It is time.

[Guest TooSoon]

Not sure where this post should go so I am putting it here. 

 

For a very long time I accepted my reality and lived it out without making a single major decision beyond where to go on vacation.  I did nothing impulsive or rash; in truth, I still haven't.  I have been cautious beyond belief.

 

But here is the thing, I'm in this great relationship which I wouldn't trade for the world.  But there is no easy solution to our geographical problem and I don't want to live in England.  I want to be with him but not in England.  While I like visiting, I think I would be very lonely there.  But I am not happy here.  By now, I'm not unhappy because of grief or trauma, i am unhappy because I am still living a life that no longer exists and I am ready for a change.  I want out of this house and most frightening to me is how desperately I want out of my ("perfect" "secure" "tenured" "pensioned") job that I am "so lucky to have" (as people love to tell me) that is simply sucking the life out of me. 

 

I am not complaining.  I have a lot to be grateful for but I am really at a crossroads here.  I know that it is time for me to move on.  It is all I think about.  And I do not know what to do or how even to begin to do it besides doing things like taking care of the ashes and liquidating the clutter of the past 4 plus years.  I want more than anything to be with Andy, but I can't wait for him to get on with life.  Life is too short. Maybe our arrangement would be just fine as it is if I was more satisfied with where I live and work. 

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here.  Input, I guess.  Just anything that could help me think all of this through more productively than I can in my own wildly overactive mind. 

 

Anyone? 

[Sugarbell]

First off (((((Hugs)))))

 

I have never been in a long distance relationship post widowhood so I am not much help there.

 

I can relate that around the 4 year mark was when I said "I am fed up with this shit" and made some major changes in my life. (Got clean, went back to work, got healthy...got into new interests, etc)

 

I get the being tired of the secure job....Lord I have had so many careers since college..Just my personality. And yes..: when it starts sucking the life outta me is when it's time to go.

 

It does give you a sense of freedom and enlightenment when you are no longer a slave to a job. I mean don't leave until you have something else lined up....but oh I do understand (my Mom is still waiting on me to come back home and teach elementary school-which is what my BA is in. But it's not my calling)

 

I happen to believe that money, security, etc....all takes care of itself when you are pursuing your passion. I have made 20,000 a year to six figures in some jobs. I just adjust my lifestyle accordingly and somehow things work out.

 

Maybe a naive way of living....but at 44...it still works for me.

[Trying]

I also have no experience with the long distance relationship thing but I will say that I am at the point where I know I don't want to sit still and wait for life to happen or just go through the motions day in and day out.  I want to be passionate about something.  I'm hoping that selling my house, downsizing and simplifying with be the catalyst for more significant changes.

 

I don't know what the right step is for you but being ready for change will allow possibilities to present themselves. Our safe and predictable lives, so well thought and planned, don't exist any more and trying to fit our now square pegs into that old round hole just doesn't work.  I'm looking for answers and courage and direction too, we can nudge each other forward!

[BrokenHeart2]

Square peg round hole, oh yeah I get that. 20 yrs at Nortel taught me that. Had a great career and boom gone. 2004 life was altering for me. 10 more yrs I would have had full pension but that didn't happen either. There are no guarantees in this life. Then 9 yrs later the biggest life altering event ever.  Just go for it means more to me now more than ever. So much easier said than done, I know, I get that too.  Sometimes you just have to trust your gut, but at the same time you have to listen to ALL of what your gut tells you.  Best of luck to you!

[mo12]

Seems like you know what you need.  The status quo isn't working- is there perhaps a third option apart from status quo vs. England? You have always come across as smart and having your head on straight... maybe just discussing it with a friend or two (and us, here!) will help you see what you already know.  Wishing you the best in the next steps.

[Bluebird]

Hi TooSoon,

 

Putting aside your LDR, it sounds like you have arrived at a place of being ready to make changes to the things you wisely and cautiously avoided changing earlier in your grief...no major decisions etc.

 

Earlier in my grief, if I had listened to my heart, I would have quit my secure job because it all just felt so fake and meaningless. I'm glad I didn't do that.

