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Sunday is 7 yrs. My mind is anxious, my sleep disturbed. I have exercised, eaten healthy, gone to bed timely and the last of the lasts still pops up every night about 3 am. I am going away for the weekend with my NG. He knows the weekend date. I am not sure my plan was best. Waiting for the time when my heart and brain will settle down this time of year. NG asks why I am not sleeping. I guess that is a real difference in divorce and death. He is now happy to not be with his ex. I never had an "ex." I am reading up on remarriage and blending families and sending him links to things. He is ready now. Says to go and pick out a ring. This will end the time apart that seems to cause so much conflict or uncertainty. Lots going on. Just breathe.

We saw them on our 20th anniversary. DH loved all kinds of genres of music. They played 3 hours. In 28 years, too many. IN MY LIFE by the Beatles is a big one, too.

Arneal, I am sorry about the unpleasant feelings regarding your LH's remains and such. I can see where that would be hard. My LH was a veteran and a beautiful veteran's cemetery is where we lived as we lived close (and he worked) at a huge Army Fort. He has a headstone provided then. He was still cremated, and we spread his ashes there at the scattering garden provided for this, and we had an informal ceremony to do so 4 months after his death. It was more meaningful to me as his death was a car accident and such a shock, I was in autopilot that whole 4 days of the services/visitation. A blur, truly. I think we all have to do what we can do. My mother passed in 2017 and was cremated. My brother agreed to take her to the burial place where my father and her have a joint monument. He still has not done it. But he will when it is time. It is a family plot in the middle of nowhere where none of us live or will go to except for this. She knew we were not gong to tend to their graves. I think my husband's untimely death made her think differently about all that.

OOps, I was redundant. Attempted to edit but too late. Made plans for next weekend. Get-a-way with NG. Much needed. And it is my LH's death date. Will go to cemetery, and NG will wait in vehicle. My son does not want to go. My son often does not choose to, and that is okay. Making intentional plans for this year. NG coming over more often and something switched? He is tired of the two homes, too. Bedtimes for his kids, routines, etc. keep us apart with the kids. So, see what happens in the future planning. I appreciate you all helping me stay strong. I was loved well and long. I was fortunate to have a wonderful marriage, imperfect, but loving and stable, more functional than dysfunctional. I deserve that again or I can be healthy and strong on my own. Keeping on.

Hey all! Thanks for sharing. It is helpful to see all the responses and different ways folks are going. NG and I had a heart to heart. I let him know we needed to end it if I am not his "person." and he can live without me, seeing me, talking to me especially over significant times like holidays. He was disappointed with the holidays and stated he knows this is not okay. He has thought about how to rectify it all. He feels the only way is to live under the same roof. We will have dated 3 years soon, and I am to the point of move forward or let go. I am not wanting to do this arrangement anymore. So, we are talking intentional of plans for this year. There are real life things he cannot control, and I think he realized this. And he has to make a choice to live with that and move forward in his life. With me. But it is unsatisfactory the way it is. I also think he has considered my thoughts about how he is role modeling dating, treating a woman to his boys. It is not natural to have the partner there but cater to the children always. Something shifted in him as I pointed out how he treated me at the beginning and how he has changed. He admits the custody hearing always has him thinking about what could be brought up in court, but there has to be a line. He has been separated almost 7 years, divorced 5. Did his ex really think he would not recouple when their children were 2 and 4 when she left him? Just more reality of all this. I sent him an article about blending families that was real, with the challenges and ways to work through it all as others do. He stated it was "heavy" as he lived it as a child himself, too. So, treading the waters deeply. The responses here help. I appreciate them even if they are hard to read sometimes.

Just to add to be positive. I set a goal of 156 work outs in a year in 2018. That is an average of 3 a week, which is just for good health, fighting diabetes risks, heart disease, etc. I made it to 133!! I am healthier, but the weight didn't come off. Age and not changing my eating habits is fact in this. And I have a lower back issue that PT helps but really need to see the orthopedic doc to see what is happening. So, I have a goal of better health still, and eating healthier. I do not want to be obsessed with only this, so balancing it. NG is my work out partner and we do well together to meet at the gym as often as possible. He also will take walks with me and hike some, and that is good. I have enjoyed that.

