It is time.

[MissinGrizz]

I'd need to be more of a priority than that to pack up everything and move.

 

Could you, after selling your home, put stuff in storage and do a one-year stint in England and take a sabbatical? I'm not sure of your subject area, but there are lots of opportunities out there, and a one-year experience for your daughter might be wonderful. Then, if it doesn't work out, you have the experience but also the job still waiting back home. You could rent a place until you decided on something more permanent.

 

You are very brave for considering going over there for a relationship that exists mainly on emails (which is what it sounds like), even if he is awesome (which he must be if TFO says so :-) .  Since you are that brave, then know that you will find friends wherever you go. You don't need him to have a group for you. Just join a playgroup with your daughter or a book club or something. I bet you'd have friends in no time.

 

Best wishes to you!!!!!

[maddalena]

Toosoon, sorry i did not mean to offend.

 

[Guest TooSoon]

No offense taken at all or ever.  I'm just being more open and openly vulnerable than I normally would be as I try to find my place in this universe.  I will be forever open to and grateful for any input and insight you lovely people choose to share.  I'm not quite sure where I'd be had I not found this network.  xx

[Mizpah]

I'm a little concerned that I exist in a little bubble he's made.  He likes the idea of me but with limits and distance, like I said a nice accessory.

 

As someone who's cohabiting (cohabitating??) and raising a baby together with a man I was long distance with first, I'll say that there is DEFINITELY an element of fantasy involved in long distance, and that day-to-day reality of life and of who the two people are can be a surprise and a rude awakening.  Even if you are being your true authentic self during the distance, you spend almost only "fun time" together, not the dull or stressful times, and you are usually excited to see each other and doing fun stuff.  Regular life sharing can be totally different. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Exactly. 

[Guest fleur]

I am really sorry and now I know that I don't belong here. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Wow.  Thanks, Fleur.  I'm just one little person in a big, big world and I'm just trying to figure out my own shit.  I appreciate the input but it is not helpful for me when you tell me everything that you perceive to be wrong.  You don't know me.  Still, you can make it hyperbolic if you want to but there is no need.  I know there's no sun in Scandinavia for 6 months.  I also know that it is the sort of culture that matches my values.  Not sure why you felt the need to take that on but there you have it.  I'm the one who is sorry.  I'm actually a very quiet little person just trying to find her way.  If you can say what you want to say, then why can't I?  That seems like a strange game.  Post away.  I know I will.

[SoVerySad]

TS, I can't give any advice on the LTR issue as I have no experience. I will share my experience in leaving a lucrative job that I had worked very hard over several years to achieve to become a SAHM. Everyone in my family and most of my friends thought I was nuts, especially after I had put in so much hard work to get to where I was. They didn't understand how much the job had changed and how much I had changed as well.

 

The job had become this burden that weighed so heavily on me. I recognize that a job is a job, so it isn't something you feel great about all the time. But it was slowly chipping away at me in so many ways. I couldn't support the growing focus on profits over care. It was a constant battle to try to have the staffing levels I knew were a bare minimum to provide some semblance of quality care. I was on call 24/7 and just had grown to truly dread dealing with it all. I had developed asthma from the stress - on 2 inhalers per day which I've not used since the day I resigned the position.

 

I had changed as well. We had just adopted our second child after a decade of dealing with the heartache of infertility. T had been bringing C in to visit me at my office, eating dinner there, before he took him home and put him to bed. I was always working late and on weekends. I wanted to spend time with the kids -to really enjoy them. The job had lost its priority for me.

 

So, I resigned. It was a huge adjustment for us financially as I made 2/3 of our income at that time (although T had much better benefits). I had to adjust to living on a much lower income, which was a challenge. We did it, however, and T and I both were happy with the situation. I believe the kids really benefitted from having me be happy and relaxed. I am pretty sure it would have been hard not to allow my frustration and disappointment with the job to bleed over into the rest of my life. It was too time consuming of a position.

