calimom

Thank you for this, Bunny, I love Dan Savage. I wish he and Emily Yoffe were regular contributors to this site!

I'm holding a good thought for you and your new girl, Gracelet. She sounds like a keeper.

These types of posts pitting the widowed vs. the divorced have always struck me as disingenuous. Just as we widowed don't appreciate the "at least" comparisons: "at least he didn't suffer" (if our spouses died suddenly"; or "at least his suffering is over" (if they died after a long illness). And the "at least you have the kids" (if you have the kids); and "at least you didn't have kids" (if you didn't have the kids), we seem to have no problem saying shit like "at least your kids still have their father!!"; and "at least there's still a chance of reconciliation!!", and if we're running short of cash one month: "at least you can hit him up for more child support and alimony!!". Awful, all the way around. Widowed will win every time. We are self righteous, we are the best. We understand the human condition, yes we do. I've never been divorced, but it doesn't sound like a lot of fun. My late husband was divorced from a woman I believe to be mentally ill, though it's never been publicly diagnosed as such. I ended up raising the child from that union after his death, which was not a burden, it has been my pleasure and my honor, I view that child my own as much as the children that emerged from my own loins. In my widowhood, I've had a long relationship with a man who has also been divorced. Their marriage just ran out of steam after 20 or so years. It happens. His ex wife and I are friendly, and they have what might be described as a "good divorce". Those of you here who are involved with divorced partners might do well to understand that a breakup of marriage takes two, it's generally not a "she's a bitch" type of situation. True adults get this. All kinds of things happen in life. This is not a popular point of view here, and I get that. We want to vilify, we want to find enemies and we want to always feel on top and feel superior to those we consider lesser than us.

I never went to the media; the media came to me. The day after my husband's death by a drunk driver, it played out in the print and online versions of the regional newspaper, which several million people viewed. There were numerous responses to the initial article, many supportive, some not, a thick skin was required to view them. Donations were directed to my children's college funds, most came from people we knew, yet there were a few from strangers which was very kind. I can't imagine soliciting funds at this point, I don't think it would be well received. If you decide you want to go down that path, the Gofundme, as Maureen suggested, might be the way to go. But don't expect a lot. OP, you've been widowed a long time and in school a long time. What is the endgame? What are your employment prospects? You say you're working full-time, is it in your field? Your best bet is staying the course, living frugally, and creating the life you want for you and your child. It's hopeful to hear you want to live. You can do this, you know you can.

I'm a pretty huggy type of person, and do like physical touch. I also love massage, I remember the first one I had after becoming widowed (my mom gave me a gift certificate to a spa) and I cried through the first half. The practitioner was so accessible and compassionate; the field draws people with those characteristics, I think. I still get massage, it's helpful now to work out the kinks from my very physical work, and also the emotional stress of my single parent life. Anyone who knows me knows I appreciate a gift card for a massage far more than I would a sweater or something like that as a present. I also budget it in every now and then as a treat for myself, my original masseuse has moved away, but her replacement is quite good Not sure how it works in your state as your achieve accreditation, but would it be possible to work on recipients who are in a state of grief to gain hours? I'm sure you could plug into willing participants via this site, or other channels. For the long term, it might be tricky. New widows are so often inundated by "offers" for so many services like financial planning, home repair and such that even a well intentioned offer such as yours might be misconstrued. Wishing you all the best in your new career, and I think you will be great at it.

I feel your pain, MamaZ! My eldest went away to college and it left a huge hole - she's now graduated, and just finished her final summer here at "home", and it's another adjustment altogether. It's hard. On the communication front, while I understand the desire to have emails, texts, etc. retuned, I also appreciated my DD discovering her own independence. So many parents now helicopter and want to be involved in every aspect of their kids' lives, texting between every class, wanting to know who's at what party, it's almost like they wish to be at school themselves. It's a fine line of too much and not enough contact. Hopefully you and your daughter find a communication style that works well for you both, and I hope you empty nest heart heals. You've done good work to raise an independent young woman.

And that's great, Anniegirl. It's wonderful it all worked out for you. But in the OP's case, her children are older, and very established in their lives in the town they've grown up in. They have loved and lost their father there. It's understandable they may not want to follow their mother to whatever new town she may have found happiness in. They might be down with the new husband but they might not want to move to Pocatello. OP: where do YOU want to live? Is there anywhere that doing the wither though goest thing? It's 2015. You can live as you please, if you have resources and a career. In Utah, you live where your late husband has lived for generations. That's very nice, and comforting. In Idaho, you have our old boyfriend, now husband, but is that truly your future? Has Idaho always been your dream locale? It seems important for you to have your children to have continuity, and that is a very fine goal, are you OK with that? Remember, you can have the marriage you now have without co-habitating. It's not the norm, but not completely off the wall either.There are planes, trains and automobiles. It's understandable that the new husband (not to mention the ex-wife and the 3 kids) don't want to leave their home. Hopefully you can find a way to live that makes everyone happy, it doesn't need to be traditional, and it can work. Wishing you the best.

