I think I'm a dud.

[Carey]

I (surprisingly, to me) do generate responses on the dating sites.  But I get SO sick of being called baby, "my baby", sweetheart, honey, sexy...blah blah blah.  Dude you don't KNOW me! How can they start with pet names before they know my last name? And there's one, that I really actually think I could like.  He's a civil war reenactor (something my geeky self is into), loves history, was in the military for over 20 years (if the govt trusted him...can I?) likes 80s music, even likes beach music and knows how to shag. when I read his profile he just seemed so dang perfect.  He's a truck driver, or is learning to be I think (see, tells you how much I DONT know about him) and gets up early.  He's transitioning from the army to this and he doesn't have a cell phone but is planning to get one on Friday.  So I guess he has a tablet or laptop or something, and we've solely been communicating through the site email.  My problem is, I live in the boonies of the boonies.  And every evening we go to John and Tammy's house about a mile and a half down the road for dinner and laundry, etc.  I usually get home around 10.  While I'm there I have NO internet on my phone because John's  house makes mine look city. So he has started seeming , to me, to be a little demanding about my being home at a certain time to talk to him, which would be all well and good if there was conversation.  Meeting online just really really sucks. I'm not a take the lead kind of woman, and I don't want to just sit there and ask questions like I'm interviewing him.  I just also feel like weeks/months of texting are a waste because you really will never know if you click with someone till you've met them. Or am I just too old school for now? I run out of things to say, he thinks I'm ignoring him ... I just can't come up with sparkling conversation on the fly to someone I have yet to meet.  I'm not willing to walk away from my support system, my friends that I KNOW are there for me for this dude just yet, but he gets agitated if I stay there too long. 

 

I know if I have trouble communicating myself effectively this way, there's a good possibility he does too, so I am trying not to make snap judgements.  But it seems like he won't nail down a day and time when he can say, lets meet in person THIS DAY.  I understand transitioning careers isn't easy ... I wonder if Im being too picky.  I just dont' know how to BE doing this.  I quickly run out of things to say and conversations fizzle out and then I never hear from them again.  Or some just want to say hey babe 40 times a day and that's about it.  There's one other that I thought I had interest in, but he's in the army, AND hes a paramedic AND he's a volunteer fireman so like I keep saying, are you sure you even have time for  a relationship.  All I ever hear is how hot and tired he is and how long his days are.  I tell him I give up, he says please don't.  I say how would you ever have time, he says I'll Make time, then doesn't.  Last night I get told, "training for deployment"...oh so you're leaving? Don't know.  I'm so sick of VAGUE.  Then he turns around and says he only wants to talk to me and he's taken himself off the site (true as far as I can tell) and I'm the only one he is interested in, but again, I get baby honey sugar doll and that's about it.  Why do they bother being on these sites if they don't want to actually MEET someone? Or is it me?

 

I really just don't know how to do this and I'm furious with Chad that I'm even in a position that I would need to

[Virgo]

No you are not being to picky. It sounds to me like you are not listening to that little voice in your head telling you that this is not the guy for you. This is not a good situation. If it were me, I would stop communicating with him.

 

I mentioned in the other thread getting involved in activities that you enjoy. Maybe even spending less time with your friends. Yes they are supportive, but being overly involved in their lives could be holding you back from moving forward with your life.

[Mizpah]

So he has started seeming , to me, to be a little demanding about my being home at a certain time to talk to him

 

he gets agitated if I stay there too long.

 

This seems incredibly odd to me.  Huh?  This would be a red flag and a turnoff for me. 

 

My answer: no, you're not a dud.  This says absolutely nothing about YOU at all. 

 

If it were me, and if I had an interest in him, I'd suggest a few dates that work for you and see if any of them work for him, tell him you'd prefer to meet since you've been communicating for a bit.  I'd stop the chitchat and meet him if he's game, and move on if he's not - tell him to get in touch when/if he's ready to meet in person. 

