daysofelijah

I changed to my new husband's last name and changed my middle name to my maiden name. I never cared for first husband's last name, and don't really care for new husband's last name either. I like my maiden name and use it one for the most part online. I would have preferred to just go back to my maiden name and not taken new husband's last name, but he wanted me to. Changing my middle name was my compromise with myself.

Hi everyone! I thought I might give an update on what happened with the financial aspects after marriage. Since it was something I seriously worried about and could never get a straight answer from anyone at SS or the county. My kids still receive all their survivor's benefits and the money that I received was all redistributed into their payments. So I don't technically get any benefits anymore, but we get the same amount through my kids. I also got an update letter that we no longer need to do representative payee reports, so no more yearly telling them what I did with the money we received. As far as insurance, the kids still qualify for Medical Assistance, so they are completely covered. I no longer qualify for MA with my husband's income, but they did move me to MNCare so I pay a very small fee every month for state insurance. So everything has worked out so far. Hopefully in the next couple years I plan to go from working as a half-time teacher to full-time, then I will be able to get off the state insurance and go through my job instead. I'm happy with how things are for now. Otherwise the family blending has it's ups and downs. DH's son (18) has given us considerable trouble about making decisions about where he is going to live, etc. Currently he sleeps here at our house, but is otherwise never here. Which is fine for now I guess. New DH has had some struggles with our differences in discipline. He's the old fashioned "dad's way or the highway" type, where I tend to be much more relaxed. But we work things out. And in all I am very happy, it is a good life. It is worth the struggles to have the someone there to snuggle with at night and wake up with in the morning. I still stop by to read updates sometimes and like hearing how life is going for all of you as well!

I'm a K-5 elementary media specialist. We don't go back until the day after Labor Day Good luck with your new school year!

I used to be super conservative, and late dh was the only person I had ever been with. But after a couple years I was seriously needing that physical connection again. NG was cautious about getting too physical too fast, and wanted to make sure it didn't get in the way of us getting to know each other and becoming friends first. We only waited a couple months though, mostly because of me. The first time was "different", felt kind of awkward to me. But it didn't take long to get past that and things were wonderful.

I'm glad you are working things out with your fiance. I will be cremated and I know my new husband also wants to be cremated. I would like to be next to him in the mausoleum, or wherever we decide to be "buried". New husband doesn't really care what happens to the ashes. My first husband's family wanted him to be buried in the family plot. They offered me the plot next to him, but being only 36 I knew I would probably want to be married again, so I went with a single stone for him.

My favorite photo of the day.

I have tried to get a photo on here a few times, but it keeps telling me the size is too big, maybe I got it this time. We had a great warm day for our wedding, two weeks ago now. It was perfect, a small ceremony in a garden by the river. The "ceremony" was only about 10 minutes. Things are going well, my kids still balk sometimes against having more rules in place with two parents again, but it's good for everyone overall. My youngest has started to call him Dad once in a while. I think the older 3 will always call him by his name, which is fine. Late dh died when Eden was just 9 months old so she never knew him, the others have memories of their dad. His son is supposed to be moving in with us, but is dragging his feet. I have a feeling the situation is not going to end well. But I'm pretty much staying out of it, and offering support as much as I can. He is letting his house go back to the bank. So his son (18) is still living there, but that can't happen too much longer. We can't afford two houses, and his son doesn't contribute anything. I'm happy to be married finally though, to have him here every morning when I wake up, and every night to go to bed. To kiss goodbye before work, and to know he is coming home again afterwards. My first marriage wasn't great, we were both selfish and expected the other to make us happy. I know so much more now, and am confident that we both are going into this with realistic expectations of what a marriage and partnership requires. Thanks everyone for your support over the years. I still check in, even though I don't post much. This board has been a blessing to be able to read about and share similar experiences of widowhood.

I was a teacher when dh and I married. After a few years I stayed home with the kids and did home daycare. I had been working towards my master's when I got pregnant and dh got cancer. So I put that on hold for a couple more years after dh passed. Once my youngest was nearly three I went back to work part time and have worked part time ever since. Working part time was perfect for me. I teach, so my days are mostly the same as my kids school days. I was able to get the social life I needed and keep my teaching license current, but also still collect full survivor's benefits. I also continued to work on the master's degree I had been working on before dh was diagnosed with cancer. Now my youngest has finished kindergarten and I have remarried, so after next year I hope to move into a full time teaching position. I think the part time choice was the best choice for us to begin with. Is there a possibility you can start with a part time job, that will still allow you to be around more as the children need you?

