Very Short Marriage...

[the_master]

I married my beautiful wife on 3/1/14.

 

On 2/19/15, she was gone, forever... 356 days. We didn't get ONE anniversary.

 

I am also a member over at Daily Strength's widows/widowers forum, but most of them are in their 60s & 70s.

 

It's difficult to identify with them, as they had 20-30 years with their spouses. 3 years ago, I hadn't even met my wife, yet.

 

It makes me extremely angry.

[JacklessSally]

[[[big hug]]]

 

I did not get to marry my sweet man, we had 1 year , 1 week and 4 days before he was killed.

 

We get it here, most of us on this forum did not have the 20-40 years of the other groups.

[Wheelerswife]

I understand your anger.  You deserved to have your wife for a long, long time.  I feel robbed of time I should have had with my second husband.  We knew each other just shy of 3 years and 10 months and we married a year after we met.  He too, went to bed one night and never woke up.  It has been over 15 months and I'm not nearly as angry as I was...but I still just shake my head and want to cry out, "Why did you have to die??!!??"

 

Keep breathing.  This isn't easy.  But every single one of us here have made it through this (and I've been through it twice) and in spite of how it feels like we can't live through the pain, we have made it through the 24 hours of each day since our hearts were broken.

 

I'm glad you've found us.

 

Maureen

[MrsT85]

I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us here, but I'm glad you've found us.  I cannot begin to tell you how helpful this community has been for me - I lost my husband when I was just 27, so I can't really relate to most other widows either.  I don't really want to hear about the decades they shared with their spouses and grandchildren and retirement and the like.  And it only makes me feel worse when I hear about people reminiscing about marriages that lasted longer than I've even been alive.

 

The life we've been thrown into is absolutely infuriating.  Especially when the time we had with them was so very short.

 

So welcome.  Please post and rant and rage as much as you feel comfortable with.  We get it.

[the_master]

Thanks... It's nice to finally find a more suitable forum. Nothing against them, I just have a hard time relating.

[Jess]

I went to one in person grief group and everyone was in their late 60's through 80's. They were lovely people and clearly felt for me, but we couldn't relate to each other. It's just how it is. I personally need a community like this one because people can relate to my circumstances and yes, age makes a difference on being able to relate.

 

I am glad you found us and hope you take the same comfort I have found here.

[the_master]

I wouldn't even try an in-person group... Very anti-social.

[JacklessSally]

I wouldn't even try an in-person group... Very anti-social.

 

I found one that was a group of younger people (I was still the youngest at 29). But they had all been married for at least a year or two before their spouses passed. We had a "Bring a picture of your spouse" meeting, and I followed the directions, but when it came to be my turn, the idea of having to say "This is my boyfriend" or "This is my fiancee" instead of husband like everyone else got to, made me freak out. Not to mention I was just barely at 3 months, and his birthday had been a few days prior to the meeting.

 

I have not returned to an in person meeting since

[the_master]

Surely they would have understood...?

 

I wouldn't even try an in-person group... Very anti-social.

 

I found one that was a group of younger people (I was still the youngest at 29). But they had all been married for at least a year or two before their spouses passed. We had a "Bring a picture of your spouse" meeting, and I followed the directions, but when it came to be my turn, the idea of having to say "This is my boyfriend" or "This is my fiancee" instead of husband like everyone else got to, made me freak out. Not to mention I was just barely at 3 months, and his birthday had been a few days prior to the meeting.

 

I have not returned to an in person meeting since

[JacklessSally]

Surely they would have understood...?

 

 

At the time it didn't matter if they would understand. Everyone was giving such glorious speeches about the people they spent years and nearly decades with, and there I was, still very fresh in my loss dealing with having to say the b word or the f word in front of a bunch of widows... Widows who could legally call them selves that.

[Jen]

I am so, so sorry for your loss, and that you had to look for us... but this really is the best place to be. Keep talking; we're here, and we get it. Hugs to you, if you want them.

[mo12]

I get it. We get it. My fianc? died before we had a chance to get married- the date was set and I picked out my dress but... Then he died. We had three years together and I can now look back (more than a year after he died) and feel grateful for that time... though I still feel cheated. For a long time I hated seeing elderly couples, or couples in general, I was so jealous and angry, but that part has become much easier. This is a good place to vent, to read, to find others who get what you're going through. Hang in there.

