tybec

My older brother is a LMFT from the early 80s and professor, training grad students in play therapy, trauma work, etc. So, he and his wife ( I was 7 when they married), invited my son and I to a lake house of a friend of theirs the first trip. This was great as they could manage us. We had new family memories in a place LH had never been. And I could get a glass of wine and sit out by the lake at night and do what I needed and they gave me space and took care of my son who was 8. We did this 3 more summers. My son and I went to Disney for our first trip together alone. My LH planned the trip entirely. I moved the dates, then. We were so busy, there was no time to grieve. I felt such a strong sense of accomplishment, then, that I could do it by myself. I was terrified for a while to be by myself on trips because if something went wrong. We survived. We actually have a system of travel now, 7 years in the making. Interesting with dating and traveling with NG and his boys. I went to a grief group ran by a widow who widowed young with children from teen to toddler. She got it. She knew me as we worked together and I had provided therapy for her granddaughter, so I did a good job, thankfully, and she was there for me. My son went to hospice camps for kids for several years and had a "grief buddy" that paid special attention to him. They did special parties, too, for different times of the year. My son finally told me he didn't need to go anymore. 4 years, I think.

There is a book called "When God Winks at you." My SIL gave it to all of us at Christmas, our last together. I used it for bible study that Jan. before LH died. I used a writing for bible study the Sunday before LH died, from a family that lost their twin daughter a year before, and we attended church together. They wrote about all kinds of things their daughter does to let them know she is about, a year later, mind you. And her identical twin told stories. The twin died in a car accident, too. Not a coincidence. I was being prepared, I believe. Subsequently, the girl's mother and father were very kind to me and my son, providing us support. I have them all the time, "Godwinks." My friends tell me about them. A Bridesmaid/childhood friend was on her way to the funeral for LH. She was mad, telling God about her anger, thinking about the phrase, "life can change on a dime." When she got in her rental car at the airport, there was a dime on dashboard. My phone, my LH's phone that survived the car accident that took him, would randomly play songs. There is pass code to put in the phone and then you have to go the app. HOW? The first time it happened, it was Police's song "Every breathe you take, I'll be watching you." Kind of freaked me out. The anniversary of father's death at one year, I was driving home from a friend meeting as she lost her dad the year earlier. The radio played the song I danced with my father at my wedding almost 20 years earlier. I had not heard that song in years as it was not common due to time. I don't pretend to understand this world, and I believe we have so much to learn, and we have a small bit of knowledge. So, yes, I have them often......

Oh Betrayal issues. Since I waited 4 yrs. to date, I worked out those betrayal thoughts/feelings. I knew if I wanted to date, I needed to be passed that. It took me a while. But, I still hold things sacred. And I don't say a lot of anything negative regarding LH out of respect and love for him. This is very different than NG with an EX wife. I know LH was not perfect, but I am not about pointing out his faults to NG. That feels like a betrayal, and it is not necessary.

My NG told me at approximately 8 weeks into our relationship, from our first face to face. I didn't say it back. I was not ready. I didn't think he could love me at such a short time, either. I told him I could not say it back yet. He managed it. My LH and I were kids, 14, and 17 yrs. old. He told me within a month. So, I don't know how all that works. All these stories about saying the "L" word, being afraid, holding back. I never had that happen. Too soon for me, actually. But I am apparently more logical than than I ever thought I was. I studied the "5 Love Languages" in a bible study. It shares information about forming relationships. I know, maybe too technical and not romantic, but I believe if we taught kids more about the relationship development, the euphoria that is there from anywhere from the beginning to up to 18 months, we would not have so many awful break ups and jumping the gun on things. Most people are living together now or married within in the first 3 years, and then the reality is all setting in, and the things you loved about that person, you can't stand. I truly have a different perspective. My husband and I dated 7 years before marriage, but that was because we were kids. But we dated longer than many marriages last now. 😲 Maybe not helpful to you..... When I did tell NG I loved him, I also told him I was "wife material". I am not a player. Not my make up.

