MrsDan

Like TooSoon, I miss the sharing the responsibilities. I miss being able to say, this is too much, you handle it. However, I know those days are gone. Having to become the sole person responsible for my household was such a rude awakening, such a traumatic adjustment, I will never go through that again. My BF likes the fact that I am so capable, it's one of the things that he finds attractive about me. But even if he, or anyone else for that matter wanted to come in and take some of the burden off my plate, that wouldn't work. The me that was happy to let another person share that burden, the me that was capable of it is gone now. Now that I know what I can do, I can't see myself letting myself ever become that vulnerable again.

Thank you all for your thoughts. DD and BF finally met last night. It went really well. At first she clung to me and buried her face into my shoulder, but then we sat on the couch while he sat on the chair and she opened up a bit. He joked with her, and asked a few silly questions, but wasn?t too pushy. He also played the piano a little, which I think she liked (Let it Go from Frozen; I think he must have listened to it before coming over because he has not seen the movie but can play by ear. So I think that is incredibly sweet.) Then she colored at the table while he ate. She asked me to take a picture of her, and then he asked if he could take a picture of her and I. I took her up to get ready for bed, and she asked if she could say goodnight to him. So it went really well. I think it was the right amount of time, just under an hour. It was really encouraging, not just because of how I feel about him but also because she has often been uncomfortable with men generally. That has been a source of concern to me. Now that they have met, I really see no reason to hide it. It was our intention for the introduction to happen weeks ago, but things (mostly sickness) kept getting in the way of that. And it didn't feel right for her to know he was spending the night until they had met. I guess I could have held off overnights until then, but I honestly didn't see how she would have a clue. I appreciate everyone's perspective. I know I don't have to justify anything to anyone but myself, but this has actually helped me do just that.

"Please don't ever apologize for talking about him." That is what my boyfriend said to me the other day. I do try not to talk about him too much. I try to say "I" and "my" instead of "we" and "our". But I do share with him not just the positive but also the negative things, not just related to grief, but also our relationship, which was not perfect. It's different for me, because our relationship is very new, so a lot of this is about getting to know one another. Loving and losing Dan shaped you I am, so it's really impossible to share who I am with my boyfriend without those things being part of the discussion. We also talk about his ex in the context of their child. We were talking about their relationship one time and he said he was uncomfortable with it. I asked him why, and he said "well, you and I are dating, so it's weird for me to be talking about a previous relationship." I said, "Oh, like you mean when I talk about my husband?" Good point, was his response. Because that really doesn't seem to bother him; in fact he often thanks me for sharing with him. But also, it comes yup because I feel like there are a lot of lessons I've learned and perspectives I have as a result of my grief, and they seem relevant when we're talking about an issue he's dealing with.

I moved to the suburbs north of Detroit back in May, but I'm from Chicago. My ILs and some friends are still there, so I have an excuse to get back that way, although I'm not great about it.

I consider it acceptable behavior for two consenting adults in an exclusive relationship to sleep in the same room. There are plenty of things that adults do that are not acceptable for children or teenagers to do. Adults still do them, and in front of their children. Plenty of parents, for example, drink in front of their children. That will never, ever happen in my house. Alcohol completely destroyed our lives, and it's presence is completely unwelcome and therefore forbidden in our home. Most married couples sleep in the same bed. Is marriage alone what makes it acceptable? So, it's more acceptable for say, two 18 year olds who got married after a month together to sleep in the same room than it is for two adults in their mid to late 30s who have been seasoned by some serious difficulties and trauma that most people never have to confront? BF and I discussed it a bit, and we each made a few good points I think. What my daughter will learn from my actions and example is that other people's feelings, including those of her mother and the man her mother loves, matter. He came over last night because he got some devastating news. I could not leave my daughter to be there for him, so he came to my home. And no, neither one of us wanted him to leave. Because we are two very busy single working parents, that time we spend during overnights is precious. The alternative is basically for me to be celibate and alone. Is that fair? When my daughter was not quite three months old, I learned that my husband had been drinking heavily, to the point that days later he was dead. I lost everything I believed in. Rather than ending the excruciating pain that came with the loss of my best friend and his betrayal, I got up every day and took care of my child. I ate so I could nurse. I worked so we'd have a place to live. I bought and renovated two homes, relocated to a place I'd never been to take a job I hate so that I could cut my commute and spend more time with her. For three years I did next to nothing socially; apart from an occasional lunch with a friend and an hour or two of TV in the evenings, I did nothing for myself. All the time questioning how Dan felt about me, if he ever cared about me at all. It destroyed me, and there was nothing in that wreckage that had the makings of a good mother. So I'm sorry, but when I have the opportunity to be held by a man I love and respect, to be told I'm smart and beautiful when I've spent the last three years hating and doubting myself, well I guess I'm not strong enough, not enough of a mommy martyr not to take it.