[the_master]

I hate it, as well. Especially the old bickering couples that don't know what they have, yet.

 

Until it's gone. My parents are a good example (bickering & arguing). They've been married for 50 years or so. I didn't even have 1.

 

It's hard being around my own parents, now.

 

For a long time I hated seeing elderly couples, or couples in general, I was so jealous and angry, but that part has become much easier.

[Jess]

 

It's hard being around my own parents, now.

 

A couple weeks after my husband died, my parents had their 44th anniversary. I was happy for them as they do have a good marriage, but they insisted I join them for dinner. Celebrating the longevity of their marriage when mine would never even hit double digits was too much. I know they meant well, but that was a rough night for me.

[Guest sphoc]

DH and I were married for about 15 months, but we'd only been living under the same roof for about four months because immigration took nearly a year (I'm US, he was UK). It's hard for me because I lost him to suicide, and I also feel cheated. I know he was ill, but sometimes it feels like he didn't give us a chance. The first time things got really rough, he pushed me away and then he died.

 

 

It can be hard finding people who can relate, but that is what I like about this forum. Even though our situations may be very different, there are people here who can relate.

[the_master]

DH and I were married for about 15 months, but we'd only been living under the same roof for about four months because immigration took nearly a year (I'm US, he was UK). It's hard for me because I lost him to suicide, and I also feel cheated. I know he was ill, but sometimes it feels like he didn't give us a chance. The first time things got really rough, he pushed me away and then he died.

 

 

It can be hard finding people who can relate, but that is what I like about this forum. Even though our situations may be very different, there are people here who can relate.

 

Damn... I'm sorry to hear. Yours was as sudden as mine.

 

Night before, everything normal. Next morning, dead.

 

I honestly don't know what is worse, sudden death or illness leading to it.

 

I think illness probably is, because the last days are spent dreading the inevitable, whereas for me, the night before was a normal, happy, night.

[biscuit]

I really feel some of the things you write @the_master.

I too spent a lot of initial time on DS, but it just makes me angry when people are insensitive to the younger crowd and say things like:

+25 years just wasn't enough (are u kidding me! what i wouldnt do for 25 years)

+the only thing that keeps me going are my children (so what am I supposed to do without any of these children motivators)

 

I know everyone's situation is different, but I really find strength in empathy and need people who get it.  Which is pretty hard to find because the widowed community is already such a minority, and then throw in sudden death, short marriage on top it and it seems like you are sooo alone.

 

Anyways, the point is I get it too.  And I am also angry at just how unfair this all is.

[the_master]

I really feel some of the things you write @the_master.

I too spent a lot of initial time on DS, but it just makes me angry when people are insensitive to the younger crowd and say things like:

+25 years just wasn't enough (are u kidding me! what i wouldnt do for 25 years)

+the only thing that keeps me going are my children (so what am I supposed to do without any of these children motivators)

 

I know everyone's situation is different, but I really find strength in empathy and need people who get it.  Which is pretty hard to find because the widowed community is already such a minority, and then throw in sudden death, short marriage on top it and it seems like you are sooo alone.

 

Anyways, the point is I get it too.  And I am also angry at just how unfair this all is.

 

I cancelled my DS account. That (what you said) and I had a run-in with a 73 year old bible thumper... It just made me angrier.

[gracelet]

Married five and a half months. Not even married - civilly partnered. Gay "marriage" was introduced after she died. Same rights, but different in name, but YES, the name makes a difference.

 

We were together five and a half years. I am so grateful for that and how she shaped me as a young adult.

 

Do I feel robbed? At one point, yes I did. Now, I've come to realise that it's not about the time we had, but the intensity of love. And that was a shit load of love.

 

"Measure your life in love" is a quote from the musical Rent, and the song Seasons of Love, which is poignant for me. When I finally figure out a design, I'll get it tattooed on me. Google the song!

 

It's shitty that objectively we didn't have as much time with our loves though. I get it.

