tybec

happy anniversary! Do you think that is a sign of healing for you or just your norm since dates were not your way of celebrating? I think our brains/bodies have to let go as we aren't meant to stay in the state of grief and loss forever. You just can't, ya know. It is mind boggling to have this human, first love, father of your children, drift away but then always be a part of us. Our capacity to love, survive is hard to fathom. I have an only child. So maybe it is comparable to having more than one child You can have multiple children and love them all, not the same as they are different humans, so maybe similar to loving a new partner after having lost one? Hope you can reconcile it all somehow. Working on this myself.

I chose faith based on line as I wanted folks to at least state that was important in a partner. My guy I acknowledged first. I was not in his parameters for distance. I talked on the site for about one week. He couldn’t meet with me anyway with his kids schedule. First time available I met for lunch half way between us. I wrote him telling him I knew we needed to meet face to face to see if there truly was some chemistry because on line is so unnatural. DH and I made no sense but had 28 yrs together. Chemistry ❤️ So after face to face, we kept going. I had asked him to be honest on line and not ghost me. Honesty so important to me. He agreed. He is honest to a fault. Prefaces sometimes if I really want to know something when I ask. 😉. Good luck!

Thank you T2B. I have always felt I have somehow gotten through this tragedy better since I know children who live with so much more loss, pain and trauma than I have ever had. I lost my half, but had a great love story. Many kids I see start out with great loss for their foundation. It helps me to put things in perspective when I feel really sorry for myself. The custody hearing was delayed until Aug. when school starts. NG was happy for the timing as we are in the state where they passed 50/50 parenting presumptive law. He was a great role in that. It is a landmark law. He hopes it will make a difference but suspects the judge will take things very slow, no knee jerk decisions because there is a new law. The power thing, again. Please take good care of you and your momma. You wrote her treatments start today. Healing prayers and thoughts your way.

My wedding ring..... My LH had found a jeweler he used. My LH was an aircraft mechanic and the jeweler has his own little prop plane, so they could talk shop. Well, LH started getting me pieces here and there, nothing very expensive as that is not me. When he died, the jeweler's wife wrote me a card telling me the story of my LH taking my son, about age 5 and letting him pick something for me for Christmas. My son found something, and she looked over at my husband as it was more expensive, I guess, than he typically spent or something, and my LH said, "Wrap it up for your Momma!" She noted it was a sweet situation to observe, and she would never forget my LH because of it. I have since seen a similar commercial on tv like that! She was kind to take the time to write me that story. Well, I have my wedding ring and the jeweler has done a lot of repair work on it and other pieces. So, I want to have it made into something else and take another ring he got me and somehow design them together. I went in at about 4 yrs. to fix my watch, and I started to tell him what I wanted to do and burst into tears. I am still waiting to go do it, but have to be able to do so. <sigh> LH had his wedding band redone. He designed it how he liked it. He could never wear it due to his job, though. So, I am keeping that band and maybe our son will want it just that way since it is a one of kind.

Yes, the 2nd yr was very hard. You survive the first, and it is kinda like, “I did it! What’s my reward? Do I wake up, and it was a dream?” And all the support drops considerably. It’s been a yr., still not over it? And you have to face that your life as planned is shattered and somehow you have to take this broken picture and make something from it but there is no picture to go off of to even start. No puzzle picture to start the borders even. Yes, hard. I understand. It gets better ....... slowly but it is hard to wait. Keep swimming, LF.

Thanks T2B and :Portside. Good insight. T2B - Yes, you are right. I am a child sexual trauma treatment specialist (1997 started) , and I know more than the average bear. I took a break when my LH died in a car accident, my own trauma. I knew the family court judges personally. I have been here in my new town 6 months and learning the ropes of the new family court judges. I tell NG those things are trivial, but he says it is different in a custody battle. His ex brings up stuff like PG-13 movies are not allowed, and I am dealing with kids who saw murders of their family members. BUT the judges have great power. His attorney already told him his judge is conservative and does not like sleepovers. It is a voted position but much power once there. Local attorneys don't debate as they have to live and make a living here. I know a judge who did shock probation for a sexual offender which is the against the law. Nobody questioned it. You go to church with the same people! I understand. I am volunteering for a foster care review board now. I was a therapist for a time for Therapeutic Foster Care agency. I don't know how the judge does not pull his hair out hearing about brushing teeth twice a day when I know he hears my client's cases next. Ugghhhh... Portside makes a point. NG is direct, needs to be told (as Portside stated) , and responds well if I am not over the top emotional or exaggerating things. I did call him on the lack of physical touch, and he commented, "I was courting you then." I told him he is never to stop courting me. 🙄😃 He really is a good guy, but has told me he can be "obtuse." Take good care of your mom, T2B. Tough stuff, taking care of aging parents and having your own kids. The sandwich generation is for real. Hope she responds well.