[imissdow]

Ok having tried internet dating for about a year I'm seeing a scammer.  They don't have cell phones demand a ton of e-mails and usually late at night or early in the morning.  They never want to meet and come up with all kinds of reasons why.  Look at the time date stamp on his e-mails does it match the time zone your in or is it off by a few hours?  Are his writing skills good or is his  use of English slightly odd?  The fact that he is training for deployment also bothers me, why would a guy who is getting ready to leave the country for a extended period of time start looking for a girlfriend?  I would think hers preping you. 

I could be wrong and he could be a great guy but this is what I see from my time online.

[Guest mawidow]

This seems to fall into the category of men who want the "high" that comes from having someone text them and pay attention to them (the pleasure center of the brain does light up when the phone "pings" that a new text has arrived) without putting out the effort or vulnerability that it takes to actually be a boyfriend. That seems like a raw deal, unless you are enjoying it yourself. You sound great! Not a dud! Sending support.

 

 

[MikeR]

I agree that there are a lot of red flags here. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he says he's leaving and is in need of a few bucks before he goes.

 

If he's near you, tell him you want to meet him (in  very public place and let friends know what you're doing). If he keeps saying no, get rid of him.

 

Mike

 

[Jen]

 

I really just don't know how to do this and I'm furious with Chad that I'm even in a position that I would need to

 

I'm too scared to even look at a dating site (although I've almost reached the point where I'm considering propositioning my favorite barista at Starbucks-- he always gets my coffee order right without my even having to open my mouth, that's a good sign, right?), but I think it's a moot point-- I'm pretty sure I'm a dud too.  :-\ I thought I was past worrying about all this shit-- and I never knew how to do it to begin with. I'm *livid* with Jim for leaving me in this position. I hate this. HATE it. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but the alternative is just as terrifying to contemplate.

[RobFTC]

Messaging forever is for chumps.  The point is to sit down together in front of a cup of coffee or something and *talk*.  I don't think it's forward to say, "I don't message endlessly, we should meet, what do you want to do about that?"

 

The other thing is - some scammers try to build a virtual relationship so they can 1) invent a sudden trip somewhere and 2) "lose their wallet" or some similar disaster to get you to feel sympathy and fork money over.  (Being a trucker-to-be and all that transition stuff is good cover for that, and the soldier boy actually sounds worse.)  Actually meeting is a big issue for scammers, cramps their style all to hell.  Any of these guys could also be married and looking for a pen-pal with no intention of meeting, too.

 

If a guy is real and wants to meet, he should, and you can limit how much of your time he can waste before then.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Guest nonesuch]

You're not a dud.  He may be.

 

He might be a scammer.  Really poor language skills usually tip that off...Never thought about the time stamp.

 

He might just not be in a position to have a relationship.  I met a couple of those.  One came right out and said he was a conservative, old fashioned guy who thought he should pay to court a woman and said he didn't have the income to do that at that time.  One told me he wasn't emotionally available.  One talked a good show on the phone, but after meeting me, and oddly started blowing me off after asking me if I'd told my family I was seeing someone.  One set up three dates, cancelled the first two at the last minute, then nc/ns on the third.  He had emailed me five days before the last one telling me how much he was looking forward to meet me. When I got home from the nc/ns  the email in my inbox read that it wasn't his fault that he hadn't shown up because he'd rekindled an old relationship.  He was "too trusting and too kind" not to give this woman another chance.

 

Shit, this is depressing. I've been rejected a lot.  Anyway...

 

The one who called and met me and started blowing me off?  Dave and I actually went out several times in the spring. He called a couple times a week.  He was nice,  he was sexy.  He seemed really enthusiastic at first, but started showing up late or not not showing up at all.  I kept suggesting it wasn't working as we did live an hour and a half apart.  He kept saying it could.  Finally, I stopped calling him.  I stopped emailing him.  I stopped telling him it wasn't working, I just stopped communicating.  I felt a little bad about doing it that way, but every time I tried to break up with him, he talked me out of it. 

