Navigating the waters of new relationships when SO has limited child time

[Captains wife]

I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well

[Sugarbell]

I get all of this.

 

NG is a wonderful guy..I've never been with anyone as caring, considerate, honest, thoughtful..and the chemistry is amazing.

 

But the baggage..dear lord..crazy ex who can never be counted on to pick up daughter on the right days, hours..literally it's almost impossible to make plans. His Mother lives out on family land close to him and has never driven. He is at her beck and call literally 24/7. He can't leave the family land and will be out there forever. It's way way out. I would never live out there with kids involved in stuff..and really this sounds harsh..but until His Mom finds a new man to take care of her or she dies..we aren't going to be moving forward. I just can't do it.

 

He works like a dog on the farm and works 40 hours a week in the city. There isn't much time left for us.

 

It is what it is..I don't want anyone else...but we are plateauing for a while. Don't see our lives totally blending for many years.

 

Damn this is complicated.

[tybec]

Thanks for the validation.  I go from anger to guilt regarding NG and his kids' situation.  I have to be supportive of his goal with his children as I KNOW what it is like to have a fatherless child, al beit different reasons. 

 

I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying.

 

OMG, CW.  I did the same thing this weekend.  Skype wouldn't work, and he finally had to call his ex to get assistance.  I don't know how many events we have had, and he steps out to do this.  It is not a big deal as his dedication to his kids is admirable.  But I do wonder about this being FOREVER. 

 

SB, Oh MY!  The complexity of your situation.  I appreciate you sharing. 

 

Arneal, your past experiences are helpful to hear.  I joke I was raised by the Cleavers, as my parents married in 1950, and I was the change of life baby in their 40s.  I can't change that, but this new world to me is not new to many.  I am the anomaly.  It grounds me to hear other stories of folks.  Thanks.

[trying2breathe]

I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well

 

This would grate on me too.  NG took a call last weekend from his brother while we were out on a romantic date night.  No crisis or anything, they talked for almost 10 minutes while I sat at a candlelit dining table across from him very pissed off.  After he hung up, I called him on it and calmly said that I wouldn't stay if he did it again. I make it a habit to put my phone away and consider it common courtesy for him to do this too.  I get it when there are young ones at home or a situation that warrants keeping the phone at hand, I've done this and explain the situation on why my phone is out.  It's hard to communicate standards and establish boundaries - I'm doing this more as the relationship continues.  Part of getting to know each other I guess.

[arneal]

Oh, Sugarbell. So sorry. But good for you for setting your priorities. If he can't separate from mum, it's on him. As an adult, he has to choose and you can't do it for him. Live your life. If you choose to wait for him as your intimate partner, cool. However, don't you dare sit home! Go bowling, take yourself out to dinner, go to one of those Groupon wine and painting things, something. Perhaps he'll realize that not everyone sits and waits like he is doing and hopefully it will open his eyes.

 

You go, trying2! I don't always put my phone away when I am with NG but only take calls or texts when important, like from my house sitter. I did once take one from a friend as I thought something was wrong; she'd been having a rough time with her husband and I wanted to make sure I didn't need to round up the posse LOL. Other than that, we just use our phones to show one another stuff online or look for better directions somewhere. Every now and again he'll have to check for a work related message but even that's diminished with the new gig. He works extra hours right now with the drive to some of the locations so over the past two weekends we had one total miss (he was going to get back to me about going out on Sunday but never got back) and one hit (I messaged to ask if he wanted to go see the new Blade Runner this past weekend and he said yes; mind you, I texted on Friday evening and didn't hear back until about 8:30 pm because he was just getting in after leaving his place at about 4 am. I already had lunch plans for late afternoon on Sunday and by the time I got to him around 5 pm, he said he'd fallen asleep. But we went and had a good time, even though by the time we got back to his house he was wiped out and I just came on home). This coming Saturday, I'm going for an archery lesson. I am writing again as well.