 

But later in my grief, as I became stronger, I realized how very unhappy I was . As you say, I no longer wanted to give so much of myself to my career, it was "sucking the life out of me". Admittedly, there had been some VERY unacceptable changes that spurred those feelings on, but after a lengthy career (24years) and a senior role, I understood I was done. I left in December 2013 (almost 4 years after Stephen died).

 

I'd like to say I made the change and I've never looked back. But you don't show up at the same company every day for 24 years and then stop, without some additional adjustment. After 6-12 months, evaluating many choices and approaches, I decided on consulting. It is inconsistent, but a lot more diverse and interesting. Importantly it suits my goal of a better balance between work and life.

 

Along with changing my career direction, I made a lot of choices that I  call "consolidation", partly fueled by moving to live with my guy, but also partly fueled by pursuing my next stage of life. I sold an investment property, consolidated my finances etc.

 

As I look back, I made major changes so that the emphasis in my life could shift from creating the secure foundation, to enjoying the fruits of my labor in a balanced way. Not just existing, but living!

 

I'm not sure if this helps? I wish you well as you evaluate this time of change.

 

Take care, Bluebird

[Lisa]

Sounds like you're ready to make some changes. Start small and immediate. Things you are sure of. Then build on that. There is no race. But it sounds like you wish to stretch. Good luck. Take your time.

[Guest Lost35]

Years ago, I came to believe that taking a step into an unknown was simply that; a step.  If it didn't end up being the right time or place for me to be wherever I was, I simply needed to take another step until I arrived at where I was meant to be.  Inertia is sometimes our greatest difficulty.  Movement may or may not bring about the change we need, immediately, but it is still movement and makes the next move easier, if it is needed at all.

 

Or, more aptly put, as Peter was fond of saying; "sometimes you just need to close your eyes and jump off the jetty." 

 

 

 

I'm not sure if either is helpful.  Hopefully this is at least helpful to think about.  It is good for me to have a think about these ideas as well as of late, so thanks for the post and good luck to you with your decisions. 

 

-L.

[BrokenHeart2]

'Jump off the jetty'. Love it!!! I think I found a new motto at just over 2 yrs out. I was looking and I think now I've found it. Thanks Lost35

 

[Mizpah]

At two years, I realized I was ready for a BIG change, but I didn't want the responsibility of deciding and making it happen.  I kept telling my friends that I wished I was in a relationship with a man who had to relocate for work to somewhere bizarre I'd never want to go like Wyoming or something, and I'd just have to make a life, no choice.  Then I vacationed in Israel and wanted to move there.  Then I found myself getting involved with a man who lived a couple hundred miles away in my hometown - just a fling, then a long distance relationship, then I got pregnant and moved here.  I'm of two minds: half of me is like, "Be careful what you wish for," because I got it, and it's HARD to rebuild a life in a new place.  The other half of me is like, "Wow, you can make things happen just by wanting it and being open to the twists and turns in your life that will lead you closer to that." 

 

It seems you love your relationship but if you aren't moving and your partner isn't and you don't want a lonely life where you are, what to do?  I don't envy your position, and wish I had something awesome and easy to suggest.  Maybe it's time to start applying to jobs somewhere else and see what comes your way - throw it out there and see what bites, and where it all leads.  It could change everything, or show you what else needs to change, and what you want to remain the same.  People say I made big things happen, but I really just took things as they came. 

[Guest mawidow]

TS, I am so in your corner. Others have pointed out this can all be taken in steps and stages. Widows know better than anyone that life is about constant recalibration.

 

Two things that have been helpful to me:

1) getting rid of stuff. clearing out the house has a way of clearing out my mind. this led me a step closer to being able to sell my place, and then after selling and moving and moving again and starting school and and and... it's all felt like floating (or some days, freefall) - not quite grounded. But better than feeling trapped in a life that is like a husk to me.

2) not assuming that any one lifestyle will fit me for very long. I've gone through so many phases of widowhood (sometimes spending extra money as a temporary solution when I needed to rent an apartment or get groceries delivered or whatever).

