MrsDan

Personally I think teenagers have no business driving. I know that I can be overprotective in some ways, but I really don't think this is about that. I just don't think most 15-16 year olds have the maturity or ability to make quick decisions in a crisis situation to warrant driving at that age. I just don't, and my DD will not be driving until she's 18. Now, our circumstances mean that there are cases where it's necessary. I've heard of a lot of widows that depend on their teenage kids being able to drive, and that's understandable. But if you don't need them to, you can tell them to wait. I don't think you have any obligation to let them start driving when they are 16 just because the state says they can.

Fuck the winter storm. Fuck it!

My boyfriend has offered to help me back them up, as well as get in Dan's locked phone (yeah, that's just the kind of guy he is). But I think there's a part of me that just likes having them on my phone.

My voicemail is almost completely full, of messages from my husband that I can't erase, because you know, he's dead, and my boyfriend, which I won't erase, because, you know, he could die too.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend was talking about being tired, and he said, "Have you ever been so tired that you could fall asleep instantly, wherever you are?" I replied, "Every single second for the last three and a half years." I really didn't intend to be so direct; it just shot out of my mouth. Because it's been the dominant state for so long, in some ways I've just become accustomed to it. I back tracked a little bit, tried to explain that grief is tiring in a way most people don't realize. But I wasn't being particularly hyperbolic, although it has been a bit better lately, (in large part because of him). But yeah, I'm tired. I'm physically tired, but more and more I'm just tired of carrying a pain that will never go away.

Thanks all. I think it may be a growth spurt; her pants all pretty much became floods overnight and yesterday we had to make our first foray into the little girls section to get socks for her monster feet. It just seems to have been going on longer than I would have expected. She has always been an early riser, and that usually doesn't change even if she goes to bed later. Right now she usually wakes up anywhere from 6-7 am, but she has to stay in her room until 7. Her bedtime is usually between 7:30 and 8.

And now they are coming out of the woodwork. Got a FB message from a long gone family friend and my brother.

I think there are times, and this may be one of them, where "running away" is appropriate. Think about it. When there is danger, we run away. If you were under attack from a dangerous animal, you would run away (not bears, don't run from them, you'll never outrun a bear). Sometimes it's healthier to run from something than to fight it. Sure you could try to resituate your surroundings, you could bear down and fight to make it less painful. And if you are successful, so what? Why does anyone need to do that? To prove something? To whom? Your only obligation is to your child, and if "running away" helps you create a life for your child that isn't clouded by constant in your face reminders then do that. It wasn't my intention to run away from anything; I knew that wasn't possible. That the pain would follow me wherever I went. And it's still there, right up in my face. But it's not punching me in the face repeatedly. I have to go back to my hometown in a couple weeks to take DD to see her grandparents and I am dreading it. It will set me back, make things hard for a week. Does that mean I never dealt with my grief? No it means I found a way to make the day to day more bearable. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

DD, who turns four in July, has been complaining of being tired a lot lately. She gave up naps completely a few months ago. The last few weekends, she's been saying she wants to lay down, so we lay down in my bed for about 45 minutes. Well, she fidgets for about 15 minutes, reads to me for about 20, then I sit up and read to her the rest of the time. This morning she said she didn't want to go to school because she "doesn't sleep really well there." In the evenings especially she does seem really tired. I assumed there would be a transition period once she gave up naps but assumed that would be over by now. My sister thought maybe she was going through a growth spurt or something that could be making her extra tired. Should I be worried?

Like Gracelet, I don't cry at pictures generally unless I'm going through several pictures at once. Which I generally try to avoid. I tend to cry more at music. No just songs that he liked, but songs that speak to my feelings about certain things.

It's ok. You do what you have to do. I've moved twice since Dan died in the fall of 2012. Both times were to make things easier to raise DD and two dogs on my own. But they had the added effect of incrementally helping me to deal with my grief. The first move, it got me out of the immediate surroundings I shared with Dan, although it was still close enough where I had to experiences places we had been to together, if not every day. Then last May I moved to a new state (From Chicago metro to Detroit metro). Getting out of that area has helped tremendously. My new job is intense and radically different and that plus learning the new area took up so much energy, energy I couldn't direct towards thinking about Dan. I started dating, and have been in a relationship for a couple of months and not only would I not have met him had I stayed where I was, I don't think I would have even considered dating. It was a kind of reset, I think. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't fix things. But it did help, on a day to day level especially.