SVS, I am very sorry about your beloved cat. I completely understand how something like this can trigger memories of "that day." Today I was thinking about my FIL's diagnosis, and I thought about how he was the one who caught me when I buckled when the surgeon told me they could not save Dan. I understand your kids' fear of the triggers, and how like so many things, this is about so much more than what it is. It's a cat, but it isn't. It's a member of the family of course, but it's also a thread. Like so many things inextricably connected to their loss. You tug on it just a bit and it pulls you right back there. I get it.

Annie, You are absolutely right; I fully acknowledge that I drastically underestimated what this three and a half year old has had the ability to piece together. One night, I put on lipstick before the babysitter arrived ("Why do you have red lips? Are you going out?"). A month ago I was toying with the idea of taking her to a holiday party at my BF's family's. (it fell through for unrelated reasons). I came here for advice and most people assured me she doesn't understand what he is, she'll just think he's mommy's friend. That made a lot of sense When I brought up the subject of her meeting my friend, N, she immediately said no, she didn't want to because she's shy. Okay, well she is shy, so I backed off. It seemed a more extreme reaction than she's had when meeting babysitters, but not that different than when she met some of my coworkers, so I tried not to make to much of it. When I brought it up again, she said ,"No, I just want it to be you and Daddy." WTF?! She has no memory of the two of us together. There really is no reason she should have any idea what the nature of our relationship was, except for my obvious sadness at his absence. But this is the same kid who said, "You miss Daddy. You take off your glasses and you miss him." I take of my glasses when I cry. What I'm realizing is I can make no assumptions about what she does and doesn't understand.

I couldn't decide if this should go here or in the parenting section. But here goes. My boyfriend came over last night after DD went to bed. It got late and he spent the night. He's spent the night a couple times before. He stays in my room until after I leave to take DD to school and DD doesn't see him. We put his stuff in the closet. She has a noise machine in her room that she has slept with, full blast, since she was a baby. This morning DD and I had the following exchange when she woke up. DD: Is someone here? Me: What? What are you talking about? DD: Whose car is that? There are two cars outside. Me: Uh, lots of people drive cars. I look outside. There are no streetlights and it is pitch black. His car is dark grey. You can barely make out his car from her window. The whole time I?m thinking, shit shit shit shit. They have not met yet. We've tried, but stuff keeps getting in the way. It may happen this week, but who knows. Once that occurs, frankly (and I know I'm going to get blasted for this) I kind of feel like it's my business who spends the night in my room. Evidently, it's not possible to hide it from her. I don't plan on her seeing him in my room, but I feel inclined to be honest if she asks (once they've met). We are two busy single parents in an exclusive relationship. I like sleeping with him (I'm actually talking about sleep here) and that's not going to happen at his house. I feel like in the wake of Dan's death I've done a lot, given a lot, all for her. I'm not sure giving up spending that time, that closeness is something I'm willing to do. And I'm wondering what kind of mother that makes me.

You know, the more I think about this, I think the end of day two means an automatic break up. That's not something one can just come back from.

Fuck people getting worked up about shit that does not matter. I am so sick of stupid cock blocking bullshit!

