Attraction

[serpico]

What is it about looks that is so important to us...well, to me, anyway? I'm no Greek god, but as of now (19 months since my wife was killed) I have zero interest in going out with a woman unless there is a physical attraction. And it's not like I only want model-types...my one extended relationship was with a woman who wasn't a stunner, but she was, I don't know, 'cute' is maybe the best word.

 

I've been thinking about this for awhile now, but I'm watching Shopgirl right now, and Claire Danes is just beautiful to me.  Many of my male friends wouldn't think she is attractive, but I sure do.  I can't explain what it is, either. She doesn't possess the curviness that many associate with hotness, and she's basically pretty plain-looking in this flick.

 

I've thought about this a great deal, and part of me wants to feel like I'm hollow, but I can't change this about myself. My wife was conventionally beautiful, I guess you could say, so maybe that's part of it, I just don't know. But I'm also not fixated on beauty, because a vacuous hottie wouldn't hold any allure for me, either.

 

I dunno, I'm just thinking out loud here and would like to get some input from others. What is it about physical attraction that is so important?

[fairlanegirl]

What is so important about physical attraction? Well, isn't it simply that without it one doesn't desire the other person, which is surely a pretty major aspect of a non-platonic relationship? Do you mean, should you go out with someone a few times and see if it grows? I've not had that experience, many others have. You probably know yourself well enough by now not to waste women's time if you are not attracted to them, unless you are the type which likes to 'keep one on the back burner', which is rather nasty, and doesn't sound like you from what you've written.

 

Also there is physical attraction, and conventional 'physical attractiveness' which are not necessarily the same. It's cliched but I suspect to some extent true that men are more fixated on looks. For me, a nice bod is a bonus, but attractiveness is more in the eyes and smile, and the way a man touches you. Actually, knowing your bloke finds you attractive is probably the most attractive and sexiest thing for me, and a lot of women.

[Trying]

Physical attraction is an important thing for an intimate relationship.  Personally, for me, it can't be gauged by a picture.  Yes I can look at a picture of an attractive man with a great body and appreciate it but I need to be in person, talking, seeing facial expressions, making eye contact.  Lucky for me, new guy feels the same, I never take a decent picture and I am not what you would call a stunner, but ever since we met he has told me I am beautiful and I know he really feels that way.  And I feel,the same way about him.  I also know some very handsome men who I have zero physical attraction to.

[Sugarbell]

The older I get the less I have a "type"

 

It's more the energy I get from them...intelligence, hobbies, interests, stability.

 

I can find a 55 year old clean cut business type of man just as attractive as a 35 year old outdoor mountain biker/fun hog.

 

Granted...ideally I would like them to have all those things wrapped into one person. DH had that (corporate look during the week/fun hog on weekends)...But I seriously doubt another 6'5 dark haired brilliant thrill seeker is going to cross my path.

 

New guy...physically he's not my normal type...only an inch taller, body builder...age 52. But I love his energy. Time will tell.

 

It's rough to navigate the dating/relationship world...but taking it as it comes.

[robunknown]

Serpico,

I've never felt more complicated in my life. My emotions don't want anyone to even touch me. But my libido is on overdrive, I feel a lion scoping out gazelles on the plain. I have no clue what I would actually do if anyone showed interest in me, take the oppurtunity or run for the hills. I really have no idea and it is kinda humorious at times.

[Guest look2thesky]

Because to me the persons visual features is what everyone initially sees. A matter of taste.

Subconsciously life seems visual. If one is not attracted can you make up by saying well this is a nice person ?

I think yes but if someone has a "type" they will usually seek someone else who fits in those standards. Maybe I'm no doctor but I know what I seek in a partner or potential person. And I think we have little control on this.

[momtokam]

Attraction is one part of a bigger package for me.

It also does not necessarily mean model looks. It's that something that clicks when you meet someone. It's the initial reason you want to get to know someone more. It may not only be looks, but a smile,  or their eyes, or the way they speak or look at you. It may not always be right away either, and it can grow.

 

I think it's important because physical attraction makes us desire someone initially. But I also think that it is different for everyone and someone I find an attraction to, others may not. I think it goes beyond the surface to something more.