 

Keep yourself active, friends -- while we can't help loving who we love, we must love ourselves and live as well. There's too much beauty and fun in the world!

[Sugarbell]

It's a different culture..old Appalachia culture. It's lots of family things..all of us..his sisters, Mom..extended family. I'm not stuck at home..just his Mom is around a lot. His Dad and other brother died right when he was going thru his divorce. Dad and oldest brother drove her everywhere then.

 

Now it's all on him.

 

I grew up here in rural WV..I understand the culture. But never grew up that way.

 

My family is polar opposite. Oldest son likes his family...middle kid thinks it's nuts and it's all a bunch of country folks and wants no part of it. Daughter just goes with the flow.

 

Time will tell. He's a wonderful man..but I'm slowing some of this down for a while.

[tybec]

Time will tell. He's a wonderful man..but I'm slowing some of this down for a while.

 

I am here, too, SB.  Great guy, but there is so much stuff to work out with blending.  It will be 2 years in March for us when we started dating.  But not going to rush it now knowing more.

 

  I have a friend that is divorced twice and widowed once.  Yes, strange life she has had, marrying at 16 with a baby on the way.  Then her 2nd husband died.  3rd husband cheated and she left.  She has had blended families or new stepparents to manage. She has seen the best and worst and warns me often to be cautious.  Makes me go hmmmm.......

[marriedwithkids77]

Ugh!

 

Put you and your son first!! That's pretty shitty of him (I know I know his kids).

 

Think I would focus on making a life for myself and son in New place and put a few walls up to NG. If its meant to be..he will work hard to also be there for you and your future. If not...-a move is still a good thing and make be what you need.

 

 

I agree

[tybec]

Well, after spending all last weekend together, nothing this week. We both have activities nightly almost with our own children.  And he volunteers one night a week at the VFW.  Well, I have been fine this week. I haven't worried about it and just talked briefly each day and carried on.  I am not playing games, just getting used to the reality of our lives.

 

NG has cub scout camping this weekend.  He called Friday on his way to get his kids, just to chat.  Asked me what we were doing for dinner, and I was at a drive thru.  OK, he'd talk later but thought maybe we could have met for dinner with the kids.  I text back he was welcome to come over later and let the kids play video games together. His kids are enamored with my son's knowledge of games and stuff.  Calls back and says he is on his way after they pick up something for dinner.

 

I laid low, and he sought out to see us.  I have to admit it makes me smile.  I told him I only have one more week left of my small group, and he commented I would be free that night then.  For a while I will be free.    I needed him to pursue time with us, me, not fit me in his schedule. 

 

Still, time will tell.

[arneal]

Good for you, tybec!

[tybec]

Well, strange weekend ahead.  My mother has been in hospice for several months, which I understand is common.  I was called in Wednesday to come as time was nearing.  She made it through the night, and here we are Friday morning.  It is happening, but not as quickly as the hospice nurse thought.

 

NG has his weekend without his kids, but I am dealing with a lot.  He has called and text me often to check in and then Wed. he came after his volunteer work to just sit.  My 3 brothers know, but nothing yet.  I am in a new city, so know no one well.  I could call my new church for support.  Not ready for that.  Hospice is helpful.

 

So, he is helping with what he can.  He is available.  It is sad stuff.  He has lost a grandfather, and that is his only major death/loss experience besides his divorce.  I appreciate his support. 

 

It is strange to not have my LH to help.  There was no asking, we just were a team.

 

Rambling.  I am thankful NG is supporting me.  This dating stuff is odd, and I didn't know what he might do in a long sad process like this.

[arneal]

tybec -- so sorry you having to go through this with your mum. With anyone ... Glad that LH is there but doesn't seem overbearing. I imagine he might not be sure what to do if his loss experiences are minimal but he is there. If possible, let him help more if you are up to it. Being alone through this process or trying to invite in folks you aren't sure you want to invite in, like your new church family, is hard ...

 

{{{hugs}}} and know we are here too.

