Julester3

I wish I kept some but I don't have any saved. However we have videos of the kids and he comments in the background. Also his job has videos of him and voiceovers So we have ways to hear him again.

I am so sorry this has happened! I understand the crazy heart attack as that's what my husband passed away from but not on a work trip (he was consultant so it could have been) but at his tennis club after a rigorous 2 hour drill. The shock, the hurt and the piercing pain will be hard but you have little ones to think of. Just make small daily goals, know that your two will need you and won't understand everything that's going on. You don't need to worry about that now. That's for a time much later when they are older. Take any help that is offered and it's okay to lean on others. You are still processing so be kind to yourself and get what rest you can. Does it suck? Absolutely. Can you survive this? Yes you can and you never have to like it but you can. Hugs!

Facebook reminded me today the aftermath of my husband's passing. It totally sucked this morning.

You don't have to like the answer of the investigation necessarily but an actual answer is better because you don't have to wonder and you can try to find closure. Hugs for you today.

I plan to do this for my kids when they are ready. They like to wear their dad's shirts so my rush. I sew so I can do it rather than resource it out.

I have no advice to offer. You've done exactly what I would have in your situation. I just want to offer you a hug in your frustration.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I had a similar issue with my husband's personal belongings. Not the hospital, the organ donor organization, the funeral home nor the county coroners had his things. I wanted his beloved tennis shoes and his glasses and I got neither. I called every place several times. I had to go to the county coroner just to get his wedding band. I was upset then but I'm okay about it now. I hope those items were at least donated someplace when it got misplaced.

Tammy so sorry! You were just married and this tragic accident happened. It is hard to understand why these things happen and why we can't control it. You need to take care of yourself and give yourself time to process, to figure how to cope, to learn what you can and cannot do right now. Remember it's not a race abd everyone functions differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve just the way that you need to. Hugs!

I explained to the girls of my needs. My kids are 14 and 18 now and it's been 2 years. They understood and they asked only a few things of me: home is their sanctuary please don't bring guys home unless it's someone I'm serious about and can they ask me questions about who I'm seeing. 2 reasonable requests IMO. They like to look out for me. I explained this is for me and not someone to replace their father- the girls are ready to fly to college in the next few years and I'm lonely. I do have friends, hobbies, and such but my husband was affectionate and I was cut off severely when he died and I crave male affection. It's something I have identified that I need but it needs to be someone I can connect with and respect. You can't be expected to be a widow matyr to live the rest of your days alone, it's selfish of them to expect it of you. They just need to process and learn to understand that you are human with very human needs. Hugs and good luck. Teens are a handful.

I'm a typist so I simply used ms word and journaled whenever I needed. In the beginning it was every few days then to every few weeks and then once a month. Maybe my kids will read it someday but it was for me to vent and work things out. Most of the time it's me talking to him and knowing what he'd advise me.

I would initially agree however I think the "trick" is not to fear what could happen in a new potential relationship or to compare prospects to your partner. No person can live up to that or replace them and it isn't a fair comparison. I'll always love my husband and that won't change however I know I have the capacity to love and I recognize I feel the need to give someone what love and affection I can. I feel confident with the right person love can grow to love that person for them and what makes them unique/special to me.

You are in what I term as crisis mode where you work like a fiend to get things done. You are essentially doing everything and are determined to do everything yourself. You are keeping yourself crazy busy that you can't process,the death, absorb the situation. You can also see this as survival mode. I think this is normal for some of us. I was a lot like this and when it hits you, it hits hard. You don't want to feel the pain because it hurts. Does it mean you don't love him? Of course not! But be kind to yourself, allow people to help you when you know you need help. Time moves differently for people like us so take it easy, vent on us as you need to, sometimes typing it all out helps you work through what's on your mind. So sorry to have you here with us. Hugs for you...

There is also the option of a prenup to determine what is split and what stays yours if you choose to get married. I set up my estate to my kids entirely with certain people named for executor of estate and guardianship of my youngest. If I were to get married now but not update my estate, the guy gets nothing of what I have entailed on my estate. The only things we'd potentially have on the table would be if we open any new accounts together after we are married, if we buy anything big like property or a house. Sounds cut throat but I too believe it's more or less the kids' money than actually mine.

I guess I never elaborated on my situation. I found someone I really truly like. He's a gentlemen and he's patient with me and even did his best to call me out on some of my fears since I'm still in that hesitant mode but in a polite non-offensive way. We're compatible and have a good amount of similar interests. We've talked pretty openly and it's going in a good direction. This has been for about 2 months now. I caught his interest by accident. I felt the need to update my dating profile because a trip to the doctor has revealed that I need a hysterectomy so if a guy had a wish to still have children, I can't have kids anymore. So I had to change my status saying I didn't want any more children as I was previously undecided. No need to get anyone's hopes up. This tiny change alerted him since we were matched weeks ago but never contacted nor sorted the other out. Still it had him look at my profile and contact me. We text and call often. He's divorced with kids and has them every other week so we have to plan accordingly. My kids know and have given their blessing to have him over so we can do boring adult things like hang out and watch TV, maybe cook together. Going out is fun but we seem to be homebodies so a homebody activity may be just what we need. LOL. My 14 y.o. gave me my own lecture back to me, "You can have boys over but no touchy feely business and they can't go upstairs!" I had tried with another guy who I was talking with since October but he's moved on, I think. He's just too busy with 2 jobs and checking on aged parents and other family in the area. He was also divorced and a great guy but our schedules never seem to mesh and I honestly tried to be a little more open and affectionate to him (hugs and a quick peck here or there impromptu) but got nothing but a brotherly hug back. I think that's why I was became reserved with the guy I am seeing now. I think it made me less likely to open to show any type of affection.