I'm very sorry you are going through this CW. It sucks, even if "it's for the best."

My thoughts are similar to Serpico's. The way you describe it, it sounds like the main difference in your situations is that she has a scapegoat and you don't. One of the hardest things for me to make people understand is how difficult it is being the sole person to meet DD's needs. There is no other person who comes close to the role I play in her life. I am the sole decision maker, and the sole person who represents "home" to her. It is a tremendous responsibility, one that is very overwhelming in a way that is very hard to describe. But I don't look at it as having no one else to blame. I look at it as having no one else to support my decision, or no one else to overrule me. People can provide input or validation but frankly no one else's opinion matters as much as the other parent. It kind of concerns me that she views their parenting so separately. Whether she likes or not, she has a partner in parenting. It's not like she parents part of the time, and he parents the other. They are both parents 100 per cent of the time; custodial and visitation arrangements aside. So, if the child manifests some bad behavior, she can't say, it's his father's share of the parenting that caused that to happen. Parenting isn't parsed out so neatly, at least, I don't see how it could be. It also kind of seems that setting her ex up as a scapegoat provides her with a safety net, an excuse not to be the best possible parent she can be.

Dumb luck. Seriously, that's a lot of it. BF and I met on OKCupid. My coworker met hers on there as well. But the thing about that site is that they don't show you all your matches. I think their thinking is, they don't want you to find true love too soon, or you'll leave the site right away. I think that strategy works against them though, because people get fatigued. I can't even remember if he showed up in my matches ever, or if I only noticed him because he visited me. I do know that after we started communicating, he did not show up in my matches. Unless I did quick match. Then he showed up every single time. I was very, very lucky; I only went out with five or six other guys. But my point is that's what it is, luck.

My husband died in October 2012, and my status on FB is still married to him. I've been seeing someone the last few months and he hasn't said anything to me about it. He's incredibly understanding about Dan, but if it ever starts to bother him I will discuss changing it. I would never change it to widow because of the creeper thing. It also severs the link between you and your spouse's page, which I don't like.

People just do not understand how hard it is, and this actually reminds me of kind of a funny story. We traveled an exhibition recently, and I asked one of my coworkers (the biggest offender in terms of dumping things on me) to please give me all the information on it since I was not there when it was installed. After trying to explain it for a few minutes she said, "You know, that was such a strange and hard time; my husband's dad was sick so he went to take care of him and I had to take care of our daughter all by myself." To me. She said that to me. I should have said something, but I was just so shocked that she, who knows my situation, said that to me. I should have said, "Oh I can only imagine how hard that was. No wait, I don't have to imagine because I have been doing that for three fucking years!" BTW, because she did not get me the information I needed I was scrambling right up until the thing went out the door. I almost had to have BIL pick DD up so I could work late but fortunately managed to finish.

Oh man. Just one thing can totally mess up these machines we have so perfectly oiled, so when there's more than one, it's actually ridiculous. "Why, hello, monkey wrench. What's that, you'd like to invite some of your friends along? Well actually I don't think that's a good, oh well here you all are. Make yourselves comfortable." What your boss did was so shitty; it galls me when people pile stuff on others that are already handling so much. I find that happening a lot at my job - people dumping shit on me that they could easily do themselves.

I just learned from my MIL that my FIL has lung cancer, and it's stage four. She didn't want to stay on the phone; much like after Dan died, she's trying to stay strong. I got off the phone with her and cried. I held Neelah, who adores and is adored by my FIL, and just sobbed. More than anything for my daughter. Is that selfish? She loves her Papa. He has been the one constant male presence, the only male she was comfortable with for a very long time after Dan died. And I'll have to watch her grieve him, the way I never had to watch her grieve Dan.

Thanks Trying. I really appreciate your perspective. In other news, I still really, really hate my job. I'm still cleaning up messes I inherited, and cleaning up messes I made myself because I didn't really know what I was doing. I have been completely unmotivated lately. I have so much to do, both at work and at home and I just don't want to do any of it. I have a cold, so maybe that's why it seems especially bad today.