 

Without that attraction, whatever it might be, I would not continue with someone.

 

 

[Captains wife]

Ahhh - we are human. Physical attraction is important to us and its part of the way we are made up. You are not shallow. I will say, though, that physical attraction is different for everyone (i.e. not everyone finds to same characteristics, attributes attractive) and I think certain personality qualities can make a person more or less attractive. When I started dating (14 months after widow), I tried a mini experiment. I started dating men that weren't necessarily who I found attractive (or weren't my "type") but had a million other great qualities. And you know what I figured out quickly ? That I couldn't get past dating someone I didn't find physically attractive. Im no model and do not date male models but I do find certain types of men attractive and I couldn't ignore that. I wish I could but I cant - physical attraction is important to me too.

[Wheelerswife]

Attraction - an interesting topic.  I was married to two men who would not necessarily be considered attractive by society's/Hollywood's standards.  My first husband was a 75 pound little guy who never walked a day in his life.  (I fattened him up to 90 pounds, though.)  But he had the most expressive eyes and he was easy to talk to and as non-judgmental as anyone I'd ever met.  I fell for him rather quickly, even though my head was trying to convince me NOT to get myself involved.

 

My second husband was a big guy, 6'4", 270 pounds...3 times the size of my first husband.  He was a non-conformist, thin silver hair pulled back in a ponytail, not one to be terribly comfortable when dressed up. But...he respected people, their positions and more formal events enough to put his own comfort aside and dress accordingly, clearly out of that respect.  He had depth that people almost instantly recognized, but he shared it cautiously.  He was brilliant, he cared for all of humanity and he was quite humble.  We had an incredible connection.

 

I guess I've never had an initial attractiveness toward physical attributes as much as the person inside.  But once I'd found myself in the grasp of these two men, I could not help but find them attractive physically.

 

Maureen

[Baylee627]

Attraction is a component of a healthy relationship. It's gotta be there, and be reciprocal. I don't think this is shallow. Shallow would be if you were to assert: I only date models with pneumatic hooters! Eye roll!

 

Attraction is also a curious thing. I don't play to type, and none of the guys I dated and fell for  "back in the day" shared any physical attributes. But there was a certain something about each one of them that held me transfixed, even though my friends would be puzzled why I even dated some of these guys.

 

Whateva, hooches!

 

It was that way with DH, also. He had beautiful coloring, but his personality is what brought his features out. I'm not sure I was his type, either, judging by some of the trollops--whoops!--I meant, "ladies", he dated before I came along.

 

I think attraction is imperative because it's part of what holds each partner's interest for the short- and long-term.

 

Baylee

 

 

[RobFTC]

Many of your friends would think Claire Danes wasn't attractive?  I hae me doots, laddie :-)

 

Attraction is highly idiosyncratic, a little fluid, and usually amusing.  I do need that spark, but I am anything but vanilla in what traits and features bring that to me in a woman.  A few particular things (ahem!) are pretty much always interesting, but other than that, I think I only know when I meet someone in person and get a feel for them as a whole.  That's one of the reasons I don't like texting, aside from my death-by-text experience last fall.  I do kind of have a closely-guarded mental list of the things I like best, which is amusingly self-contradictory.

 

I do think that people can become more beautiful as you get to know and like them, but that usually happens when I get to know someone as a friend first.  I also remember how for some time after I split with my serious first girlfriend that others with her body shape got my attention as they had not before.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Melbar]

One of the reasons I had a really hard time kick-starting the dating was a lack of attraction to anyone - even men who were quite attractive.

 

My BF and I met in person, through our kids' sports.  I couldn't tell you our first conversation or the moment we met because nothing jumped out at me other than he seemed like a nice guy.  We talked at almost every game, but I wasn't thinking, "Oooh, I'd like to date this guy!" 

 

Then after the season ended, he emailed me, and I learned through email that he was totally brilliant and funny and charming in a way I'd somehow missed in person - probably because like me, he's a bit of an introvert.  Then we went on our first date and yowza -- suddenly I was completely physically attracted to him as well.  So, from barely noticing to can't stop thinking about -- an enigma, attraction is. 