Funny stuff sharing space. Our last couple weeks with no kids has been fun and not realistic. He asked me to stay over at his place last night for reciprocity. He had no food, no coffee, and the house is a play room for his kids except his room. I wonder if he will pack his bag more often 😉. I make dinner, breakfast, and HOST him in a way. I have a home for 5, and his home is big enough but a child's play room and man cave. He can enjoy that! He has been at my home with my son a lot. So, he is understanding our routine, and my son is comfortable enough to share his teen attitude, also. 😳 I don't see his kids enough to really be more than just a gf. He does not want his kids to tell others they spend all their time with me and my son, so we don't. AND that was part of the discussion. I am not to be hidden away or not even be touched in front of his sons. He says it is temporary until court, but it is so dysfunctional. So unnatural. Sitting by me or holding my hand is too PDA? wow He heard my concerns of this unrealistic expectation of interaction. I have shared his kids have no one but elderly grandparents then to show how a couple interacts and he feels they are part of the divorce problem and they are. Anyway. I was married by 21 yrs. old so, Arneal, though we were comfortable staying at my parents or my LH's mother's, I was a grown married woman. So, I don't know what it will be like with adult children and visiting as I was a true adult then. Their home was not mine. So maybe not an only child thing? My 3 brothers and I were all gone by 22, college degrees and careers started. I know that is not the norm at all now.

Did the LinkedIn account early, Julestar,, oh and Twitter. Still have an email as I have a couple accounts he set up and they are a bear to change to me only, a password app is one. So, there is still that. NG shared I had more to move on from LH. He couldn't say what, but I am sure I still have so much linked. Just a process of a life completely being altered. Divorce forces you to do it and probably, many want no connection. Different with widowhood.

Well, NG is hanging with me as it is his off week from his kids and my teen is on a mission trip. Father’s Day was fine, and I enjoyed having his mom to do girly things with and get to know her better. I waited until Monday night to bring up things. I was calm, logical, direct and he heard me. He validated me, which was probably what I needed most. He did state after Aug. he has hopes to move forward in his life, not just live to worry about what his ex may bring up in court. It is his choice. He is getting tired of it all and states he understands I deserve something stable to keep going. I have things to attend to with my mother’s estate and told him I wasn’t ready to have a partner to bring into that. So, I am holding off, too. It worked well and I am glad to discuss it in an even keel manner. So venting may be good tension release but the real deal is better to discuss calmly. It is so different than in a 28 yr relationship but working well. ( breathe)

Leadfeather, That is a fantastic gift. That is the kind of things I hope to instill in my child. The last father's day gift I had my then 7 yr. old son sing a song he and his dad sang all the time together, "Watching you." My son, added on his own ending, to my surprise. My LH said it was the best gift a dad could get. Your young men sound very grounded, learning early on what matters. 😊

This was my first Father's day without my son ever, as he left for a mission trip yesterday morning. I did okay, and I did girly stuff with NG"s mother as he made plans with his father and his mother wanted an out as they are divorced and have been for years. This was the 7th one without LH. It is still hard to comprehend. I have always skipped church with my son and done something, just the two of us, special. So, different all the way around. I hope he did okay being distracted with other kids. We were at the church, so we had to hear special praise to the dad's and such, why I skip church on this day.

This may sound silly to some of you, but I DID IT. I memorialized my LH's FB page. It took me 6 yrs. and 4 months to do. I am a FB addict. After LH died, it was my outlet to people without actually talking to people. I worked all day and would come home, take care of my child and then at night, alone, FB. I could lurk and cry, be angry and sometimes smile. I wrote and shared, too. I had SOME social interaction in a way without leaving my home. I didn't find this site until almost 2 years out! So, I did the memorialized page. I made myself the legacy a while back and downloaded the whole thing as you can, and now it is frozen in time. Strange, that for some reason, THIS was a big deal. I have moved, new home, new job, new life, New GUY, but had hung on to this. I let it go. Widowhood.........,<sigh>

J3, Happy you have found this special someone! Exciting! I think all you feel is normal. You can’t put it in a right or wrong. Just is. And some things will be irrational, and some things will be based on reality. I think the irrational things become easier to manage as you realize they are just that. Changing those feelings about reality is tough. Good luck with the next step! Sounds they all are wanting to get to know you! ❤️

