rooshy Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 When things are frustrating or one of my kids (esp my autistic DS) is giving me problems, I look at DH's urn and say "Fuck You! Fuck you for dying and leaving me alone to raise your two kids by myself" Should I be past the anger or is it okay to do this after nearly four and a half years? I feel like I should be past all of this grieving but I'm not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 My opinion is that it is ok...you are expressing REAL TRUE frustration at an event that turned your world upside down....I don't know if any of us ever really "get past" it...but we hopefully learn to live with it as a part of who we are now. Have you tried therapy/reading/journaling/exercise/support groups/church? Whatever may be helpful to you on this journey? Just wanted you to know I hear you...somedays still are really bad (although the spacing is way further apart than it was at 4.5 years) and I'm coming up on 7 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iloveyoualways Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Roosy, at almost four and a half years I get it. I had a lot of anger in the beginning as my husband died doing an activity that he chose to do. A lot of anger which I could not express to others because he was the one who lost his life. But I lost mine too when he died. I would joke that if there is an afterlife he better be hiding when I get there. I have less anger now as I rationally know that he did not go there to die that day. He paid the ultimate price. My son has some health and psychological issues so when I get to the end of my rope, day, hour, etc. I am done. I need help and do not have any. I get pissed off at my husband for leaving me in this shit. Also, when I was losing our home. And all of the other financial responsibilities to keep us clothed, fed, and with a roof over our heads without his support. At times I have wanted to get drunk and flush his ashes down the toilet. So I think that we can get overwhelmed with life and feel like our support is gone. I feel like it is normal to be angry. I do private counseling and group support to help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Yes, it is okay! It is what you feel and it's okay to yell, scream, and say what you need to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 I feel like that's ok lifelong. Maybe unhealthy past a certain point (when? no idea), but we were supposed to grow old and die with these people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBB Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Rooshy, I think it is totally normal to feel this anger. Why wouldn't we? Our worlds changed in an instant and we are left to do this alone. We loved deeply and we mourn just as deep..I get angry too..At life, at circumstances and at him as well. I know it isn't his fault but I have to yell at someone or something to get it off my chest! I am a little over 2 years out. I don't see this changing anytime soon Sending you a huge hug! It's okay! We all get it . Cyndi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 I'm of the mindset that all feelings are valid. I personally haven't experienced anger toward my LH, but I have toward my situation. Being an only parent is tough. No one to tap you out when you need to step away from a situation. No back up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candace Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I am finding myself in a very similar situation; my elderly father probably doesnt have much time left; and I get angry at Arnie for dying and having to go thru this alone, just like my dad and I did 30 years ago with my mom. My sibs are all out of state, ,marriages spanning decades, children, and now grandchildren. They dont get it. I get angry with Arnie when I have to face this inevitability alone an then feel guilty for being angry. I bite my tongue around my brothers and sister and their spouses when they say they know how it feels. And really angry when they suggest the anxety and depression can be healed with a warm bath, or walk around the block. Even tho I dont post as much, I still need this sanctuary even after 3 1/2 years. It is still only here where I can share my small baby steps forward, and only here where everyone understands the despair after losing a spouse. In an email, my sister said she wants 'the old candace back' which to me is like looking at a piece of cake and saying you want the original egg back. We went thru a life changing event and going back to who you were before widowhood is an option that no longer exists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddienhp Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 When things are frustrating or one of my kids (esp my autistic DS) is giving me problems, I look at DH's urn and say "Fuck You! Fuck you for dying and leaving me alone to raise your two kids by myself" Should I be past the anger or is it okay to do this after nearly four and a half years? I feel like I should be past all of this grieving but I'm not. Yes absolutely it is ok. You didn't choose to be a single parent; it was forced on you. Raising kids alone it tough enough. Having one with special needs is overwhelming. I have a son with autism too. I get tired of all the paperwork, fighting for services, meetings, constantly finding and training staff, etc on top of working, supporting and maintaining a household by myself. Throw in a meltdown and I am done. You are venting in a healthy way. My concern for us is does the anger consume us and affect our ability to participate in life. If it is a build up of frustration followed by a vent release, it is typical behavior. If it significantly impacts our ability to function for an extended period of time its an issue. Thats my $.02. I get pissed at my late husband, look up at the sky and yell at him. He left a real financial mess for me to deal with. He should have known better since he was an accountant. I didn't need to deal with negotiating my way out of tons of debt on top of a then nonverbal, autistic 5 year old and a 2 year old. I am self employed too. What I had to deal with was unbelievable. It sucks to be the one left holding all the responsibility. I do have to say if God had to choose one of us, he chose the right one by taking him. He wouldn't be able to handle what I have to especially my son's issues. Give yourself a lot of credit for facing and for dealing with the situation you have been left. Vent away then give yourself a big hug. You more than deserve it, Rooshy. Eileen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grammy Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 (((Hugs))) I talk to my husband all the time. When my adult kids get on my last nerve, I have been known to tell them "just take it up with Dad. I am done." So since I do this after 8 1/2 years I don't see what is wrong with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaZ Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I just cussed D out during the kids' and my beach vacation as I had to decide if I could safely swim, snorkel, surf alone (my teens just saw the rental as a different couch to surf the internet from). He and I were SUPPOSED to be taking advantage of the kids' independence, romantically and otherwise, dammit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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