[Virgo]

I'm more about inner beauty for me. I could find a man attractive, but be completely turned off once I start having a conversation with him. It's the 'whole package' as my late husband would say.

[klim]

Physical attraction counts for me. I'm no model and I don't need to be with a model., but I do need certain things.

For me,it showed up when I tried dating a very pleasant fellow for about a month...we had a lot in common, talked easily but I felt it wasn't going to work. He on the other hand was taken by me . My feeling was I was uncomfortable because he was an inch shorter than me.... I told myself this is really shallow....get over it.... he begged me to try, said  that he didn't care. I tried, but guess what it mattered and I couldn't adjust my thinking. I felt bad but I couldn't get over feeling uncomfortable.

So pretty sure I need to date guys taller than me....it's just me....but that's the way it is.

[Guest littlebirdie]

It's more the energy I get from them...intelligence, hobbies, interests, stability.

 

I agree that energy is important. There has to be something a little bit electric there, but nothing is more attractive than someone who is smart as a whip and has a wicked sense of humor.

 

We are visual animals and are initially grabbed by whatever traits we find physically attractive. For me that is height and hands. I have a thing for men with strong hands. Nice hands make me all melty. If you're also tall and funny, I'm yours.  ;D

[Baylee627]

There has to be something a little bit electric there, but nothing is more attractive than someone who is smart as a whip and has a wicked sense of humor.

 

This!!!! Yes, ma'am. Professorial and witty?? Fuhgettaboudit!

 

Baylee

[Vettie]

Everyone likes a different type.  If everyone liked the same type only two of us would be together, lol.  I cannot resist looking at a man with a goatee, bald head, big arms and shoulders...is it because that was my husband?  I don't know. If I was not initially attracted to them but they had a great personality and were very loving and considerate they might grow on me, lol.

[Guest TooSoon]

This!!!! Yes, ma'am. Professorial and witty?? Fuhgettaboudit!

 

Indeed, professorial and witty was my undoing......

[Guest littlebirdie]

There has to be something a little bit electric there, but nothing is more attractive than someone who is smart as a whip and has a wicked sense of humor.

 

This!!!! Yes, ma'am. Professorial and witty?? Fuhgettaboudit!

 

Baylee

 

[Sugarbell]

Oh yeah...wicked sense of humor and sarcasm (like that some people would find offensive) I love!!

 

And it's attractive....someone who can keep up with me and sarcastically put me in my place. (And me put them in place) I adore! I don't want a "Yes" guy....but a man who challenges me and vice versa.

 

And new guy is the shortest (5'11) man I have ever had a relationship with. And I am not into cut up muscle type (in shape but not muscles) but his mind, drive, wit...sex appeal...over shadows it.

 

It's chemistry basically....it comes it all different packages. But past the initial chemistry comes the depth...that's what reels me in.

 

 

[serpico]

Yes to chemistry and different packages.  But the attraction is like the gatekeeper for me, at least right now.  Just because someone gets in the gate, though, doesn't mean they stay there if they don't have the real important stuff, e.g. humor, kindness, worldliness, etc.

[fctyler]

I think it is more than physical attraction that attracts one person to another.  We've all been "taught" what beauty looks like.    I can look at a man and see his physical traits and identify him as handsome and not feel a thing for him.  I know his physical features are handsome in human standards, but I don't feel happy, content and safe with him.  It's strange that I think I can know all that in the first meeting, but most people can within a few minutes of meeting someone.  Conversely, I can meet someone who isn't pleasing to the eye in a typical sense, yet feel a sense of warmth and comfort.  They just emanate positive vibes.

 

My first husband was handsome to me because the first time I met him, when he smiled at me, he made me feel so happy.  It was like when his mouth turned into a grin, my heart did a flip.  It wasn't his actual smile as a feature of his face; it was the feeling I got when I saw the smile.  Like all was right in the world.  Like I could spend time with this man and feel better for having done so. 

 

When I first met my now fiance, I was dragging my feet because I had not enjoyed my online encounters up until that point.  I decided to meet with him when I did because I was heading out of town the next day so I had an excuse to meet him quickly and get out of there.  When I came around the corner and saw him, it was more his look of vulnerability, kindness, and honesty all wrapped up in one that I saw in his face.  I saw his features, but I saw more of his personality through his features.  I felt relaxed, warm and like I was "coming home" when we first met.

