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First, it is difficult! Don’t be too hard on yourself. You have bent over backwards it appears to maintain a family relationship but others will never think it is enough most of the time. I applaud you for all you have done. You are an only parent, widowed young, taking care of your son and working full time! That is incredible to maintain! Yes, I have in laws but really just granny. The whole family is great but you have to go to them. Granny is in poor health due to a hard life style and poor choices. My LH convinced her to move to us before we had a son. It was his duty to care for her, as he was an only child. Large family but just the two of them for yrs. Move forward and LH dies in a car accident. Granny starts preparing my son to care for her. Nope, not his job. Not his job to take care of me. I started dating 4 yrs out and moved last yr which Iead to her move back home. Lots of family (over 25 nieces and nephews to step up and they do.) My son loves her dearly but we are 3 hrs apart, and I am working like you, only parent, new life and busy. My son is now 15 so he has his own life. Weekends are full of his choices of activities, and it is good. She has accepted it. It is a good life he has. But she can still say things that make me feel guilty. It is hard. We didn’t ask for this but relationships change permanently over time. She now tells him he can drive to see her next yr. well, we will see. Same as you. Sit on his phone or watch tv as that is what she can do. An overnight is enough and that’s what WE do, not just him. She drove herself to the hospital when having a stroke so I don’t let her drive him. She told two doctors she’d do it again. Nope, not with my kid. I ended up setting boundaries she didn’t like. She communicates with him mostly but he can’t make arrangements so he directs her to me then. She can come visit any time, and I’ll drive her around here. She has twice. Feels like a divorce sometimes. Saw her this weekend at my kid’s band competition in our former town. She chose to stay in our former town than drive and stay with us. Asked him when he was coming for Christmas. Specifically “ Am I gonna get to see you at Christmas?” Guilt him? I told her it wasn’t November yet. Let’s get through thanksgiving. We will get up there. Raising you up. I hope you figure out something that works. It is just another collateral damage snowball of loss. You have done a lot!

Happy dance! Congratulations 🍾🎈🎉! You stuck it out and it came around! You did it!

Never dreamed to be here. Like us all. May need to learn to enjoy dating and companionship as blending families is so difficult with everything involved. I had my ideal and am changing what that can be. Yes, I desperately miss my life of committed dad-Mom and child (children). And acceptance of that, and there is no Brady bunch may be my best choice. Keeping on. So thankful for all the sharing. My married and even divorced friends can’t grasp it well. But I guess I couldn’t either if the tables were turned.

I had Turkish food at one of the college towns we visited fall break. Laid on the floor on pillows and ate. It was an experience. Forgot to mention. As I go through what I have described as a mid life or identity crisis, NG stated he will wait patiently as he wants no one else. I really am twisted up about who I am, what I want/need, etc. I guess that is expected uprooting myself after 22 years in the same town even if I did start dating before I moved. And learning who I am in a town NO ONE knows me. A psychologist friend stated it must be liberating. WEll, it would be if I had sought being widowed. I think she must have compared it to her divorce. Anyway. Big realization. My son is bonding with NG. NG does try to relate to him and include him in activities with his boys when he can. He says things to my son I cannot as his mother. I had not seen it but the last couple weeks, it was undeniable. My NG told me he knew it, and he did not know why I did not see it. AND it is more than about just me. His kids spend little time with me and the oldest always is running to the bathroom, nervous stomach. He has mental health treatment for many issues, and I am very familiar as a kid therapist. NG noted his kid has to learn to adapt to the new environment, and he is sure the ex and family do not help him to do so. I was glad he noted adapt, not just give up as I was afraid he might in all his pressure. I still have a great fear he will abandon me , if his ex found a way to state hitching up to me and my son is damaging to their children. I wanted to believe this town and professionals involved would not fall for all that, but it is a good old boys network. I am learning to work in it. I have child welfare cases with the same family court judge. I am taking my time. Thanks for the ear.

Glad to hear it is coming together! Thanks so much for the update! Not sure about the benefits for your kids. I got my letter, also. I lose my survivor benefits when my son turns 16 which is next fall, so I am prepared for that anyway. I didn't qualify for any when I worked full time. Maybe that is the difference? Still have to check on all that. I have assets set up for my son from LH's life insurance. I can't touch a lot of it but it throws out any assistance, then like for health insurance. But I am working it out okay. Happy to hear about the blending working out. Have to have some things to work through. How could you not? Keep us in the loop. Makes me smile.

