BillsKim Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I'm kind of scared. To many things I can't fix and I seriously think its because I'm supposed to die. I can't come up with any other reason. And it figures, usually I don't care if I do, but Dakotah isn't set yet and he's just now able to get things out about Bill and my mom and dads deaths. And his dad is looking to be on borrowed time. The day before Bill died I told him not to be my #3. Then I find him dead. This time, I think I might be going. I really don't want to, but I can't take anymore. I hate being alone and losing everything. I don't know what to do. I could have posted on Facebook, but not for this. Just not for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Sent you a PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Hang in there, Kim. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Stupid phone I can't maneuver on here. I just don't know why I'm getting nowhere. I just can't find a way out. My kids have tried, I'm nerve caught up. Never. I'm so sick if trying and it gets worse. I'm terrified I'm going to have another stroke. I'm not going to make it next time. I've made it to many times and you can't keep tempting faith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 I've tried coming in and posting and never get in. I think.k its a sign Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jlp Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 We're here. We're here for you. I don't know what I can do to help you, other than to let you know you're not alone. Have you been sleeping? I know that lack of sleep can make things very dark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Ok, slow down just a minute. Take three deep breaths. (Hard to do when you are feeling frenzied, I know). You've weathered many a tragedy. There's no getting around that. No way, no how. These deaths and the fact that you are feeling defeated --"too many things I can't fix"--are not pre-indicators of your impending demise. Considering what you've endured, I think you are bracing for the next tragic event because life has you shell-shocked, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. The other shoe dropping is not an inevitability. You could wait for decades....And nothing. Do you suffer from panic disorder? Have you ever experienced a panic attack? I do, and some of your post reminds me of the feelings that encircle me when I'm in the frightful throes of one. I feel like I must be dying, or like I will die imminently, like in the next week. Often, my precious Grana would whisper to me, patting my hand: try and calm yourself, Sugar. You're struggling, but it's going to be alright, you'll see. Please PM me or email if you would like. Keep posting. And consider locating a good therapist--I believe therapy is one of the best investments one can make on their own behalf. Hang in there, missy. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 First, BillsKim, I am sending you a very tight hug. I can see that you are feeling very overwhelmed right now. Is it chat you are having trouble getting into? Are you able to access your private messages? If so, I would like to send you a message. I'd be happy to talk with you if we can get connected. I'm going to post this message and then send you the private message. Wait a minute or so and see if you can receive it, okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I've tried coming in and posting and never get in. I think.k its a sign It's a sign you are seeking and needing support, but nothing more. And that's what you should be doing, that's a healthy thing. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 We all have those days where we feel like we just can't take anymore. At all. But you know what? We keep doing it because we know there will be a better day, even though it doesn't feel like it and it may not register in the conscious mind. There is a still, small voice somewhere deep inside you telling you this and it has gotten you dark times before - and will again. Please remember we are here for you, just like you are here for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 (((BillsKim))) There have been many times I have felt like the end of my time must be coming soon. A spouse having a sudden death has a way of doing that to you. Sometimes I can almost feel like my heart is going to seize up and give out at any moment. Yet, here I still am. And here you still are. And you are going to do what you always do, which is keep hanging in there for another day, then do it all over again the next day and so on. Being overwhelmed is such a weakening feeling. Things going wrong and being overwhelmed is a terrible combo, but you have battled through before and you can continue to do so. We all care about you and support you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Its not one of those days. Been almost 5 years and when I have another,one of those days, it means it was a good day. Almost 5 years! No one will hired me. SSDI .sent me to their doctor twice and she couldn't believe it didn't go through the first time. I've put in probably closer to 2000 applications Thames 10000. I m useless to everyone. My kids have helped me here and there, till they sent making it. I'm tired, but I have to keep thinking of ways to make money, but NOTHING WORKS!!! I am just taking up space. I have no idea why I haven't gone yet, because I am so useless and the only person that didn't think so is dead!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Kim, Please call me. I am very worried. Your life is worth living. You are worth living. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I am just taking up space. I have no idea why I haven't gone yet, because I am so useless and the only person that didn't think so is dead!!!! You are not just taking up space. You are not useless. Bill was not and is not the only person that thought you are not useless. You are important. You are needed. You are loved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 I'm going to walk to the store with my son and get bread. So sick of bread and eggs, I'd probably bleed it. Think I needed yo cry. Gonna run cold water over my head. I feel like shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 BK.....I want you to know, that you were someone that let me see the light in my early, very dark days. You matter to me! I am so sorry things are so dark for you. You matter, YOU Matter, YOU MATTER!!!!! ((((Hugs)))))) I know I can't "fix" it, but hot damn I wish I could do for you what you did for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 I'm sorry guys. I'm a little better, but back to crying. I just feel likIe I'm nothing. Ii stopped posting on the board, because I just couldn't get anywhere and how do you fall that far in front of people you want to see get through this? I hadn't told anyone I was applying for jobs, because I wanted to just announce I had one. Know how many applns I filled out before Bill died? ONE!ONE stinking application ever!! Jobs were offered or handed to me. Now I have nothing to live one. DIC pays rent. I've sold a lot of my birds, thousands of dollars worth, for 80 buck!! If I didn't have what I do now, we wouldn't have eaten since April. Chicken maybe 6 times and the rest, fridge eggs! I'm stretching feed to just keep them alive. They stopped laying. My dogs are looking at me like I'm something to eat. I spent all of money for bills last month to pay for insurance for my truck. They had a hold on it since November due to no insurance. Were at the window paying the overdue registration and they tell me after all that, it could be 2-4 