 

So to me it is not the physical beauty that I require, it's the feeling I get from the person when I first lay eyes on them that is far more important.  I don't feel that is being shallow; I think it is just an internal regulator that is telling me if a particular person I am meeting is worth  investing time and energy into.

 

 

[Gabzmom]

Ah, attraction.  What is it exactly that attracts us to another human being?  I can admire physical beauty by whatever standard I have created in my mind.  But my type?  Looking back I don't necessarily think I had a type.  I was drawn to fair-haired men but those relationships typically turned into friendships.  I found that many of the men, including my husband, whom I developed serious relationships with were usually tall with thinning hairlines.  My husband was the shortest at 5'11" and the tallest was about 6'2"-ish?  Me, I am not as tall as I think I am - I tend to forget that I am actually short at 4'11.  I just think tall.  ;D

 

I am a sucker for highly intelligent, well-read men with a quick sense of humor - not necessarily silly humor but more a dry (sometimes sarcastic) quick wit.  I always appreciated how my husband could quickly pick up on nuances within a situation and make me laugh with some snappy comment.  The best thing about him was his caring heart - he loved little kids and babies. 

 

I loved the way he loved me and accepted the person I am.  I am high rev, busy, driven, always passionate about something, and sometimes neurotic, yet he calmed me like no one else could.  If we were with family or at some other social setting, he could look at me and he seemed to know when I was a little unsettled - then, he would smile and give me a wink.  Somehow, it gave me reassurance to simply center myself and enjoy the situation. 

 

Currently, I am seeing a gentleman I never thought would be my type.  Maybe an associate in a business, networking, or community setting - but never someone I would have a personal relationship with - he's teaches at the UW, 5'8", has a little girth to him, and has hair!  He's centered, laid back, makes me laugh, and likes me for who I am and knows that I am actually a package deal with a 16 year old girl who adored her daddy.  She's met him and she likes him.  Playing it by ear and seeing where this will take me.

 

Sorry to ramble.

[maddalena]

i used to be like you too, but now both of the major men in my life were guys to whom I was not initially attracted.

In fact, when i met my husband i found him to be whiny and immature. 5 years later, oh boy!

 

new guy, ok, when i met him in 1969, yes, he was very attractive but when i re-met him in 2014,  what i saw first was a balding old man with bad posture.

not exactly a turn on.  however, in time ( a few days) I did find him very attractive.

 

so if you meet someone who is fun to be with and a pleasure to talk to, enjoy them.

if you're not attracted at first, give it a little time..

it's really nice to be compatible with that hot flame.

 

[Booney]

Hi everyone. I was a regular reader at YWBB and glad to find this new board. Although I rarely post, I had to chime in on this one. About a year after my husband died in Nov. 2012, I took the plunge into online dating. After one 5-month relationship and a lot of dates - some bad, some not so bad - I met a guy for coffee who, from a looks standpoint, was definitely not my "type." I had always been attracted to tall, slender guys with a full head of dark hair (which describes my late husband). New guy was short (about an inch shorter than me), round and bald (in fact he shaves his head because what little hair he has, he doesn't like).

 

During that first coffee date, the conversation flowed well and I liked his personality. However, I didn't feel romantically attracted to him. My usual attitude about dating was, if it doesn't spark on the first date, there isn't a second date. However, when he asked me if I wanted to get together again - this time for dinner - a little voice in my head said, "Why not? Give this another try." For the next month, we saw each other several times. Again, I felt really comfortable with him, but there was no spark. But the little voice kept saying "try another date," and I listened.

 

On our 8th date, we went out to dinner and then stayed on for a drink at the bar. We talked and talked and, I can't explain it, but by the time we left, I was smitten (he had been smitten from the beginning). Seven months later, things are wonderful. We're happy and talking long-term. And the physical attraction is definitely there! He's a keeper.

 

I'm glad I had the patience to see where this was going to go. If I went with my initial reaction of not necessarily feeling physical attraction for him, I would have missed out on a terrific man and a wonderful relationship. Sometimes things just take a while to build.