Hi Candace. I was right there with you on the old board. I had my wedding anniversary in Dec., and it would have been 28 yrs. And my LH's death is this month, also. 7 yrs. It has been up and down for me, also. I have had periods of self growth and improvement that did work and helped, but then would go back to being a "lump" for a while. I understand the ups and downs. Thanks for sharing. And RemysWife, I remember you from the old board. And I too have lost my father, husband and mother now in the last 12 years. I have recoupled but not without lots of challenges. And it is always there, the loss, the grief, the "what the heck happened to my world" thoughts/feelings. I am here, too.

Another holiday season behind us. Glad we all got through. Track record 100%! My holiday started well with NG and his mom and kids. AND then it derailed. He had little to no contact. And when we got together, I may as well not been there. Last year, he said it would be better this year. And it was not, honestly. We did not even sit next to each other when around. He had his kids on either side. His mother even asked if I was going to sit next to him, but it was obvious that was not the plan. My wedding anniversary was Sat., and he planned a big one day trip out of town, and I declined going. My son and I couldn't fit in his vehicle with his mom here, and I didn't want to drive me and mine and be a "third wheel", again. I moved to make NYE plans with a friend and her family out of town. I needed to be with folks that knew me and my LH and son and loved us. Then I got sick. A week of illness. So no celebration of anything. I didn't see NG for over a week,. And I prepared to end it, but I was too sick to have the energy. NG came around to see me briefly and stated he knew we had a bad holiday. I told him straight up I could not understand his behavior and if I wasn't his "person", then let it end. I was prepared to do so as I am not settling and not going through this again. Prior he had text me we needed to talk about marriage to end this 2 home, separate holiday situation, which honestly did not set well for me. I told him that his reality is he will never have his kids full time, but a marriage or cohabitation IS full time. He has to accept his situation like I have had to accept my husband is dead. He agreed he had to change the dynamics, it is on him. That is it in a nutshell. I am stronger and can manage if I need to. He is going to show me his commitment. I don't want to "test" him, but there has to be some proof of his words. His actions don't back his words, and I let him know it is unacceptable to me. This is a big deal. I have never done anything like this. I am going to be okay. I love him, but I told him that love is not always enough. Situation and timing matter, too and he knows that. A relationship is work, but it should not be a fight/struggle. I am not begging for someone to be in my life. I can be alone and single rather than in a couple and be lonely when sitting in the same room. So, I didn't choose to end it. I am a commitment person. But I am learning. This board has helped. I didn't always like the remarks, probably too close to truth, but that is how you grow. Big decisions for me. Keeping on. We will see.

Hey everyone! What’s happening in the new yr? Arneal, where are you? Hello?

To share, vent, support, survive, thrive from this situation we never could have envisioned. Losing your mate young. An abnormal event but more common than we knew. And all aspects of loss, grief, family and friends. So many facets of loss. Thankful to find it. 🙏🏼 And sometimes smiles, new joy, hope is found and shared, too.

I treat sexually abused children. Since 1997 have been in training for years, and I know more than average. And I have provided trainings to corporations on sexual harassment laws. And I have a 15 yr old blue eyed blonde Caucasian son. After the metoo# movement and the issues with Judge Cavanah’s appointment and all, I had to discuss all this clearly, too. It is a different era for young boys/young men. It is the fact. Consent is and always has been needed, necessary but he needs to always protect himself and the other person from anything that could be misconstrued. So that is a new necessary conversation. I don’t know if casual sex is okay at all for this population, which is fine by me. Be in a relationship and hopefully that will never be a factor. The biological points are easily discussed. It’s the relationship part to cover. Good luck.

Hope everyone got through Christmas well. It is still a rough time of year for me. Wedding Anniversary would have been this coming Sat. (sigh) NG got his kids Christmas Eve, and my kid and I went over to his place for treats. He had not seen his kids in 12 days. I cannot imagine. We parted, but then I had dinner at my home yesterday. The kids opened their presents at their own places, which was fine, truly. His mother is here and they have their traditions. A new friend of mine who has a fatherless kiddo, too, told me she had to make her new normal for her kid after his father died (same yr. of LH's death ). They have a small family and they don't travel much or well, so she started Christmas eves and mornings with just them, and it is fine. She said she had to adapt for his sake. That rang true for me. And that it is okay. I had taken my son for the weekend up for his dad's side of the family Christmas. 71 folks showed this year, still with over 30 not there. I felt comfortable. I have known them for 35 years after all. I am glad I can go now, as for years, I could not. Too painful. Still hard, but better. Hope the holidays are as smooth as possible. Looking forward to 2019!