Thank you Arneal and Tryiing2breathe, I must have been on the same vibe, because I did what you all suggested prior to getting here to read. I didn't push it. He could tell I was short on the phone when he would call on his way to and from work, and I played it off as work related, which was 50% true. I felt abandoned and will talk about it when he is back by himself. But, he did pick up the contact after I didn't talk to him a couple days (he only text or called when I was working) and had short texts. He picked up my son and took him to the pool where his mother was with the his kids. That was very nice. His birthday is today, and I am going to be happy girlfriend. We have dinner out and I'll have dessert at my house. This all came together this a.m. Part of the concerns. We had talked about all this, and then no confirmation and then this morning throwing it together. I don't understand all that. How can WE plan and then it falls apart and it is their plan and I am welcome to join? Anyway, we will discuss later when he does not have the kids and his mother to tend to. You are right Arneal. I am looking at just because the custody hearing is happening, does not mean it will be smooth suddenly. I need steadiness, dependability. I had that, a rock, a knowing I had a safe haven in my home. I need something to assure me of that even when he is occupied. My stuff, my needs. THANKS!

Summer schedule. NG has his kids every other week starting last week. His mom got here Sunday to do childcare and spend time with the grandchildren while he works. I wanted to be wrong. This is our 3rd summer dating. AND I have seen him for about 45 minutes since Friday morning. I have had a couple days of only texting. That is it. Same as the previous summers but I LIVE in the same city now. He states after Aug, perhaps we can work on integrating in our home? . We have vacation planned together in July. I am venting, so I know I am whining here, so please don't attack me about it. Did I know what I was getting into? NO, I could not have imagined. Other families figure out how to blend. How hard is it? His oldest is having integration issues and had to go see his mother today. He has never been like that before. What the heck? I had to go by his place Friday to get beer out of his fridge as he couldn't have it in there with the kids there. It would be brought up in court. Never mind his ex FIL is a country club lush. And his ex SIL has tweets to show her lack of class in managing herself. OH, GEEZ. Can it get easier? WHEN? I know. Talk to him. Maybe it is better right now we are not talking. He has his kids and his mother to care for and manage. I did offer to take his mother out Sunday as my kid is gone on a missions trip that a.m. for a week and NG made plans with his father and brothers, and she is glad I offered. WE will have a girls' day.

WW, I understand your frustration. Wifeless wrote a long note trying to explain the complexity of losing your mate, different from losing anyone else in your life. People try but can't understand. Walking in someone's shoes require intention, and honestly, as a dear friend told me in a long letter, she didn't want to. She did not want to think about herself losing her husband early and rearing her kids alone. She wants to post on FB about how hard it is to be a working mom and have two active kids, with her husband still very much alive and involved and paternal grandparents at her beck and call. Some days it is no big deal to read about a "Hunter's Widow" and other days, it hits your last nerve. I understand. The years going by does ease that frustration. They don't know, what they don't know.

That is my mission. To raise a well adjusted adult who will be resilient and do all he was supposed to do despite losing his dad at an early age. And to live to see it. My teen is doing well, not perfect, but I still cross my fingers. Headed into HS, and I know lots can change. I am humbled as I know great parents that have kids that make their own choices and not good ones! Praying it maintains as well. I am proud of him. But cautiously optimistic, too. 6 1/2 yrs. out.

Klim - OH boy. How difficult! You were on it. But so hard. My NG's birthday is Thursday, and he will be 46. My DH died 6 weeks prior to his 46 birthday, driving to work one morning, one car accident. I have been irrational thinking of NG driving to work these past few weeks. Our brains go overdrive on some things. BUT YOUR situation was the real deal. Glad he got in the doctor and is on the mend.

Beautiful! Thanks for sharing your JOY!

Well, the weekend is here! And NG has his kids for the first week of summer vacation and his mom comes in Sunday. His birthday is next week and father's day. He and I spent almost the whole week together this past week. He did not have his kids and my teen was at camp. We had a good time, working, worked out or walked nightly, not being alone. He would say things like, "When we marry..... Or When we are in the same house....." It feels good. It seems more real to him. I am waiting it out. Aug. is the custody hearing, and so there is that to consider. AND a year ago in July we talked about moving in together and getting engaged. It all went on hold when his ex moved the children back to the school next to his home. We do have our vacation planned, but separate quarters, and I paid my way. I am fine about all that. We will see what happens. Went to his church Sunday, and the lesson in Sunday school was on Leviticus and about sexual immorality. We had a lively discussion as we are the only unmarrieds and then a single woman who attends. I don't think they bargained for it. Vast views, but I did share my piece about the bible says things without considering the government aspects at all we have. I would have felt very black and white about it years ago, but life threw me a curve ball, and I hear other's stories, and nothing is that simple to me now. I feel like I have been humbled and that is a good thing really. Anyway...... rambling......

