Just need to know

[IfIonlycould]

Even if you want to lie to me...that it will get better. I am having a REALLY bad day.  There is stuff going on in my life right now that would not be happening if he were still alive.  Serious, hard to deal with stuff.  I have one friend IRL I am confiding in, otherwise I put on the face and keep plodding forward, talking about it is not going to fix it, it is all stuff that I hope can be fixed in time.  I know I have been through what was considered the worst event of my life with his death, yes it was the worst, but I was numb and in shock for a good year and a half which laid a protective coating around me to keep me from totally losing it, I think I really wasn't even aware of what was happening.  I am rebuilding, it has been crazy and difficult, no social security (people IRL are always shocked by this they assume even without kids the govt is sending me a big fat monthly allowance), no life insurance.  It has been a struggle emotionally, financially and physically due to a chronic disease I was diagnosed with before DH died.  I'm tired, just tired....

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I guess I just want to know that things can and will get better, somedays it all just sucks so very much.  Thanks for always being here for me wids.

[MissingSquish]

Grief and life ebbs and flows.  The only thing that is constant is that everything changes. There will be bad day and times and good days and times. Hang in there, we're all rooting for you!

[ShineOn]

Know that I love you.

 

 

[anniegirl]

Yes, it gets better.

 

There isn't a timeline and when there are added difficulties, it can take longer, but there comes a day when things stop being unrelentingly awful and later, a day when it's not so bad and eventually it's okay again. Often there is calm, content and even happy.

 

And I am not lying. If it never got better, I would say so, but the truth is that it does.

 

Hang in there.

[WifeLess]

IfIonlycould,

 

Sorry you are having such a bad day. Perhaps the following will help.

 

Looking back at some of my early posts, I am reminded of how I felt then, like I was wandering around in the darkness without a clue as to how to proceed. I could not see any long term future that I was willing to live. At one point I wrote:

 

"It has been just over 8 months for me and I still don't allow myself to look for the light that I hope will eventually guide me out of this. For I know it will not yet be visible. So I wait and I hold on. But it isn't easy. Every day is a struggle to maintain my sanity, assuming I still have any left."

 

And all throughout my first year, I thought my life was pretty much over. Nine months after my wife's death I posted:

 

"The truth is that I am not ok. Nor will I ever be again, now that I am without her."

 

But I was very wrong. Although it took more than a year, life did begin to change for the better. And over time, this eventually led to a rediscovery of great happiness. Which is why at 16 months I was able to write the following to a newer member still struggling:

 

"I am happy to report that I have recently begun to see some of that light. So have hope. You may see nothing but blackness right now. That is just the darkness of the grief tunnel that you are passing through. Keep holding on as you have been and you will eventually emerge into the light."

 

--- WifeLess

[ATJ]

IfIonlycould,

 

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time where your sky looks dark and ominous. As we all know, life is as unpredictable as the weather. Just as the black, stormy clouds can suddenly appear on the horizon, often, quite unexpectedly, a ray of light will penetrate the deepest dark.

 

In the meantime all we CAN do is trying our best to hold on, while listening to that faint whisper that says: "Don't give up!"

 

 

 

"Though you lose all hope, there is still hope,

and it loves to surprise!"

 

~~Robert Brault

 

 

Sending you Rays of Light!

 

ATJ 

[Beyondlife]

As Shine On said "Know that I love you"  I wish I had inspiring words, but nope, got nothing.  We just keep plodding on.

Hugs my friend.

[mokie]

Yes, no lie, it does get better.  You get to a point where you enjoy your new life.  You don't forget, but you begin to look back with smiles.  It's a different length "tunnel" for everyone.  But you do emerge, a new person, but whole, and with optimism for the future.  Keep at it!

[Bluebird]

IfIonlycould,

 

I'm so sorry you are in the middle of bad things happening that you know wouldn't be happening if your partner were still alive and by your side.

 

I AM NOT LYING...things will improve.

 

I think we all feel a certain amount of dismay when bad events/circumstances continue to affect our lives after the worst imaginable thing has already happened. So good things will come and go, and so will bad things.

 

But what gets better with time is our ability to deal with them. You are already an experienced warrior...you already have skills and resilience you didn't have before...and with time, you will be able to use that experience to help you deal with what life throws your way. You are already learning to sail in high winds, just as your signature line says! Hang in there!

 

As an aside - I also really like your username, it reminds me of the Simon & Garfunkel song, "El Condor Pasa - I'd rather be a hammer than a nail".... "Yes I would....if I only could....I surely would"

 

Take care, Bluebird

[Trying]

For some the collateral damage that comes with the loss of their love complicates the moving on and rebuilding process.  That is one thing I have learned here.  I hope that your collateral damage becomes less messy so you can focus on your grief and rebuilding. 

[Mancino]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time, IfIOnly.  I'm sure you're doing the best that you can.  Wish I could wave a magic fix-it wand for all of us.  {{widdahugs}}

[IfIonlycould]

Thank you all...deeply grateful to know there is somewhere I can come to and vent.  What is going on will take time, persistence and alot of effort  to get to the other side.  Thank you all for letting me get it out....for listening and offering advice and support....deeply appreciated.

[Lisa]

It absolutely honestly got better. I was disabled before he died. I lost half my income then all of his. Basically 75% of my income. I can not possibly express how  defeating and scary that was.  I took guardianship of his handicapped son. Dealing with social security sends me straight to my bed.

one day at a time, staying in the moment, a whole bunch of counseling and time have helped. it will be 6 years soon. I got dealt a shitty hand. Didn't always handle it gracefully but I no longer feel widowhood is to blame for  everything. We each take the time it takes.it ebbs and flows as MS said. Some day you will look around and see life may be diffucult but somehow it is no longer a compkete disaster

[Grammy]

Somehow, the bad days get further between.  I still have bad days.  Actually a really bad couple of weeks but I am a warrior and I will deal with it. 

 

It does get better and somehow the light begins to show. 

 

(((((Hugs)))))

[IfIonlycould]

I want to thank you all again...I think this will just be a year of pushing through to get to the other side...there are big issues being faced right now that will take time...

I'm going to whine now....dryer decided to quit heating.....doing all the proper troubleshooting...appliance supply store now closed...start trying to fix again in the morning....it's these little things that pile themselves on the big things and make me just want to crawl back in bed....

 

(what I really want to do is go to a beach somewhere by myself for a week and forget my life)

[mokie]

Oh, a warm beach somewhere is a great remedy for a myriad of troubles!!

 

And yes, a running list of little things happening is enough to derail the strongest of us!  Keep pushing though, one day (or problem) at a time.

 

<this, from the person who finally broke down and yelled and screamed when the sewer line busted, and **I** was the only one to take care of the problem, about 2 weeks out... Good thing we lived in the country and the neighbors were all pretty far away>

[IfIonlycould]

I'm doing better....I took off on Sunday and went driving out to the water...spent some time at the beach...beautiful sunny spring day...cleared my head...thinking about goals for the future but also kept myself in the now.

 

Thanks again.

[MissingSquish]

I'm glad you were able to clear your head a bit. Hugs!

[Mizpah]

I'm late to the game and you seem comforted, but for what it's worth, I firmly believe it gets better.  It has for me at least.  I can also sympathize with post-death financial ruin.  Life is brutal, and nothing is easy sometimes.  It took a good two years for me to smile easily again.  There's no timeline, but it takes time.  I hope you'll keep doing the things you need to do to find beauty in the world and solace where you can get it, and keep reaching out when you need the comfort of those who know and care.