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Advice needed!!!!


Sugarbell
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In a relationship with a wonderful man for over a year. He’s kind, good to my kids, my parents like him..yes he’s the one with a psycho ex..but his no contact has paid off and she’s still a problem but minimal.

 

His elderly (76) yet very healthy (doctor told NG she’s healthier than him) Mother is extremely needy. He lives next to her..his Dad and brother died right when he got divorced..he took on all her needs. She doesn’t drive..he drives her everyday..they go out to eat at least 3 days a week after his work..he takes her grocery shopping it seems like daily. He basically dates her more than me. We can’t ever make overnight plans unless he jumps through hoops to have one of his sisters pick her out etc.

 

She recently willed the 100 acre farm over to him..to lock him in..he will never move. He knows as long as my kids are in school I will never move out there. (Middle of nowhere 30 miles from the schools)

 

He took his mom to doctor (uses up hisvacation days for Moms stuff) she thought she had heart problems. Nope..but the doctor put him on high blood reassure drugs and order an echo and stress test next week because he’s the one dealing with her. The doctor even said “Your mom is going to put love you if you don’t take some time off.

 

He loves me..he’s a man of great character and feels obiligated to wait on her, chauffeur her around cause he’s the only man now left. I have never dated a man whose mom didn’t drive and was this co dependent on her adult child.

 

I need to find her a man...she will live to be a 100 cause she has no stress (and is narcissistic/self centered) NG knows and gets frustrated with the situation...but he’s a pleaser. He’s just so kind. He won’t ever set boundaries.

 

Is this doomed?? Should I just take it for what it is..date..but know I can’t ever be out there as a wife. (She would love for us to marry..as long as I lived out there beside her and took care of her)

 

Shit...and I’m in love..but can’t sacrifice that he has. My parents and Mom are the polar opposite. Super independent. You guys are wise and honest on here. What should I do?

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Honest Sugarbell, I don't see an easy solution to this dilemma.

 

But I can tell you with confidence that Mom will never change. Everyone involved in this will have to compromise to some degree if you want to continue the relationship to it's logical endpoint - marriage.

 

If that is what you ultimately want, this may not be the right guy - nice as he is. :(

 

I am sorry. Good luck, Mike

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This is really such a hard situation to be in. He sounds like a wonderful man and the relationship seems to be overall a very positive one.  The qualities that make him such a good partner are the same qualities that have him devoting himself to his mother (and at one time to his crazy ex wife).

 

If you are comfortable living apart until your children are out of school then it might be worth it to hang on.  By that time who knows what his mother's situation will be.  If you are looking for a bigger commitment sooner than you will need to have some serious talks with him about what you each want and are willing to compromise. 

 

In the mean time maybe you can suggest looking into a companion to take her grocery shopping and to appointments when he is busy or getting her to participate in senior center exercise or hobby groups so she can have some time with her peers.  Frame it as healthy for her to have things to do with people her own age and to broaden her support system.  Being widowed, losing a son, not being able to drive and living somewhat isolated can definitely make someone needy.

 

I hope you are able to work together to make compromises you can both live with.  These relationships later in life seem to require so many more compromises than when we were in our 20's!

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Wow that's a tough one. My jealousy would have probably ruined the relationship a long time ago. I wouldn't be able to handle him giving more time to his mom than me.

 

My NG's mom is 89 and still lives alone in their family home, she also still drives (which makes me nervous). NG's sisters do most of the caring for and checking in on her (almost daily), although he is responsible for most of the house upkeep and mowing the lawn in the summer. This works out to be him needing to go there maybe once a week, less in the winter. I usually go along and visit with her while he does the chores.

 

76 is not that old nowadays, and she could potentially live for 25 more years!  I guess if you are okay with how things are now and if they continue that way indefinitely you might be okay? I'm sorry you are in such a hard situation!

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Have you spoken with him about your feelings?  I mean, obviously not the full extent of your feelings, but about the strain on him and his unavailability to you?  Are they ok financially?  Could he hire someone to drive her to the grocery store some days?  Not to outsource his duty or relationship, but just to ease bits of the pressure?  I see an easy way to bring it up seeing as the doctor addressed his health - you legitimately want him to be healthy and balanced.  I think maybe you were joking, but: find her a man/boyfriend/husband!

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Hey Sugar ... I can't imagine as I have not been in that situation. I am an only child; my dad died nearly 24 years ago and while somewhat helpless when it comes to taking care of a house at the time, my mom has always been very independent. First husband's mom had died tragically before we met. He had no contact with his dad, who came to his funeral; my first time and last time meeting him. Didn't even get to greet him in the midst of all the weirdness. LH's mom had died before we met. He took in his dad and I and my son moved into the house he'd rented. We all lived together until his dad died and it was a really good thing. His dad was a great guy; mild mannered, taught me how to be a good caregiver. Which I needed when LH got sick.

