calimom

My husband is dead, so I'm considered a widow to the IRS, my bank, my kids' schools etc. I do have a long time gentleman friend, which is of mild interest only to my friends and family, not so much to the IRS, my bank, my kids' schools, etc. If we were to marry, which we're not interested in doing, then I would be married, and considered by anyone interested that I was someone who was once widowed. My belief is that your marital status is what you currently are, not what you once were - although it's part of the narrative, no doubt.

Knowing your care taking and history of anxiety, this guy owes you a huge apology for allowing you to sit in a waiting room shaking and freaking out. For a 50 year old, a colonoscopy is a predictable rite of passage. All he needed, really, was a ride home, and it sounds like he put you through hell. Sure, he's a "bad patient", but please, he is not sick, he was simply having an unpleasant medical test. I hope you're dong better and it's OK to have a looooong engagement as you sort all this stuff out.

At first glance, I, like apparently like a lot of other readers here, assumed the blog writer was a divorced or never-married woman. But looking at her history, it looks like she is a widow also. But only cares about what "the man" thinks, and how his friends and family react to their union. She is not well liked. Apparently she went after the dude a bit quickly after his wife died, which seemed to have caused a bit of an uproar in their religious community. Yep. A lot of widows would like to hook up with other widows for new relationships post-loss. What could possibly go wrong? Besides everything. As a wise widow once said, you need more than a dead spouse in common to make it work. Divorced, widowed, otherwise, there needs to be chemistry. I wish you and your new wife well, Serpico, as you navigate these waters. It's a big leap of faith to blend families, and create a new normal.

I can't really tell you what to do, Dragonfly, but wishing you all the best during this time. You'll figure this out, and you have the support of everyone here however this goes.

Love and support coming from me and my family here in California! You amaze and inspire, Maureen. Wishing you all the best as you decide which direction to follow in the next chapter. Life gets better, it really does.

*clink* Big congrats to all of you!

Welcome, Corey. The love you show is so evident. I wish you well in the days ahead.

First of all, Jennica, I'm so sorry for the loss that has brought you here. It sounds like you guys are holding up and that says a lot about you as a parent. My family composition is a bit like yours: I have an older daughter, and young daughter bookending a son. They were, respectively. 14, 5 and 14 months when my husband was killed in a car accident 9 years ago. The eldest is actually my stepdaughter and I became her legal guardian after her father's death. She and my son had some tough times but we got through it. Family therapy with the teenager, and play therapy for the younger one helped a great deal. Resources are out there, it's OK to make use of them. Today, they're doing great! My big girl got a full ride scholarship to a wonderful art school and is now living independently, working hard and having a good life. My son is a high school student and involved in lots of activities. The "baby" is a happy and healthy 10 year old. Losing their father at a young age is absolutely a large factor in their lives but it is not the end of their lives by a long shot. Some of the best advice I ever received was - the kids are ok when mom (or dad) is ok. Which means it's good to talk about the missing parent, you can grieve, and it's also good for kids to see that you're moving ahead with life. If you fall into a pit of despair and anger about your situation and people around you (friends family), the children will be affected. Your new family configuration is not less then others around you; it's just now different. You're in a transitional phase. Keep those who love you close, even if they're not always perfect and say the right things at the right times. We're all human. It's hard to be a single parent. Do things that recharge you for the enormous task you know face. Take care of yourself, love your kids, cut yourself some slack. They'll be ok. You'll be ok. I have always thought I needed my children as much as they needed me.

I so get this. Big hugs, Maureen. xoxo

I'm about 60 or so pages in - saw an excerpt in the NYT Magazine last year, and thanks for jogging my memory about this book. Wow. Wow. Wow. This woman can write and puts to words so many of our experiences in such an eloquent way.

Very sorry for your loss, Dragonfly. It's just so hard. You've had a lot on your plate taking care of your ill husband, his death, taking care of your four year old and your upcoming return to work. As far as what to do, well you're likely already doing much of it. Loving and caring for your boy in this sad time. Take whatever assistance is offered. People really do want to help, be it meals, childcare, or just a shoulder to lean on. You may not be 100% up to speed when you return to teaching and it's OK. It will all fall into place. At some point, play therapy might be helpful for your son. It was for my little boy when my husband died - he was five and nine years later he is a happy, healthy young man. I also have two other children who are also doing well. Getting through this day by day is what we all do. Take care and know there is a community here who cares about you.

((((Marian)))) 10 years! Hoping life is treating you well these days?

This past week, I was informed that the man responsible for my husband's death was released from prison. He was almost 9 years into a 10 year sentence for manslaughter (the maximum penalty in our state for DUI). He actually was held in jail prior to his sentencing; he was indigent and a habitual DUI offender. The Victims' Advocate who was originally on our case contacted me. While I've never been completely comfortable being a victim, that's precisely what my family was. I've attended and endured court procedures and the original sentencing, and participated in two parole hearings that were denied, ensuring his continued residency in the California prison system. Due to overcrowding and his model behavior, he is finally out in society. From what I understand, he is living in a halfway house of some sort. In my family, when one person has a piece of information, it spreads to the rest like an out of control wildfire. There have been lots of phone calls and messages from well meaning relatives checking in to see how I'm doing. My aunt brought over a pan of her famous lasagna. She shows love through food. It's been years since I've had a meal delivery of any sort, and no complaints, it was a night I didn't have to cook. I had a long phone chat with my eldest daughter who lives away from home now and sat my younger kids down to discuss what happened. My son, as is his way, was quiet and took in the information, but my youngest had lots of questions. She was just a baby when her father was killed, so I had to (again) go through all the bits and pieces of this to partially satisfy her curiosity. She most wanted to know if he would be reunited with his family, and I told her what I knew, that his wife divorced him while he was in prison and moved away with their son. Two families imploded that night. That made her sad, this whole preventable tragedy had such wide reaching consequences. My MIL was told by my BIL. It opened a never-to-be-closed wound for her and she's having a tough time. She'll be arriving here in a week from the east coast for her Christmas visit. There will be some processing, there is no doubt. And people keep asking "how are you doing", and I tell them I'm OK. I can choose to be angry and bitter about this - and trust me I have been, I had thoughts that quite frankly frightened me - but I'm choosing peace. I honestly wish this man no ill will. When I am a very old lady I will still have sorrow and regret over the loss of my beautiful husband and father of my children, but I think I just need to be OK with this. My life is so different now, and it is good in so many ways, it's a hard won victory of sorts, and I'm not willing to go backward.