It's hard to know everything kids feel when a NG comes into the situation. My kids have all had struggles at different times over the last three years with NG and our relationship. Idk, this is just my opinion, and keep in mind I was raised very conservative. But this seems really soon to be having your NG sleeping over and talking about moving in. I don't wonder why your daughter is freaked out about it. The way you wrote it, it sounds like you told her "this is how it is, this is what's happening" not, "what would you think if..." or "how would you feel about...". A new man that's only been around for 5-6 months moving in is a lot to take in for a 16 year old, esp one who lost their father. I'd caution you to take things slower and wait until you have been together at least a year to start talking about moving in together. That's just my viewpoint of a situation where older kids are involved especially. My NG didn't start sleeping over, and then only on weekends, until 2 years into our relationship. We will not live together until after our wedding (this Saturday!). I know this isn't the common way to do things, but it's been good for all of us to take things slow and let my kids get used to things. And things still aren't perfect, my 15 yo is currently in a way rebellious stage about school and life in general that is making things really stressful at the moment. I hope things work out in a way that you can both be happy and comfortable with the situation! Congratulations on your new relationship!

1. Is such a marriage deceitful? In the eyes if the government and probably the church, yes it is deceitful, but it is also your own business. 2. Can we call each other husband and wife, or should that be reserved for the legally married? Your business, but I believe it should reserved for legally married couples 3. Would you as a child, friend or relative of a couple doing this attend the wedding or feel duped if you found out it wasn’t a legal wedding? Eh, idk, another thing that's your business I guess. With my experience it would probably offend me a little bit, but I'd also understand the choice. 4. Does anyone have any experience with having done this? I am getting married in two weeks. I will lose the $724 a month I get from dh's survivor's benefits, and I probably will lose my "free" insurance. And I stand to lose other financial benefits in the future, I'm sure. But I am choosing to be legally married, because I believe it is the right thing to do. If I was in my 60's with no children I might look at it differently. At 42 with 4 relatively young children still, my viewpoint is much different that yours. 5. If we opt for a commitment/unity/hand fasting ceremony instead of a wedding, is he your husband/she your wife? No 6. What do you call one another signifying your relationship if there is no ceremony but you are together, committed and in love? Significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner?? I had a great aunt who was with the same man for at least 50 years. They never married because he would lose his disability or something like that. But they were always together, always "E & R", but they were never husband and wife. I always wonder about how she really felt about that, if she was happy with it, or if she would have liked to be married. Financial constraints suck when they have to limit life's happiness.

I ended up keeping his and turning mine off soon after he died. This was five years ago though, when I wasn't very attached to a cell phone. He had the better phone, so it made sense.

My realtor or his associate always showed the house when it was needed, and let me know any feedback within 24 hours. I don't think we ever had fliers, but he did have signs up on the main roads right away. It sold within the first two weeks last spring because it was a good market for a starter family home. Sounds like your realtor isn't very motivated. Or maybe just really busy. Good luck, hopefully a good buyer comes along soon!

I don't think he's the man for you. It sounds like he's trying to set up the "ideal" wife in the woman he is dating, but might be happy to set you up as the other woman. I don't know your culture, so maybe I am way off, but either way, I would recommend moving on.

Wow that's a tough one. My jealousy would have probably ruined the relationship a long time ago. I wouldn't be able to handle him giving more time to his mom than me. My NG's mom is 89 and still lives alone in their family home, she also still drives (which makes me nervous). NG's sisters do most of the caring for and checking in on her (almost daily), although he is responsible for most of the house upkeep and mowing the lawn in the summer. This works out to be him needing to go there maybe once a week, less in the winter. I usually go along and visit with her while he does the chores. 76 is not that old nowadays, and she could potentially live for 25 more years! I guess if you are okay with how things are now and if they continue that way indefinitely you might be okay? I'm sorry you are in such a hard situation!

I love my average ordinary life. I love going to work three days a week at the local school, I love attending my kids various activities, and I LOVE snuggling with my guy each night on the couch. Okay, I don't love doing laundry and cooking and cleaning for all these people, but the rest of it is pretty darn good.

We are getting married in May. We aren't going to combine everything financially for at least the first year or so. NG is either short-sale or letting his house go, so I don't want my name put to that. I had a bankruptcy right before DH died that will soon be "falling off" my credit. So neither one of us have great credit. He has a lot more debt than I do. I do have my house mostly paid off with dh's life insurance, so I would like that to stay with me and the kids. But NG will be moving in here soon and it will be his home too, so I'm not really sure how to handle that. I will have to get a will drawn up and get that all settled. It is definitely a different stage now for sure, then when I was young and single with no kids the first time I got married.