 

Fast forward to now when I no longer have T here. Boy, there have been days that I wish I still had that job. Financially I would be in a much better position, which would take a big burden off me. My family couldn't wait to make this point to me, which I would be better able to ignore if my situation wouldn't be the result of T dying, you know. But, whatever, they got to stick the knife in a little and I learned more about their real character.

 

Even though I have those moments of regret, overall it is pointless. I'm looking at an ending without being able to see the middle. I know that I couldn't have continued for much longer in that position. Our lives would have been totally different had I continued to be so miserable. We would have missed the years of happiness we had. I didn't know at the time that C would be diagnosed with high functioning autism and learning issues that would take a lot of investment to see he reaches his best potential, which I feel has paid off very well. So I'm not allowing myself a lot of regrets. I just have to find a way to meet my new challenges, just as I did all those years ago when I took the leap and resigned.

 

You are wise and brave. You will make the right decisions knowing what you want and need at this stage in your life. You're the one living your life, so while others can offer advice or their opinion, you do what you feel is right. I know you will give it all careful consideration. If at some point the changes you make now don't work out, then you'll re-evaluate and head in a direction that will work better for you at that time.

 

Sending you love and tight hugs...

 

 

[IfIonlycould]

I can't comment on LDR because never been there done that. 

 

I can however comment on the whole house thing...common thread with us wids...seems like alot of us want to move on from the house at some point and create our own sanctuary...DH and I had just bought a fixer with a 3-4 year plan...and then he died.  And I had the fixer with no plan but to get out asap.  So I threw it together and put it on the market about 9 months later (in a really bad market)...ended up walking away with about 200.00 profit...worst flip I had EVER done but again my "plan" had been derailed.  But wait "I" didn't have a plan "we" did.  All I knew was I needed to get out of that house and figure out what next?  At least I didn't lose money I kept telling myself.  My point here is we do what we have to so we can get on with where we are headed even if we don't always know where we are going.  I have since moved 4 times buying, fixing, selling....So I eventually found a plan again. Your house should be your sanctuary, we have been tossed around too much, we need a firm place to regroup and recharge...sitting on your front porch not because you like too but because you can't stand the thought of going back into that house is telling you everything you need to hear.  Listen to yourself.  I cannot begin to even tell you where to land...here, there or somewhere in between but I think you know it is time to make a housing change.

As far as the job...seems to be another common theme among us wids, no matter what the profession but mostly it seems to happen when we are working for others and have to put up with the politics.  Many if not most of us seem to have developed an intolerance for bullshit and the ability to spot it quicker than before.  I am in the process of creating my own work life now by taking the leap to self employment (had a business before so not new to me).  Again it is another leap away from the steady, benefit laden job that I too had people telling me not to leave even though they knew how miserable I was.

Rambling rambles but just wanted to chime in another view since you asked. 

[anniegirl]

I hear you. And felt the same way.

 

I didn't stop to think much beyond the most practical of details when I left the States for Canada and remarriage. Looking back, a long term plan might have been useful.

 

Why not just dream? Imagine what your perfect scenario would look like and then figure out what steps would get you there? What might you need? What isn't practical or affordable?

 

Maybe ask your guy to do the same and compare notes?

 

It's such a frustrating place to be in though, I know. To have a great job and not be content. To have the house and wish it was planted on some other part of the world. For life just to generally feel like a cage that you built for yourself.

 

There are (usually) options.

[Suki1]

 

3) Britain is great but it is cold, rainy and Andy doesn't have a huge social network into which I could tap.  He also goes off on visiting professor things and conferences for weeks at a time.  What would I do?  Could I ever learn to drive on the wrong side of the road (not really an issue obviously, maybe I mean it metaphorically)?  I'm not confident at all about living in England, though I could do lots of other places both here and abroad, like Scandinavia which is sort of on the table.