My parents were married 56 yrs. and have a double plot and stone. My mother passed in Nov. She opted to be cremated. My father was buried 12 yrs prior. I don't think she wanted that then, but changed over the years, especially since my DH died. We are going to bury her remains at the plot but we scattered some of them on the family farm last week. My point is she changed, too and then we did something that was meaningful to us, also. i like the idea of splitting the remains if cremated. It makes sense as you share a life with both, a history. My DH is in a veterans' cemetery, so I expect to be on the back side, regardless of if I remarry. My remains won't be there as his are not, either. Good luck with negotiating. Makes you wonder what folks did back in the old days when death was very common young, so remarriaged occurred frequently.

Yes, 100% a sign. I don't believe in coincidences. I have been prepared for everything in my life, all the struggles. I couldn't always see it but then it became clear. So, yes, I believe this is a sign. I could tell you so many signs. I call them God Winks, based on the book. There is no way things have happened to me by chance. And it started way before DH's death. What was in the inscription?

Yes, KK. Went through this about 3 yrs. out. A late bloomer compared to some. At my church, a hot guy became widowed 2 years after me. Our kids played soccer together. He worked where my LH worked, retired army. He was just my type. His wife was supportive to my son as she lost her dad to cancer as a young child and then she developed it and did not survive the 2 year intense battle. I would look for this man's truck, cross paths at soccer, summer day camp, soap box derby things through our church. I felt like a teen. I text him he could talk to me anytime, which he never did. It was uncomfortable, this feeling I had. A friend at church told me I should pursue him, as we both were widowed. What a story our church would have had! Well, it never came about. Ironically, we both put our houses on the market and moved last summer to other cities. We both just sold our homes after a year. Another widow friend with a similar history to mine, one love from early teens, just started "feeling" again for a guy that lives down the road from her. She is uncomfortable, also. She knows him, crosses similar social circles. He is not likely her type, she says, but she is feeling again, and, states she is glad to feel though uncomfortable. Teen angst. I got a call from another widow I know, less well. She started on line dating and it is a little over a year since her DH died. She wanted some assurance she was not "crazy" as she is talking to a man 2 hours away. All she was sharing, been there. Must be pretty normal? Good luck with feeling again. IMHO, better than being numb.

Good to hear from you, Duckie. You are right. Seems we are the stage of life of great news is always followed with some sad news. I relate it to a train track. We are all on two tracks and simultaneously have positives and distress going on at the same time. Depending on who, what, where, depends on which track you lean on more. NG started new job. I am proud and happy for him. I had not seen him since the Wed. before and did not want to pressure him to see me with adjusting to his new commute and job. Talked to him Tuesday night, and he asked to come over. Into the evening all snuggled up, he said we need to marry, or at least get engaged. Talked about moving in together. I was surprised. There was no alcohol involved. 😉 I told him yes, some day we will but he has some things to sort through first. YES. I SAID THAT! I am shocked at my response, but I do think he needs to get this custody situation straightened out. Now that is in Aug for the first court date. SO, I don't know what time frame he was thinking. But, I just was not ready to change things soon. WHO IS THIS WOMAN? You think you know what you want, and then, in your face, you change? YUP. fickle. I think with my Memorial to my mom, the sale of the house the 18th, Mother's Day, the family farm up for sale, I have a lot to go through and adding a partner to that too, seems to be a need to wait it out. Just a while. So, my new development. Honestly, NG probably means like next year or something as he is Mr. planner and will not jump either, so there is that. But I am thrilled he shared this, as I wondered if we were just playing house for a while, and that won't work for me. I thought I could but I know that just is not me. Didn't hurt my LMFT brother who has published a lot in the Journal of Marriage and Family shared some info. that made me go, Yeah. I know who I am, but I think the time with my family reminded me, also. Rambling. Enjoy the weekend.

Oh Mizpah! You wrote some thoughts I never could let out. I, at least, have NG who is divorced and is thankful NOT to be married to her. She left him but I have to admit, I prefer his negative feelings to when he shares cute things about his marriage. And his many girlfriends. Never mind he is dealing with my 28yr old relationship and son. Thank you for articulating these thoughts. I understand.