The Face of Love

[widowat33]

Recently I watched this movie on Netflix.

If you haven't seen it, it's about a widow who sees a man who looks exactly like her husband and pursues a relationship with him. I won't say anymore about the movie in case you plan on watching it.

 

The reason I bring it up is because I have been checking out online dating, haven't made a profile yet, but just checking out some different sites. On one site I was looking at pictures and profiles when to my shock I found one who looked so much like my dh I couldn't breathe. I went onto his profile and everything matched my dh: height, hobbies, etc.. My dh was a heavy equipment mechanic and a welder, this guy was a welder. Even his posture was the same, style of clothing, everything..

Although I don't think he would've done it, my first thought was that maybe my dh made a profile on a dating site before he passed away, then it noticed that this guy had been online less than a month ago..

 

My first instinct was to email him, I'm glad I didn't.

So my question is to those who have had relationships after the loss of your spouse do you find that you are attracted more to those similar to them, or do you tend to look for someone different? I realize everyone's opinion on this is going to be different, I just find that when I was looking at profiles I was more likely to click on guys who were similar to him, bypassing the white collared guys or ones who looked too "perfect". As much as I used to complain that my dh got so involved in what he was working on he didn't care how dirty he got, or didn't care about appearances(he washed his jeans with a new red sweater and wore pink jeans everywhere,lol)  I'm shocked to learn that is exactly what I find attractive!

[Guest look2thesky]

I too saw someone (when I did the dating site thing), who was a spitting image, of my Wife.

#1 rule don't tell them.

#2 don't think their anything like your passed spouse.

[gracelet]

I've seen that film.  It's CREEPY!

 

The girls I've been with since Elle have been polar opposites to her - tall, long hair, very slim, extra femme. Elle was my height, had short hair, was average build and was pretty funky in what she wore.  She'd never normally have been my 'type' but I completely fell head over heels for her - for her mind, for her humour, and then for her body.

 

However, I'm realising that one of the most attractive qualities I seek, and one that I will not compromise on, is ambition.  I'm not saying my future spouse needs to be gunning for CEO, but she does need to feel passionate, to care, to decisively want to make a difference.  Elle had these qualities too.

[Guest TooSoon]

My late husband looked uncannily like Bono.  It is really freaky when I see Bono's picture now; it always takes a second or two to remember it is not Scott.  Weird.

 

This is a little off topic and admittedly, I've dated only one person since Scott died and he and Scott could not be more different in many ways but I do remember consciously noting at one point that people who adored Scott and who are notoriously protective of M and me approved of Andy straight away.  This meant a great deal to me. 

[Virgo]

First I want to say that I have not dated since Phil died. Personally I don't think I would seek out someone that looked exactly like him intentionally. I have noticed that I'm attracted to men with similiar physical traits and mannerisms though. Perfectly normal I'm sure.

 

Funny, when I first met Phil I wasn't physically attracted to him. His eyes and the way he looked at me was so intriguing. The more I got to know and love him the sexier he was to me. He was definitely sexier at 39 then he was at 17.

[Guest tableforone]

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[lcoxwell]

My Kenneth and my New Guy are pretty much polar opposites, in looks and personality, with the exception that they are both around the same height. At first, I thought I wanted someone more like my Kenneth, and I almost walked away from a really good relationship, just because he didn't have Kenneth's brown eyes. Thankfully, I realized how silly that was, and gave New Guy a real chance. Looking back, I am glad he looks so different from my Kenneth, leaving me to appreciate New Guy as a unique individual and not as a replacement for my deceased husband.

[Melbar]

Even though it was completely unintentional (my bf and I met through our kids' sports and I was not looking for anyone), he is the exact same height, very similar build, with black hair and dark complexion like my late husband.

 

But their personalities and the way they think are so very different, so despite the physical similiarities, I never feel like I am looking at my DH when I look at him! 

[imissdow]

At first I thought I would like someone like my DH.  However None of the guys I have dated looked or acted like him.  I do then to choose blue collar or guys in the trades but I think that has more to do with the type of people I'm comfortable hanging out with then anything else. 

My oldest DD asked me at one point what movie star my date looked like.  I said honey I date middle aged guys, they generally don't look like movie stars. She insisted that there must be a movie star that looked like him.  I said ok a taller Danny Devito. She had to googled it and was then appalled. Bald and overweight, yup that describes most of my dates.  My DH was my height and in really great shape with bright blue eyes.   

[widowat33]

Well, I spent the whole morning obsessing over it,lol.

I just kept going back and checking the profile, googling his user name and found another site he was on, same picture.I'm over it now, I think!

The thing is even though he looks like him I know it's not him and he wouldn't be the same.

Dh wasn't my type either at first. It took four years of being friends before I would go out with him, and he was patient. He definitely became more attractive to me the better I got to know him.

