thought I could handle anything - not

[Beyondlife]

I feel like such a coward. 

Strong, stoic, do the right thing - that's me.  Yeah right.  Not today.

 

The brother of a woman I work with died and the funeral is tomorrow.  I normally would not go, as I have to take the night off work and I don't know her well so nobody would think anything about it.  But she just got a promotion 2 months ago and has the same position as me on the opposite shift.  We will be working together frequently in the future.

 

Her brother is laid out at the same funeral home as Grant was.  There is only 2 rooms and I'm sure it will be the same one as it is bigger.  I had decided I would go, took the evening off work in case it impacts me.  I had a plan.  But as tomorrow gets closer I am freaking out inside.  I don't know that I can walk into that room, the room where I saw my husband for the last time.  I don't want to make it about me and my loss.  Even the thought of going there makes me panic inside.

 

It has been 4 1/2 yrs.  I've been to funerals, spoke at funerals, took care of my best friends funeral, I feel like I SHOULD be able to do this.  I can't.  I already texted my boss and told her I'm not going and will go to work instead.  I felt like a coward but now that I've typed this and got it out, I think I don't care if I'm a coward or not.  I'm not going.  I'm not going.  (I sound like a kid stomping feet saying you can't make me)

[MissingSquish]

I get this. It is ok, you don't have to go. It sounds like it would be intensely triggering for you, and it's a coworker, not a close friend or family member. 

 

I went to a coworker's brother's funeral since Squish died, and boy, was it a mistake.  Though I worked in a small office, and she was in my department, there was no good reason that I should have gone.  It just made me sad for the rest of the day and week.

[IfIonlycould]

Hi my dear sweet friend-it is ok you don't need to go...take one of your "care packages" to the house or send her a heartfelt card or a pot of forget-me-nots.  If you know it will be a trigger why put yourself there?  You have been through so much with Grant's death and your best friend dying...if going to that funeral home and being in that room is going to set you back then you actually owe it to yourself not to go.  You are one of the kindest people I know, you are not skipping the funeral for lack of that, you are taking care of yourself.  It's ok. ((((HUGS))))

[Bluebird]

Your mind and heart are telling you that this is a trigger you just can't handle right now. I think you're wise for listening to your thoughts and feelings.

 

Take care, Bluebird

[BrokenHeart2]

I get it. This time it's not about who you are going for but where it's will be held. Many won't understand but we do. Do what's best for you in this situation. Not family or close friend. Don't beat yourself up. Sat. will be 2 yrs for me and I haven't attended a wake or funeral since. Supposed to go to a wake this Wed and a wid friend will come with me. Still don't know if I'll go. One day at a time

Hugs

[anniegirl]

You can only do what you can do.

 

And you can be there for your co-worker in other ways later on. There are many ways to be supportive, and I have no doubt you will be.

 

You don't have to handle everything. Even years out.

[Trying]

Send some food and a heart felt note, that will mean more than one more face in an endless blur of people paying their respects.  You are not a coward, you are being self aware and you know that you will be of no real comfort to anyone if you are drawn too deeply back to your own loss. 

[Beyondlife]

thanks everyone.  I just needed someone to understand.  I knew if I came here I would get the support I needed.  Biggest of hugs and thanks

[Lisa]

I don't think the relationship seems close enough to warrant putting yourself through this. I wouldn't,

[MissinGrizz]

This happened to me, but it was my coworker's son. I went, almost held my breath, went trough the line and out the back door and promptly threw up. I didn't tell anyone as the day wasn't about me. When my coworker returned to work, she told me she's never have been able to do it in reverse and would've understood if I hadn't gone due to it being the same place. Do what you need to.

[HvnBound]

It does not matter how long it has been in my opinion, it is being held where Grant's visitation was located, so no, you are not a coward. You are simply protecting yourself from harm. We all know what will happen to this new widow in a couple of weeks or months, everyone will expect her to 'move on' and will disappear despite saying, call me if you need anything, but that is when, if you wish, you can ask her out for lunch or dinner to let her talk about her DH. I really don't remember all of the people that went to DH's visitation, it was all a blur.

 

Hugs to you!

[BrokenHeart2]

I didn't go to the wake today. I will visit the widow next week and bring a meal to her. I wasn't up to the crowd of people so I decided not to go. She will understand in time if not right away. This just all sucks. I never used to be this way.