tybec

What I envision is a Saturday late lunch somewhere so to have time to talk, etc. Nashville has great tourism opportunities so a weekend trip is nice. And if we wanted to add activities based on interest that could be done. 😊

Tried on the old site, and nothing solidified. Throwing it out again. Anyone?

Going the communication route. Not ready to throw in the towel. Son's birthday is coming up. Always a trigger. 7 yrs., and it just is. I know this time of year is rough for me. His dad was such a big kid. We had great celebrations with family and a mini trip for Labor Day. I made big plans. New tradition with some old weaved in. It is to be a joyous occasion. But my tears of "HOW can it be 7 birthdays without his DAD!" still come. This world of widowhood.

CW, My situation is a mess, and I truly go back and forth on this marriage thing. NG and I have been dating 2 1/2 yrs. And so much has happened. His custody battle on going, my mother's death last year, owning a family farm with 3 siblings, new job, new town. I can be content, and then I am not.🙄 A friend from MS days lost her husband almost one month to the day in a car accident in the state I reside prior to my DH's car accident. She has been in a long term relationship almost 5 years. I communicate with her some. I have FB friends divorced and remarried in the time I have dated NG. I began to wonder what was wrong with me. She reassured me. NO hurries. Do what you want when you want. She is financially stable as she owns part of a company with her brother, and her last kid started college. It helped to know from a fellow wid who also has similar faith beliefs as me that it is "all good. " My point is it is messy for ALL the reasons you noted. All good. I just have to learn to live that, too. 😉

Hey all! Weekend without NG. He has his kids. I think he is trying to spend all time with them and not with us as he does not want it brought to court they are always with dad and his GIRLFRIEND. I drug my teen to a free summer concert Friday. He was good once he got there and there were fireworks at a minor league baseball game right beside us. It was a nice night. He is in band and learning music, and I am proud to say, some classic rock and roll, funk, all kinds of genres which makes me smile. His dad was a Classic rock DJ a brief time and music lover you couldn't put in a box. I hope our son finds this love of music, too. Went out with a girlfriend from middle school days as we landed in the same town after 30 yrs. Nice night. She knew my husband before he moved to our little town, so we have this weird connection though our adult paths were significantly different. Interesting we connect! So, no talking to NG in two days. He text his next court hearing is in FEB. He is angry, frustrated, I am sure. I am trying to figure out how to maneuver. He has no money from court/attorney fees. He spends every waking moment planning for his case, reading, and every moment with his kids if they are not with him. Doctors, school events, practice for sports, etc. I read he is doing all the things recommended if in a custody battle. EXCEPT one. They do not recommend dating if you are going through this. It complicates and may be cause for things for court, and since court is not lawful, but has a moral compass of its own, there is that fact. So, I am keeping busy. I start volunteering with the youth at church tonight as I was asked. I work out. I volunteer for a foster care review bd and went to a training on Friday for it. My kids' band booster club needs volunteers and out of town band competitions start in 2 weeks every weekend. So, will see how life continues. Hanging in with what I can. So, budding relationships with deeper commitments...... He tells me he is deeply committed to me. He wants me. He appreciates me greatly. Nice to hear. But no time together? Where I am....

RAM, I understand your feelings. In a new relationship, you want to be with them all the time. And when one party doesn't operate like that, it makes you question the depth of the relationship and pursuing it further. I have read up on stages of relationships which really could have been helpful years ago! But it is a fact in the way we grow. And then there is this. WE know time is not guaranteed. We know careers are not ultimately fulfilling, and relationships matter the most. And people without this experience CAN"t get it totally. They can give lip service, but to deeply understand that we make a choice of our time that will not ever come back is huge. I struggle with this myself, and then realize I have to live in world with folks who aren't there yet. I can't expect them to understand or even make that choice. It is hard from where we come from, honestly. So it is okay to mad, hurt and whatever else you feel. You are not pathetic. Oh, and I am working on my life activities, so I am not dependent on NG for this. The risk, of course, is we grow away from each other, because if you don't water the flowers, they die out. But, then I have activities to do if we don't work out. It is hard if you had a partner that prioritized you and your family and you knew your were the goal, the healthy family part, and new relationships cannot have that. Maybe eventually? Hang in there.

OOh, jealousy, is so strange, isn't it, T2B? I understand. My NG has a former GF from after his wife first left. She was divorcing, too, from her spouse leaving. They were both very vulnerable and shared common pain. He dated her 18 months. He used her for his emotional support even up to when we started dating. I didn't know it. Not my business, honestly. Well about our 6th date or so, he tells me he told her he couldn't be her confidant anymore. I had guessed she called him on one of Sat. date night that was an important date for us in our growing relationship. I was right. He didn't need to tell me, but he did, being transparent. Well, she is still his FB friend, and she has to comment always when he posts something about his mother. I asked if she and his mom were close and he says "no." It has been 4 years now. It is weird and gets me just a little. I have no ex.. Just my LH. I have learned to not show my jealousy, deal with it privately as he truly has no emotional tie to her. I do wonder why she rears her head now and again. He left her to move to be with his boys. She would not follow as her family/children are in the state she resides. It is over. But YOUR situation is more complicated . I hear you and understand. I appreciate the others' comments. Very mature. But green is green sometimes.👽 Good luck managing it.

