Attraction

[Mizpah]

We are creatures.  It's natural.  But I think it's good that you're struggling with it.  People can't help how they look for the most part.  Struggling with it means you're not a shallow @$$hole maybe, hahahaha.  I think where we go wrong is forgetting that attraction and beautiful are subjective, instinctive, based on individual taste.  We've been socially programmed to find certain things attractive.  Some of that programming piggybacks on natural, near-universal biological or anthropological factors, but some of it is culture.  End of my rambling thoughts.

[lcoxwell]

This is a great thread, with many really good responses. To me, physical attraction is only one aspect of a multifaceted relationship. Like many others have already said, I can look at another person and appreciate his good looks, without really being attracted to him. Conversely, I have been involved with several men in my life, that others would not have found the least bit attractive. Mostly, my tastes seem to run somewhere in between conventional good looks and what would be considered mildly unattractive, to most. There has to be something attractive about the man, be it a smile, his eyes, broad shoulders, or muscular legs; but I also like for there to be a little imperfection, too. I find that it is the little imperfections in a person that truly makes him "real" and interesting, at least to me.

 

Personality is far more important to me, than physical attraction, though I don't have one personality type that I am attracted to, over others, necessarily. I just like for a man to be real and honest, intelligent and funny, someone who challenges me to be more than who I would be alone, and someone who enriches my life.

 

My Kenneth and my new guy could not be more polar opposites, yet I love both completely. On the surface, Kenneth would be the last person anyone would expect me to end up with, but there was just something irresistible about that man. He was highly intelligent, wickedly funny, completely irreverent, and cursed more than just about any man I have ever known. He exuded a certain sex appeal, and everything about him screamed manliness and testosterone. He was stubborn, obstinate, and crude; but he was also brought to tears when speaking of his late grandmother and his "pop", he was deeply touched by babies and young children, he loved his dog more than most people love their own children, and he loved me and my children more than I can even begin to describe. He also had more charm and personality in his little finger, than most people have in their whole lives.

 

On the other hand, New Guy is a strong, Christian man, with deep convictions, just the type of man most people, who know me, would expect me to end up with. He prays regularly, and reads the Bible often. He is an honorable man, with impeccable manners, who treats others with great respect. New guy is a steady rock, calm and reassuring, thoughtful and considerate, intelligent and funny; and in his presence, there is always a sense of peace and belonging, that I haven't found anywhere, with anyone else, in my entire life. He is a hard worker, and not one to sit around without doing something, whether it be to go on a walk, to take a hike, to go bike riding along the beach, or to head to the gym. He is highly responsible with his finances and with following through with his commitments. Best of all, the man knows something about creating romance in a relationship and can plan some incredible dates and weekend getaways, just to keep things interesting and to make me feel special.

 

While the two are polar opposites, there are a few personality traits that they share. Kenneth was/New Guy is completely comfortable with who he is as a person and made/makes no apologies for being the man that he turned out to be. Both have lived their lives according to their own rules and not according to other people's standards. Both have a healthy level of self-confidence, without being overly confident or obnoxious about it. Both had very close relationships with their grandmothers and felt a certain responsibility to take care of their mothers, after the deaths of their fathers. When speaking of attraction, there is something completely irresistible about a self-confident man, who takes care of his mother, without being a forty or fifty year old "mama's boy".

 

Sorry this is so long. I didn't mean to write so much.

 

[Guest Kamcho]

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[widowat33]

Personally I think attraction can develop once you get to know someone.

The most attractive guy at first sight would not hold my attention if he didn't possess certain qualities, whereas an average looking guy with those qualities would.

But I'm not into pretty guys... Give me a man with rough hands, strong arms, and a kind heart and who would love my sons as much as he loves me. That's what I would be attracted to. And he has to make me laugh.

[OSAAT]

I know for myself that i have to be physically attracted. That does not mean someone else finds them attractive, necessarily. My first and only relationship after J was with a man whom I was not physically attracted to. His personality was great (mostly), he understood my sense of humor, etc. but in the end nothing grew on my end. Attraction IS important for me. It just is what it is. I don't think it makes me (or anyone) shallow for needing that. As long as i am attracted, they are attracted, and chemistry is there, then yay.

[Guest look2thesky]

 

I would say of course attraction has to be visual.

Would many want to be with someone full time who you were not..

attracted to ?

[Lisa]

I wasnt the least bit physically attracted to my husband when we met. He had a chance usually 5 days a week for me to get to know what a great guy he was. We had a friendly rapport. He was funny, reliable and very kind. He treated me like royalty. He very obviously had feelings for me, I had none other than platonic. Then after almost 6 months, I caught up. I fell madly in love. We had a wonderful marriage.

it isnt likely to happen this way again for me. We are an instant gratification society right now. I no longer work or have a regular schedule where sonething similar develops. Online dating there are just too many options. Even if a date is great and there is chemistry, there's a line up of more dates waiting in the computer. Also the lack of honesty and plain old fashioned caring and kindness I just don't  find out there. Mike had a chance to build trust. Trust is more important to me than physical attraction. The attraction followed when I fell for him. For me, attraction might be good for  dating but not a life long relationship. Ill take the ugly guy that I can count on when Im sick and bitchy or in crisis. The one who adores  me when i roll out of bed with a rats nest of hair  and mismatched pjs. His looks dont matter by then.

[Mancino]

This thread is reminding me of that old song, "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife..."  :

[Guest look2thesky]

I found little trust from people on dating sites.

You are spot on with that.

[mmg19]

Loved LisaPop's response.  Hit the nail on the head for me.  Trust and integrity are what attracts me and this doesn't happen immediately.  Being physically attractive is nice but it won't make a relationship.  Trust and integrity aren't visual and it takes months to actually feel the attraction.  If it is a date you are interested in and nothing more, then being easy on the eyes may be an asset.  All I have to go on is what worked with DH and I.  We were friends and kept it platonic for months.  There was an attraction and chemistry but the more we knew about each other, the more I became aware that his words matched his behavior and he was so much more than a passionate attraction that could be fleeting. 

 

My view of relationships as a widow, mother, and in my 40's is very different from my college days and 20's.  Not saying I won't go on a date based mostly on attraction but at this point in my life I'd like to think I am wiser and can't chalk up mistakes to experience.

 

Bottom life for me is going to be trust, respect, and integrity and that will take a lot more than physical attributes. 

[anniegirl]

Attraction is such an intangible and it changes with age, experience and circumstances.

 

My LH grew on me.

 

I fell in love with my second husband via email. I didn't have any idea what he looked like or sounded like. Or he me.

 

We exchanged photos when we decided to "date" and when we first met, I think we were still a bit surprised by each other, but we were in love and beyond the "looks" thing by then.

 

But, I don't have a "type". Never have. Perhaps that helps?

 

Attraction happens. It's probably good to have an idea when you are venturing back in via online dating - to help narrow the field - but you can't know until you know. And once you know, it's often very definite.

[lcoxwell]

There is research out there, that supports the idea of attraction changing, over time. One study (and I apologize for not remembering where I read this, or I would have included the link), had a group of college students rate how attractive classmates were at the beginning of a semester, then went back months later, at the end of the semester, and had students rank classmates again. Many of the students, who were considered less attractive in the beginning, were ranked much higher, after their classmates had gotten to know them, and vice versa.

 

I think this supports what many have said here. While physical attributes can initially peek your intest, if there is no "personality" (regardless of which personality traits you are looking for), then the attraction wanes, over time. A person has to have more going for him/her than just good looks, in order to continue being attractive in the long run.

[Guest look2thesky]

Of course. We all grow old(er). And hopefully wiser.

[Guest IronBear]

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