serpico

Try to put your widow status aside for a second if you can, because this shouldn't be acceptable to a non-widow either. It's childish of him for sure, though it sounds like there were precedents for it from both sides throughout your relationship. You are sounding like you have finally had enough, though, and I don't blame you.

If this is how you think she really feels, I think it should give you pause. Does it really matter whose fault it is? No. What matters is doing everything in your power to make sure the kid doesn't end up a 'loser'. It just sounds like a weak attitude to me, and it could rub off on your child if she ends up being a step-parent down the road.

I'm Catholic and my fianc?e is Methodist. I had hoped to get married in our church (which is in the town where we'll live, while hers is 45 minutes away) but since she was divorced and never got an annulment, that's not an option. I understand this to be the rules of the Catholic Church, and though Pope Benedict is reforming them, change isn't fast in an institution like the Church. She, on the other hand, is less than thrilled about being 'rejected' by my church and feels that this will make it much more difficult for her to ever feel comfortable going to church with my kids and me. I don't see it as a personal thing, just that the rules of the Church don't allow for a marriage in the Church to someone who is divorced. I see it as very cut-and-dried and though I'm not thrilled about it, I understand. But for her it is very personal, and she can't understand why the Church would be so judgmental. There are lots of differences in our religions, and it worries her greatly about how we'll deal with this when we're married. Her church is very open and accepting of anybody and everybody, they have Panera bread and grape juice for communion, they talk during the service, and there is basically a rock band playing on a sound stage, for goodness sake Mine is a much more traditional, with a call-and-response service, solemn atmosphere, little to no talking, and an organ playing hymns. The differences don't bother me so much, but it would be nice for our new family to be of one faith. I'm not sure that's going to happen, though. Anyone else dealt with mixed faith marriages?

As a man, I would prefer to be called 'boyfriend' over 'New Guy' by a multiple of 100...

I agree with most of what you say, but I think we as widow(er)s also need to use some empathy with those who haven't been through it. If the slightest bit of jealousy or irritation with our former loves disqualifies someone from being part of our lives, I think we're winnowing the list of potential new mates just a little too much. I think jealousy and irritation are things that can be worked through with compassionate communication from both sides.

One thing that stuck out to me is your interpretation of things. As an example, you 'need to sit on things' but he is giving you the 'silent treatment'. Could it be that he sees things the same way, but in reverse?

Here's a very interesting link to Bowie and Freddie Mercury on 'Under Pressure' with only the vocals...

Or he went to his doctor like he said, got checked out, and is fine. Really, he could be telling the truth and be fine. The OP has every right to not see him again or date him, but let's not give the poor sap a diagnosis without being his doctor.

The cemetery at our Catholic Church automatically gave us a double plot, and a month or so later it was suggested to me that I consider a third plot in case I would remarry. Great idea, and I did it, but the problem is that it's customary to bury the husband on the left and the wife on the right, and the third plot is to the right of my wife. So now I'm engaged and will sometime soon have to tell my fianc?e that if she wants to be buried with me, my first wife will be between us. Not looking forward to that one. :-\ As for the headstone, I was supposed to get something placed within a year but I didn't get to it that quickly. It was finally placed at about the two-year mark. It's a single stone, which I think caught my MIL off guard, but I'm glad I made that decision.

Awesome stuff, Miz. Probably much easier than 'Mommy's late husband!'

For my birthday last week I gave myself the gift of a fianc?e...

It would have been better off left unsaid, but does it make her a 'bitch'? I wouldn't think so, especially if it was well-meant, as many here agree it probably was. I think we give people more power than they deserve when we allow well-meaning comments to send us into a tizzy.

My first reaction is that he needs some tough love, but I'm not exactly sure what form that should take since I don't know your circumstances. It sounds like he is using grief as a shield, and though you are doing it lovingly, you are indeed enabling him from what I'm hearing in your post. He needs to take responsibility for himself, and I think it's time for him to sink or swim. As bad as thinking about him sinking has to be, could it be much worse than it is now?

This is a tough one. My fianc?e has a hard time with the fact that I don't let her sleep in my bed when my kids are home, but she accepts it. I'm Catholic and she's not, which accounts for some of our differences in this regard, but she also says that her kids wouldn't relate our sleeping together with sex, while mine definitely would. I admit to being a hypocrite in that my faith teaches abstinence before marriage, but at the same time I want to set a good example for my kids. Like most things in widowhood, it's a difficult balance.

I seem to be outnumbered again, but I want to clarify something here. The OP objected to the fact that the news story didn't refer to Ms. Dockery as a widow. I merely pointed out that the word 'widow' didn't apply in this case, and later stated that a reporter isn't going to use that word unless the couple had been married.