Thanks for your support. It has been an emotional week. It throws me back wishing my LH was here and we had our simple little life of us 3 without all these complicated matters I never would have conceived. AND I do get angry that they fight over the kids who are lucky to have TWO alive and well parents who love them and both do spend time with them. I got my kid to high school, so I feel good about that. And he seems well adjusted so far. At this stage of life, everyone has their history/baggage. When to say you want to carry it with them, or take separate trips, I don't know. Keeping busy with my son's new commitments, meeting new people that way and will start small groups back up in Sept. through my church. Trying to make this life fulfilled. Time will tell.

Hey, all. Actually been a bit since I posted. NG had custody hearing on Thursday . It was terrible as it is continued and none of us testified after waiting all day, about 7 of us. He is broken down and can't share the testimony with me. I did read the notes from the therapist he requested, and she was the one to testify. It is disheartening. She is a well known person here and worked CPS for years, investigations and such prior to becoming a therapist. I have so many thoughts on it. She was not hired to do a custody evaluation. I have 23 years of work experiences to her 7 in therapy, but because of who she is, she has clout. But I believe she is bias as I read the notes. And she wasn't hired to do a custody recommendation which I bet she did. She is a treatment professional role . I have excellent training and stay my "lane". I never became a forensic interviewer as I did not want to muddy the waters of my expertise, which is treatment. It is very frustrating because it does not matter here. Small town, I am a newbie. I don't know if I can help him but he did ask about reporting her to her professional board. I think he could, honestly. But I have always been a stickler to ethics, practice what you are trained in, do what you are skilled, etc. But in rural areas, that is not the case. Meh. So, emotional roller coaster and I am along for the ride. I will support him as much as I can. We left the court house and a homeless man was sitting there that he knew. He does volunteer work for the homeless in this city. He stopped, talked for a bit and introduced me. That is who he is. It is sad to see him so defeated. And it is not over.

"We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say "I've been there". This was unclear to him at first-I've been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. "So sadness is a place?" Giovanni asked. "Sometimes people live there for years" I said Elizabeth Gilbert- Eat, Pray, Love Got this from the quotes section. Never used the DGI term but here. It is just a way to express anger/frustration and vent. It is usually around the early parts of grief and subsides thankfully. Maybe some of you were very able to take the high road most of the time, but many of us just need to let loose. I don’t cuss. Not me. AND I don’t get all offended when people do out of frustration or to express themselves. No different imho.

Thanks all. I had backed off and you all confirmed that is what would be a good choice. I let him know I was giving him space to do the things he needs to do for the case, as he has a lot to organize. Met with him and his attorney, and it actually was not too bad. So much is about how to convince the judge who doesn't support the new law that took effect July 1. The burden is for the father to show why it is better for his kids to have more time, and the attorney says the judge does not want research either. YEAH. The judge does not like sleepovers, which we have not had with his children. But he has slept at my house. I hope they do not ask that. He is Church of Christ and does not like that. I am telling you, judges have power. I had plans for dinner but they fell through, but NG said a date would be nice sometime this week, so I agreed later on. I made lunch plans on Friday with a friend. I ,ironically, have two things Friday night, now, and will juggle them. Work BBQ and my son's marching band parent show and pool party. I'll see what I can swing. NG does not know if he has his kids this weekend yet due to the transition to the school schedule, and his ex has not confirmed with him as they do not interpret it the same way. Yup, what they do. SO, thanks for the guidance. Laying low, not bringing up my concerns at this time, space for him to work through, and wait it out some. Keep busy. I have to get motivated to my work out again. Fell off the wagon after vacation, so that will help. THANKS All!