I don't expect her to get it. I expected her to acknowledge that she had no idea what I was going through and therefore had no business judging me. Plenty of non-widowed people were capable of doing that, so I don't think it was an unreasonable expectation. And let me be clear. It's not just that she wasn't there for me. She laid into me about things she found fault with about me at a time when I was just trying to survive. My husband was so miserable he sought an escape that killed him. How do you think that made his wife feel? I hated myself, I mean pure straight hated myself for what I let happen to Dan, a part of me always will. She really and truly kicked me when I was down. And what that means is that she indirectly kicked DD, because DD needed a mother who believed in herself, who believed she could do this. As far as forgiveness goes, I understand the concept of forgiving someone for your own benefit, not theirs. I used to see it that way. I do not anymore. Now, I see it as something that takes energy that I just don't have. Maybe it's because I have to direct so much towards forgiving Dan, and forgiving myself. I just don't have it for anyone else. Not for this. She is not just asking for forgiveness, she is asking to be a part of our lives. That cannot happen. For one thing, she chose to hurt me terribly rather than support me during some of the hardest times of my grief. She doesn't get to come back into our lives now that I'm managing things more to her liking. Her actions isolated me from my family. The other night my mom was telling my boyfriend things, pretty big things about my family. It was the first time I had heard much of it. I suppose some would argue that I chose to leave, but I can tell you that is not what happened. She pushed me out. And that is a part of my life, my past that I cannot easily step back into.

Thank you for your thoughts. Our relationship has often been complicated. She and my brother are fourteen and twelve years older than me respectively. I have another sister that's just fifteen months older than me (who I am still on good terms with) and there have always been some weird tensions between the two "batches" of kids. We were always in different places in our lives than them, and there are issues involving our parents, a few of which she referenced in that letter. We had all gotten to a better place, but then Dan died. Initially they were all very supportive. But then my brother stopped calling, and when he came to visit right before the infamous letter, I think he was somewhat startled by my appearance, and just where I was at. A few days later I got the letter from my sister. My brother called I think once since then. But it was always hard maintaining a relationship with him, and after Dan died, well frankly I just didn't really care to. So I haven't spoken to him in two years either. The other thing is that frankly I don't think her wording was particularly great. She takes responsibility, I guess, but her word choice, well, I don't think the language is that of someone truly sorry for her actions. I think she regrets the response it engendered, or even that it hurt me, but it's not clear to me that she truly understands how hurtful it was and why. Another fact is, although she says she misses us, I think it has very little to do with missing me and more to do with wanting to be a part of DD's life. I don't blame her for that; she's a great little kid who much of the family is watching grow up on FB (by virtue of being friends with Dan). But wanting to be a part of DD's life isn't enough, in my opinion, to earn it. If she couldn't deal with me then I don't know how she's going to now. Even if I may be more agreeable to be around now, I sort of feel like she threw away the right to experience that. She told me to grieve in my own way, in my own time but that was complete horse shit. Maybe if she had waited, been patient, she would see someone who is still very much in pain but much more functional. Max2507, I don't know if I can forgive her. Yes life is short, but that can mean it's too short to put up with people who are not good for your well-being. As SVS pointed out, I've built something of a life for myself here, and without her support. There have been people who have been there for me, without judgment and those people are still part of my life. I've had bumps in the road with others (namely Dan's parents) and I've managed to mend those fences. But this is different I was thinking actually yesterday about that. Why was I able to get past my issues with them, and not with my sister? And then I realized, it's because they lost a child. Their son. They get more slack. It's just the way it is. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to put it away for a while , and take it out periodically and think about it. But I'm considering explaining this to her. I'd always assumed that if she ever reached out to me, and I wasn't able to let her back in my life, I just wouldn't respond. But now I'm thinking that's just shitty, and more than a little cowardly. Right now I'm more inclined to tell her that I have to try to build a life for myself and my daughter. That involves things that require an enormous amount of mental and emotional energy. Consequently, I'm just not in a place where I can consider what she's really asking for (forgiveness, to be a part of our life) in any meaningful way.

