Been bugging me for a week now. Have to get it out.

[Tweety76]

Haven't posted much lately and been mostly lurking (less than I used to).

 

So last Sunday we had informal get together with local wids (we don't call them bagos for the mere reason of language). There were three very new ones, 2 year widda, 4 year widda, 8 year widda and me (a little over a year widda). The new ones were asking questions from us more seasoned ones and of course we shared. I told my story and said that after the year mark and actually a lot earlier things got better and easier. The 4 year widda then said to the new one (about 2-4 months) that for her at third year things started to feel "normal" again and there was no magic at the year mark (I spoke first). I started to think that how is it that we are so different. The new widow looked horrible when she said it (she looked hopeful after I spoke). I nearly started to think what am I doing wrong. But not just yet.

 

Then the topic of being angry at the dead spouse came. The seasoned ones said they had that and I said that I have not ones been angry at DH. To many others I have been angry at but not him. My justification: He was such a great person that I was never angry (I mean really angry at him when he lived, so why would I do it now? Wasn't his choice to die.). The 8 year widda just flat out said to me: you still have time. I've been wondering since that moment that am I doing something wrong? Yes, I miss him. I sometimes cry for him. Heck I cry for my own life but it passes and I know it and it doesn't fill my days and actually requires a trigger which I inflict on me (yes, I'm nuts). Cheese... Why is this bothering me so much?

 

BTW, my extensive usage of the word widda is because I like the term, that's all.

[Wheelerswife]

Tweety,

 

Everyone's experiences are just different.  I'm guessing that some of the more seasoned widdas at your meetup just don't really get that.  I'm probably guilty myself of not really getting that point in the first year or so after my first husband died.  My two experiences of being widowed are very different from each other.  I've not had anger at either spouse for dying, but I was really angry at the universe after my second husband died because he had so much left to do with his life and that potential was stolen from him. 

 

There are no specific magic marks in time.  My life turned a big corner 6 months after my first husband died.  My life turned another corner after I got my service dog in December, nearing the one year mark for my second husband's death.  Still, I haven't turned a big corner yet in terms of finding myself happy again.  I am a lot less anxious, perhaps.  I have a bit more direction for a future career, too, but that just happens to coincide with my university studies and not in relation to timing since my husband's death.

 

I guess I just want to say that your experience is just what it is - yours.  Don't be afraid to encourage new widows with your story.  Just be aware of their experience and validate their reality, too.

 

It sounds like you are the kind of widda friend that the new widdas need.

 

Maureen

[Virgo]

Everyone grieves differently. We all have different situations. Different relationships with our spouses, different causes of death, possibly different circumstances leading up to their death. Different family dynamics. How could we all grieve the same? I don't think anyone should be telling you how you will or should feel either. You don't even know how you'll feel a few months from now, so how would they? In a group setting like that I would expect people to just listen when I open up. Maybe share with me when they can relate to something I've said. I would do the same for them. We're here to support each other and listen, not tell each other how to feel.

 

You are not doing anything wrong Tweety.

[MissinGrizz]

We are all different. I never got angry at DH. I did feel better after a year but then sort of dipped back into grief as reality set in, but it's been well over five years and there is no anger.

[donswife]

I am at the 6 month stage but I look here to see what may be ahead

also to look for hope that it gets better or to brace myself for whats ahead

I could never imagine being angry at Don , I do get furious at the universe for robbing him/me of the future

I do agree everyone grieves in their own way and I embrace all that everyone has to offer

I am hopeful the new wids took in what they could

I know I grabbed on to the getting better stories to get me through

 

[Jen]

I don't think it's productive to compare grief. We all process differently, our stories have commonalities but they're all unique, so our grief will be unique as well. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to wid. I've found myself hesitating to post here, because I'm not in a great place-- I was doing better for awhile, but I crashed and burned, and I'm afraid of discouraging anyone. I want to be able to tell "younger" wids that it does get better, there is hope-- but right now, to me, that feels like a lie. I have virtually none, but I still hold out a *little* hope that there will be hope again for me someday.

 

I'm just rambling, I don't know if that means anything or not. Anyway, I'm listening. (((HUGS))) to you...

[SoVerySad]

I agree that everyone responds differently based upon their own unique circumstances. You aren't wrong for not feeling any anger anymore than those who have felt anger are wrong. I admit to having felt anger at my sweet husband at times, despite rarely ever getting angry at him in our married life. The morning of the day he died, I wanted to take him to the ER. I had made plans to drop the kids off at my in-laws and was literally standing car keys in hand. He refused to go, assuming it was just the virus I had been fighting for a week. Four hours later he died suddenly in our home resulting in our two children and I trying desperately but unsuccessfully to revive him. So, yes, I've felt anger that he wouldn't go to the ER when I asked him to. We could have at least avoided the trauma of him dying at home in that manner. I think there's a good chance he would still be here if he had gone as they could have provided immediate defibrillation there. But we'll never know. At the very least, I'd have known I did everything I could rather than sometimes feeling the weight of regret at not throwing a fit or something to make him go. I know he'd have gone if he would have known the outcome, of course. I don't stay mad at him long, because I love him so much.

 

I think there is benefit in just being honest about our own experiences. While it may seem better to soften it up for the benefit of others to help them feel hopeful, the flip side of that is that someone in the throes of really feeling hopeless, etc. may be left feeling very alone or as if they aren't "grieving right" or they somehow are failing, etc.. I feel that's why a forum such as this is so valuable with many different experiences being shared. I've found hope when I needed it and I've found kinship when I've been in some very dark places as well.

[Tweety76]

Thank you everyone for your understanding responses! I know that the paths are unique but the "you'll be angry at him in time" kind of response just took me off guard and for some reason got stuck in my head and made me doubt myself. I am worried at time that am I denying something but I suppose that is a discussion to have with my therapist.

 

BTW, I instructed the new widow here. I truly hope she decides to join us. The support, love and understanding that exists here is what would be in her benefit. She (like all of us) needs so much kind support and glimpses of hope.

 

Thank you my fantastic friends! As I've said so many times, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you <3

[IfIonlycould]

Tweety-7 years is coming up in July....I have not gotten angry at him...there is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with my wid friend who is "F____g Pissed" at her DH....we are all in this together but having different experiences...your way is the right way for you right now...and that of course is always subject to change.  Sending understanding thoughts.

[Guest nonesuch]

My path is a little different in that I didn't have the storybook marriage. I was planning to leave my marriage when LH was diagnosed.  I guess I was a little angry at him, but more at myself for not ending my marriage sooner. 

 

They're being a little myopic to think their situation is universal.  *Everyone* doesn't have a perfect marriage, or crappy in-laws, or houses too big to keep. 

 

*Everyone* doesn't have the ability to keep their pie-hole shut when their comment doesn't add anything to the discussion. (Well, mostly that's me.)

[Beyondlife]

Tweety-7 years is coming up in July....I have not gotten angry at him...there is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with my wid friend who is "F____g Pissed" at her DH....we are all in this together but having different experiences...your way is the right way for you right now...and that of course is always subject to change.  Sending understanding thoughts.

 

Would that be me????  LOL