Well, it is the weekend. I am leaving town. My son needs to see his granny as he is a marching band kid (all new stuff for me), and he will be busy for the next few months almost every weekend. 😳 She is in poor health , and she moved back to family when I moved . She has lots of support, but my dear son is her only grandchild. Just a review, I moved to the town where I had to place my mother in a dementia unit as we did not have one. And her money followed as she was already in their system but that level of care was not available where we lived. Happened to be the same town NG lived in, Yeah! And my mother had an illness 2 months in, and it left her heart damaged and then hospice. She passed in Nov. 2017 just short of turning 89. So, NG delivered his kids to their mom yesterday. His mother leaves today. I decided to leave town to get some clarity. I don't know if he even understands that, but maybe he does not need to. He reverted to his past behavior this past week. Little to no contact with me. Call me in the am on his way to work. That was about it. WE did get together with the kids to swim two nights for about an hour, so there was that. He goes to court in Aug. I am meeting with him and his attorney next week. He did make sure to communicate this need. I am hurt. AND tired of the routine. And I am trying to not cause issues as he is so preoccupied with the court and stressed out. Thus, I am leaving town. I am going to try to get passed the court stuff and just see where things lie. I am protecting my heart. The man is the best father. He has moved mountains for his children. He stops everything to skype nightly with them, and that has been on dates, out of town, anywhere we were. He loves his boys so much. And, I don't have him showing me that attention or care. Maybe I am not the right woman for him. Maybe he would do so with the right woman. Maybe he doesn't know how to be in a committed relationship and show love consistently to an adult AND his children. I am not asking him to choose. That is not an option. I don't ask for gifts, I pay my way mostly now for everything, I don't ask him to do things for me as I am independent. I don't think I am over bearing. I think I try well. I would like texts good night. A phone call at night when the kids go to sleep. A message that he misses me when he is with his children even though he loves them dearly. A quick kiss goodbye when we do see each other with our kids. We have talked about this. He listens, does better a while, sometimes is sarcastic with it, and then reverts back. I hope I don't sound nagging, but maybe I am . I just didn't experience this with my husband. He was affectionate and available. And I knew he was going to be there for me. Always. Okay. Breathe. Thanks for listening.

Oh Arneal! That sounds wonderful! NG traveled Europe extensively in his 20s and 30s and took many cruises and tells me he will take me there one day, something I planned but never did with careers and life and having a child. It is awesome and YEARs from reality. We both had kids late in life. Hope to be able to do some of that some day. We can dream!

Ok, back to regular time with NG and his kids. Every other week until school starts, and Grandma flying in to take care of them while he works. Custody hearing in 3 weeks😳. NG is under lots of stress, and I am in it, now. I am trying to not make it worse. Talked more about our future. He says two years is more than enough time to decide to be together long term or not. Marriage is in the conversation. I have the friend that will marry us but without going to the court house and do a legal contract. But, MY GUY is Mr. Logic. So, in a conversation after church last Sunday when I asked him some thoughts about his life choices and following God's plan, not his own, he shared. And then told me I am very evasive with him, wanting to know his thoughts but tend to keep my thoughts to myself. So, I shared two nights later. I wanted to email it but he preferred talking. I told him my thoughts of us marrying and what I wanted. And what I needed to happen. I have decided I can give up my benefits from late husband and survive with him, and he has advantages I can take on if married. And that I need to wait as I will have my mother's estate and farm sold in the next yr. and I don't want to tangle it up with a legal marriage. I requested a prenup as I have my son's needs and inheritance to consider, and he has his two sons. He has his ex who I have to consider in my financial plans. If he were widowed, it would likely be a different plan. And if our children were of age and self sufficient, which they are not. All very thought out and not romantic at all, but logical. He said as much, and he understood. My brothers and I are selling the farm to a federal conservation group, so it will maintain the natural springs, caves, and water supply that dumps into the mighty Mississippi. My father and mother would be happy to have that, not sell it for more subdivisions which we could. So, federal stuff is a big deal and need to wait. NG seems a bit distant now. Could be my perception? Could be he is so involved with getting ready for court? IDK. Recoupling is difficult, no matter which way you go......

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/remarriage-after-widowhood_b_3545400.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000006 I thought a good read. 😊

Arneal, what did you see?

I was 4 1/2 yrs. out when I started to date. I think the rule is hindsight is 20/20. You don't know if you are ready until you try and see how it goes? No curve. I have read from widows/widowers both stories. Some were ready early, and some were not. All good.

Statistics show that men are happier in marriages than women. That has been in research since the 80s. Many facets to that. Harder to get research data on cohabitation situations. So, just as anecdotes: I was not ready to date for 4 1/2 yrs. I married my high school sweetheart. My grandmother and aunt were both widowed early and never remarried, nor dated. Three of my widowed friends are unmarried. One is coupled up but not marrying for a while. One never dated. One is 4 yrs. out and starting to consider it. My financial adviser, a male, married within 9 months of his wife's untimely death. They had 3 kids and just adopted a child from out of the country. I was told by a woman he had to have a wife to take care of all those kids 😳. My best friend's dad remarried 6 months after her mom died. Her parents had a romance to admire, marrying at 18, and together for over 30 yrs. At the 2nd wedding, so many folks were crying, and I wondered if it was for joy or sadness as we all loved his marriage to his first wife and their life . He has been married now 30 yrs., I think, in his 80s. My brother widowed and waited the obligatory one year and got on line. He remarried a gal after knowing her 4 months. They are not married anymore. I don't know any other unmarried widowers. Maybe they have their pick of females, as stated earlier, and therefore, take the plunge again. Always exceptions to the rule. always.