 

BF's parents are both gone. My mom is still doing, but she does have a boyfriend. I think it's a great idea for your BFs mom ;)

 

{{{hugs}}}

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Hi SB,

 

I am not in a position to tell you what to do, but I will share with you my own similar experience. My Ex-BF had a co-dependent relationship with his mother, who moved in with him for what was supposed to be a few weeks but that turned into over four years when I departed. I found their relationship creepy, and distanced myself from it as much as I could. However, it wasn't just his mother he had a co-dependent relationship with; he also shared a co-dependent relationship with his ex-wife and with his kids. I came to realize it wasn't his circumstances, but rather him. (I am so happy I'm out of that one!)

 

I'm not saying your NG mirrors this situation, but your line "He won’t ever set boundaries." gives me pause.

 

abl

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Hey Sugarbell. I can speak from the perspective of a daughter to a mom like this. Along with my siblings, we do her grocery shopping, taxes, home maintenance, bill paying and some errands when we can. The only thing that works is when I personally say no. Not my fiance, not my friends or my boss or anyone else. It is difficult because I get resistance and some guilt, but I just say how much I can do, what days/hours and that's it. My mom would prefer that we sleep over multiple times a week and take time off work each week for her personal appointments. I can't, I have to go to work. She just feels that we are obligated to do for her and we have to regularly tell her no, its a drag. Your boyfriend has to choose. If that is what he wants for his life, I don't think you can change it.

 

I'll agree with others that his willingness to love and care for his mom is attractive, he sounds very caring and loyal. As a mom, I wouldn't want my kids to give that much of themselves, especially if I knew they were giving up their own dreams and possible relationships. But some families may think the amount your boyfriend does is normal and acceptable. 

 

One other thing that did strike me in your post, you said 'to lock him in... he will never move.' That is his choice. He's a grown man, he can move wherever he chooses to. I moved across the city from my mom and siblings. They were upset, they protested, they tried to get me to change my mind. I moved anyway.

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Thank you!!! All of you!! I appreciate your honesty and perspective.

 

We live in the same county but different worlds. His true Appalachia upbringing..well that’s what they do. I have mentioned to him maybe delegating some responsibilities to his sisters (she has adult grandkids, -tons of family ) to step up some. The more he does..the more it’s expected. The recent will (which she told the siblings it was all going to him) made it worse..they do even less and he feels more pressure. He says “it’s m obligation and responsibility” but does at times resent it. I tread carefully..if he’s gone away for a weekend with me..Momma gets bitchey and cranky..then piles it on come Monday.

 

My Mom tells me he can’t change..and anything I would ever say would make me the bad guy (she’s right)

 

We did have a talk a few months ago and I flat out said “I can’t live out there with my kids so involved in school stuff”.. He knows this..I told him I’m fine being exclusive and living separately until my kids are out of school (and really I am).. But the hand writing on the wall..momma is going to be part of this relationship and she will have to come first.

 

I’m waiting it out..yet find myself starting to slowly detach to protect myself. He on the other hand..and become more attached because he knows it’s less and less time together and I don’t nag-just make my own plans and go about my way.

 

My son was in a home baseball tournament this weekend. His daughter didn’t want to go because the baseball groupies and players are too “snotty” (they aren’t they are just good smart kids. I sat through 4 games with my family and friends.

 

He took his daughter shopping with his Mother then they all went to dinner and a movie. She went on and on about how fun it was and she wants her son to take her to movies more. —He’s her entertainment too. They live too far out for Senior bus to pick her up..she won’t move into town..to get paid help out there (which she doesn’t need she’s very healthy she needs driven around and entertained) would cost a fortune because it’s so far out.

 

And his health is starting to go downhill..blood pressure, chest pain, migraines..so I’m very accommodating because I know the pressure he’s under (full time job, needy mom, farm crazy ex..daughter, druggie adult son)

 

No solution. Just going to ride it out for a while and hope she can find some old farmer to take care and marrry her.

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In my experience the comfort and security from being with a pleaser and a man with no boundaries are tempting. If you don't have a pressing need to "come first" but instead can admire his willingness to help, you'll be okay. If you are frustrated by what might seem like an immature need to please his mother, you might not be so okay. It really is up to you. My guess is that there are other behaviors that also indicate his need to be liked and some of them are advantageous. Some of them are not.

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Literally just came across this answer in Dear Annie from another woman with a very similar problem:

 

Dear Mommy's Third Wheel: After printing a similar letter in the past, I heard from many readers who have dated men with controlling mothers. Their consensus: Until the man cuts the cord from Mom, any romantic relationship he has will be severely constricted. Some have even told me that this issue ended a marriage. I share all this not to scare you but to reassure you that yes, this is a big deal. And yes, you do have to talk to him about it. You're not making him choose between the two of you. If she decides to frame it that way, that's her issue. You're simply asking him to set better boundaries. If he's not sure where to begin, a book on this subject, such as "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," might offer some guidance. If he's truly a match, he won't let his mom's unhealthy attachment destroy the connection you have.