 

There were three or four weekends we could have met halfway, when I drove in his direction to visit relatives. By then I had given up and was seeing other people. In September, (it was during Yom Kippur, he is Jewish) I sent him a short email, letting him know how much I'd enjoyed our time together, wished it had played out differently, asked forgiveness for just dropping out of sight.  I heard nothing for weeks, but when an unusual earthquake hit, he did text to ask if all was well.  When Mr No call/No show battered my self esteem a couple months later, Dave actually was kind enough to listen to my tale of woe and offer some support. He did again when my Mother passed away a couple months after that.  I never was able to figure out what happened between the two of us, and he never volunteered. 

 

I agree with Rob, endless messaging is for chumps. What I learned from no call/no show was Make a date, and if he misses or cancels, do not offer to re-schedule.  You might make an exception if HE offers to reschedule.  Current Beau cancelled his first meeting with me. I figured I'd been rejected again.It turned out he really did have a cold he didn't want to give me before I went on vacation.

[Guest nonesuch]

There was also a man that answered on of my ads I liked enough to give my phone number to. I soon realized it wasn't going to work out for a number of reasons.  He seemed to not be able to meet.  I would guess he was unemployed, don't know, he said he had a job. I kept first dates pretty low key: coffee at Tim Horton's, a beer someplace, an ice cream cone. Someone who didn't have money for that has bigger problems than finding someone to date. 

 

Ed kept calling.  He lost my number and asked me to re-send it and I didn't.  He found it and continued to call. I stopped answering the phone.  (For those of you wondering, I guess I DO have passive/aggressive tendencies.  Working on it, thank you.)  I finally blocked his number on my home phone. Ed wised up and called from another number. This happened two more times.  I finally dialed back and left a message that if he called again, I'd contact the police.  To give you a timeline, our first contact was probably in the middle of summer, and last phone call was February of the following year.

 

He was someone who didn't have the money for a cup of coffee, and was pretty desperate for someone to talk to.  There's a lot of sad, lonely people out there.  Some of them will waste your time.  You don't need to be angry, and you don't need to console them, but feel free to move on.  Really, the sooner the better.  Ed kind of gave me a scare, because he didn't take hints, obviously, and I wondered since he had my land line number what he might do and in retrospect how much I had told him. 

 

[Sugarbell]

Eww "honey baby sugar" shit before ever meeting in person?

 

Next....

 

Online dating (I lasted 3 weeks) is exhausting, demanding and to me was overwhelming.

 

I don't know if you live in an urban area--but if I did (and I don't) I think I would like the speed dating. 15 minutes face to face then next one. Most people joke within first 15 minutes of meeting face to face whether there is even potential for a second date.

 

Don't waste your time letting them chat/text you up. If you live close meet for coffee or Sonething. You can't really tell until you meet in person in my opinion. The constant chat is what always burned me out early.

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

The constant chat is what always burned me out early.

 

In my never-to-be-humble opinion, the ones who insist of endless chat are never going to meet. They are married.  Maybe they're in a relationship, but unhappy and looking to see what's out there. That's a problem.  It doesn't have to become your problem.

 

Current Beau's daughter required a week or two of communication with a prospect before she'd bother to get dressed up and meet him.  If he wasn't willing to put in the time, too bad. She didn't string them along endlessly, though. 

[Gabzmom]

No.  You are not a dud.  You are learning to navigate the new dating age (electronic/online media).  It's interesting to say the least.  I recommend considering "meet-ups" - there is a website/app for meet-ups in local areas for virtually any interest that is out there.  I think my desire was to find people with common interests.  If a friendship develops great.  I decided online dating had hit its expiration date.  I have way too much on my plate: a child; board meetings; and my business.  And sometimes, all I really want is a darn PLUS ONE for events I have to go to. 

 

Cut yourself some slack and do what feels right.  Totally agree with Rob - if the person doesn't want to meet face to face then, maybe move on?

