Alexswife Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Monday I started working at the place I was at when Alex died. Surprisingly, I've actually handled my nerves very well but my missing him has gotten so much worse. I park my car and look at the tree I used to stare at while talking to him and it's like for one second he's back but them reality hits. Tomorrow is Thursday. The last time I was heading to this place on a Thursday I ended up at a road block where I would find out that he was gone. I am extremely emotional about this. I'm terrified that something awful is going to happen in the morning just like it did that last Thursday. I feel like no matter what job I have, I will never be truly happy again. Alex was my happy place and now he's gone. Thank you all for the support you have given me during this transition. I am proud of myself for actually being able to do this. Alex would be proud too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Yes, AW, Alex would be proud of you. I really am as well. I hope tomorrow is over soon and you can get the first Thursday behind you. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and positive thoughts. Tight hugs.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singinmomo4 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Alex would absolutely be proud of you! You can do this! 5 1/2 year later, tears still fall when I have little memories of Rick. Don't let your tears, your emotions, let you get discouraged. It's all part of the love of Alex and you and completely normal. You've got this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Huge respect for you from here as well, alexswife. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I gotta echo the sentiments above. I think what you've done is incredibly resilient. I just said a prayer for you that you experience unexpected lil kindnesses from above to help bolster you through your day. Post us back tomorrow and fill is in on how it went! Pulling for you, Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Sending much support, AW. Your love for him is really inspiring to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I'm proud of you too, AW. Your strength and your love for your Alex have amazed me since my first day in this community - I think you've only gotten more amazing over the 2+ years I've been reading your posts. I hope today went as easily as possible for you and that each coming Thursday is easier than the last. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexswife Posted June 11, 2015 Author Share Posted June 11, 2015 Thank you all for the support. I made it through this difficult Thursday. My mom and sister came to each lunch with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I am beyond thankful for their support. Thanks again. Hugs to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingSquish Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Hugs Alexswife! I am constantly amazed at your resolve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 That was lovely of your Mom to make a point of lunch with you on this day. I was thinking about you around 11:30 am my time, and sent up a quick prayer for you. Thanks for the update! Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexswife Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 I woke up this morning in a panic. What have I done?! I don't want to go back to my new job tomorrow. I don't even feel like getting out of bed and going to Church today. I just want to lay here and cry all day. I miss Alex so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Oh ...there will be these days, when missing him and missing the old life are so acute it feels like it is consuming us from the inside out....you can do it....get up, get showered, go to Church....you will be able to do this. Try not to think too much when the grief monster comes calling....put yourself onto autopilot and keep moving forward through tomorrow. You can do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexswife Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 Thanks for the push, IfonlyIcould. I did get up and go to Church. I had a MAJOR meltdown during the service, in the very front of the Church where EVERYONE could see me but it was very therapeutic, I needed to let my feelings show. It had been a while since I let anyone see what I was really feeling. I feel a little bit better tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Sometimes those feelings must find a release valve. Meltdowns feel like a volcanic eruption of emotions, but they do possess a cleansing after - effect once they've quelled. And as for witnessing bystanders, let them watch! I think too many people walk around behind facades--some of which are transparent, while others are elaborate. I have always admired authenticity. But never more so than I do now, in widowhood. So you go ahead and let it all out, AW. Hugs and hand pats, Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 He would be proud of you! It's not good to hold the tears back all of the time. I cried in front of my bible group Wednesday. I just couldn't hold it in. Our topic was joy. The question was, "what stops you from feeling joy?" My answer was, "when I do experience joy I can't help but think about how my husband isn't there to experience it with me." Shaky lip, then tears. I couldn't hold it back even though I tried. I don't like crying in front of others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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