Julestar, I am glad I am not the only one with this ^^^^^^^. NG used to clean his place spotless when I would come over for a date night. Now over 2 1/2 years, he is just him. He states I never come over anymore. Well, I have my own home, and it is picked up with food and relatively clean. I have stated he has the "man cave" . And he does. It is the "Museum a la R" is what I tease. Camo bedroom, military paraphernalia all over the walls, and his children's things in the living room, play room/loft, kitchen covering the island, desk and sun room. You can't get in the garage easily as their stuff is everywhere. His thought is to leave things as they were so when they return, it is "home." May be the female being raised by parents who married in 1950, but I can't handle it. So, my house mostly for visits. I had not decorated my new home. We had talked summer of 2017 about being under the same roof. Since that did not happen, I am now decorating how I see fit. I changed all furniture and colors to start a new life, new home from my LH. So, gonna keep going. Bought curtains and hung them today! 😉 Did a road trip fall break with dear son. It was to reconnect with my few years at college when I was on my own and late husband was in the Marines. Took my son to walk where my side of the family went to college, and for him to get a sense of the world outside of our small little pond. Took a visit to another college where friends took us for a tour. It was good to remember who I was and my roots. Moving forward always.

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You articulated well some feelings/thoughts I have, too. So it must just happen. 7 years soon for me. I don't know why it keeps lingering. I think about when in interviews they ask what your 5 yr. plan is, and I don't know. I just took my dear son on a road trip for fall break to my university for a visit, 27 yrs since graduation. He won''t choose this school, but there is so much history for me and my family as 5 of us went there, and my father was employed through there. And I started visiting the college when around 7 years old due to my brothers' attending as they are 15 years older. I think I needed to remember who I was becoming as I was away from DH the entire time in college as he did his military time. I am turning the BIG one in 6 months and struggling with who I am, what I want to be, and gearing up for my son's next phase of life which will be here SOON! I took from it my roots, my ability to be on my own, the ability to get my son his wings from the roots he has. I am getting there. But I never expected to have to do this, or for it to take this long, as you noted. Slow process and progress. Thanks for sharing. I understand.

Yes, CW. I hear you and understand. Only parenting is hard. There are some single parents out there, not widowed, but only parents, too. I think they get it, also. Some days, I just can let it roll off my back, and other days, it is like the scream painting happening inside. I understand. PS Good luck on the cub scouts. My son did his scouting until we moved to a new town and was finished at 13. His dad had started him in it. We had a good group of men to support, so I was not a volunteer. But my NG just resigned from his Cub Master position. His kids quit liking it, and he got tired of the drama of it all with their mom, and with the poor volunteers. Too busy, expecting him to do it all and even a confrontation to get popcorn money from the treasurer that went MIA for 3 months. It IS a great organization for kids, and your volunteering is a BIG deal. THANKS for finding the time, when lots of parents do not.

Klim, Your post resonated with me. My LH was ADHD, text book. High school years were like most teens, and no diagnosis of it then. A good 'whooping" when he was younger was the family's handling. Marine Corp. helped him organize and become disciplined, but as an adult, it came back to the point he pursued treatment after a psych. eval. by my colleague, a neuropsychologist. He was energetic, life of the party, silly and worked with kids great. I lived with it at home, and it was just the way it was. Anxiety was a comorbidity problem and as he moved up in his career, it reared its head. We made it through. Good luck with with your guy and figuring all that out. T2T, Thank your for your input. I am sorting through a lot. I feel I have "beaten a dead horse" here and need to get on with it. 2028 is the year NG talks of us having our time, when his youngest is 18. My son will be out of the house likely in 2022. I expect it. I love HIM. He is a good man, excellent father, and we can and have spent hours talking together about anything. He brings a complementary part of himself to my personality. He challenges me in my thinking and brought up about my "ideals" (Bunny;-)) He is a loyal and honest man, transparent. WE are great together, but it is not just us to consider. I know there are no guarantees in life. I am "growing up" in a new relationship, changing my schemas as they say in psychology. He has agreed to be patient with me as I sort through my stuff. Again appreciate the input. I believe I am becoming tiring to many. Thanks.

So hard to wrap your brain around, right? To comprehend all that has happened to you, with you in the last decade of your life. You have had a roller coaster of rides this last 9 years for sure. Thank you for sharing. All of it. 7 yrs. is coming for me. How have we done this? Keep on keeping on.