I'm totally projecting here, but I think Jill Biden is an unsung hero here. She seems like the perfect spouse for a widower and mother of motherless children. It seems unlike that she is the type of second wife who might lose her shit if there are too many pictures of the first wife. She seems like someone who would be sensitive to her husband's remembrance of the anniversary of the death, of birthdays, and her husband's very public discussions of grief. I imagine she feels if these conversations help people it's a good thing. No shrinking violet, Ms. Biden is a career woman in her own right: a university president and volunteer for veterans' rights and breast health. She and Mr. Biden added a daughter of their own to his family of two boys who were shattered when Mr. Biden's first wife and daughter were killed by what is largely thought to be a drunk driver. The first Mrs. Biden just set out on an ordinary errand with her three children safely (she must have thought) in the family station wagon with the Christmas tree tied on top. Jill was the replacement mother for the two surviving children, and it would seem she did her job well. When Beau died, there's no doubt she grieve him as her own child. Wherever the next few years take the Bidens, I wish them well. That anyone would think their grief is for show?.well that only projects their own character.

It's not an entirely gripping book, but the ideas and the way it makes one think is good - so not all bad. I'm going to plow through a bit more this weekend. Gabzmom, where did you find the discussion questions? A cursory google search didn't yield up much for me, so glad to hear there's a starting point for our group.

Your mom's a rockstar and your MIL is a complete bitch. Agree with the above advice to unfriend her from your FB. No need to be "friends" with such a toxic woman. Just for clarity: who wanted the big embalming/laying out/church-y funeral/expensive tombstone? You? or Mil? If it was you, you likely need to pay back MIL. If it was MIL, well, it's on her. If it was a mutually agreed upon expense, probably, split the difference. Death is so expensive in our culture, and funeral directors and religious traditions can really jack the bill up. There's a lot to be said for cremation and/or plain pine boxes.

Is it just me? Or does everyone else just love the expression on the cat's face? He's like "I can't believe she is sending so much $$ to a strange man she met over the internet!!"

Anniegirl has some very astute observations, sometimes the hardest questions are the best ones. Something that stands out for me, after reading the post about your move and how difficult it was that you lost weight and were almost hospitalized was the fact that your new guy made the suggestion you leave everything behind. He was content to sit on the sidelines and didn't do what other men might do - show up with a truck, help you sort and pack and set up your new home with needed items from your previous life. It turned out not so good for you and not so good for your landlord (a woman who showed your generosity by forgiving rent owed) but if his idea for you was not to sleep or sit on anything Kenneth had slept or sat on, he got his wish. From what you've said, he's a wonderful guy, and has shown you a new way to live, and those are good things. Still, I'd be cautious of anyone telling me what to do, or who I was allowed to be friends with, either IRL or on social media. From your posts you appear to be a kind and very caring person, and you always show support for others. You've made a challenging move, and are in a new home in a new town with a new job and are already making friends. That says a lot about you. There sometimes seems to be a general way of thinking here that new relationships post widowhood are so, so challenging, that it's just par for the course. I don't really agree that it needs to be that way. There are all kinds of examples that prove otherwise, whether the new relationship is with another widowed or divorced or previously single person. It really truly does not have to be so hard. Honor the past, live in the present, and look toward the future. Having said all that, I wish you only the best, icoxwell, and hope you continue to be the valued member here that you are. People here need you as much as you need them.

Until our country is ready to have a real discussion (and by this I mean a REAL discussion - not "my uncle hunts and we need full access to firearms") about guns, and gun violence, we're going to continue to have these incidents occur with the frequency they seem to. There are simply way too many unbalanced people having their hands on guns who shouldn't be. Other countries must shake their heads in wonder why we keep allowing this to happen.

What if we set a date for anyone interested to read the entire book and discuss? I'ver really only scratched the surface of it and am looking forward to finishing it and enjoying a discussion. So, to be arbitrary, how about the middle of September sometime? Will that work for everyone given work schedules and other distractions? This is an interesting book and should be a worthwhile discussion.

My rule is this: I will not be disrespected in my own home, nor do I not tolerate disrespect to others in my own home. It's that simple and that complicated. If anyone's having such a tough time they need to take it out on others, there are channels to take, like hashing it out at the dinner table or if need be, therapy. Sometimes saging can only go so far Teens can be tough; I have a newly turned 13 year old myself and this is not my first trip to the rodeo. Like others here have said, taking privileges away for inappropriate behavior is a worthwhile response. It goes a looooong way.

OK, I have gotten my copy and have started it. If anyone's interested, the dead dad chapter is 5. It's interesting, and certainly food for thought. Who's reading and who wants to chat about it?