[Forgottenwife]

Tybec, I'm sending love and peace to you as you say goodbye to your Mom.

[Abitlost]

Adding my support, Tybec. Hugs,

 

abl

[tybec]

Thanks, all.  It has been hard.  My mother is lingering.  The hospice nurse was not right this time, and we are headed into another week.  It is going to happen.  I am sad, but not sad like losing my mate.  My mom is shy of turning 89, so she has had a long and very good life. Her body is just worn out.  Not the same of a loss of a relatively young spouse. This just seems natural, the way it is "supposed" to be.  But waiting is tiresome.

 

NG has been supportive.  His kids were not with him, so he checked on me, went to lunch a couple times.  He offered to come sit with me.  I declined.  I need to do that part by myself mostly.

 

This situation has put it clearly that NG and I are at crazy different seasons of life.  I do wonder about meshing things together.  His kids going to the school around the corner from his house and he living in the same school district are so convenient.  We are on hold.  But I do wonder if it really will work.  He commented that my home is mine and my sons' home and we missed the mark to make it ours.  Well, that was his situation that caused that delay, not mine.  And now he talks like my son has "marked his territory" and it can't be a home to us all.  I didn't understand that at all.  I am confused about where we are and where we going.  Gosh, never expected to be in this....

[Trying]

Tybec I am so sorry about your mom, what a difficult time.  Im sure that going through a tough personal time highlights that your relationship with NG is not yet a full partnership like you want.  I'm glad to hear he is trying to be supportive but it's probably not a good time to discuss the state of your relationship or the future, focus on your mom and taking care of yourself. 

 

Hoping your mom is at peace soon and sending you hugs.

[trying2breathe]

tybec  I wish a peaceful transition for your mom.  And I hope that the relationship is sorted soon, a very emotional time for everybody.  Hugs ~

[Captains wife]

I'm so sorry about your mum - this must be a very difficult time. I'm also sorry about NG's recent comments. While he seems supportive surrounding your mum, the house comments weren't necessary. As you pointed out, the delay was his doing not yours. And certainly this isn't the time to address that given what you have going on with your own family. No, not easy what so ever. Take one day at a time....

 

 

[tybec]

Thank you for your input.  You all made good points.  I just need to breathe, handle one thing at a time as much as I can and not try to figure out things RE: NG and our relationship.

 

I am anxious, and I have lots of loose strings right now I cannot control or tie up nicely.  YA think I would get that - you can't control everything so why try?  Boy, I am thick skulled in lesson learning on that one.  Do what I can and let the other stuff play out. 

 

My mother is hanging on.  I heard of stories like this from other folks.  It is amazing that an elderly person with a damaged heart can keep going and yet, all these young folks we loved passed away despite lots of interventions in some cases. I am a Christian woman, but if one more person tells me God has a plan and it is in his timing, I think I will lose it.  I hear it, but I don't need that right now.  Oh, another thread topic, maybe.

[Bunny]

I'm so sorry about your mom, it's hell waiting for someone to die, I can't imagine what that's like with a parent.

 

As for NG talking about your son marking his territory and thus making it impossible now for it to ever be yours and NG's home...ummmm, seriously? That's just such a ridiculous thing to say. I can't decide if it comes from a place of frustration that things didn't exactly go as he planned with this move, or if it's simply a convenient excuse to not offer you a real long-term commitment. I'm glad you are choosing to live your life and not just put it on hold while 'waiting in the wings' for him, so to speak.

 

I can tell you are a woman who loathes the loose ends, so my big ol' piece of advice is to make the Serenity Prayer your new mantra . Repeat as necessary- the longer version as well as the better known short one.

 

Peace.

[arneal]

Right with you, tybec -- sometimes it is those who talk from their place of belief that cause more pain or anguish than so-called non-believers. Sigh.

[tybec]

 

 

Bunny, Thank you for the serenity prayer reminder.  I know it, but don't KNOW it.  I will try to use it.  I NEED it.