Bunny, thank you. You have a way of writing and sharing that is helpful, challenging without being snarky or plain rude. I do not disagree with your assessment of my situation. I appreciate your well thought out comments and honesty. Arneal, pm me the book, please. I mentioned to NG I think we should do premarital counseling. A pastor friend who was there for me when DH died noted me dating and shared that divorcing alone does not solve problems and to be cautious of someone divorced for their own healing. Ending a relationship does not always "fix" the problems. AND I have my own stuff, obviously. My marriage was not perfect, for sure. And later in life brings on so much more in experiences. Good, bad and ugly. But workable, as seen by folks here that recouple. Arneal, I agree about the best friend. and my LH was my best friend. I didn't talk to others about us. It was respect and trust. I am not there yet with NG. Anyway. THANKS all!

PROUD FOR YOU, ROOSHY. Glad your son took the bull by the horns. I, too, have a hard time at these events. My son's elementary school did Donuts with Dads. My neighbor of 17 yrs. took him several years after his dad died. I hated it had to happen like that. My friend has her child at a private school, and they changed it to DUDES and donuts, so her son can take any male as his dad lives 3 hours away due to divorcing. They are kinda archaic now, and schools should know. My son's school had homecoming week, and they were clever, I think. Superheros versus villains. Country versus country club. Scholars vs. ballers. Fiesta or siesta? (Party wear or PJs). They made tie dye after school one day, and that is for today. No parent references. I know so many grandparents rearing children, again, I think they would change things. AGAIN, happy for you.

T2B, You bring up a good point. I am so glad your co-hosting worked well. Friends groups matter. You are so right about another dynamic. NG and I have had up and downs, and I didn't want to vent all over the site. We are talking, working out things. It is very easy for me to go to girlfriends who tell me what I want to hear or protect me. I talked out with him some things, and I really was absorbed with my side, and when I heard his side and feelings/thoughts, I had to rethink mine. Valid points. Things to mull over. I did have a new thought. I am very busy if my son continues marching band. So, last weekend, I had all that, and my MIL came down for my son's birthday, and NG's kid-free weekend was spent alone as I had things. I thought, well, he can feel how it feels. He said, "well, double standard." Huh... So, maybe I may need to wait and get my kid graduated from HS. This is so not my thinking a year ago. But, there is so much involved with 3 kids. And he has such a schedule, and it is sacred, and we will be going separate ways often. WE have rare couple moments with others therefore. And this would give him time to work out all these custody things. But that could lead to us growing apart. He is now ready to marry when I am ready. I have so much financial things to reconcile and plan, and a year from now I will have to go back to work full time. Lots of changes. So, rambling here. Lots to consider. Full weekend with band, and he has his kids. We are doing a tri-marathon Sunday together involving caving as one third, but I am hiking 2 parts, and not bicycling the third due to back issues. It is kid friendly, so no big pressure as he has little guys. His kids are not in shape, and the oldest is overweight, and he is concerned as the doctor has brought it up. He wants his kids to have a healthy lifestyle and does not see their mother doing it. So, we do active things. The oldest is starting to buck, too. Just so much. GLAD to hear from you! Happy Weekend.

Thanks for sharing, Julester3. I am sorry it is so hard for our kids. You show hope that us other parents and kids will get through it as you and your daughters did, though difficult. Your girls sound amazing.

Trying2breathe, How did the entertaining go? That is a big step!

OH, what a turn of a day! Glad you are having an easier time this year. But sad that you understand what the other family is dealing with. Hope your day goes as you hope. Massage and dinner with your sons. Very nice plan.

Julester3, Right there with you I have a marching band kid! And this is all new to me, us. And he started competitions 2 weeks ago. So, I am all by myself seeing this amazing thing I never knew was possible, and his dad is not there to cheer him on. They recognized seniors at this last one and the kids apparently write out a "shout out" to whomever in their statement. And parents come to walk with them and take pictures. I did notice single folks, grandparents, and even a same sex couple. I will be a mess that day regardless. My son knows I will cry. I broke down at church at his confirmation service which was the sanctuary where we had is father's funeral. It is just hard. He seems to hold it together, a 15 yr. old teen male. But he has been saying he misses his dad more often. Sometimes I wish he would cry to let me know he is processing things. But maybe not his way. I know it is hard to see your child grieve, but I am glad you and your daughter had a moment together❤️ That is actually a real precious moment, don't you think? Even if painful, you were together and shared.