weeks for tags. I'm about to cry and Kotah and I get texts. He read his and then showed me. We have to upgrade our phones. I have a family plan, so we go to see about getting a free one and just paying tax and it has to be all 3 at once. Not only that, phones would be free, but their tax??? $100!... So we had decided when I spent the money to release the truck, we'd go out collecting recycling with it. Make it back, pay the dam phone fees, pay the bills and get more insurance to get my car released. I get a letter saying the truck was released and my tags would be mailed. yay....I get the next letter and they put another friggen hold on the truck because noinsurance on the car and I hadn't got it released. So I'm dying out here still walking and getting nowhere. I've had 2 job interviews in almost 4 years. Last one I left home at 6:30 am to get there before 9 and made it 2 minutes early. I didn't get seen till after 3. They had already filled positions by 10. I walked 16 miles and my old ass isn't getting stronger, I hurt worse. I had every utility set to be turned off. I turned off cable, phone and internet in November. Shit ....Still owe them 350 bucks...grrrrrr Everywhere we can walk to seems to only want online apps or you have to speak Spanish or be certified in something. Yeah, crap. I've never gotten an app finished before an hour and that's the limited time at the library and another long ass walk. Thing is, when I have to get anywhere, its far. I can't move for days sometimes after. I wanna work"! I want to be able to pay my bills and still eat. The positive side is I've lost 20 pounds, but now I look like a baggy bag lady. Got sidetracked. So in March my oldest daughter picks me up and pays all of my utility bills, plus 50 bucks on each one. I has credit and like $21 I had to pay on one last month. Breathing room and still screwed. Today I get a Bill from the same damn place. $136 with a disconnect notice!!! WTF ?!??? I call and have a fit, so I havebefore its due,so I'll have to pay that!! I can't take a bus anywhere, they cost money. I have zip by the 2nd of the month. One of my daughters put $40 in the bank last week, which id how we bought chicken. We've bought milk, bread, chicken and sugar. Oh and potatoes. Forgot about those. Only thing close to a vegetable for 3 months other than a can of green beans I saved to have on Dakotah's birthday. He was so excited. Over fucking beans!!! Since I haven't found work I tried selling things . That cost me $15 when someone walk her damn sandals through my yard and stepped in cat shit i!! It wasn't even my cat!! Gang banging beotch . There's so much more... I can't even explain how much more. And I can't get hired for wearhouse, grocery stores, nothiI hate this. Who knows ng. Why?? Because I'm not worth it. I'm really, just not worth it. I'm s 10th days. Shit I had a fing month to make $100 and I'm nowhere!!!! And now""!" The registration is due on my car next week, so no insurance to be able to put it in a non op be f Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 Shit I can't even control this board! What kind of loser can't post in a board?? Look at that crap! It went crazy and wouldn't clear up, so had to post it. I give up. Really. I thought that rant would make me feel better and now I know the problem. Complete IDIOT!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillsKim Posted May 30, 2015 Author Share Posted May 30, 2015 I'm so sorry. I'm sure everywhere everyone is tired of my bitching and whining. I just needed to let some of it out. I know it seemed like a lot, but that's just part and I'm so so tired. And before the board, I only had Bill to listen to me. Guess this is why. He was the only one I felt like was listening. No one just lets me rant and talk. I have no real friends. Just stupid posts to people I've nnever met and they're the oonly ones that seem to matter to me. I only see my kids once in a while and when I open my mouth, the eyes roll. One of these days I'm gonna snap and their heads will roll instead. I hate being lonely and to stressed to be around them. Got long again huh? Love you guys. Ill try messages again later. Didn't give me a reply button. Thank you for caring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 No matter how it was typed, we hear you. You are not an idiot. Keep posting. No one cares about typos. We just care about you and each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amor Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Kim I am sorry you are struggling at the moment. The work place for widows is hard. Have you tried asking people in your community if you could watch their kids, dog, or cat? Have to asked people if they would like their house cleaned? Or cleaned windows of local businesses? Anything to hold you over until you can find a something better. If there are elderly you could offer to do errands for them within walking distance. Cry.. It helps so much. I hope you know there are always people here you can vent to. I hope this helps. ((hugs)) Amor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Hold on tight. If you are still in extreme distress please seek help asap hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 wish I could say something to make it better but just know I am listening and hear you , We are here for you, keep writing I know sometimes it gets overwhelming and you cant even breath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Kim, I hoping things feel a little less overwhelming for you this morning. I want you to know I read every word you posted. I understand why you are feeling so weary after all you have been through. It is clear you've been trying very hard to improve your situation. Because you haven't done so yet is not a reflection on you. Not trying at all might be, although even in those cases sometimes people truly are just too overwhelmed to manage more at the time. I wanted to tell you that your financial situation does not equal your worth as a person. It just doesn't. Being in a very difficult financial situation where shoes keeping dropping at every turn you take is very hard to endure and can easily wear down your self-esteem, but not your worth. Your worth isn't about what you have, it is about what you do. Clearly you are very important to lmsmdm and other widows on this forum and the ywbb. You've made a huge difference in their lives. You are a loving, caring mother and it would appear you love animals as well. I know you have many other positive attributes that define who you are much more than your financial situation does. I also personally know a few people who have great wealth that aren't very good people. I much prefer good people. I don't understand why some people have to struggle so much more than others. I know struggles are so much harder to bear when you've lost the unconditional support of your spouse. Some days I think I can't endure anymore without my husband here to help me through it, but I know I have people who love me and need me to keep trying. You clearly do as well. You matter to them and you matter to us here as well. So many of us have faced those feelings of desperation and have found comfort and support here and on the ywbb. You've been one of those people who has provided that comfort and support to others. Please let us return the favor and lean on us as much as you need to. Sending you more tight hugs, Kim... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Tight hugs to you. Please pm me , I'm a good listener . We all need to be there for each other . ... Renee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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