serpico Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Sorry, from now I'll on just say (((HUGS))) :-[ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 It has never surprised me that many folks do not know the proper words (to my ears) to say for many situations - least of all the early death of a friend's spouse. We are all imperfect humans. Using this post as an example, the same phrase will annoy some, help some and leave others with a feeling of indifference. Why should it not? We all are very different people and our reactions to the same inputs will be wildly varied. "You're so strong - yada yada" and the like have never really bothered me. I viewed every comment concerning the death of my late wife as well meaning, especially if it was rather clumsy in it's delivery. Best wishes - Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Nothing the matter with your initial post, smabify. Sometimes, just venting helps. It hurts no one. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smabify Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 No, there wasn't anything wrong with it. I'm tired of being told that I'm strong, but even more tired of the "you should..." which is what this has become. I'm happy you are all better, more zen, more sincere, more whatever than I. Me? I'm tired of it. I've put up with a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Smabify, I read your original post and understood why you would feel that way. Being told you are strong will mean different things to different people, of course. More importantly, I think, it will mean different things at different times and in different circumstances. If it is said in retrospect, after you've gotten through a hard time and people are commenting on the strength you showed during that time, it might feel more affirming. However, I have found that sometimes people say that as a way to avoid offering assistance - as if to say, well, I would help you, but clearly you've got it covered. It is kind of like people see you standing holding up a huge boulder. Your face is red, you're breathing hard, knees buckling, clearly showing signs of distress. People around you are looking at you as if marveling how you are managing to hold up all that weight and commenting on how strong you are, rather than thinking that perhaps they might be able to lend a hand to steady or support the boulder for a little while to help you continue to manage the load. It isn't so much that you are so strong that is allowing you to keep the boulder in the air, it is more that you happen to be the one having the responsibility to do so. Maybe people aren't able to physically assist you with the boulder, but it would help for people to understand how hard that job is to do - to allow you the opportunity to honestly share the impact holding the boulder has, rather than just commenting on how great you are doing. I believe you are strong. Yet I imagine you are also exhausted, sad, worried, overwhelmed, and I'm sure many other things due to your circumstances. Honestly, you have been through a lot and it is ongoing. You haven't gotten a break and I'm guessing you don't see one waiting for you anytime soon. I wish I were able to help you in some way, smabify, to give you a small reprieve from all the worries and work. Being told how strong you are may not mean much when you feel just the opposite of strong. I suspect those comments make you feel like people aren't really seeing you and how weary you may be. Sending you love and tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I'm tired of being told that I'm strong, but even more tired of the "you should..." which is what this has become. I'm happy you are all better, more zen, more sincere, more whatever than I. Sorry - not at all what was intended. Didn't mean to upset/offend, was just talking on the topic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Sorry, from now I'll on just say (((HUGS))) :-[ I just spit my tea out reading this... I don't want to offend anyone but sarcasm puts me in a good mood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Smabify, not sure why you deleted your original post. I personally think this is a good thread of many varied and different perspectives. Our journeys are so different and it's refreshing for me to hear (read) such caring opinions. I hop you're ok! Hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhotoJunkie Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Honestly sometimes the best and only appropriate response is to send hugs to a person. If someone, who is usually the most upbeat positive person I know, is having a hard day and coming to a place to vent about it, why should we ignore it or try to make them more positive? (does that make sense?? I keep reading the sentence and think Ive lost my mind) Why do we as humans feel the need to constantly be positive instead of just understanding that someone as reached their limit for the day. They are tired. They have had to smile and nod every time someone (who hasn't been in their shoes) tries to inject rays of sunshine into their world when really all they want/need is someone to say.....Im so sorry. Let me hug you while we pity party together. As much as i cringe to say this: Pixar just released a movie that hits the nail on the head with this discussion. Its not my favorite movie of all time and I probably won't watch it again but I think everyone needs to see it once to understand that Joy/Positivity is not always appropriate. It is okay to embrace other emotions. My friend came here to this place to just vent a little steam and instead of understanding she was met with people trying to put a positive spin on things. I recently blew up at people for the same thing. I just wanted to have someone understand why a certain comment was rubbing me the wrong way that day....instead I was told I should be grateful, things could be worse, the grass is greener, I just need to be more positive etc. ugh. It gets old after a while having your feelings dismissed because they aren't positive enough for everyone else. Meanwhile, I bought some rum and Sarah and I are going to have a pity party. Everyone is invited Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beyondlife Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Alrighty then. I'm not always good at knowing if somebody just wants to vent, hopes for answers, needs some positivity. I go with my gut, sometimes my gut is wrong. Never intended to make someone feel worse, always hope to make them feel better and supported. This not knowing is why I rarely post, that, and not appreciating getting hands slapped when intentions are only good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 ^^^I feel the same way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 ^^^^^ totally agree. Especially on the internet. How is a person to know. Hope you're ok smabify. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 ^^^ same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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