Firstwidow: Learn from others here. There are wonderful women who, for whatever reason, who: A) engage with obvious online scammers. (it is a complete waste of time); and B) engage with men who are not right for them. There is a lot to be said for the *delete* feature, and the *ignore* feature. Neither are as entertaining as the stories you might tell, but it will be far more productive to focus on what you ARE looking for than what you ARE NOT looking for. Like everyone, your mileage might vary, but the best advice is to move forward into your new life with what's going to work for you, whether you're looking for marriage or simply a nice person to spend time with. Wishing you luck and most importantly - lots of fun!

You make a wonderful point, oneoftwo. No one here should take anecdotal or emotional advice regarding Social Security here or anywhere else. Just because you think something *should* be is not the way something *will* be as per the rules, your personal information, et.al. Make an appointment! Get the facts! Work with the results!

Five months was the deepest darkest time for me. How you feel now is very likely not how you'll feel as more time passes. Trust me, this does get better for most of us. It takes time, and it takes some work on your part. Things will ease up, hang in there. And do keep posting and making connection here with others in your timeframe. It helps more than you know. There is so much support here.

SVS, the support and kindness you show for members here does not go without notice. Your love for your late husband is something that many people wish they had. Your kids are fortunate to call you their mom. The people in your day to day life should be proud to be your friend. You may not know this, or may not want to believe this, but you're going to be OK. There are good things ahead of you in this life. Just hang in there, keep working on it. Things have a way of falling into place.

And they want the "gals" to pay $24 just to join their super awesome site. This does not sound like a super awesome opportunity for anyone.

Welcome, Sirin and Yogamom. So sorry for your losses and please know you'll find support here. Take care, things do get more manageable.

Maybe just pump the brakes on this one a bit for now? This is a pretty new relationship for you and the idea that this dude just shows up on weekends and wants to slip into the daddy role is a bit much for all the kids? Your older kids still have a living father, yes? And you've had a number of hits and misses with New Guys in the recent past so maybe just letting this new friendship take hold a bit before this guy showing up and sitting in front of the TV every weekend. Can you meet him somewhere outside the house? Have some fun that doesn't include the kids? There are lots of things to do. Good for you, good for them. Go easy on everyone. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

I've seen Nuggets around these parts recently. She's Canadian (like you I think OP) and a very intrepid solo traveller. Hopefully she sees this and chimes in with some great ideas and links. My own mother was widowed at age 47. She and I took a couple of fun trips together when I was 18 or 19. It might be different with mothers and daughters. We went to Mexico and also to New York for a week of plays museums. It was great! And on her own she went to Japan and New Zealand. With her husband (who she married after 14 years of widowhood) she's gone to England, Canada and the South Pacific. There's a great world out there. I can't wait to do some real travel. I've taken a bunch of trips with my kids - they're younger than yours. We've gone to Hawaii, Baja, and some general family vacations to the east coast and the Pacific Northwest.We rented a motorhome and took a tour of the National Parks. Much more awaits when the heavy lifting of parenthood eases up. Some might be with my gentleman friend, and likely there will be some solo travel and trips with friends ahead. Bon Voyage! Enjoy this stage in your life; you've earned it.

It's no fun to do all the jobs by yourself. Raising little kids, managing bill paying, yard care, home maintenance, car care, et al. It can be exhausting. Yet I have seen 40 or 50 something widows who seem actually offended that they have to balance a checkbook or drive on the highway by themselves,at NIGHT lose their shit. As if they were 70 year old women in 1955 with no options. You can choose to be in that category, or you can choose to be the strong, independent, single woman you are. Which direction do you want to go?

I think it speaks well of you that you're concerned about your MIL and her care, with the other things you have going on in your world. Hopefully other family members will step up at some level. Care of the elderly and sick can be disproportionate. Even if MIL is in a nursing or assisted living situation there are still things to be done, as well as just plain visiting. Wishing you and your family all the best as you move forward, and take care of you too!

Late to the party, but wishing your entire family much happiness as you move toward the future. Congratulations to all of you!

Tough question and here's the not-so-easy-for-you answer. Take care of this woman in the most respectful way possible. Yes, try to involve the other family members in her care. But try (if you are even remotely able) to put yourself in her position. She's old. Her only child has died. She's had a terrifying medical situation. No one has ever been hurt by being kind in a circumstance like this. Show your son what family does when there is a crisis. As passionate as your relationship is with "NG", if he is any kind of man, he will understand that some things take precedence. Be the Christian woman you keep telling us you are. Seriously, you can do this!