Sorry you feel that way, but I'm glad I could help you vent. Big squishy hugs to you.

Okay, let me clarify... In news reporting, reporters must use words that fit the situation. They don't use 'widow' or 'spouse' when there isn't a marriage involved. It would be irresponsible, because it's not the truth. I'm not trying to tell anyone what to call themselves or their deceased loved ones. I really don't care. Do what works for you. But I don't get the expectation that the rest of the world should start adapting it's vocabulary to fit certain situations.

That is heartbreaking for her. As for the terminology, calling someone a 'widow' if they hadn't been married would be like calling them a 'spouse' or 'wife' before the partner passed away. It just doesn't fit.

Okay, now that is weird, because I literally just finished that book yesterday, which is the reason I started this thread. Creepy I started The Heart is a Lonely Hunter last night and really like it. Keep the suggestions coming, please!

I'm an avid reader, and my tastes are very eclectic. Some of my favorites and/or recent reads: John Steinbeck (I'll read some of these over and over) Scott Turow (I think this guy is brilliant) Jonathan Tropper Stieg Larsson trilogy Jonathan Kellerman (though these have gotten formulaic) Freakonomics series Michael Lewis (though his ego is getting a little out of control) Wall Street nonfiction I also enjoy biographies, but autobiographies don't excite me as much (too much of a filter, I think). So I'd love to hear your suggestions. I download most of my books through iBooks, so I can get my hands on about anything.

Not to sound like a shrink, but can you tell us why you feel this way? Surely one bad experience at a restaurant doesn't put an end to eating out forever, does it? Who knows, maybe you don't need a counselor any longer but to rule them out forever seems a little drastic. Sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you, I just read this thread for the first time and this jumped out at me.

I get Social Security payments for my children, and I've been told over and over that when the year-end questionnaire comes I should mark that I used it all for their support rather than listing that I saved some of it. Last year after submitting this form I got a call from SS essentially asking if I was sure this is what I did, and my answer was yes. This year I got another call and now they are asking for details on how I spent these funds - on the phone she even asked me what my mortgage payment was, for example. While I'm happy not to have a mortgage payment, I got the feeling that it wasn't the 'right' answer. I said I would have to compile that list and so I have 30 days to do this. Well. I really don't know how much of that money goes to my kids' upkeep, because all of our funds get comingled. Has anyone else dealt with this level of scrutiny?

Short backstory: I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months now and we'll likely be engaged before too long. She has two kids and I have three (ages 9 through 15), and all get along well, even though there are a lot of different personalities and interests. My girlfriend is divorced and has custody of the kids, though they go to their Dad's house one evening a week and every other weekend. Their Dad is just...weird. He's sort of antisocial and has never been much of a father to them. He'll go to their ballgames or concerts but he just stands in the back and doesn't say much. When they're at his house he doesn't do much with them and they are pretty much on their own, which is fine, because they're 15 and 12. It's not like he's a bad parent, but he's just not much of a parent, I guess. I don't really have a problem, but just a weird situation: the daughter (the 12-year old) really likes me a lot - much more than she does her own father. My girlfriend says it's because I actually pay attention to her and engage her while her Dad just tolerates her. She's a great kid - well behaved, smart, athletic, and gets along with all sorts of kids - and we just hit it off from the start. The issue is that she's starting to have major meltdowns whenever she has to go to her Dad's, and I have a feeling it's only going to get worse when we get married next year. They will be moving into my house, which is about a half hour from their Dad's (they're only five minutes apart right now), and that'll make visits even more difficult. I'm pretty certain there is nothing for me to do here - it's not like I"m going to start treating her differently to make her 'not like' me as much. But it breaks my girlfriend's heart when she has to send the girl to her Dad's because it's clear she hates being there compared to at my house playing with my kids. For those that don't know, I hesitated before dating divorcees because I am wholly ignorant about divorce - it just wasn't an issue I've ever faced, even with friends of mine. No step-parents, single parents, or anything like that. So has anyone ever had a situation something like this? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Pretty sure I've seen that one, but even if I haven't I know for certain how it ends! ;D

Nonsense. You had something to say and you said it, and good for you I've also thought hard about topics like this and the responses that I often see. It's interesting, because it's common on this board to see people complain about others not 'getting' widows' problems and this inability to empathize is often viewed as some sort of character flaw. And yet, when the shoe is on the other foot and someone wonders about whether to get close to someone with difficulties of their own, we give widows wide latitude to do what they think is best with no adverse judgment.