I started dating 2 years out, when my youngest was 3 (now 6). By that time my oldest was 12, so he could babysit for a few hours while we went to dinner or a movie. My kids all met NG very early on, because he came to do some work for me and that was our fist meeting. It worked out, but I probably wouldn't have done that in a more regular or more casual dating situation. It does suck never having a night off for a sleepover, etc. My parents are very conservative, so I wouldn't be able to ask them to watch the kids while I had an overnight with NG, and 4 kids is really too much to ask a friend to watch. So in our first two years of dating, I think we had a total of two sleepovers together when I was able to work it out that all of my kids would be gone. Over the last nine months or so, since getting firmly committed, and then engaged, NG stays over on weekends. It took a while for me to really feel comfortable with it, but the kids just took it as normal. NG won't move in until after we are married. It is definitely a whole different world. Do what you feel comfortable with, what feels right for you.

My experience was similar to Meema's. I was left angry with DH at the end, because he refused to accept or prepare for the inevitable. It's one of the many reasons I have not been able to attend church much since his passing. He was sooo focused and convinced that he was going to be miraculously healed that I was left holding the bag full of decisions for me and our four children. By the time he finally accepted it, he had had a stroke and couldn't talk, write, see well, no time left to help me, or to do anything for us. I guess I would say be prepared as the surviving spouse to have to do it all. Make all the financial choices, end of life choices, everything. I would wish that even though he refused to accept that he was dying, that he would have left something for our kids. A recording, a note, a letter, anything.

I agree, the recently widowed father of my son's good friend made several attempts to date me a couple years ago. He didn't take a gentle no for an answer, and trying to help him with other things, or just be nice and social only made things harder. I had to go to ignoring, except for texts having directly to do with our sons. I never said anything to my son, or his friend obviously. That just would have embarrassed everyone involved. Sometimes kindness is seen as encouragement or leaving the door open and you have to be a little more harsh than you'd like to be, unfortunately.

It's hard. I think I wrote a post just like this a year or so ago. NG has been much better since I had a talk w him about texting with the ex during our time. They really only text about their son now, and not very often since he is 17. It took time and talking and clear expectations to get to this point though, and it's been 3 years for us. He even had one slip up on this NYE when she texted asking something about the kid, and then he tried to start an argument about "something someone said she said about him". I was not pleased, but when he realized what he was doing he shut it down pretty quickly. He had had a few drinks so that was probably what happened. I think they spent so many years fighting, it just comes natural sometimes! It feels unfair that he doesn't have to deal with my ex issues sometimes. I hope you can feel comfortable to express your expectations to him and he responds favorably.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you are enduring this loss. I lost my husband to cancer 5 years ago when I was 37. It is a surreal situation no one should ever have to go through.

It was 5 years for me last October. I didn't say anything much to anyone that I recall. That life seems so long ago. The new normal is what I am in now, and I don't take the time to reflect much on what happened 5 years ago. Maybe it was too surreal, too painful? Idk. I am happy now, though once in a while a crushing thought still flies in. Just yesterday I was thinking, wow, 2018, Terry, I made it to 2018, and you only saw 2012, so unfair. But then the thought flies out and I go on with the new life of normal. Thank you for sharing your perspective and thoughts. I'm happy for you that you can embrace the good in your life as it is now.

I wish we had more snow so it might warm up a little, just a couple icy inches on the ground right now. It's -15 right now and I think it's only gotten above zero once in the last two weeks. BRRRRR! There's sposed to be a warm up starting next week though into the 20's, it will feel like a heat wave, lol. Love Minnesota winters.

Fiancee was all about "kids come first" at the beginning. He said it a lot in the first few months. I don't think that's the way it goes in a healthy relationship, but I gave him time. My marriage was not a very happy one. To my fault I focused way more on the kids and did not do enough to grow or repair our relationship. So I know too much of "kids come first" can be damaging. Fiancee is more balanced now. Of course his kids are 3 years older than they were at the beginning too, and almost grown. I think he was just afraid in the beginning and it was a good barrier for him to put up to hold back from too much of a commitment too fast. Interesting the way things have evolved.

It's nice you found someone. I had the prerequisite that I would not date someone who was only separated or had been divorced for less than one year. I think there's just too much opportunity for problems with a man in that situation. It's hard enough as it is. That would be my only feedback, but you have to make the choice that is best for you. Good luck in however it goes. It's hard getting back out there.