So much here! Exactly. The thing I looked for in a new partner, a great dad, is also the thing that is hardest to deal with, being a great dad by his standard. He feels so much stress, too, when he knows he is letting me down as he he feels he cannot make everyone happy. So sorry, T2B for the struggle. And you just had that amazing vacation. And the holidays are just ramping everything up!!! SUDNLYSNGL, I am sorry for the pain and hurt your NG caused you. Devastating! That is a whole new level of upset. My NG is honest to a fault. He has integrity. 3 years of knowing him, and it is there. It is the blending, issues, parenting styles, family of origin, parts not in his control. A lot. We here have all had a tragedy, maybe trauma, to work through. Jumping into something with knowing there are LOTS of challenges is difficult as we have lived through such loss. Weighing it all. Choosing a different path than ever envisioned. I am thankful for those that make it work, as that gives me HOPE. I also know there is no perfection. I didn't have it before, so won't now. Good thread reading all different experiences and views.

Aw, thank you ladies. Nice validation. CW, I see so much in your circumstances as mine. NG's kids do not need another mother, and NG definitely wants to handle his children as he sees fit. And me giving two cents is with caution, because if they return to their mother and state something, well there is that. Drama. NG has commented my son and I live like roommates. No, we just have developed our ways in almost 7 years living together, and thankfully, it works most of the time. My son is even becoming helpful with traveling and lots of chores and such. He is 15, over 6 ft now, and strong. So, there is that. NG is driven by being a divorced kid and then a stepkid. He has strong views of how to do things with his kids. I am not there at all. He wants his kids every second engaged with him. He admitted he didn't want to bring them to my house for him to watch them play video games with my kid, and certainly not in another room. More and more keeps coming out about our parenting differences based on experiences growing up. I can truly see your point in maintaining lots of things separately at this time.

CW and RFTC, Good points from very different perspectives. I now longer feel this urgency to be under the same roof. Like you, CW, there are so many blended family issues. And until he has the dust settle after the next custody hearing in Feb., no major changes. So, am I losing my interest in NG with the reality of everything? Just having an adult to spend some time with now and again is enough at this point? IDK I knew I wanted my husband, even to the point of getting married 6 months earlier due to Desert Storm starting up. Do you know with certainty at this stage of life? NG and I have so much in common and really get along so well, but that is mostly our adult time or just at my home with my son. Add his kids, and it is completely different dynamics. I am taking it slow like you CW, but then, we know we are not guaranteed time. That is a fact. My son is doing well despite his father's death, too, CW. He is seemingly really well adjusted and making new friends, new interests, committing to things he could do for a life time. A decent head on his shoulders, so far. I am very fortunate. NG's kids are in this battle between the the parents and the oldest is difficult, 2 years in therapy now. With wisdom and experience, I seem to become more cautious which is counter intuitive with our spouse's deaths. OY!

The holidays🎄 NG and I have had a couple nice weekends. He has traveled far with me for my son's school's state championship football game, and WE WON! Last weekend was the first time we saw his kids in 2 months. He paid for everything for a big holiday special treat and show. It was not age appropriate for my teen but my kid is a trooper, and NG paid. We had discussed that he chooses things only for his kids, and so us choosing not to go and me pay for things we didn't want to do anyway was another thing about integrating families. So, it was a good experience, and I didn't pay for it. He has heard me on that level then. His mother is coming for the holidays, and he and she are asking for gift ideas for me and my son. So, that is inclusive. And the BIG ONE! My 50th is coming up, and I will celebrate with a big trip. My LH and I started doing special things on birthdays shortly after his cancer and treatment. So this is no exception. LH didn't get to 50. NG and I have discussed it as he has his kids spring break. I did a completely adventurous summer vacation with him and his kids. It was fun, but NOT a 50th birthday type of trip at all. So, the planning. Can we make it work for all of us? It needs to be kid friendly, but I told him I am not hiking, climbing, ziplining, kayaking, whitewater rafting the entire trip. If we cannot come to terms, my son and I will find something special. He is trying. The next court hearing is in Feb. so that is a factor on some level. He is trying a lot, and I appreciate it. I have backed off, and we may see each other once a week, and that is our way currently. (sigh) It is the way it is. I am feeling better about ME, and that is good. And I am fortunate and thankful for so much this year. First world problems......