Fern. Try not to be confrontational about this. My son went into kindergarten two months after his dad died in a car accident. I put in in the school information and let it go at that. At the end of the day, he just needed to be a normal student and blend into the class, which he did. Everything turned out OK. The back story was just the back story, and all the other students have them too, though losing a dad is a pretty big back story. If you're able to, as I was, volunteer with the class, make friends (not enemies) with the teacher. It's all going to be all right in the end. Really, it is.

I saw the trailer for the upcoming film "Suffragette" today. Robyn Sherwood covers this song (even better than Stevie Nicks, blasphemy I know):

I'd love to join this discussion! One of my great pleasures in life is reading books and talking about them. I'm in a book group, so an online version would be interesting. Not familiar with this book, and never have read Malcolm Gladwell, but there is a copy of "The Tipping Point" on my shelves; my late husband read and loved it. Will get a copy of this and join the conversation.

You might want to do some actual research on Carly Fiorina. She is one of those anti-government hacks the Republicans love (unless they are Republican governors or senators) and has run several failed campaigns to work for the government as senator or governor of California. As someone running on a "the U.S. is a business" platform, she has as her stock in trade, her experience as CEO of Hewlett Packard. Where she made a terrible 19 billion dollar gamble that didn't work, and axed 30,000 jobs. So she's not so well thought of in the business sector. And on issues like healthcare, a woman's right to choose, marriage equality, education, her views are somewhat archaic. As for the OP's original question about Donald Trump: no, he won't be President. He's not even qualified to work in the gift shop at the White House. Every time he opens his mouth, stupid falls out.

Can I tell you how much I loved this story? (nipples, she said nipples ;D )

I'm so sorry for all your multiple losses, Hikermom. Sometimes it is just?.too much. Three years, as I remember, was pretty tough. There's the feeling you just want things to be - what? Better, different, but the loss is still so present. I just passed 8 years and still miss my husband. It's so tiring, being in charge of so much, kids, work, the house and property. Sometimes it would be great if someone else just took the reins for awhile. How is your dog doing now? Our wonderful Rottweiler/Lab mix hung on for several years after Jeff died, and it was so difficult when she was ill. Wishing all the best for you and your daughter. A bear, yikes. We have had our share of wildlife this year, more so as a result of the California drought, foxes, bobcats and more than the occasional deer in the garden. On another, completely unrelated note, I've made your Annie Chun's wonton & spinach recipe more than a few times. It is seriously good and seriously easy. Thank you for the share. Hoping the next few days life is a bit easier for you.

You may be thinking of the the old ywbb "Special Circumstances" category where those who were gay were encouraged to tell their stories. Here, it appears that anyone is able to share in whatever forum fits best for them, be it whatever timeline they are on, social, or parenting.There is no need for a "separate but equal" forum. This is not Birmingham, Alabama in 1963. The world has changed a lot, and most of us welcome that. While it may be inconvenient to think we don't come here to discuss political issues, so many topics come up that are in fact political. A few examples: * Social Security - a New Deal Democratic program that benefits widows and chidden and keeps many out of poverty. Also a program that allows disabled widows and early retirement aged widows to live in some sort of reasonable dignity. This is political. * The Affordable Care Act - Many widows are abruptly removed from their spouses' insurance plans. Some have pre-existing conditions or children in college or starting their working lives. There are many ways this helps people. This is political. * Gun Control. - Always a hot button issue. Numerous widows have been affected by the easy access to guns, either by suicide or murder. Often the Second Amendment fetishists will weigh in with their opinions regarding firearm laws. This is political. * Fighting for increased enforcement of drunk driving or medical malpractice laws. Many here have been widowed as a result of negligence at the hands of another. We go to our state legislators to hear our voices heard. This is political. Yes, we come here for support and share our stories. Yes, there are other "places" we can go to discuss inconvenient political issues. But we also come here to share in each others' joys and disappointments. Others on this thread have given great insight on how to navigate the board so not much more to add to that other than to skip the parts that don't seem to work for you. Wishing you the best, and a big PS shout-out to Gretchen: thank you for being so honest and sharing your story with us. I admire you!

Between this wonderful historic ruling, the ACA ruling, and sanity around the Confederate flag, it's a pretty good week for the US. Peace to all!

You've received some good advice here, as well as some not so good feedback. It may feel as though you've been abandoned by your friends and community, but that's likely not so. Your pastor probably had a holiday planned before your husband's untimely death - you'll still need him in the future and he'll be there for you. Your friends and neighbors who were on the scene last week are giving you space because they know your mother and daughters are there for you, which is true, right? In time, they'll reach out to you or you'll reach out to them. Everyone is trying to figure out the new normal here. You will be surprised by the kindness and support that will come your family's way. Your son is concerned about the future, and rightly so. He is not your enemy. Reassure him that you're going to be OK, but right now you're all going through a terrible transition. You're going to show him that you're stepping up to head-of-household status. It may not be tomorrow or next week or next month, but you're going to prove that you have inner strength and will tackle household issues, financial issues and be the confident woman that you are. In the meantime, go easy on yourself and those around you. Allow yourself the time to grieve and take care of your fragile self.