calimom

(Big sigh) for Mike. Let's separate emotion from the facts. Guns and mentally unstable not the problem? Here are just a few examples: * Virginia Tech 2007: Seung-Hui Cho, a student with documented mental issues gains easy access to guns shoots and kills 32, injures 17 more. * Sandy Hook 2012: Adam Lanza kills 20 children, 6 teachers, as well as his mother. He had severe mental issues yet he was allowed to stockpile an arsenal. * Aurora Colorado 2012: James Holmes kills 12 people and injures 70 others. During the trial, Mr. Holmes pled guilty by reason of insanity. He was thought to be mentally ill by those around him, yet he was able to stockpile multiple firearms and hand grenades. * Orlando 2016, Pulse Nightclub: Omar Mateen kills 49 and injures 53 others. There were documented reports of his reported desire to kill people. He was able to obtain somewhat high security positions, yet many close to him believed him to be mentally unstable. He was able to purchase assault rifles. The above is just a sampling of the horrible gun attacks against innocent citizens in the past few years. Agree that it's complicated to identify and treat every individual who is disturbed, and we sometimes do a good job with that, and quite often not. But let's at least stop handing them guns. We certainly can't control hate, but we can mitigate the violence with some political will. Oh and Mike, those NRA membership fees? Sure they go to a little hunter safety courses and such. But millions are funneled to members of Congress in lobbying efforts.

You know why we don't hear about incidents that have happened in Dallas, Orlando, Minneapolis in say, Australia or Canada? Because those countries don't encourage mentally unbalanced former military veterans to have access to ANY guns, let alone submachine instruments of death. Yes, we get it, we get it, that in the US there are constitutional laws in place that allow guns. But seriously, AK-15s? AK-47s? The mentally ill can simply walk into a gun store and buy these? Do we want to continue on this path of death and destruction? You'd think after Sandy Hook our elected officials would have put some reasonable controls in place. But no. Insanity (and the NRA) wins again.

I'm wondering if the cable channel is a female directed one like "Lifetime Television for Women" or something like that? Which would explain why men might not be of interest in this project. Not saying that anyone should or shouldn't involve themselves in this, but when I hear buzzwords like "transformational" or "powerful", my guard goes up. Anyone who's newly widowed or vulnerable would be wise to think well and hard before making contact. There IS a wonderful documentary out there made by a ywbb member, Elizabeth T. Titled "Young Widow, Naked in the Memorial Playground", it features widows and widowers interspersed with on-the-street interviews with random people about their experiences and perceptions of widowhood. Way back, I went to a Bago screening of it, and our take on it was that it was a well done indie effort.

BSK! I'm here, on this new site, sort of on and off. Nine years. I remember the first 707 eight years ago. There was one member (on the ywbb site) for every day of the month, except for 'my' day, which was shared with another. We were a great source of support for each other. I don't think many made the move to this site when ywbb closed; Mokie posted for a bit but not sure if she's been on for awhile. Lisa, Wendy, the rest. I don't know. I hope everyone's doing OK. As for me, still here, still kicking. Calimom ~ 7/19/07

I'm so sorry to read this, Marian. Thinking of you and your brother in the days ahead.

In 2007 my mom, who had been widowed for 14 years (my dad, cancer likely caused from Vietnam-era Agent Orange) married a man who'd been widowed for 5 years (his wife, Lupus). Between them they had 5 offspring. All in their 30s, reasonably well educated, reasonably well employed, all with spouses. At 41, I was the youngest of the group. My mom and her husband to be were 60-ish, in great health, still working but looking ahead to a retirement filled with travel and adventure. All the offspring met up at the hotel in Arizona the night before where the wedding was to be held for a general get together. My late husband noted the "almost Brady Bunch" aspect of the union and brilliantly suggested we all sing the theme song of that awful show during the reception. We all bought into the idea, even my sourpuss sister who never sings in public. We did it and it was fabulous, everyone loved it. A marriage of two widows who'd been through fucking hell was formed. All good with their collective offspring, right? Well, not 3 weeks after the wedding, on the eve of our parents' honeymoon trip to Mexico, the youngest daughter's (that would be me) husband was killed in a tragic car accident. The trip was off, both parents rushed to be with the grieving widow. My freshly minted stepfather further proved his mettle by stepping up to the grandfather role (my late husband's father also died at a young age) to my 3 young children. He showed up when we moved to a new house, he showed up for a kindergarten graduation because that is the kind of man he is. They did eventually go on that trip to Mexico, but it was different. My stepdad's sons had another set of problems. Son 1's baby daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and almost died, and as well the marriage of those young parents almost failed. Both have survived, thankfully, especially that sweet little girl's life. My mom graciously stepped up to the plate to fill in as needed, babysat, listened and generally filled in the gaps for that family in deep distress. Son 2 lost his job during the recession, as well as their house and lived with our parents with his wife and children till they got on their feet again. Our parents are the type of people who feel grown children need to act like adults and yet recognize terrible things happen and family is family. They have since retired, have travelled to many places and still think their collective 5 (now 40-ish) offspring and their 11 grandchildren take a center stage in their lives. There is lots in their world that is good and lovely. I visited for a birthday recently and at that party realized that their collected friends were a combination of their lives pre-widowhood, post widowhood, as well as people they had met and collected along the way. We should all be so fortunate.