I read your blog, and it was very well written and helpful, too. I really appreciate you and others' ability to put in words thoughts many of us have. It is so unreal often that life stopped and a new BOOK started, not just a new chapter. My life will forever be before and after. My son got glasses after LH"s death, so every picture of him is before and after. I, like you, and many, married my high school sweetheart. It is very challenging to change my identity and slow go. You all who share let me know it is possible, and I know necessary, but still possible and a good thing. THANK you so much.

I don’t feel comfortable with posting all over social media about me and NG. I tag him when we do things but don’t post all those sappy pics. Didn’t with LH either. I know too many that break up or are not showing reality. So there is that. We did put relationship November of 2017 and my friends blew it up, and I knew they would. Well he posts everything he does with his kids. 100s of pics. So we posted one with just us in Novembet again, and it was blown up again. He was in shock. But when you post all your kids stuff it gets repetitive, I told him. Plus, now folks know we are still out there. Anyway, to each their own. 😉😊

Thanksgiving. I think things transpire as they are supposed to, whether I like it or understand. MY MIL made my favorite meal Wed. when we arrived. I slept in the room with 14 pics of my son and 4 of me and LH. We spent lunch at one aunt and uncle's, my favorite, actually. 35 folks there. They sign the table cloth and embroider it. They found one from 2009 at Christmas with me, LH and son's signature. LH's aunt told me I was loved and always welcome, and I didn't make the circumstances. She also asked me about NG. Then dinner at a cousin's home who has taken on the matriarch role of that branch. She text me today she was happy we came. And food was en mass. Not Italians, but eat like them.😉 Delish! Met SIL and niece for lunch on the way home. So, very nice. NG was busy with a whirlwind mini vacay with his mother and kids. Text some. He called me as soon as he was home. I was distant, and I wasn't ready to see him until Wednesday. Very much contemplative. Finally got with him Wed. Didn't get into it all. He asked about plans with him for the next time he has his kids as we have not seen his kids in 2 months now. Also, talked to me about going to his father's the 26th of Dec. as he did not want to be in different places again for the holidays. So, maybe he is thinking it out? I have not pushed. I have kept busy and not opened up my schedule when he is available carte blanche. Truly, my son and I will be okay. I am TREADING the Deeper waters......🤔🙂 Oh, and he text today to go out to dinner.

My husband died in a vehicle accident. 7 years come Jan. My mother passed in Nov. 2017 at 88 from congestive heart failure and 6 months in hospice. She had vascular dementia that was, of course, worsening. I miss my mother, but she had been dependent for several years and required dementia unit care. Losing her was nothing like my husband. I miss my life with him so much. My son was 8 when his dad died. I grieve because of so much loss. My mom was my number one cheerleader for so long until she couldn't be. I took care of her 6 years then as a widow with my son. I know she lived a long and mostly joyful life. It was more natural for my mother, though still hard with the ups and downs in hospice. For me, her loss was still natural. What I hope for. A long life and my body or mind slowly gives out. No major trauma here. Everyone is different. The loneliness can be there regardless of age or circumstances of the death. Complex, indeed.