Yes! I understand. How to not weep at each milestone that is bittersweet? ❤️

Well, I passed the half century mark. Saw what I wanted, a 7th wonder of the world on spring break that left me in tears with its beauty. Had a vacation with my NG and his kids and made it. Had highs of the trip and lows. Deep intense discussions because of some things with our kids on our trip I wish did not need to be addressed, but did so. Realized some things about myself, my NG, our blending of families. It is hard. So much harder than meeting young, innocent with the world as your oyster. I am amazed at the families that pull off the blending successfully. My NG feels we are on target based on things we are reading together. I listen, and then fall apart later wondering HOW my life changed from my easy nuclear family. Then, shut those unhelpful thoughts and feelings down, and I keep on keeping on. 3 years it takes for most families to blend. 3 years. John Gottman is a guru on marriage and blending, communication. My NG is reading what I send. I appreciate it. He is ready. Ready to move forward, get engaged. I took my old wedding set in and had it redone. I planned to do so years ago and never could. I have. It is ready for a new life. I am not doubtful for our love and commitment. I am doubtful about taking it all on. DO I want to spend the next piece of my life with some major challenges to overcome? Health issues are starting to come out. I am in PT for a back issue, and it is not changing a lot. I know deep in my heart what I will choose, and it won't be easy. I know I take on hard things, but they have been a non choice in the past. This is a choice. I feel like it is jumping into battle in some way today. This will change. Feelings always do. Ok. Rambling now. Happy 50 years! 350 in dog years. 3.5 for a giant redwood tree. Perspective....

“Yes, I also have some sense of this. For me I always thought of more like my threshold for feeling sorry for someone else is higher. Like they have to hit a certain level of pain or loss for me to register it. Writing that out makes me sound like a bit of a monster or self righteous and I rather prefer Hachi's perspective.” I get this, also. It is a undesirable trait but I had/have it sometimes. Early on, a “drama” colleague’s daughter had a car accident. Nothing serious, no medical care but she was shaken. I was very logical with her and came across heartless. I remember saying something along the lines, “well, she is fine. Just the car is damaged.” She didn’t like that as I wasn’t addressing her concern of something worse could have happened. Now she KNEW my husband DIED in a car accident, so I just couldn’t give it to her. Maybe not my finest moment but she forgot who I was, as well. It happens 😔

I just wanted to share that communication works and helps so much. This weekend my teen was gone on a retreat. My attempts to make plans with friends fell through, and NG had his kids. A year ago, heck 4 months ago, he would have let me be and just seen his kids. Well, instead, he contacted me, and we had a great Sat. with him and his boys. Then, he invited me to his church with his kids, so I didn't have to go alone at my church. Now, I have connections at church, so my tribe of moms is coming together, but it was nice for him to think to include me. I told him so, that I felt important and part of his team. And his boys have to get used to sharing their father. My son has more practice with sharing me, and they have to do so, also. It is realistic, and it is happening. Slow and steady, a marathon. 😃

First, so sorry for so much loss in such a short time. It’s a lot for a family to endure. 2nd. Just my humble opinion. For most illnesses, there is some kind of support group. So, your sister may do better with that than here where we have death of our mate. My brother’s wife died 14 months after my LH’s Car accident. She had an incurable cancer. 5 yrs prognosis. They never accepted it. She had stem cell transplant. She had experimental treatment at a research hospital. She was up for another trial when her body gave out. My brother still struggles with she may have made it if they just changed some of the treatment course. He would never have come here. Another dear widow lost her LH with 6 months treatment for cancer. She stated she was in fight mode until the last week. She would not have wanted a referral here. Support group for extreme care giving versus widowed. An unexpected death lives a different mind and grief process than a caretaker role. I think. Others?