ADP, I read Independence Day by Richard Ford, he has a way with words, yes? And currently halfway through the above mentioned Fates and Furies by Lauren Groff. Without giving anything away, it will have impact on the community here. Enjoying immensely. So curious as to how others read: Kindle or actual books? I kick it old school with the books. If I were traveling lightly around the world, I would definitely look into the Kindle though.

SVS,ongratulations to your daughter's induction to the NHS, that is a very big deal! And her father should be here, so sorry that he is not. When my husband died (almost nine years ago), I had 1,5 and 14 year olds. At this point I've been to preschool to high school open houses, graduations from everything from Montessori to college, Little League games, swim meets, first nights of plays and dance recitals and PTA meetings. All without their very enthusiastic father by my side. I've gotten….used to it, I guess, but it's still hard. I'm grateful for my local family who've showed up for some of these milestones, as well as my dear mother in law who has flown across the continent several of them - including once for my little daughter's performance, if you can call it that in a community theater production of "Oliver" - she was one of many kids in the chorus. As much as I appreciate the support and their love of the kids, just not the same. I don't really feel jealous or envious of the intact families at these events, it's just more wistfulness at what was/could have been more than anything else. My youngest is now 9, and I have a ways to go yet. Hang in there SVS.

If you didn't know better, you'd think that article had been written by a bitter, world-weary 50 year old, not a 22 year old woman. My stepdaughter is 22 and she and her friends spend their time going to Coachella, working, wondering about graduate school, working some more, getting together to explore the world, expanding their circles and posting stuff on Instagram. Who "dates" at 22? If this woman possibly thought about maybe enjoying her friends at the bar, not trying to get the attention of some random dude who's clearly not interested in her, she'd probably have a far more enjoyable evening. As for Tinder…well it's supposedly great as a sex hook up site (and nothing wrong with that if that's your thing) but trying to find a "gentleman" there who will open doors and buy her stuff - she might be mildly delusional. I bet if she spent half the social capital she currently expends on her unsuccessful "dating" efforts on more interesting and worthwhile pursuits, she'd find the pieces would fall into place a lot more than they do now. I doubt she will though. Her life at 32, 42 and 52 will likely be as unsatisfactory and unhappy as it is now. And that's sad.

Agree that you filing an amended return is the best course of action, and quite likely your sister needs to research to see if she is qualified to take the deduction for your daughter. As SVS states, the parent or guardian is only able to claim a deduction IF they are providing more than the benefit amount. Unless your sister was paying huge sums of money over and above the social security award like for private school, childcare, medical bills not covered by insurance, etc, she should not take the deduction either. Simply having a child living under your roof does not count.

I'm sorry to hear of this additional loss, WW. Oddly, the BIL of a friend recently died while snorkeling in Aruba. Life is so random.

Love hearing about what others are reading. Another vote for Nora Webster! Absolutely fantastic. TooSoon, I just saw a trailer at the theater for the adaptation of the Dave Eggers book, with Tom Hanks in the starring role, made me curious about the book. Mr. Eggers's wife, Vida Vendela, wrote a good novel a few years ago that would likely fit into the "Wid Lit" category: The Lovers. Currently on my nightstand are City on Fire, and because that one's going to take me forever to savor, I'm interspersing it with The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson, a memoir on sexuality, motherhood, gender and I am loving it.

What I'm hearing is that you feel your child could benefit from some additional assistance, but you think he can't make use of such help unless the professional has not experienced parental death, particularly prior to their own birth. It's certainly a unique, but not unheard of situation, to be sure. But I'm wondering if perhaps you're not setting yourself up for more failure and disappointment. There are fabulous therapists and counselors out there who focus on the needs of all children. Two of my own kids benefitted from play therapy (my five year old son) and family counseling (when I became the legal guardian of my young teenaged stepdaughter) Both were wonderful, competent, well educated and trained professionals who zeroed in on what was most helpful. To my knowledge, neither professional has a dead parent, or the exact life experience, yet they were great. My youngest daughter, who was just over a year old when her father was killed, has always had a lot of questions, but didn't exhibit the same need for additional help that her older siblings did. I watched, but it didn't seem necessary. All kids process loss differently, and all feelings are valid. Please don't eliminate potential help based on the professional's parental status. Wishing you and your child the best.