 

My mother rallied. There is no explanation.  This waiting is hard.  Strange.  The hospice nurse related death to like birth. We don't know how it is is going to happen.  We don't have  control.  We may come in and go kicking and screaming or with ease.  No one knows until it happens. I liked this analogy.  Patience with life coming and going.  My one brother went home.  I am back to just waiting, trying to make plans with always knowing it could change suddenly.

 

NG and I are just strange.  I am trying to lay low and not make any major decisions.  He is stressed about things and goes to court this month for contempt when he kept his kids overnight instead of returning them from his 2 hour visit when mother did not arrive and sent her parents.  He is countering her with contempt as she has no flexibility and is showing no form of coparenting.  I know it is weighing on him.

 

He was so supportive last week.  Not so much now.  I invited him to a Halloween gathering with parents of my son's new friends.  Happened to be in his neighborhood.  He went but then seemed to have an attitude about it later.  I didn't understand it. 

 

I am sick, catching an eye infection from my mother.  I feel annoyed with it.

 

He has not been to my home for almost 2 weeks.  Boy, I just didn't envision this.

 

We have plans to go to Thanksgiving where both our families reside. We are flying, different days, and I am staying with my family, and he with his mother and his boys. Our families live within 30 minute of each other in TX.  Crazy.    So, we have integrated holiday plans.

 

Patience,  patience, patience.  Just breathe......

[Forgottenwife]

My mother rallied. There is no explanation.  This waiting is hard.  Strange.  The hospice nurse related death to like birth. We don't know how it is is going to happen.  We don't have  control.  We may come in and go kicking and screaming or with ease.  No one knows until it happens.

 

My stepfather (just like a dad to me, he was wonderful) did just this a few times. Once the hospice nurse told us to call whoever wanted to come and this was the time. My stepfather was completely non-responsive for a day, he looked like he was simply sleeping. In the wee hours of the morning, around 3:30, he opened his eyes and asked me what I was doing in his room! He then demanded to be dressed and to have breakfast. Dad lasted 30 months in hospice care, with a few of these episodes.

 

We just don't know. I hope your mom is comfortable and well taken care of. Sending you some peace today, its hard.

[arneal]

So sorry, tybec. As Forgotten said, there is no way of telling how these things will go. While you are there, talk to your mum. If she is considered non-responsive, she can still hear you. My Mom-mom (my mom's mother) was like that. I took an emergency flight home when my mom called to tell me the time was near and that the nurses had said if anyone wanted to see her they needed to come right away. We got to her room at about 11 pm and I held her hand, talked to her, and prayed. I was so worried I was hurting her because they said her skin was sensitive; she moaned a lot, even though I was trying to be careful, I wanted her to feel that I was there as well. I reminded her that all her children and grandchildren were grown up and doing okay. That we loved her. We left there and she died at about 2 in the morning. It's never easy.

 

The first husband was a jerk through tough family times. It had nothing to do with ex's or custody, just his abusive nature. It's hard, trying to balance family life and be compassionate about what your NG is feeling as well. For the holidays, make it great for your kids. If he gets himself together, good. If he ends up distant and only with his family, that's his issue.

 

{{{hugs}}} know that we are here. Sending positive thoughts all round!

[tybec]

Well, my son is away this weekend.  First time in my new home/new town to be alone.  I made plans with a best friend to come for the weekend.  Her husband became ill on Monday, and then she fell with it Thursday, so no girls weekend.  NG had his kids, but I wanted to be independent.  I contacted a school classmate that moved to this city in Nov.  (no kidding!).  She had made plans with a new friend.  I contacted a new acquaintance as her son was on the retreat with my son.  She had made plans already, too.  So, took the time to regroup, spend time with mother, a bit of retail therapy, too.

 

NG invited me over to watch a movie with him and his sons.  I left my pride at the door and did so.  I felt I need to be independent but not to the point of being alone on purpose when I can make a connection with him and his boys.  It was okay.

 

Trying to take good care of me and mine and still date NG.  Always interesting.