Hugs Ruth!

You sound exactly where I am. I miss my husband and the 22 year relationship we built (not to mention an additional 6 years of friendship prior). The NG has hit it on the head: I am reserved and less willing to be candid and open. I simply can't help it. I'm trying to safeguard myself against hurt. He'd notice I can drop my guard here and there but I mostly hold it tight. I know he really likes me but all I can do it try and be honest with him when he asks. It's very odd behavior from me but I I want to cling to my late husband but I know I need to let him go and I'm trying. It's better than nothing and closeting myself at home. I don't feel guilty though but I need to learn and the NG is if anything patient. Hugs and good luck. I find it takes a lot of internal conversation with my inner self to figure things out.

I think they are weeding out as well. I have gotten similar questions early by a few men looking to see, as I would phrase, an easy lay. One guy once tried to "convince" me if I didn't put out on the first date that I'm doing the dating thing all wrong. Nope, it just taught me to tell him and his kind to kindly go away, be patient, and keep looking!

This is offensive. It is none of his business and what you get comes from your spouse's contribution through the years they worked. Everyone's amounts are calculated based on that. We all don't get the same magical amount. You are essentially getting benefit your spouse will never be able to collect. We aren't mooching off all the tax payers out there. Your acquaintance should learn to research and get educated before opening his mouth!

Twin-mom, so freaking annoying. We were asked why don't we go to church any more and I said we are still dealing with our relationship with religion. We were a good family who volunteered and helped others often and the kids still see God as taking their father away since he wasn't even sick. It's hard to see him as merciful and holy after our experience. I know things can be hard to explain so I leave it. Bravo to you to still volunteer there where I couldn't.

That's great Maureen!

Yikes. Sounds like very high standards in a small workplace. You need to tell them (and yourself) you are a human and can make human mistakes. I do work for a small company so when we get issues like this I tend to suggest alternative solutions that may make improvement and be more efficient. Since you have to split your work between 3 different components, can you schedule out certain days or parts of days to work on them? For example in our office accounts receivable usually are slotted for mornings on Mondays and Thursdays. Billing happens everyday sadly. We always want to get paid. We don't have to deal with insurance so that affect us. Don't be hard on yourself. You are doing what you can do. You can't do more when you are just 1 person. Hugs and hope you find some peace. I suggest doing something that tires you before bed so you can sleep. I find a bit of mindless TV or a book helps me a bit before bed. Hugs!

I read this earlier on my phone but I needed a laptop to better respond. Sorry for your loss of your husband. We all have our quirks as widow/ers and we all cope and handle different facets of life differently. Just remember this isn't a race and don't feel rushed to make any decisions unless you want to. I am sorry to read how you've had lack of support through your husband's illness. I know how on-going and difficult heart issues can be. My father had several strokes and heart attacks and every time I had to watch my mother try to work through it all when he had to finally retire due to his health. My siblings and I stayed home as long as we could to offer support and help so my parents could keep their home. I know this made our family connection stronger. One Thanksgiving morning, his heart just gave out and he was gone. I remember my mom being okay though. She was sad because they were married for 40 years the year he died. She was relieved that the pain and discomfort was gone for him and he could be at peace. She hated to see him struggle through the years and decline/lose abilities with every heart issue set back he had. She was also a mind over matter type person and if she cried, she never did so in front of us even though we were all adults at that time. I do think it's wise to put things you don't know what to do with aside for the time being and tackle it when you are ready. Seeing you have a kid, don't forget to consider things or mementos that they might want or you might want to consider for them. An interesting thing I've learned from friends who lost a parent as a child was the lack of mementos that could have been saved for them when they got older. Adult children still yearn for a connection to their lost parent. My kids are teens and I have been sure to be mindful of their wants from their father's things and ask when I am in a mood to tackle something. You do sound like you have some things worked out and that is good progress. You don't need to have solutions for everything but knowing what you can handle and work on it good. I am an advocate for using one's interests as personal therapy. I craft - a lot. But, it keeps me grounded and helps quiet my busy mind which can run a hundred different places all at once. It also fills the quiet times as well for me. It's great that you've picked up cooking and traveling is a good idea but maybe try a group tour or a vacation centered on another activity like an expo or convention of interest. Go on a cooking tour or a wine tour. That way you are with people and not necessarily too alone but can hold back and stay at the hotel and chill if you so choose. Just an idea. I tend to go on trips with either my kids or with friends for like a "moms retreat." So hugs for you today.

My own MIL pulled that on me that she could understand how it's like being a single parent because Josh's dad would travel for work. I know how that is like because Josh was a consultant and I often was the only one with the kids for long stretches on my own (4-5 days a week for 4 years was the longest contract) but losing my spouse - my lover,my best friend, my partner, father to my children who was always a part of our lives forever gone? She doesn't know how that's like and she likes to compete that her grief is worse than mine. This frustration will never go away so I have to employ tactics so I'm not angry all the time. Takes so much energy to be mad.

More snow in IL too! Still recovering from a wicked bought of cold-cough I've been dealing with for over a week so laying low, beef stew is on the stove simmering, and we are watching a Harry Potter marathon. I check into the Olympics now and then too.

These types of insensitive comments pop up in various conversations I have with people and it makes me wince every time. However I decided that I don't waste energy on it other than that brief flash of WTF. Then it's whatever and I move on. I chalk it up to their inability to be truly sensitive or even logically think about what they are actually saying. If I reacted every time this happened to me, I'd probably have been committed for going postal on them. Vent away!