I think it would be a little hard to explain to someone why they resemble your deceased spouse and probably cause a lot of uncertainty for them. But I do see why you would tend to be more attracted to someone like them.

Sigh. I'm not ready for this. I think I will stay off of the dating sites for awhile!

 

[Sugarbell]

I have a physical type-Super tall, dark hair...lean. Ironically DH looks like my Dad when he was young and had similar characteristics to my brother (oh gawd Freud would have a hayday.

 

And I have yet to date anyone with those physical characteristics.

 

However... New guy...physically isn't my normal type..inch talker than me, lighter hair. Very muscular. BUT...mentally he thinks like DH. He's witty and sarcastic. He's smart. He's a fiscal conservative and social liberal. He's open to new ideas and is interesting to talk to. He's ambitious. The older I get those are the things that I gravitate to in the long hair-not so much physical like in my 20s.

 

So yeah...I think we all have a "look" or qualities of waft we fall in love with.

[MissinGrizz]

My LH and CH don't look alike at all, except both have blue eyes, although I didn't notice CH's eyes until like date three as I was too nervous to look. LOL.  I actually stood on tip-toes to his CH for the first few months we dated until he pointed out I didn't need to. Poor guy likely knew why I was (DH was six inches taller than he is).

 

There are some similarities in their personalities that I didn't notice at first. Both are outgoing with a goofy sense of humor, both honor the military and love the same movies (they have the same favorite movies and Christmas carol and a few other things that creeped me out). But . . .

 

DH had a light about him that made people gravitate to him, was a wonderful mix of an athlete and a nerd, loving books and fantasy and a child-like beauty.

 

CH doesn't let himself get all childlike and just have a good time and play. I miss that so so much.  But, on the flip side, I can count on him in ways I couldn't count on DH. He's an adult and is responsible in ways DH never was.

 

I sure wish I could merge the best parts of both of my loves, but I feel blessed to have been loved by two very worthy men that are very different with a smattering of surprising similarities.

 

[Guest IronBear]

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[widowat33]

I've seen that film.  It's CREEPY!

 

 

I have not seen the movie but creepy and sad and the first two words that popped into my head.

 

Yep, it's a little bit of both

[Guest nonesuch]

I'm going to say looks don't mean much to me.  If you asked me to name a movie star I might have a crush on, it would by Scott Bakula or John O' Hurley, not George Clooney.

 

I'm not much attracted to someone before I like him a lot, but at that point, a man others might call barely average can look quite attractive to me.  i'd be a little creeped out by someone who looked a lot like LH, and might expect him to have his other qualities as well, which wouldn't be fair to him.

 

 

[DansSoulmate]

So, I definitely have a type and have intentionally reached out to those that match it.  In my opinion, sending an email/flirt/quick note is harmless out there in cyberspace, so I say if your interests match, go for it and if he looks like your DH, bonus! Who knows, you might really hit it off or if he doesn't respond, no loss.  I'm of the opinion that anything that happens on the site should never be taken personally, brush it off and move on.  I say cast the net wide and see what happens.  Good luck and go for it! 

[RobFTC]

I missed this thread earlier - interesting responses.

 

I had a "Daily Match" on match.com once who took my breath away - she looked so much like Michelle it was *nuts*.  All of her pics looked like they could have been from my wife, except that Match girl was a couple of inches taller and you could tell that in one photo that showed her (nice!) legs.  The resemblance was enough that her bestie who visited us and both daughters thought she looked like Michelle.

 

I was torn about what to do, as a part of me wanted to know what she was like.  And if she had not been an hour away, I might have tried to meet her.  But I eventually got over that, because I realized I would probably stare like an idiot for the first while, and not really see her as her own person quickly enough.  But I sure thought about it and bookmarked the profile for some time.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[SamNE]

I find that I am initially most attracted to men who physically somewhat resemble my DH. But I don't think it is because I am looking for similar, just that I find guys with his coloring and body type most attractive. Recently in a tender moment with the man I am dating now, up close in dim light, he looked eerily like DH, and I almost started to cry. He dresses like my DH did too.

 

I still look for my DH in crowds sometimes. I saw a man a distance away in an airport a year ago who looked so much like him, I had to get closer to see him. Similar. I sat where I could see him better, trying to be very discreet because I didn't want him to notice.

 

I don't think I could watch that movie.

 

Sam

[luvmy2babies]

I haven?t dated; but the guy who delivers the coffee supplies to the office where I work could be dh?s twin or at least younger brother.  I can never seem to miss him despite heading to the break room at various time.  I hope he doesn?t notice how I immediately look away I enter the room.  Talk to a co-worker about it and after a few seconds she was like ?Oh wow, you?re right?that?s nuts.?  I mean height, complexion, facial features, voice, the way he wears his uniform, the way he shaves, the angle he wears his hat...it's crazy.  First few times I saw him my breath left me for a few seconds.