I am not a person who shows emotion easily or often. Since LHs death, I do now as well. And anything with my kid brings ugly tears, even in public. Graduations, honor awards, and it’s on. He has accepted it. 😳😉😊 We know deep pain. So we know great joy, too. ❤️👍😉

PS All my reading (I research) says remarriage and blending families is a marathon, not a sprint. Keeping that in my head. Why I didn't think about all this with my 21 yr old marriage I'll never know? I was just secure in it, I guess. And the rug was pulled out when my husband died. So, as other's here trust and take the risk, I am on that path. 😉

Hi All! Happy Friday! My son is gone all weekend on a church retreat. Ropes course, rock climbing, zip lining. And learn more about his faith. Win/win. NG has his kids. So, I am looking at what I want to do. Had my Mom's group for the 2nd time. Met another mom. It is slowly coming together! MrsD. Not understanding your circumstances. One post sounds like he wants marriage, and you are still exploring it. Then your next is he does not. I hope you are okay. It is difficult, no matter. Trying2breathe, I don't know what is the line to decide for each person. Only you know. I know I have invested myself and see myself with NG long term, despite the children's custody situation. I realized all new coupling will have challenges. Pick what you can accept, I guess. I have a faith that has brought me through all trials. Not perfectly, but carried me, so I believe in that. I don't believe in coincidences. I should have never met NG. I was not in his parameters on the dating site. I reached out to him. We both planned to retire to the same city some day where we both have a family hub! He has traits of my LH I l adore and are uncannily similar. AND then he has these amazing traits that are all new, and I love. He tries to relate to my son, and I see it working. My son seems to like him! My goal was to find a man a bit older, like my LH, divorced or widowed and who likely had grown kids as LH and I started late with our family. It didn't happen. AND from reading here, that does not guarantee any challenges, either. 😉 I have read the threads here and taken in a lot to help me. I have prayed and reached out to others, too. We all have to find that line which is difficult. I wish all the best. We didn't ask for this, but we keep moving, and that is a significant! I am going to read Gottmans "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work." NG said he would also. I had a good functioning marriage, but imperfect, too. Plan to be more intentional to make this work as remarriage/recoupling is so much more than a first marriage, especially when young. Always learning.

Hey all. So quiet on the board. I am on here. I hope more folks will share. Doing well with NG. We have worked through some things. Soul searching, communicating. We are talking by the end of the year being together in the same home. 9 months. Good time to work on all. Still no court decision regarding his kids. 5 weeks. He has had another school yr. go by without an increase in time with his children. Really quite sad and inexcusable considering he did have them 50/50 in another state. Since in court us marrying was brought up, there is no secrecy. I like it is out in the open that we are serious. He had a lady at his church I now have met ask when he was going to marry me. I had to laugh. He said he told her his kids' custody was all he was waiting on. But that he was ready to move forward, regardless of the judge's decision. He is working through about his current living situation. He seems to like being part of family with me and my son. He does not need the "man cave home" anymore, he states. He is very logical about some things, but told me I am growing on him to increase his EQ. Funny he even came up with that. It is all messy. Life is messy. I can never go back to my simple nuclear family of three, and I have decided the risk is worth it, to have my son in a larger family than us 2. It has evolved into that over the years, as I am the youngest on both sides of the family and my nieces and nephews are growing their own families, now. We lost a hub years ago, and I want to have more than just us 2 for many reasons. NG does, also. He, too, is looking at he will still be alone most of the time with sharing his children. And he wants more, also. Same page, finally. Second Mom's group this week. And I might volunteer to go on the missions trip this summer with my kid's senior high group at church. 😃 Have a great week.

Arneal, Not sure of your situation, but don't learn the hard way I am. I am having to set boundaries that I didn't have due to being too accommodating. My evolution of the relationship. And NG is managing it well, but still, I realize it would have been best sooner. We are working through it all, but it is painful. Kinda like being the hard teacher that softens versus the easy going teacher that is viewed as mean when boundaries and limits have to be set. In fairness, I didn't know all I needed/wanted, either. And until it got very serious, I could handle things. So, as we discuss long term, lots of conversations about what will make this work. We both want a healthy relationship that can withstand the trials we will be given, and the romantic and innocence of life is not there like in our younger years. I had the hardest time just picking out a Valentine's day card as most just didn't apply or fit!!! 😉 Wishing you the best for whatever is on your plate. I am hopeful and feel good about things in a way I have not. But truth, honesty, communication, validation, worthiness and hope are all intertwined in our wounded souls to have this happen. ❤️