 

Respect your constant state of becoming. It's an incredibly healthy sign that you are itching to hatch out into your next iteration (and the one after, and the one after).

 

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[maddalena]

last winter i faced another long lonely winter. My boyfriend lives in florida, a place i do not care for.

he said, come here for the winter!

so i did. Mind you, i'm retired, so it's a little different.

this is what happened:

I found a place where I could paint. I found a place where i could do yoga.  I started making friends. I created a new life, a new routine. Of course the absolutely horrid weather started around april, but i went home first. My prejudices changed a little. It WAS possible to be happy in that place.

 

My point is, it's easier than you think to create a new life. Honestly, I was shocked; i felt like i was a different person how easily i fell into new routines. Try it, you might just like it!

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Ahhhhh, what would I do without all of you?  I mean it. 

 

I'm an incubator.  It took me 6 years to finish my dissertation but the actually writing took place in a 3 month time span leading up to my defense and what came out then was the fully formed thought that had eluded me for the 6 years prior.  I'm not ready until I'm ready. 

 

Here are the knowns:

1) I love Andy, Andy loves me, M loves Andy, Andy has agreed to my conditions when it comes to my child and our relationship.

2) I am willing to move my child.  She is still little and this is still a transitional time.

3) Britain is great but it is cold, rainy and Andy doesn't have a huge social network into which I could tap.  He also goes off on visiting professor things and conferences for weeks at a time.  What would I do?  Could I ever learn to drive on the wrong side of the road (not really an issue obviously, maybe I mean it metaphorically)?  I'm not confident at all about living in England, though I could do lots of other places both here and abroad, like Scandinavia which is sort of on the table.

4) Maybe I should hire a head hunter to see what might be available.  One might think a PhD in art history has but one application but I'm not so sure about that.  With 14 years of full-time experience in higher ed, there may be a way to parlay that into something else.  Something flexible or even remote.  I simply don't know because I hadn't ever really considered it.  For now, changing jobs is not realistic at least for a year.

5) I have to get rid of this house. 

6) Maybe I need to consider that being a good feminist and an independent woman does not mean that I have to be completely independent on all counts and all fronts all of the time.  It is one of my biggest weaknesses, it seems.

 

So, the one concrete there is the house.  I'm going to focus on that.  I may lose money but there comes a point where you just have to make the leap.  We bought the house with a grand 20 year plan that now makes no sense at all whatsoever and in the longer term I would most likely benefit financially from walking away from it.  I find myself sat on the porch almost constantly because I can't stand to be inside.  That's not healthy or normal. 

 

Again, thank you, thank you.  Any other input you or others might have, I am all ears.  It really does help me sort through these big choices I know I need to make. 

[momtokam]

I think the head hunter idea for other options is a perfect place to start.

 

Something may be the perfect option but you never would have thought of it yourself. M is young enough to make the move soon.

 

I so understand the house thing. We bought 21 years ago with grand plans for many changes that DH was doing a bit at a time on his own.

I am left with a part finished basement, need for another bathroom, need for new windows, and need for an updated kitchen.

 

I would get out sooner rather than later but we feed into one of the best highschools in the city. Families pay big bucks to move in the area for this school. My older daughter is graduating next year and has done amazing in this school. Even though my twins are only 10, I'm thinking biting the bullet, staying and renovating is the way to go so they can go to this school as well. But when they graduate, I am out of this house!! Only 7 years to go 😨.  But as we all know, things can change....

 

Sorry for going off on a tangent but I offer you hugs and good thoughts. I know the right option is out there for you. You just don't know it yet.....but soon it will be as clear as day!

[Guest tableforone]

I know quite a bit about your situation.

 

It sounds like you are doing the right thing focusing on getting rid of the house. I spent the first months after my husband died clearing out our house. I had a very secure job that I loved but really felt I needed to move. (We lived on a dirt road in the woods near the mountains where he loved to ski.) I wanted to live in a neighborhood/city with people on the streets not moose and bear in my yard. I sold it. And I have never regretted it.