4) Maybe I should hire a head hunter to see what might be available.  One might think a PhD in art history has but one application but I'm not so sure about that.  With 14 years of full-time experience in higher ed, there may be a way to parlay that into something else.  Something flexible or even remote.  I simply don't know because I hadn't ever really considered it.  For now, changing jobs is not realistic at least for a year.

 

.

 

Hi TooSoon,

I'm a little late reading this but here's to "better late than never"!! No one goes to Britain for the climate, as far as I can tell, and I've spent a fair amount of time there over the years (doing research, visiting friends, etc.). But the sun does come out occasionally, depending on where you live (mostly in the southeast!). And driving on the left-hand side of the road might be strange in the beginning, but it's surprising how quickly one can get used to it. I live in a left-hand drive place at the moment, and every time I cross the border and see cars driving on the right, I wonder why on earth they're not on the other side of the road!

 

For meeting people and making new friends, you could take adult ed courses, or joining local community groups ? a friend of mine is active in a nature-/bird-/bat-watching group, and another is much into a group of local astronomy buffs.

 

As for the art history, my background is in art history, too, and though I taught for a while, I've also used it working in museums and being a speaker for cultural tours. You might find other ways the art history comes in handy ? ways that don't appear until you're actually in the UK.

 

Anyway, I hope this provides a few ideas.

[Guest Mel4072]

TooSoon,

You have been a great support for me while I have tried to figure things out. You will figure it out, I'm sure. The heart is a tough one. I know. Once we let somebody in, everything changes. Now you have you, kid and a man to think about. It's another change. Since becoming a widow, I've discovered that life is like a dance, it's not all forward motion. The first time in love is so innocent but we are not innocent anymore. We realize that the undesirable occurs in life. I have learned from wid friends that have remarried that once you get a new partner, you have to learn new dance moves. It's a new dance. Just like learning a new dance, we are often unsure of the steps and we stumble. It's ok.

As for the house thing, I get it. I'm the same, except I sit on the back porch. I'm slowly trying to make it "mine". One thing I want is security. My home will be paid off in 13 years. The sellers market is good right now but will be even better in 13 years. It's a very lovely, lonely house.

I am back in school. Hopeful. It sucks because I have a MEd and that should be enough.

I'm working on accepting and appreciating what I have. It's tough.

I'm wishing you the best. You are a very kind, sweet, supportive person who deserves the very best!!!

Sending my love!

[Captains wife]

Although I can tell from your post that you have some things to work out related to your long distance relationship, I thought the 1 year sabbatical sounded like a good idea. See how you like it, see how things are when the three of you are in the same place. I also wanted to contribute some optimistic comments about living in England. I am American but lived in London for 10 years. And before my husband died we actually looked into moving to England and having our child there - but alas the job I got was in MA. England is such a lovely place to live and here's why - it is a beautiful country, I didn't mind the weather (often the winters there were milder than the NE), there is a huge expat community and therefore a lot of opportunities to meet people, great schools, I love the English culture, it's so easy to hop on a plane or boat and go to anywhere in Europe for the weekend (what a great experience for your child!). Sometimes it's good to try new experiences and shake things up a bit : )

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi all.  I just wanted to say thank you, again.  A few weeks have gone by, Andy was just here and I have not one doubt this is exactly what I want to be doing and we're working on it.  There are three children, two continents, two careers and a whole lot of love involved.  I realize now that it is not complicated emotionally at all; it is only complicated logistically and it will take time to figure out what will work long term for all of us.  I'm still going to get this monster of a house ready to sell if only for my own peace of mind and now fully understand that I must quiet the toddler in me who wants to stomp her feet and rant until she gets what she wants.  It is not easy! 

 

More importantly, even though I'm not much posting right now, I appreciate everyone's input.  It helps more than you know to have voices (other than the dangerous one in my head) guiding me, giving me other perspectives.  I have no idea where we will land or when but when I went through this horrible rough patch of fear and insecurity, you guys were here and that means the world.  One way or another, we are all going to find our way, of that I have no doubt.  Thank you!  oxox