[Guest Kamcho]

I lost LH when I was 30. I had been with him since I was 18. Sometimes i feel greedy... but 12 years wasnt enough. Not at all. The whole "young widow" vs widow makes me shake my head. The average age at which a woman will be widowed is 55. I don't know the stats for men. 55 is not "young" to me. It's middle aged and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with being middle aged. It's hard bc most ppl here are 40s and 50s and with kids, and the blessing of being in decent health. It's hard to relate sometimes.

 

I don't have kids, I was isolated in many ways bc I married someone 10 yrs older than me when I was very young. I left my country of origin to be with LH. I'm pretty much alone. There is no one I share DNA with less than a long flight away. LH was my world. Cancer and widowhood devastated me financially and my education and career are not viable.

 

I've heard people say that perhaps there are worse ways to lose a spouse. The average time it takes to die of Alzheimers is 7 years. Being a caregiver almost killed me.

 

I'm rambling and all over the place. It's sad that we have such an age phobic, death phobic society and that many people have lost their manners and sense of community with others.

 

Whatever one's fruit may be, it's all a basket of suck.

 

And 6 mos? Way too damn short. . We grieve the past we lived without them, we grieve the present we had, and we grieve the future that never got to be.

 

I'm sorry you had to join us. You are welcome here.

 

Sorry this was rambling and all over the place. Over 2 yrs  for me, and I still get lost. Still feel him. Still miss him. The pain lessens.

 

PS early in widowhood I wanted to make knocking over cute l'il happy old couples and Olympic sport. Lucky fuckers.

[MissingSquish]

Hugs the_master. I lost my hubby after 7 months of marriage, but a total of 3 years being together. You are not alone here. I'm so sorry you had to join our crappy club.

[Mizpah]

DH was 28 when he died and we'd only had 3 years together.  In fact, the day I left the hospital for the last time, I got home to a delivery of the custom/handmade anniversary card I'd gotten for him.  We'd called each other husband and wife since the first couple months and wore wedding bands with each other's names engraved and I'd changed my name and we were legally domestic partners, but we took forever deciding how to "make it official" (because we thought we had the time to make it perfect for us - had JUST decided to do it alone on the beach in Kauai in Oct 2011 - oops, he died April 2011).  Were going to start a family, etc., etc.  I get it.  He lost the opportunity to be a husband and a father.  So young.  No matter how much I ever heal, I'll always be heartbroken for him and all that he never was able to experience. 

 

Edited to add: The day when I realized he'd been gone longer than we were together was a hard one.  When you intend to spend decades and decades - your whole life - with a person who only had so few....  I don't know how to finish that sentence.  You get it. 

[Alexswife]

Huge hugs to you all.

 

We were married for exactly three months and five days before my sweet husband was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the joy i felt on the day that I became his wife only to so soon be followed by the agony of losing him. I was engaged, married and widowed in nine months. It's a lot to deal with. The never having an anniversary thing is the worst. Every year on April 14th, I wonder what we would be doing.

 

Two months from tomorrow it will be three years since that terrible day. My heart still longs for him and for our happy, blissful life.

[Silwe]

I get it. We get it. My fianc? died before we had a chance to get married- the date was set and I picked out my dress but... Then he died. We had three years together and I can now look back (more than a year after he died) and feel grateful for that time... though I still feel cheated. For a long time I hated seeing elderly couples, or couples in general, I was so jealous and angry, but that part has become much easier. This is a good place to vent, to read, to find others who get what you're going through. Hang in there.

 

This. We had everything planned out, the date was set, and we were about to start with concrete preparations.. And then he died in an accident. We got a mere 2,5 years together, a blissful and happy time period in my life. I used to feel angry and cheated, and hated to see elderly couples. I'm almost two years out now though, and I just realised when reading @Mizpah 's comment, that soon he will have been dead longer than we were together. I dread that day.

 

But I feel you, @the_master . Hugs.

 

 

[sandrine2279]

everything written here is just so right....

too short happiness... I look at the children we won't have, look at those older women with their ring on/ telling me they're not widows... looking at those unhappy couples that can spend their life together.....

looking at my best friend staying with a long longtime boyfriend because she's affraid no to find someone else.

and me, I'm not even sad to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm grieving the wasted life of my beloved bear...

I really need to read everything here . telling me my bear and I are not the only ones.

thank you for sharing your stories.....