Some of you from the old board may remember that I am estranged from my oldest sister. It stems from an email she sent me almost two years ago telling me how harmful my grief was to my daughter and the rest of the family. She said some grossly inappropriate things, made more so by the fact that she had no idea what she was talking about. It wrecked me for weeks. She said she would never apologize for writing that letter. She texted a couple times about trivial matters and I did not respond. It essentially ended my relationships with most of my family, because her kids never made any attempts to reach out to me or anything. Since then I have moved out of state, started a new job, bought another house, and started a relationship with a wonderful man. Before I moved, I got some papers related to a trust my mom had set up for DD (My sister's husband handles her finances). In the papers he left a note telling me to give my sister a call before I left. Um, okay. If she wanted to fix her mess, maybe she should have picked up the phone. Then this morning she sent me an email apologizing. I'm not sure what precipitated this. My mom came to visit this weekend. She met my boyfriend. Maybe my mom told her about him, and she thinks I'm fixed to the point of being approachable. I post pictures of DD on FB; my sister and I are not friends but she 's friends with DD and Dan, so she sees things if I tag one of them. A couple weeks ago I posted a photo he had taken of DD and me. It was the first photo I've posted of myself since Dan died. And man, people couldn't fall over themselves fast enough liking it and gushing over how great it was that I had posted it. Now, my widow friends, and a few others, I know they get it. It was a big step. To tell the truth, I did look happy, and I never thought that was possible, and it had pretty much had to do with the guy who took the picture. But other people, the people who blew me off or disappeared, acknowledgement from those people frankly aggravated me. I love my boyfriend, and the reality is he has made things easier to bear on a day to day basis. But I am not "fixed." And I don't appreciate people coming out of the woodwork now that they think I am. I'm not sure if that's what 's happening with my sister. But really? An email? PICK UP THE PHONE! I realize that's probably a really scary prospect. But FFS, she's 53 years old. And I confront abject horror every day in the form of memories and images and the sheer knowledge that Dan died, and died horribly. She's scared? Give me a fucking break. I don't want to discuss these feelings too much with my BF, because he's very close with his family and frankly I'm embarrassed that I'm estranged from most of mine. I mean he knows, but I'm afraid I won't be able to talk about this without sounding crazy and bitter. So this is just a gripe session I guess.

My mom visited this weekend, so my BF came over for dinner and they met. It was he and DD's second meeting; they played a little bit and she seemed very comfortable with him. We spent a bit of time after DD went to bed visiting with my mom, then went to his place. It was very nice.

Offended. Terms of endearment (in this case "beautiful" qualifies) need to be earned. I mean, my dad and my husband used terms of endearment, and when guys I don't know use then, I think, who do think you are? Do you actually think you're on par with them? And telling me I'm sexy before we've gotten to know one another is just creepy. My BF never mentioned my looks, until our first date when all he said was that my pictures did not do me justice. He told me later that he was very blown away, but did not want to come off as only interested in that. He had to restrain himself from "checking me out" too much. In fact, I was starting to wonder if he was really attracted to me at all, a fact he finds pretty comical. It was only after thing became physical that he expounded on my looks.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there any chance that counseling might help? Or do you think your husband would be unwilling to try? Even if that's the case, maybe a counselor could identify some strategies that you haven't thought of. I wish I could do something for you and your kids, I really do. My father died when I was 21. It was fairly sudden, and I struggled for a long time, so I can empathize. But I did manage to pull it together, and get to a good place (well until Dan died, but you know what I mean).

Oh man, there are so many accounts, I have no idea what they even are. I really need a personal assistant. I have never been good at the daily business of life in that way. It's just too hard to stay on top of it. Now that it's just me it's impossible. Which reminds me, I've got to start getting my tax shit together. It's going to be an absolute nightmare this year, with two jobs in two different states, a rental property, a new house purchase. AGHHHHHH!!!!!

Well, not great. She cried, wanted to go right to bed again. So, I think we're going to just keep trying. That's a good idea about having special she can only do with the babysitter. I agree it's probably not a good idea to give in, I just wasn't sure if once a week was expecting too much from her. My mom is visiting right now. Tonight I'll go out after she goes to bed, but tomorrow he is performing so I'll need to leave earlier. Hopefully she won't give my mom the same grief.

Last night I was telling BF about how one of my locks is broken and he offered to fix it this weekend. I declined. He kept bringing it up, but so I had to tell him no without making a big deal of it. I had to become very independent very fast, and I don't want to become dependent on something like that. The other thing is, I had to nag Dan constantly for help. Unless he considered it important, he wouldn't do it. I had to stay on him, and then I was the bad guy for nagging him. It's like it never occurred to him to just do something for me, because it gave me peace of mind or simply because I asked. I won't put myself in that position again. If I don't have expectations I won't be disappointed. I can do those things on my own. What I do need and what I can accept are words of support and affection. Let me tell you, BF does both of those things incredibly well. But I'm not ready to accept help with my house.

