Can someone just talk to me for a minute?

[Jen]

I wish I had something concrete... hang on, sweetie. (((((((HUGS))))))))

[Catnip]

When all else fails, pray. And then pray some more. And then pray again.

 

Speaking of prayer, do you belong to a church? Are you near a church? Can you join a church? Can you contact a church and see if they can help you, at least with a food pantry?

 

OK then, I will pray for you.

 

Hope things get better for you, your family and your puppies.

 

~Catnip

[BillsKim]

Hard to get in here on my phone.  I don't have internet so have to use the fb app and go through the group and use the link. Sometimes it works most times it doesn't.

 

I've joined fb groups for jobs. Most I can't get to without a car. When I could I still get nothing. I hurt like crazy when I wall. Its getting hotter and I don't know how much ill be able to walk then.  I've worked hard to find something before the heat hits. It's 90 today. Not bad but slows me down.

I've tried gardening for 4 years. Nothing but a handful if tomatoes has ever grown. Thing is it was a beefstake plant. I used to plant things all the time. Flowers are no problem but we can't eat them. I've just always wanted to have something I can't usually afford and now things we have yo have. Neighbors on with sides have gardens. I started mine first. Plants aren't big enough to put in the ground. But I'm trying.

 

Do I pray? From the time I wake up and all day long.

 

I have phobia. Phones, riding with someone else driving, buses, leaving my house. I'm trying to deal with those but its getting worse.

 

I've had 5 major strokes that cause my brain to hemmoragh and bleed. A brain tumor a kidney disease and I can't get SSDI. But I can visit that office and be in a cubicle and hear 5 or more people around me talking about how they messed up with rehab and how they need to check back in and workers telling them they get their checks released asap. I get told ti try different jobs. Things I've been told in the past to not do if I don't want to cause another stroke. I haven't seen any if those doctors in over 10 years. I've tried to stay alive on my own and the last 2 strokes we were sent to a doctor that wouldn't listen when I said all her damn med were keeping me sick. She laughed. I haven't found a good one since, so I don't go.

I'm since stressed out over money I can't function. Without a car I have a very limited area to walk to to apply. Most tell me to apply online. I can't even do that anymore. I don't live in a very good area. My block has actually gotten better. No more gang bangers and drug dealers. But walk off my block and its a different story. No way could I carry a laptop somewhere to use internet. If I did for a while when I could drive but I'm not dying over being robbed. I don't go places or do things unless its with family. Its not like I spend money on things. He'll I haven't bought a new pair if Walmart jeans since after Bill died cause I first lost then gained weight. I own 3 pairs. I have to borrow a belt from Dakotah's skinny but to keep them up. I was them and hang them it to dry and I see light through them. My tank tops are all hanging, most are have holes and so thin its unattractive ...very. ignore I been over I'm naked.  I I moved in here thinking we'd be living into a big house again soon. I bet I've got clothes buried in there that look new, but even though I had a way to get to them before I never had gas in a tank. Just every day I wake up and know this is going to be the day something happens. It happens alright. Something else shows up that the I.ly way to make it go away is money. I've tried selling things I have.making things to sell looking into direct sales...Anything. But I get nothing.

 

I want to buy a bar. I'm to old and ugly to stand behind one, but I know how to run one. I don't really drink. I'm saving that fir my daughters wedding in July and doing shots till u drop, cause .... I don't know the cause...just doing it. But I bet I can make a profit, cause ill be watching all those people with their SSDI checks filling my register. Seems like other than dealing them drugs, its the only way I'd get a check. And I don't don't think everyone who has a problem shouldn't get help, I'm just frustrated. And the fact I had a husband that hated when I did work cause he was the provider absolutely sucks. The second to the last job I had I had ffor a total iof 10 years. I quit and a couple years later I went back when the owner begged me because she was getting ripped off. But that job paid cash. Doesn't show up be benefits cause I didn't earn any and puts a huge gap in my work history. But I tell you what. I'd sure do it right now.

 

Gotta rub something into my back and leg. All I've gotten done is take my little Minnie out to potty and I hurt to bad to move.

 

Funny I'm exhausted

[Bluebird]

(((((BillsKim))))),

 

I'm devastated to hear of your continued struggles to make a living. I have seen your continued efforts to try different approaches and I'm in awe of the resilience you have shown to keep putting one foot in front of the other, literally.

 

No, we are not sick of you or tired of hearing your struggles. No, you are not useless. You have come this far Kim and I believe in my heart you will find something soon.

 

I am praying that things will turn around.

 

Love and hugs, Bluebird

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi there.  I can't stop thinking about your posts and have been trying to think of something proactive I could do to assist.  If you are comfortable PMing me where you live, I thought I could do some research for you.  I am very concerned about your food situation; it cannot be helping your health situation either.  It seems to me that there should be a solution to this.  It isn't much but if you'd like me to research some options, I would be more than happy - relieved, in fact - to do it. 