Funny how you can live, and live without! My husband and I married, and he finished his BA, and I went on and got my Masters. We both worked two part time jobs, and we both got jobs in our schools, me, a grad assistant position and he, a lab assistant job. We survived on his GI bill and stipends, all hand me down stuff. After we bought a house, he would sometimes say, "Boy, the mortgage, full time job, all the debt and responsibilities, sometimes those first years of marriage were the best!." When I looked for a new home, in my late 40s, I went to many homes that had young couples with babies and small children, and I wondered how the heck they could afford this kind of home so young! Just different now.

Hello all, Klim, I don't have your experience, so not sure how to help. By 21 I was married (almost 30 years ago now) and on my own with some support but adulting. This whole thing of adult children living at home is not familiar to me, although VERY common now. I was on the other end, sandwich generation, taking care of my kid and elderly parents. Good luck with all that. I enjoyed my first band competition with my son. It is really quite amazing what you can get these teens to do! And a football game. And I started helping with youth small groups at church this Sunday, and I think I am really going to like it. So, a full weekend, sans the NG. We went 3 days with only texting. This is the 2nd weekend in a row of him with his boys and no contact except text, brief. I am going to see how the next one comes about in 2 weeks. I can't justify it. So, seeing how things roll. DS has birthday Wednesday officially. I asked his best friend and his mother to go out to eat. We will be the "dead Dads club." His new friend lost his dad the same year and his birthday was yesterday, same age. My son and he met the summer we moved here at church camp and then ended up at the same church! Small world. We have plans for a concert to attend in Dec., too. Branching out. Complexities at this stage of life. Is it guaranteed to be complicated? Or is it the choices we make? Hmmmmm......

I am sorry . I misunderstood your post? Good luck. Frustrated, understand that. We are required to take the steps out to reach goals. It is not fair, but we all have had to learn it. I learned it kicking and screaming. I wanted God to bring the man to my front door. Didn't happen. Still dealing with the reality of this world of dating when I never planned to have to again. Take your time. Proof is on this site that life continues and can be wonderful, single or recoupled.

Wheelerswife, You are a pro at this! How did I never get it together at Clarksville, which was 20 minutes from me before moving? I know there are widows at FT. Campbell, but they tend to move back home, so they are not there. Anyway, let me know.

Well, lots of feelings/thoughts. Joy, some confusion, hope and love. Had a great birthday for my kid, and it is continuing. I am making it okay. My dear friend who is widowed, also, is on her sadiversary,time, and I hope to meet with her soon. Her husband had cancer, and Sept. is the end of the end of a short but awful treatment process. Her daughter just got engaged,and I know all about the joys of great news and sadness of not sharing it with your spouse/father of your kids. NG and I are very busy with our schedules for our kids. .We have a joint calendar now to reconcile all our responsibilities,. I am filling my life up with things to be full, and I have a "tribe" of women I am starting to get closer to for lots of reasons NG told me Friday night he was ready to marry me when I want to marry. He has shared things like this before, but lots of things have been said. I had told him a while ago I had to get my house in order, my mother's estate, the family farm sold, and I was not about to marry before that. I told him I wanted a prenup, too. Well, I guess he has mulled it all over, and he now is ready when I am. OH my! What a turn of events! My brain and heart are one place and all along he has been on this other track. He states he has been consistent, and that is true, but the lack of time is a big factor for me. Our communication needs improvement. He is Logical to a fault. I can be fickle. I will take the time I need to decide when and how. He has a lot to get taken care of, also. When I asked him about this change given all, he said he did not want to lose me. AND I have plans for me and my dear son. Some traveling to do as my financial person told me to go for it. I am quite conservative, but my financial planner, who is widowed, also, monitors me well. He lost his wife 7 months after my LH died. He travels a lot, through his work and has adopted two kids from Africa and has an educational program set up in his LW's name there. He is remarried, too. I trust him. So, my life. 😊

Well, my NG sent me flowers. That is his go to for letting me know he appreciates me or he is sorry. He has been out of the loop for a week, now. We talk or text a little daily. He knows he is not good company and said so. I am not either but I am coming out if. Keeping busy. He did plan a date for tomorrow night. I splurged and am taking my son and a couple friends to a theme park this weekend. We did this as a family for his birthday when he was little, so it is new/old thing. He is very excited to share this with new friends who have never been there, for some reason. Hoping to make some really good memories for him. Happy weekend!