I'm very sorry about your niece and hope she gets those lungs. Life can just be so unfair.

I think it depends on how easy you find them to talk to. Because if you can talk on the phone, and find yourself never running out of things to talk about, then it's much easier to make long distance work. And frankly, in my experience that ability needs to be in place to make any relationship work. BF and I only live 30 minutes apart, but we're both very busy and each have a child. We do see each other a few nights a week, but on the other nights we talk on the phone, often for a couple hours.

I told Dan's siblings first, over the phone. They were very excited and happy for me. BIL said he would let me tell his wife. At the end of the conversation I told him he could tell her, and he got excited and said "Oh I am totally telling her!" I expected it to be harder for my SIL but it wasn't. Dan's parents I told in person when they came to visit. My MIL jumped up and hugged me. I told them I was concerned about their feelings about it, and my FIL said, "Well, you have to move on." I said, "Well, this is what I mean, I don't like that term, I prefer moving forward." "Well, whatever," was his response, but that's his response about a lot of things. But my MIL knew what I meant and agreed. Then she asked what he did, and when I told her (professional musician and adjunct professor) she asked if he had insurance. But the really funny part came when she offered to take DD any time BF and I wanted to get away for a weekend! I pictured Dan saying, "Aw no Mom, what are you doing? they're banging!" But then I thought about it and realized Dan would probably be laughing his ass off about that.

A little background, for those who don't know. DH died in October 2012 when DD was not quite three months old. Aside from going to work, I essentially became a recluse, excepting an occasional lunch with a friend, or another friend staying with us when she was separated from her husband. The only people who ever watched her outside of daycare were family - Dan's parents or siblings, my mom, or my sister. Then we moved to another state. We stayed with Dan's brother's family for about six months, until we got settled, about an hour away from them. Shortly before we left BIL's, I started dating. I have been seeing BF since November, and it became more serious around the New Year. He lives about 30 minutes away, but works one night a week in my town. He goes out of town every other weekend, and we're both busy with our kids most of the weekends. We talk every night on the phone, and lately he's been coming to my house 1-3 nights a week. Sometimes he'll come by my work or I'll meet him nearby for lunch. One night a week, I hire a babysitter, and we get together; usually I'll go to his place or go watch him play (he's a musician.) The first few times, I put DD to bed then went out. But she was bent that I was leaving at all, even if it was after I put her to bed. Then I had the sitter put her to bed and it went great; she texted to say they played, did puzzles. Then the next time it didn't go well, she wanted me to put her to bed, an hour early before I left. But it turned out she was actually sick. I took a week off; BF came over instead. So I thought the next time would be better. She cried, I left, and she was inconsolable and insisted on going to bed. Tonight the sitter is coming over at her usual time, but BF isn't free until later. So I thought the sitter, DD, and I would spend some time playing together, and then I would go out, but still before DD goes to bed. I discussed this issue with her last night. Basically, she wants me to put her to bed. I told her that I usually do, but one night a week the sitter will be putting her to bed. She is very upset about this. My hope is that eventually she'll get used to it, but I'm not sure this kind of exposure therapy is appropriate. Is it unreasonable for me to have the sitter put her to bed one night a week? I'm not really comfortable doing more than that, and frankly I couldn't really afford to. BF is very understanding that I can only go out one night a week. He has a child but does not have custody and sees her on the weekends. He's been more than generous in coming to me. But I think it's fair that I go to him once a week. But is that expecting too much of my kid? I was worried and we took a week off, and that made it worse. It doesn't seem as though he's the issue; they met and it went great. It's not the sitter as far as I can tell; she's a nanny, so she knows what she's doing. What's fair? Would I even be feeling guilty about this if Dan was alive and we got a sitter to go out once a week? But then, we'd still be in our old town and would have grandparents as an option.

BF and I started chatting online in mid September. We met in early November. Mutually agreed to be exclusive in late December. DD met him last week. I wanted to introduce them far more quickly than I thought I would. But I also found myself having much stronger feelings about him than I ever thought I would about another man. I had a lot of notions in my head. I thought I would want to wait six months to make introductions, but I also didn't anticipate saying I love you so soon and without feeling conflicted about it. However, she is only 3 1/2 and has no memory of her father. And I feel very strongly about him; if things were to not work out, I would not see myself going down this road for a very long time. What are your feelings towards him? Do you see this being long term?