Interesting article, LF. I too am in a serious relationship, and this is helpful. It has taken me longer to let go of my ideal. Not to let myself be in a less than worthy relationship, mind you. But maturing into something, evolving into something different. Not to be so lonely to accept ill treatment. But also not to hang on to the past life so tightly, I let the present slip out of my hands. I have told NG, with a gulp in my throat, that I would hope to love more deeply, with more appreciation as I don't want to take things for granted as I did in my only marriage And that this marriage COULD BE better in some ways due to my loss and experiences. That my love from my first husband made me able to love greater in a new marriage. It took a lot to think that through without feeling I betrayed my LH, but it is moving that way. Anyway, thanks.

Love CS Lewis, L. C.S. Lewis

Thanks CW. Been quiet here. I enjoyed my MOMs group. I hope it grows. I have had two lunches in the the last week with "old" friends, and I am so much more at ease. I need the connections to others, and I had it, but widowhood changed that, too. But I can work on that, and I am. I have bible study weekly, too. I volunteer weekly for youth at church and monthly for foster care review board in our region. We are still waiting for the outcome from the custody hearing, a month on FRIDAY. NG is doing okay with it, as he is reading things to calm him, focus on acceptance, etc. Bible based and helping him. We have had some family interactions, and like your NG's kid CW, his kids are acting out. I have talked to him about my observations, and he admits it is on him. He has been so afraid of the custody hearing, that his parenting has changed since we started dating. I get it, but he states he knows he has to do something consistent. I don't know if the kids are aware of the custody hearing from their mother's side. But, they sure are acting out a lot more. My only teen son is amazing with them and mature enough to know it is not cool for them to behave like that. I feel good about my son. He seems to be growing up into a good human being, empathic and logical, too. He is finishing up his freshman year of HS now! He and NG get along well, too. It is an interesting dynamic. But then throw in NG's two kiddos, and it is a completely changed event. Met with my fellow wid who is a psychologist twice this month. She married her HS sweetheart, but had extra challenges in her family of origin with an addict sister and her LH's juvenile diabetes management. She is "real" with me. She can call me out on things, and it is okay as I know it is out of concern and love. AND her training. 😉 She has noted my resistance or barriers to NG and his kids. She has dealt with messiness in her family life with her addict sister, her parents raising grandkids. So, she has challenged me focusing on the negative instead of the positive of it all. She isn't wrong. I have cold feet and control issues, and she sees it despite my NG's behavior and kids. Interesting insight for me. I so appreciate her. Have spring break trip planned! So excited, and it will be a once in a life time experience. NG and his kids and my son and I traveling together, which is going to be new, too. So, slow and steady. Working out the challenges.

Was not meaning to be judgmental. Was more 1) sad they were so isolated:; 2) it could have been me just as well ; 3) loss comes out in many ways, sometimes devastatingly. Hoarding to a clinical debilitating way is very different. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hoarding-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20356062 This board is one way to not be isolated, although it is not IRL. Can still be so helpful.

Sunday rainy afternoon and under the weather, I stumbled across that hoarding show on TLC. I heard of it, but never watched. I heard sometime that most hoarders have a significant loss, usually suddenly, that triggers the behavior. I watched two hours 😲 Both ladies had lost their husbands suddenly and started this behavior. One lady had food in her fridge, 15 yrs. old from her husband, unable to part with it. She was a teacher, and NO one, including her neighbors, had any idea. She looked fine on the outside, and hid it a home. It made me terribly sad for them both. And they were blind to their hoarding, still rationalizing it, minimizing it though one house was under foreclosure due to health reasons (the teacher). Not sure why I am sharing. Made an impression on me. This site is helpful.

I am so sorry all this is happening to you. I cannot explain or understand why some folks get such hardships. None of us are better than others when it comes to life and unfair blows. Please know that people care, lift you up, even though you are so far away. And you are helpful to others. You share a lot here in a way that I am sure reaches many.