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As a caregiver to children, you know that they take your time and although you can schedule things around their activities and arrange for alternate care, their needs can sometimes usurp yours.

 

It sounds like your BF's mother has him in a very similar situation. The difference is you are in charge of your children's schedule and therefor your schedule. Obviously you take into consideration your childrens needs when making plans, but you are in charge.

 

I'm thinking it would be best if your BF could approach his mother in a way that says yes he is willing to do the things he's been doing but he needs more control on the when. Having a set schedule would be so helpful and probably lower the stress.

 

Goodluck.

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His true Appalachia upbringing..well that’s what they do.

 

The more he does..the more it’s expected.

 

He says “it’s m obligation and responsibility” but does at times resent it. I tread carefully..if he’s gone away for a weekend with me..Momma gets bitchey and cranky..then piles it on come Monday.

 

Oh yes, this is my family. It is expected that all family members live right next to each other, see each other multiple times a week, and women and the elderly are catered to. Wherever and whenever they want to go and whatever they need, we should do it. Yes, when I travel anywhere with anyone or even have nights out with friends I do hear 'wow... you never take me anywhere...'. It sucks. And no matter how much we do, its just never enough.

 

No solution. Just going to ride it out for a while and hope she can find some old farmer to take care and marrry her.

 

Please send one our way too, it would make us so happy to have a companion that can do all this stuff with Mom!

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Gotta laugh about finding an old farmer!  ;D  An alternative - although not a romantic relationship - is to have a female companion/friend to hang out with.  My grandmother and great aunt were together many years, didn't live together but had dinner every night, ran errands together, went together to doctor visits.  They were great companions where family otherwise would have had to step in and help out.

 

Great advice here, good luck sugarbell!

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Everyday he picks her up after work..they go out to eat (so far it’s Ponderosa, DQ and Bob Evans. Then he runs her to several different stores..I know I sound jealous..but he dates her more than me. I feel like they are the married couple and I’m the “adulteress” whom he sees after everyone else is taken care of.

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Everyday he picks her up after work..they go out to eat (so far it’s Ponderosa, DQ and Bob Evans. Then he runs her to several different stores..I know I sound jealous..but he dates her more than me. I feel like they are the married couple and I’m the “adulteress” whom he sees after everyone else is taken care of.

Does he invite you along?

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Oh, DEAR, SB!

 

Unless your NG has a strong backbone to set appropriate boundaries with his mother, or the mother steps up and recognizes that her adult child would benefit from having a mate into his golden years, hopefully living way past her demise, it is not a great looking situation.  At this point, any time taken from her is going to put you into a "taker" from her, not an addition to the family that would be highly beneficial to her son. 

 

My MIL was moving in like this. She moved to our town when her mate of 7 yrs. passed. My late husband was her only son, and she definitely felt his role was to take care of her. My LH set boundaries with her, did what he needed, but on his time as he had a wife and young child to care for. After his death, she started saying things to our son to set him up as her care taker as he got old enough.  I cut that apron string.

 

My parents were the opposite. Get training, education, and go and do.  I did take care of my mother for years,  as she moved to ME but she was independent and we used hired staff and then a facility for her needs.  She had taken care of my father with alzheimers for years until she could not. She did not wish that for us, and especially, her young widowed daughter and grandson.  I am thankful for all she did and allowed.  It could have been very different.

 

 

My bestie talked to me yesterday. Her mother became ill, hospitalized in Jan. She lives 2 hours away and in a home that is not appropriate for her safety.  And my best friend and her brother are carrying the load since JAN!  Her mother refuses to move, and her brother flies in every other weekend because he can.  It is crazy.  My selfless friend is stressed, working, taking family leave, and her marriage and family life is now suffering.  She is happy to care for her lovely mother, but her life is in a disarray as her mother won't budge.  I feel for her but when it is okay for elderly parents to dictate what they want and have everyone else cater, set up for losing jobs, relationships because of their needs/wants?

 

I may get some negative feedback from this, but I have been there, done that and am thankful for my parents' willingness to not ask their adult children to sacrifice everything.  I took good care of my mother up until the end, and her needs and mine were met albeit with help from others.

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I agree Tybec!

 

We had a good weekend..2 days/nights away from his Mom (just my kids).. We were out of town for a ball tournament. But today he’s back to the grind.

 

I’m compartmentalizing my feelings now..when we are together I’ll enjoy it, have fun. But it is what it is.

He wants no one else..nor do I (at this moment).. But I’m not going to completely look at the 2 of us as in “ the long haul”.  I’m in a tiny town in WV..pickings are very small here..and my focus is my kids for the next few years. But I’m back to “thinking like a jerky dude”. (I really hate being that way...but it’s either that or end it..and I don’t want to end it at the moment.

 

Maybe she will run off with a farmer. I doubt it..but anything can happen I suppose. I do know I will never live out there nor take care of her. So we are what we are..

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