 

Over the next six years I grew to detest my new job. I just could not live with what public schools were doing to the children. Plus I worked in a very toxic school that sucked the life out of me. Having only done that career my whole life, I couldn't imagine not doing it. Well, I got remarried last summer and my new husband did not want to live with an exhausted, stressed out mess so we decided that I would leave. It was like stepping off a giant cliff into thin air. I know it was the right decision but it was and continues to be difficult to have lost that piece of my identity. I am not used to free falling and having a man there to catch me financially. We also decided to buy a home that is ours in a place we both love. I think that was very important that one of us wasn't living in the other's house.

 

Again, I have a bit of inside information on your situation due to my friendship with Andy. Although he makes me refer to him as Andrew . Perhaps his laid back approach or seeming approach is due to his want to not rush you into doing or making any sort of decision you might regret. And England does sound a bit dreary with the weather and them driving on the wrong side of the road and all. I do know that he wants a life with you as much as you want one with him. If you went to England, it would not need to be a permanent resettlement. Andrew is ripe for an adventure.

 

Continue to prep that house to sell. Get a real estate agent in there if you haven't already. I love the head hunter idea. Your expertise and field of study seems a perfect fit for somewhere in Europe. Prepare as much as you can to be ready. Because you sound ready. And Andrew is ready too. Sometimes we just have to leap and trust that things will fall in place.

[Guest TooSoon]

Oh tfo, we will see.  He will have to be able to talk about making plans in order for anything to happen.  I often feel like we are an afterthought (out of sight out of mind) or an accessory or another task to tick off (email toosoon: check!) or someone who just gets one email a day and that has to be enough.  He likes his routine.  A lot.  Such is dating a very, oh so very, categorically British man and longtime solo widower.  But thank you.  I know what I am dealing with and I also know I am ready. 

 

ETA: I just tried calling him to see if he'd pick up.  Its 130am there.  We never ever talk on the phone.  Once I asked him, "If I had an emergency during your night would you pick up the phone?" And he said he would.  But tonight he didn't.  His phone is off.  I'm a little concerned that I exist in a little bubble he's made.  He likes the idea of me but with limits and distance, like I said a nice accessory.  I might need him to prove otherwise.

[canadiangirl]

Continue to prep that house to sell. Get a real estate agent in there if you haven't already. I love the head hunter idea. Your expertise and field of study seems a perfect fit for somewhere in Europe. Prepare as much as you can to be ready. Because you sound ready.

 

TooSoon, thanks for posting this.  Your situation sounds exactly like mine minus the LDR.  You have received a lot of thoughtful responses, including TFO's above.  From the little I know of your skillset, I wish you would go off and work for Sotheby's or dig up Roman Britain or live in France so I could live vicariously through you.  I don't understand the resistance to England because I would love to live there but really, anywhere in western Europe would do. England could just be a stepping stone. You are going to shine at whatever you do, and M will thrive.  ((TooSoon))

[Guest TooSoon]

CG - thank you.  I think tonight I need to have a good long cry.  I know I am going to walk away from here; that's no longer a question. But to where?  I've talked to my daughter about moving to Europe repeatedly and she seems ok with it.  Now I just need to be confident Andy can adjust to us.  England is ok; it is just very dark, cold, rainy and people are pretty closed there and Andy really doesn't have friends in Liverpool who I could meet and who could be there for me when he goes off on his junckets.  God I am being such a baby.  I am sorry.  Just trying to figure it all out. 

[Trying]

You are not being a baby at all!  You are talking about major changes in where you live, who you live with and your career.  That is BIGGGGGG stuff and shouldn't be jumped into lightly.  But there does come a point when you have to s**t or get off the pot so to speak.  It seems that you are there, now it's just the particulars you have to figure out. 

 

As far as the LDR, I only know what you have posted here so I am in no way an authority on your relationship.  I think the hard thing is that you are not part of each other's daily routine. It's a big leap of faith for both of you when you haven't been a part of the mundane routines and ups and downs of daily living.  If it's right than just go for it, time is way too precious to cling to emails and the occasional visit!  Don't wait for your life to happen.

 

(Disclaimer, wayyyyy easier said than done!)