THANKSGiving. Had not posted. It is a downer. My NG always goes to his mother's as she comes here to take care of the kids all the breaks as he works year round, like most of us. So, he feels obligated to go South, flying, too far to drive. I understand. And his family is all there, so his kids get a sense of family besides their mother's side here. Well, I intended to go to my nephew's who is in the same vicinity. Went last year and it was wonderful! BUT, they decided not to host a big meal. Now mind you, it is my nephew, his wife who is an only child and their two children. My brother and SIL are going as they always do. The niece in law's father comes for the day, as her parents' are divorced. It was a fantastic time last year and my niece in law made it like a resort with food and accommodations. They live well as my Nephew has a great job. So, the widow and her kid are not invited. It hurt. The entire upstairs is available, as they live downstairs. Anyway, my brother framed it as it was not us, but them. They do not want much company, and they shortened their visit. They also requested my other nephew and family to get other accommodations when they come to visit now, from Abu Dhabi,, mind you. So, Not going. NG's mother does not have room. I was told this last year. So I quickly made plan B. MIL and family would love to have us ANYtime, so headed opposite parts of the country. My kid loves the big family gatherings, and I used to host, but that ended. So he is okay with seeing his granny and all the cousins (his father's and their kids and their kids). But NG and I will not be together, a 3rd Thanksgiving dating. My feelings were hurt as NG just was matter of fact about it. He would have liked me to come and stay in a hotel, but I am not doing that for a holiday. And he is spending loads on his kids. His kids are going on a cruise at Christmas with the mother's side, and I feel he is playing THAT game. He says I have the money, and I do from my mother's death last year, but I have to live on it. So, last week was my mother's anniversary of her death. So, it all hit the fan at the same time. I also had not talked to NG over the weekend as he had his kids. So we went over that again. And again. We fought a lot and I was sad, and he forgot the time of year. It was bad. So, I made my choice to go North. A cousin has already called excited we are coming. We will have a big family celebration with LH's side of the family. My 35th year in their lives, now. It will be okay. But I am struggling with it all. I will not keep having the same conversations and NG is getting tired of it, too. So, getting through the holidays, which is also my wedding anniversary and then LH's death. DOES it ever not have its presence? I have a lot to be thankful for and will focus on gratitude. I know I am blessed with much good fortune and my son and I will be fine.

Trying2breathe, Are you hosting? I think if you are, then you need to set the tone for what you want. Your kids are adults? So, is being with the in-laws needed for them? Can you do a couple meals? Maybe meet them on the weekend for a meal somewhere? New traditions may be warranted. My NG did not want to go to my LH's big family Christmas party. 80 plus usually there. My son did not want him to go, either. He was invited by MIL. I think she knows if we don't do things with him, she won't see us. But he didn't want to hang with my LH's family , and I didn't blame him. But If I had an event at my house, my rules, my guests? What does NG think? If he is open to it, then he is very open minded and will do fine. Will you? Will your kids? My MIL has visited a couple times since I moved. NG has been around some. He notes the dynamics change completely with her presence. She kinda "owns" the room, but he is the new man in my life. I admire families that can blend all, but not realistic for most of us. IT IS NOT WRONG TO NOT WANT to MAKE INTRODUCTIONS. It is strange a death can transform all dynamics. BUT , if you and NG do the long term, he is your person, family, and they (in-laws) will shift. Just happens with most....

I went on a website so I marked my status as widowed. As most are divorced, I figured he could handle a widow if I could handle a live ex. And he has. 3 yrs soon! 😉. I am odd here. 4 yrs before I decided I wanted to recouple. An in law told me I would remarry at 4 months out! Told MIL at 4 months I believe. Knew it would change things and it did.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am right behind you . 7 yrs. in Jan. It is incredulous at times to think I lived without my LH for 7 yrs., when he was there for 28. HOW have I done it? 7 yrs. It is hard to wrap my brain around. I, like you, don't have crippling grief anymore, but sadness. Tears at unexpected times, especially around my son not having his great loving dad in his life. I did decide to date, and it is so complex. My simple life is gone. I understand.

Trying2breathe, WOW! I have never gone on vacation for 2 weeks ever. I hope you have an amazing trip and you and NG really grow closer. 😊 My developments. Not complaining, just my real life. NG ran out of all his money at the last custody hearing which was just continued. Nothing changed. He refinanced his home to get money for further court and to have money to do things with his kids. He upped his mortgage payment $400 a month now. He is stating he has to keep going and doing and if this is what it takes, he will do it. He has military retirement at age 60 and health care, so he is just focusing on that and his kids need him now. I can't pretend I understand. Maybe I would get it if I was in the same boat. I am not. I am in the boat of needing to get my son raised and be healthy to enjoy what ever time I am granted. So, next big family holiday is coming. NG takes his kids to his mother's, flying, and it is a large city, so they do all kinds of fun and expensive things. He feels the need to do so as his mother cares for the kids all summer and long school breaks. He has spent 1000s already for this long weekend. My plans fell through to go to the same city where I have family. My family decided not to host a Thanksgiving time, just lay low. So, NG and I are headed in different directions for the holidays. No discussion, just is what it is. My MIL is thrilled to have us come visit, already planning and it isn't Nov.! NG spent the weekend with me and escorted me to my son's state band competition. 5 hours in a car and we talked A LOT. We are very able to discuss difficulties, things that are important to us in our relationship. We really get along so well and are open. And there are the realities. I keep going.