mo12 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I haven't told anyone in my real life about this but I need to put it somewhere and you guys will likely understand why this is throwing me for a loop... For the past couple months I've been looking around an online dating site, not posting a picture but with a profile and sending a message to a few different guys who seem interesting. One in particular, a single dad, seemed very nice and normal (?!) and we exchanged numbers. We texted and made tentative plans to meet in the next couple weeks. I sent him a message yesterday to see if he was up for a visit tomorrow and he can't, because he's in the hospital.... And no, it's not some crazy scheme to get out of meeting up (I used to work at that hospital and he just knew too much for it to be some made-up thing.) Turns out the same day we started chatting he started having chest pains... Eventually went to emerg and he was having a heart attack!! He's in his mid-thirties and by all appearances in good shape. Ughhh, what am I, the kiss of death?? I know this has nothing to do with me, but what the hell?? He says he still wants to meet once he's back on track but understands if I don't want to (he doesn't know my widow status...) Anyways, not looking for any advice, I'm dropping him like a hot potato even though he seems nice... But the first guy I "meet" after DH, seriously?!! Edited to add: I realized there are people out there who have been widowed more than once, I really hope that didn't sound offensive, if so I'm really sorry... There are no guarantees in life, hey? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Ok, that would be jarring to dip my toes back into the water and by pure twist of fate, my new dating prospect meet with his own brush with death. That would have unnerved me greatly. It's not you. You are not the kiss of death. If you were that means you'd have made out with all our dearly departed loved ones...in which case, you'd have some serious splainin' to do! But you didn't. I'm working towards accepting that these things just happen, ya know? So, once you've collected yourself, please be encouraged to get back out there, whether it's with this guy or with someone new. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 One of the first guys I dated was a year out from testicular cancer. He kept the information from me when we first started chatting online because I was widowed, and though his prognosis was very good (he's alive and well today as far as I know), it freaked me out. Of course the man who is now my husband had a heart attack shortly after our second wedding anniversary - scared the crap out of me, but six years later he is fine - but, you're right. No guarantees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I can understand why you are weirded out. Being widowed again is always a possibility though, no guarantees. My grandmother lost three men in her life. My grandfather, her second husband (after they divorced), and a boyfriend after him. I'm sure she felt like a black widow, but she remarried a third time and they've been together for 24 years. I know you didn't ask for advice, and I honestly don't know how I would react in this situation, but I think I might give the guy a first date. If it didn't turn out to be love connection maybe it would be a great friendship. Plus you would give him something to look forward to during his recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Im so sorry this happened to you. It is just too weird right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo12 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Thanks all. I really don't feel like this "happened to me" in any way... it happened to this guy, who seems nice, but I have no real relationship with. It's just weird. I guess it just confirms what I already knew- I'm not ready to open my heart again. I'm hopeful that I'll get there, but not yet. Even a first date seems risky at this point! Oh well. I hope he does well, for his and his kiddo's sake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 A couple little stories for you: (bear with me) 1) Years ago I use to run with a partner from work during our lunchtime. He was a great guy, handsome, great job, everyone loved him, and was one hell of an athlete. Ran multiple marathons a year. Always was told by his MD he was at the peak of health. Had the world on a string - he was the guy we all wanted to be. One day during our run, he suddenly was no longer beside me. I stopped and he was face down on the ground -I though he had fallen. Nope - cerebral thrombosis - he was dead before he hit the dirt. 2) I had a very detailed list of 'must haves' when I started to date again. She had to be a tall, athletic, active woman. Long story short, I ended up marrying a woman that fulfilled almost none of my 'oh so important' criteria. She's crippled with two artificial hips, a bad knee and an incurable auto-immune disease that is killing her one piece at a time. A good day is when she can get out of bed. But - the fact that she loved me, my children, all my faults, baggage and idiosyncrasies without reserve has made up for all my petty 'must haves'. She accepted my kids without reservation and has given them the mother they never had - she loves them madly. She has made me a better man. Moral from #1 - the appearance of good health is no guarantee of anything. We are all going to die - each of us have precious little that we can do to determine the day. Moral from #2 - if we loosen our requirements a bit, we just may find a fantastic relationship. I'm with Virgo - take a chance with this guy if all other indicators are fine. What's the harm if you find a friend? The world is full of bitter women sitting around the lunch table bitching to each other that there are no good men left. Perhaps if our dating nets were cast a bit wider there'd be a real catch who, incidentally, didn't have one of the boxes filled in on the "Are you the One?" form. Good luck - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fctyler Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I love what Portside wrote; he always has sound advice. I'm with you that it's scary getting out there once again, scarier still to fall for someone who may not be the picture of health. I was in a grief group for a couple of years after my husband passed away and I noticed that all the women whose husbands died of cancer were terrified of getting cancer themselves. One women even refused to go for her yearly mammograms because she didn't want to hear the word "cancer" again. The women whose husbands passed from other events, (marathon, car accident, suicide) couldn't figure out why these women were so scared to go to the doctor. It just didn't make sense to them. We fear the possibility of repeating what we've already been through so we go to great lengths to avoid that possible situation again. While putting great efforts into the avoidance of pain, we may inadvertently experience that pain at a later time. (healthy people die in accidents everyday.) I guess my point is, we can try to orchestrate the perfect lasting relationship but in the end, we don't have as much control as we'd like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singinmomo4 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I also really like Portside's response. Mo12, only you know when and if you are ready to put yourself out there, however, when you are, keep in mind all the good advice you've received here. People die every day from any number of causes, as is evidenced here in this group we became a part of but would have chosen not to if we could. Car accidents, heart attacks, cancer, sepsis, murder, there was even one from the old board whose gf died from a lightening strike just when he was about to pop the question (or maybe right after, I forget). Many who get sick , whether it be from heart disease or cancer, many times survive. My father, at almost 85, is still alive after having a quintuple bypass over 20 years ago. I also know someone from church who had a heart attack when he was very young and the picture of health that is still very healthy after around 15 - 20 years. No one knows how much time any of us have, lets make sure we spend the time we have well with someone we love rather than someone who just meets all the right criteria. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Two of the three guys I had dealings with after DH died got in car accidents (DH was a pedestrian hit by an accident caused by a reckless driver) - one of them extremely major and requiring serious hospitalization/treatment. I felt like any man I was with was cursed. Now I'm back to "regular old" death paranoia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo12 Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 "Perhaps if our dating nets were cast a bit wider there'd be a real catch who, incidentally, didn't have one of the boxes filled in on the "Are you the One?" form." If only there were a box called "not going to die on me anytime soon." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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