 

[maddalena]

what a drag that he didn't pick the phone up. My BF turns off his cell at night sometimes, but he has a landline too.

i want to know why. please let us know.

 

hugs

[BrokenHeart2]

Ouch, I just reread the part about picking up the phone. You may be about to upend your and your daughters world, tread carefully TS. This is major! LDR suck if you ask me. I've been in one way before I met DH. Take your time and tread lightly. It seems to me you are trying to work through this very carefully and that is wonderful. Trust your gut TS. Hugs

[Shawn823]

TS:

Your situation is certainly not the same as mine ,but one line from your original post really resonated with me: "...most frightening to me is how desperately I want out of my ("perfect" "secure" "tenured" "pensioned") job that I am "so lucky to have" (as people love to tell me) that is simply sucking the life out of me." I too am in academia, though in a different field ( medicine) I have taught at the same school for 26 years, and have held a variety of positions focused on med Ed curricula at different levels. About a year ago, I realized that I had grown very unhappy in my position--I was no longer tolerant of BS university policies and politics, and even more so, the nit-picky little administrative details that come with running a major core course. I no longer had the desire to expend my emotional energy dealing with things that seemed so trivial relative to what I had lost. But I was paralyzed by not knowing who I would be professionally if I didn't continue on doing what I had been doing. I grew more and more unhappy until finally I consulted with a career coach, who was also a friend--her coaching practice was actually an outgrowth of her own serial job dissatisfaction. During my first meeting with her, she asked me what I was looking for--and the first answer that popped out was "peace"--to be at peace with myself. I don't think that I was referring to peace with the loss of my husbamd as much as I meant being at peace with the direction of my life and I knew that my growong negative feelings toward aspects of my job that were no longer tolerable needed to be dealt with. So we worked on that together, she used a variety of tools with me to help me come to terms with leaving my academic position and I can say that I am at peace now with that decision, largely because of the work she had me do. I am officially retiring from my position July 1. I will continue on in part-time clinical work since I am enjoying that aspect of my career more than ever before. I don't know whether or not a career coach would be something that might work for you, TS, but I wanted to offer the idea as something that did help me. Getting the right coach of course, is critical. Your situation is more complex than mine since you describe at least three areas of change that you are dealing with--your house, your career and your new relationship. The career may be the least pressing of these. But if you would like to know any more details about my experience with career coaching, please  feel free to PM me. I so very much do understand that desperation of wanting out of your job, and how unexpected that feeling can be after investing so many years and hard work getting your position.

Best wishes to you. Your keen ability to size up a situation and sort out your priorities will surely serve you well. I have no doubt that you will sort it all out, one step at a time.

Shawn

[Guest TooSoon]

First, thank you.  I am humbled by all of your efforts to help me sort this out.  It is so complex.  When I was 30, I had nothing to protect but my heart.  Now I have a child and a career.  Oh and a heart.

 

He wrote to me this morning saying he didn't hear the phone and he had to be out early and would write to me tonight.  His time, his terms.  He also royally efffed up and chose to go to a conference instead of coming to see me while I will be working in Rome later this summer; it was to be something of an anniversary but his colleagues beat me out.  Im certain he has no clue how horrible this all is for me and for our relationship; he is genuinely that clueless.  But this is why I hesitate about England.  I thought that if I laid everything out for him, he would be more responsive but that's not what is happening.  Old dog, new tricks, I guess. 

 

But I really appreciate the career encouragement.  I'm not sure how much anyone understands how trapped one can be in a position like teaching for the state.  I love my students.  I really, really do.  But the rest of it?  Being a cog in the wheel of the whims of "The System" is just about enough to render me brain dead.  But your words give me hope.  Thank you!

 

Thank you, thank you!

[maddalena]

you're going to be in Rome and he's not coming? That's a red flag. Sorry, i am the ultimate romantic, but THAT bothers me.

I'm glad you spoke to him. he needs to get honest fast.

 

[Guest TooSoon]

Andy is a stellar human being.  I love him with all my heart.  I'm just irritated with the status quo.  And I'm sorting a lot out right now.  This was never intended to be a referendum of any kind.  Ack!