 

Sending a cyber hug and good thoughts your way.

[Guest IronBear]

.

[BrokenHeart2]

Awe Bear you are too funny!  Love the humor!

Carey, I'm not dating but I won't put up with mind games or bullshit, you shouldn't either. Just sayin

[Joseph]

Wow.. I am sorry to hear again of vile online dating guys.  A friend last year showed me a pile of messages men send her on PoF and they were just ridiculous, lots of that 'baby' talk from the outset (mentioned above which reminded me).  Those guys you want to block immediately.  Not meeting in person for a while because neither party mentions it out of nervousness is one thing, but if you ask and they find reasons not to meet I must agree with the rest.  Really, why are they even on the site then?  I think the scammers are probably a minority though and what you get are a fair amount of men fishing to see if they can 'trade up', ones wanting the ego boost, ones just looking to cheat on their wives.  This is frustrating for men too because those losers make it harder for genuine people.  If the guy is actively trying to date and meet people they will want to see you after a few conversations, and really, you deserve to have a guy asking "when can I meet you?".

 

Carey, be harder on them, not yourself, they are the real duds after all.

[Michael797]

I'm going to have to second that emotion. I sort of have a non-mainstream approach to widowhood being a hetero guy and all, which means I don't have to go through the same crap that our female wids have to. By the same token, I'm fiercely protective of the vulnerable (and was that way even before I got introduced to the wide world of wids). Weird conditions being placed on contact traditionally suggests unavailability, and there's no shortage of deception on the web. And the last thing I could ever condone is seeing any of my board-mates go through something just as bad or worse than what they've already been through.

 

You've proven yourself to be a very sweet, very caring person. It's one thing to try to catch lightning in a bottle again (I fell for it at least once), but I've learned that it can put you back even further than you are. If it's not flag-free, it's not worth it anymore. Wouldn't you agree?

[Carey]

Joseph and Michael ... wow, thank you both so much.  Ive been at such a loss, I really did have a real scam that had I not had pretty good military knowledge I may have fallen for.  The guy claimed to be a fort bragg soldier deployed to Afghanistan.  I had a SF friend look into it and sure enough the guy was using pictures of a dead army soldier (the epitome of bottomfeeder if you ask me).  I have a pretty good nose for the fakes.  It just feels futile.  I know I'm not pretty as I was when I met Chad and I come with baggage so I'm probably not a good catch for the good guys and I don't want to settle for an ass so ........ IDK... like this one guy that was one of the first ones I met. He contacts me all the time calling me his baby, a couple weeks ago he said he wanted to go out, it was my daughters bday and I had plans,he accused me of never having time for him (hes a truck driver who pops up randomly , am I supposed to sit home?) so then he said then, okay, lets make a set plan for the 26th.  I purposely didn't contact him. I waited to see what he would do. Heard nothing all weekend,then today he texts that he guesses I'm not interested but wants me. Dude you don't know me, how do you know you want me? We went out to dinner once and I met him for dinner at a truck stop one other time like 9 months ago. tried to say he texted and I just didn't answer, which I know is not true.  Then got mad cause he said I was accusing him of lying. Chad would get such a kick out of this but I'm so out of my depth

[Michael797]

What could be worse than having someone try to scam you? Falling for it, my guess. Look, I don't think any of us here are feeling at the top of their games, and none of us deserve to be where we are (except the ones who found happiness again - my deepest congratulations). I'm going to go ahead and be grateful that your little nightmare was stopped in its tracks. All I can do is attempt to channel my rusty old Yoda powers and try to get at least a few stars to align and GIVE YOU A BREAK. Let me know if it works.

[Lmsmdm]

Carey....hold your head high!!! I fell for a few dickwads in the beginning f my search. Met plenty if good guys in the long run, just not a good match!! Believe your spidy senses! You have them if you just listen!!!

[Guest look2thesky]

He doesn't even know you and accuses you of being "selfish" ?

 

Self explanatory.