Congratulations Rob! Happy for this next chapter for you and your girls!

Vacation over with NG and his boys. Still not home as a wedding today to attend that was on the way back. He had to get his kids back to their mother so we drove separately. We made some great memories. It was an adventurous vacation at a resort for those things. Rappelling, rock climbing, zip lines, hiking, kayaking, a full day of white water rafting, and an extreme outdoor water park seen on travel Channel. I made it! I started working out in December and though the weight hasn’t lifted, my physical ability has improved. So glad I have committed to exercising regularly. NG and all did well I believe. We have some parenting challenges but I knew that. Told him we can talk later about that so nothing extreme. His oldest, age 10, got hurt the 2nd to last night. He didn’t follow instructions and sprained his ankle. He is soft and unfit (his mom got him a stationary bike 😳) So, the long water trip was not fun for him. He was in a tandem kayak so he really only had to sit with foot propped up but he cried off and on all day. I felt sorry for him but it was the only trip left and all the others he couldn’t have done with the hiking and such. He has been in counseling two yrs. NG thinks it is “mother” created. Maybe, but there is more to this kid. I hold my tongue. When he wants my professional opinion, I’ll give it. My kid did well with them all. NG has said he appreciates my kid and his management with his younger boys. We laughed, played board games at night, so lots of things they haven’t done per them. NG sometimes describes my kid as “peter perfect “. Yeah, he is a pleaser but so was I so whatever. He cops the teen attitude with me so he is just like most teens. We had a great time. I am glad to be in a hotel today, though. Camping is cool but I like my soft accommodations. Son and I were in a cabin, and they stayed in a tent. I was with 4 males so ready to be girly. Happy trip😊

“It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?" -C.S. Lewis Sorry NG is being as my “NG” states of himself, sometimes, obtuse. I hear your frustration. I understand . Family therapy? Why? I would go “really?” also. My ng is divorced and I get frustrated but then Regroup and try to understand, read, talk to divorced friends to get it. I vent also. All good. Keep on keeping on. 😊 portside, I usually appreciate your direct, logical no nonsense responses. Yup, you need a snickers or something. Ryansamysmom is expressing something many of us have felt. Doesn’t mean she is treating her NG terribly, but sharing out loud something she can’t to others irl. Anyhow.

My NG got published. He is using his frustration for change to impact others. http://dailycaller.com/2018/07/03/military-parents-divorce-separation/

Meh on the 4th. NG didn't have his kids. DIdn't last yr. either, as it is how the calendar falls. He was depressed, anxious and out of sorts. We had no plans. My memories on FB popped up. from 2008 to now. LOTS of fun activities on the 4th. Blah. Last minute invite by my son's friend to his house to watch their own bought ones. NG went. Low key. Okay. He said we leave for vacation on Sat., so we will have lots of fun, then. He is right. Our last family vacation was the 4th of July in the mountains, 7 yrs. ago. Well,. my DH had hacked my phone and wrote on FB about Me stating I had the best husband ever, and I was the luckiest woman in the world and worshiped the ground my husband walked on. And that we had the best family vacation ever. Gosh, this new love life is challenging. I smiled at my LH's joke. It was so HIM, my class clown guy. And NG is wonderful and special in his own way. Have to make new memories. Hoping for the next week to be amazing.

I called about a retirement plan I still get info. about from my DH. It has been 6 1/2 yrs. I called to see if there was something I missed, something still left in the plan as it was his company 401K and investments. The lady stated that the company would continue to send them out. I said he has been dead 6 1/2 yrs. She apologized. I said it was a waste of time and money. She apologized. I told her the company does not even have the contract where he worked now, and I received the pay outs in 2012. She acknowledged it again and apologized. WHY? Why would they keep doing this? She did not know why, agreed it was a waste of time and money, but it was an automatic mail out since DH was employed by them. REALLY? She said she was sorry. Poor woman. How many calls does she get like this? Just wow.

T2B, Thanks for being an advocate! CASA? Yes, knowing others and especially children, live through such trials and tragedies certainly puts me in perspective of things I take for granted. NG ends his week today with his kids. We have had no adult time, of course, but his mother has been great in asking for my son to hang out with his sons, and pick him up while I work. They get along well. My son is a teen but has already talked about being a camp counselor, so he does exceptionally well with his younger boys. I am truly amazed at how he handles them. And they think he is pretty cool, too. It helps his mother out, too, as he can be the swimming guy or whatever, and she gets a break as she is 71! So, a week now with NG and my son. First one this summer. Not sure how we will manage our time. Vacation in a week! Lots coming up. Feast or famine. Make or break! Breathing!