Guaruj?, what I'm finding is that the happier I am with my boyfriend, the angrier I am with Dan. I have shared with him a bit if this, and that some of my feelings probably seem really fucked up. He said, no, they seem perfectly normal to him, but he also understands why they would feel like a mind fuck to me. I have shared with him how happy he makes me, said things and made small gestures that I know he appreciates. It's not a question of time really. The trauma of Dan's addiction pushes his way in. I will say, to your point, when we're together, I'm not thinking of these things, or if I am, it's in a way that I can talk about them rationally. It's only other times, especially when I'm stressed that these thoughts intrude. And there just happen to be a lot more of those times than the times we get to spend together, because we're both very busy and each have a child.

I came here to post about something else, but fuck Mrskro's siblings.

The better my boyfriend treats me the angrier I find myself at Dan. Lately I've been thinking more and more about the ways he hurt me. I had a meltdown at Lowes on Saturday because buying a dishwasher with a toddler in tow became overwhelming. And then I went to my parking lot and sobbed. I sobbed thinking about how much he hurt me, and how I feel so utterly betrayed. I've been thinking about the things he made me feel bad about, the concessions he refused to make. Wondering how much of that was his drinking, and how much of it was him. I know a lot of people find themselves comparing their new loves to their late spouses, but I'm finding it to be the other way around. Which isn't fair. It's not fair to compare someone who was in a comfortable relationship with me for many years to someone who is new and infatuated, putting his best foot forward. But sometimes NG says or does something, and I think, that's awesome, Dan would have never done that. And I know sometimes people put their late spouses on a pedestal, and I think I did that for a time, but now maybe I'm doing the opposite. Maybe things weren't as bad as I'm remembering. But then I come back to, he drank so much that he died, and now I have to take care of our child and our dogs by myself and live with this trauma, with these horrific memories. And I know it was a disease but I am still so fucking angry. And these memories, these thoughts and images seem to be pushing those of missing him out the way and coming to the front of the line. And it's making me all griefy in a way haven't been as much since I started dating my boyfriend. Because by and large, he makes it easier. I feel like I'm not supposed to say that but he does.

Last night before coming over, my (boyfriend?) asked me if I would like to have a gentleman caller. However, as an historian I should point out that the term really referred to someone inquiring about a young lady's interest or availability. So not suitable for people in a relationship, although I do find it cute. I am also 39, and I find the word boyfriend weird. Actually, I'm wondering how much it has to do with age, as much as how much we've been through. Let's see, mentioned this in the other thread, but GIS? (guy I'm seeing) But that seems more casual than being in a relationship. I've seen guys for a time but didn't consider them my boyfriend. Always liked nonesuch's Flavor of the month, but people really have to be in on the joke. Significant other is more serious than Guy/girl I'm seeing. I think what we need though is something that encompasses everything in between. I do like consort; I'll float that past N and see what he thinks.

I too only refer to him as NG here. In all honestly, while I feel he has graduated from NG status, I'm not sure we're at significant other yet either. I also HATE chapter 2 and will never use it. That leaves boyfriend I guess, but NG is the common parlance around here. BF could also mean best friend. I could use N, the first initial of his name, but people who don't know me or about him might find that confusing. Of course, this is our rodeo, right, so we could come up with something different altogether, right? I have a friend who years ago lived in a communal house where they called a meeting to address people using the word gay in a pejorative sense. People found it offensive, so they decided to come up with another word to use. They landed on Duplo. You know like the preschool legos? Because, they're like legos, but not really all that great. Instead of, "that's so gay," they'd say, "that's so Duplo." I'm not sure what we could use. GIS? (guy/girl I'm seeing)?

Hi Torian! Of course I remember you. And, I could have basically written your post word for word - except I only dated a few months before I met NG. I too find the terms boyfriend and girlfriend weird at our age, especially after having been a wife and a widow. Last week he referred to himself as my boyfriend, then asked later if it was okay.