Virgo, Each state is different with some laws but I didn't have much problem. My mother passed in Nov. 2017. I was the POA and then executrix. Her will was clear, and I had taken care of finances for years. My 3 brothers and I had had nothing to contest. I had to go to probate court with an estimated itemization of her estate. Then since we were all agreeable, I had forms to send to all of us to sign to disperse of the estate as it was uncontested by us and then I wrote out the checks from an estate bank account. I had to close hers and open an estate one and move all into it. I could not write the checks until debts were paid, 6 months wait for that for any debtors to bill against the estate. After 6 months, no one can bill against the estate. Pay it all out, turn in signed documents and the judge signed it was closed. I happened to get a check 2 weeks after I closed the account and the judge signed the final estate probate, a federal farm subsidization check. I had to go back to probate court and reopen it, cash the check and then have siblings sign the same paperwork again. Why it can take over a year easily. OH, and the state I reside in allows the executor of the estate to have up to 5% of the estate's worth as payment for handling it. I took 3%. I still struggle with that. I didn't care for my mother for 10 years due to money, but in the end, I did want something back and none of the brothers objected. Property is different and state laws matter. Our family farm is out of state where I reside. We own it, deeded upon death. But interestingly, all spouses had to sign off on it as it is a law there if married, DESPITE the farm land was deeded to the four of us, not our spouses. Not a problem for me and my widowed brother. Not a problem for my married brothers, but thankfully they are happily married. Imagine if not! That is why marriage is an interesting thing in this country of what it legally means versus faith marriage. Another thread... When my husband died, we had been married 21 yrs. No issues. It was all mine, all transferred due to the will and he signed me as the beneficiary on all life insurances. House, cars, etc. both our names. If not, would have had an estate for him and had to deal with that in probate court. I tell folks. PLAN. GET it in writing what you want. And things will still come up.... Hope I didn't confuse you worse. An attorney is a good bet. I have attorney friends who helped me.

Your daughter is 3, so that makes it a little more challenging. So, just some things I did and maybe that will spawn an idea for you. First Father's Day - Putt Putt golf as my LH played a lot of golf. First Anniversary of his death - Had colleague whose husband flies his small plane. Took my son out flying. My LH was an aircraft mechanic and loved flying. So....it worked out. Probably you have movies/videos? Watch them. Look at old pictures of him with your daughter. Make a special picture or picture frame so she can put it in her room? Balloon lift off with paper notes tied to it. Let one of those Chinese Lanterns go. She can color it and you and others write notes on it before lift off. Do several together. She will remember something like that, probably. Message in a bottle if you are by the ocean or large body of water. Everyone can do that. Make a "lantern" light out of a glass jar and glue tissue paper on the side so you can put a candle in it. Light a candle. Fix his favorite meal, dessert, and eat together. Anything he liked to do you can incorporate in a special day memory. I took my son to see Lion King as soon as it came close. The story, ya know. As she is so small, you can ask your family and friends to write down a special memory of her dad and put it into a book for later. Go somewhere he loved to go as a group or just you two. Whatever works for you. Good luck.

Keeping on. NG is waiting for the custody decision. It has been two weeks. He has been extremely attentive to me, spending LOTS of time with me and my son. And talking about the future of us, blending families. I am listening, like to hear it but also waiting for the outcome of the schedule with his kids. I am being realistic. I don't think he will up and change things quickly due to the time for adjustment for his kids. I started a MOM's group of teen boys with ladies from my church, and we met last night. I am needing a new tribe and hope I will develop some great relationships through this. I miss my friends I left when I moved. We were tight, and we took girl trips and GNO. They got me through some difficult times. So, I know I need more connections. I am optimistic about this. Hope your weekend is well!

Ditto what has been said. I will let other's make decisions now, like where to eat, what to watch, etc., as I am so tired of having it all on me all the time. Took for granted that sounding board. I am not apathetic, but want to relax. I even don't like to drive all the time, and that was something I did all the time due to control issues. And I would not drink for the longest time as what if my kid needed me? I couldn't be under the influence! Sorry about the expenses. It is hard. My car is 9 yrs. old in May, and I hate to think about getting a new one. I bought a house by myself, but to negotiate with a car salesperson? Holding off as long as I can.....