Hugs to you SVS. Music is such pain and pleasure isn't it? I've had a day. Backstory: I run a poky home-based business, and the HOA where we live has been cracking down on such enterprises. Instead of fighting this, and realizing I'm growing out of working from my garage, I found a warehouse condo in a small complex. Bought by me, financed by me. Today was the big move. My employee arrived at 8 AM with her husband, and my cousin's husband, along with a couple of friends showed up with a truck. What I thought was going to be a difficult move was made much easier. The guys moved all the heavy ceramic pots, plants, design table and we set up shelving units and the new office space. Just as I was thinking about ordering pizza for all my helpers, my aunt (who's been going through chemo but never wants to miss out on the action) drove up with a platter of sandwiches, salads and drinks for everyone. It does take a village, and I am forever grateful for the one that surrounds me. We finished, it looks like an actual place of work. I had a moment while leaving, saying "hey Jeff, look at me! Look how I'm taking care of our family and how everyone is taking care of us!" I'm exhausted but happ. The garage is now a garage, and my son is having a wicked ping pong tournament right now with his friends. I had a hot tub, changed into my old Morrocan djellaba and my 9 year old combed my hair out while I relaxed by the fire with a glass of wine. Oldest DD called a few minutes ago wondering how today went and wished she had been here. There was enough leftover food from lunch so I didn't have to worry about feeding everyone for a change. Whew.

That's really nice to read, Mrs. Dan, and I hope everything continues to go well in your new relationship. He sounds like a good guy, and your daughter seems to have warmed up to him even in the small amount of time they spent together. Wishing you all nothing but the best moving forward.

For the grownups, for the most part: www.overheardinnewyork.com

At 39, saying "boyfriend" seems a bit off. I think I last had a boyfriend in junior high. Though I do refer to Jon Hamm, Patrick Wilson (and a few others) as my "fantasy boyfriends". Not a fan of referring to a person as "Chapter 2"; I'm of the mindset that that chapter started the moment my husband died. I currently say "gentleman friend" or if I'm in a more playful mood, "gentleman caller". Sometimes with a southern accent

It's a pretty big undertaking, but great that you want to help others. The non profits I'm aware have a 501c3 status and a board of directors. A member from the old ywbb started a non profit to help widows with children: www.actsofsimplekindness.org Another I'm aware of was founded by Matt Logelin whose wife died shortly after childbirth. It seems pretty well funded and active? www.thelizlogelinfoundation.org

I first read about The Widow Clicquot when I first joined ywbb, I think from Abbe. But adp and TooSoon, I think I like your story better! I hope you did get your hands on a bottle. And in related news, on the season premiere of Downtown Abbey, several bottles of Veuve were brought of from the cellar and popped open to celebrate good news.

Because I like New Years, because I like Champagne, and because I like kick ass widows, sharing a story for those who might enjoy: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/the-widow-who-created-the-champagne-industry-180947570/

Welcome, Skipd and Helena: There's never a good age to lose a parent; my own father died when I was 17. I'm 8 years and change out. When my husband was killed, my children were 1, 5, and 14. I honestly feel that the ages of 4 and 5 are the most difficult. They're old enough not for it to be a blur, and not yet able to cogitate the loss. My deepest sympathies to you and your families. My kids have done well and flourished, in fact. The best advise I remember getting was from a more seasoned widow who said "when my mom was OK, I was OK." In your case, Skipd, it's dad, but I truly believe our we learn from our kids as much as our kids learn from us. Wishing you the best as you travel the widow road.

One of my first musical memories was listening to Laura Nyro while my mom (who was a huge fan) was making soup or something in our Oregon A-frame. Hugs to you, Marian. Stoney End:

Jackie Kennedy did a similar thing right after JFK was killed - she hosted a birthday party for John Jr. and Caroline because she wanted them to have some normality in their young lives. Like her, you did the right thing. My younger children have never been terribly connected to the "anniversary of death" as their older sister and I have been, but they do always acknowledge their father's birthday, which happens to fall on Christmas Eve. We always have a moment of remembrance. How are you doing with your fifth year? It is a pretty watershed time period. Wishing you well, and sending peace. I read the post about your friend and his family, and I'm so sorry for this impending loss and the feelings it must bring to the surface.

Freedom by Jonathan Franzen is good too. Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night by Mark Haddon The Sportswriter by Richard Ford (first part of a trilogy) High Fidelity by Nick Hornby Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout Non Fiction: Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver Just Kids by Patti Smith Hugging the Shore by John Updike (essays)

I know you have a sadiversary coming up yes? I hope life gets a little easier for you, Marian.