 

You matter.  it may not always feel like it but you matter.  Please keep checking in so we know you're there. 

[BillsKim]

TooSoon sent you a pm. Thank you sooooo much.

 

The reason I haven't answered others is because throuthe pages jump around on my phone. The curser jumps, I lose a rare connection and get knocked off.

 

I'd kill for a cigarette and a pot of coffee right now. Good think Dakotah  hides in his room. I'm not good company right now.

[calimom]

Hi BillsKim:

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.  Financial stress is terrible.  Please don't blame yourself; it's not your fault.  Am I remembering correctly that you're in Modesto or someplace near there?  If so, I found a list of food pantries.  Hope someone can help, you and your son need to have food.  It's OK to ask for assistance when you need it.

 

Here you go.  Hope things ease up soon.

 

http://www.foodpantries.org/ci/ca-modesto

[BillsKim]

THANK YOU!!

[BillsKim]

I'm surprised. I know there are food pantries here and not one in that list. Everything close are miles away and you can only get there by freeway 

That's really weird.

[Amor]

What do you make and sell?  I am glad people are trying to help show you where to get more food. 

I am praying for the right job to fall in your lap.  And peace and comfort.  This road is so hard. 

Amor

[Guest TooSoon]

OK, so I tried to reread the message I thought I sent you early this morning but find no trace of it in my in- or sent-box.  So, in short, I contacted a friend who is local-ish and have also found some other promising options.  Everything is closed today because it is Sunday but I'll make some calls tomorrow. Just didn't want you to think I'd forgotten.  If you could pm me your phone number, that might be helpful in setting something up.  I will do what I can.  xo

[BillsKim]

5till have a bouncing screen but all new phones. Dakotah and i left home just before 1:30 and got to the regional office a little after 3:30. I just needed to pay my bill before 5. I was affraid they'd turn them off and charge me even more since we hadnt gotten new ones. I also wanted to find out what they were going to charge for the upgrades. Private dealers can charge what they want as far as the tax. Don't get that. But, they should not have been charging me the activation fee. I ended up giving them the stores that were doing that. Manager walked over while the girl was helping me and asked me to repeat what i had just said. The girl we worked with was shocked and said "they tried to charge how mu h for what?" So she ran it all down for me and i asked her several times if that was it, while she worked with us. The store closed at 5 and she and the manager worked to set us all up and transfer all our info. I ended up with an additional line, addition free phone and my new bill will be $8 cheaper a month. So after paying my bill it was $24 or $28. Huge difference from the 90_100 bucks the other 3 were going to charge me. We left at 5:15 and other than the 20 minutes stopping at McDonalds for soda and tea, we didnt stop moving. Got home just before 9. Exhausted and so much pain i cant think. Gotta deal with the cars and utilities now. Still stressed but not terrified of having no way to even call 911. I'm just glad that store isnt that far. Usually takes me 10 minutes to drive there. Can't do that on foot. lol

[Heydear]

Billskim,

 

Good for you on the new phone deal.  It's amazing what some vendors try to get away with.

 

On the SSDI thing - have you consulted an attorney?  If not, please consider it.  Typically, disability attorneys do not charge anything up front, and fees are paid out of back-due benefits obtained if you are successful.  There's nothing to lose financially by talking to someone, and a lot to be potentially be gained.  It's an option that could generate income and make things easier for you.

 

Good luck.  Widowhood sucks on so many levels. 

[Sugarbell]

((((((BillsKim))))))

 

Do you live close to any churches? I know many churches do have food pantries...but also have discretionary funds to help with emergency relief for people. We have at least once a week someone walk into the church office needing help. Those funds have helped fix a car, pay utility bills, pay rent, etc. Also many times the people (secretary, pastor, etc) have contacts to help people get seasonal/temporary jobs. When I friend of mine was in financial trouble a few years ago-the church hired her to clean and help answer phones. I am not that big into organized religion...but most churches have many resources to help those in the community. Even calling local churches-Many have outreach workers/volunteers who will come to you with assistance if you can't make it to them.

 

Sending you strength.

[Guest TooSoon]

I found a pretty comprehensive list of churches and other organizations in Modesto that work with people in need and will make a few calls later this morning.  I was thinking the same thing:  all it might take is telling your story.  Like I said in my pm, I used to volunteer at an Episcopal church food pantry and we helped all sorts of people from all walks of life in all sorts of ways, not just with hunger.  Nothing wrong with leaning into your community.  We all pay it back one way or another. 

[Carey]

I was out of town the weekend and didn't see this. But my heart just wouldn't let me not reply even though it's a couple days later. I wanted to check on you.  I have many of the same financial worries (more like complete panic) .... Please feel free to message me anytime, but please post here and let us know you are ok at least for today.

[BillsKim]

I wrote a post last night and it isnt here. Frustrating!

Yesterday Dakotah and I left home at 1:25. We walked to the Metro district office. None of the indepentant stores were open and my bill was due. I didnt want to take the chance that they turbed them off and find a way to charge me more. So we got there after 3:30. I love the girl that took care of us. Told her i just needed to pay my bill but needed to find out what THEY were going to charge me. I had to have her repeat it a couple of times and confirm her answers to my questions. Then i told her what the other 3 stores had said. She looked shocked and said "They wanted to charge you how much?" The manager came over and asked if I'd repeat what i said and then asked which stores I had been to. He said they can add fees on top of what the tax would have been. That just now sank in, but they were not supposed to charge an activation fee. So one thing off my mind is our phones. Matter of fact,  not only did we get them replaced for just the tax, y they gave me an additional line and my new payment is now $8 cheaper. I ended up paying my lower bill and a grade total of $24!! Not 90_100 bucks. $24!!!! The girl who helped us and the manager worked with us until about 15 after the store closed. I have been so panicked thinking we'd have no contact anywhere and $24!!! I'm not as angry today as I was last night walking home. We left the store and walked across the parking lot to Walmart to price sd cards and use the restrooms and started back at I think 6:02. We stopped half way home at McDonalds and drank a soda and tea, got a refill and started back home. With a 20 rest for the drinks, we finally got home at 8:58. I was hurting so bad the walk back was slower. And havi g to rest where we did was no picnic for me. I get sick just from the smell of that place. Thank goodness for all the dust up my nose. LOL. And double thank goodness I had checked to see if there was anything left in my account to buy a bag of potatoes. My DIC payment was in there. Gotta get the rent paid and storage and I'll be broke in a couple of hours. That is if my body can get up and walk again today. One thing down at least. The DMV is a real pain. Paying for what I cant drive. Would have been nice if I could have yesterday. It's only a 15 drive to that store.

[lcoxwell]

I have not had a chance to read through this, until now. I am so very sorry, for all you have been through, and for all that you are having to deal with currently. I wish there was more I could say or do from this distance, than to say you are important to us and that I am "listening". ((((Big cyber hugs to you))))

[Carey]

I was thinking about you this morning Kim ... wondering if you are ok, hoping you are.

[BillsKim]

Oh my gosh... I've been trying to get in here forever. First it wouldn't let me post. At all. Then I couldn't get my phone to finish opening the link. Then I couldn't find the fb group where I knew the group link was. Luckily someone posted on it today and I followed it. Tried a few times to be able to post and it still wouldn't work. I decided I was gonna try one last time and it worked!!

So I'm still around and wanted you all to know, still no job. The places found for help out here didn't help me, but that's ok. Just gotta keep trying to get on my feet. I survived my daughter's wedding up to the last few minutes and my oldest son screwed that up. But the rest was beautiful and we were in the perfect spot for a million stars. The problem I had with my son was over their lowlife father. I despise that piece of garbage. I stay clear of him and they just done get it. Either that or they don't care. I'm going for don't care. But it was a stupid moment that he did regret the next morning. Non drinkers don't do well when they're trying to keep up. Anyway, their dad took a picture of the sky and my youngest put it on fb, so I stole it. There were eyes on the sky. You could see them. My daughter has 3 small pics of her grandmothers hanging from her bouquet. Tiny locket sized and a table without names or pics, to honor family that has been lost on both sides, over time.

I sat at my table most of the time. My cousin and I got crazy and dance all over for a few minutes. And I faked my way through most of the night. I even played off drinking. Mine you I had champagne during the toast. But when I went to where the bar was, there wasn't much chouce to work with as far as mixing and I don't like most booze...sooooo I filled a plastic cup half way with Tequila. Ar first I figured I'd do a repeat of my oldest daughter's wedding and stick with that. It was good, but this time no shots. I sipped that stuff. Less then half way through, I needed to get away from a conversation and hide, so I slipped the cup under the table and dumped it. Then acted like I couldn't just sit there with an empty cup and excused myself. I walked off and talked to people I hadn't seen in years. Hmmm I haven't seen anyone but my kids in years, now that I think about it. Then I saw someone I didn't want to talk to and headed for the bar and refilled my cup. That cup helped me to be able to move around. I could hold and and just talk or I could pretend I was easily distracted and could walk away from things. Truthfully, I probably drank the equivalent of 4 shots all night. Maybe. But I managed to pour small amounts out here and there. Now I hear I was wasted. LOL.  Anyway, I survived it. I found places alone all during the night and then at midnight I asked Bill to get my through that day without crying. That didn't happen but I did better than I thought I would. At least after the ceremony itself.

So I'm not gone again and just wanted you all to know how much I appreciate all of you and how much I love you all. If it wasn't for this board and the last, there have been many times I feel like I would have emploded from having to hold things in, because there's just no one else to listen.

Thank you all so much for coming to my rescue

I just had no one and nowhere else to let it out.

Love you all

[Carey]

I'm glad you were able to have at least some good memories of your daughters wedding ... sounds like your self preservation strategy worked   I was worried about you, I'm glad you're doing at least as ok as is possible at the moment {{HUG}}