MrsDan

Me too. My boyfriend met Dan's parents last weekend, and although it went very well, the physicality of him being in Dan's childhood home, a place where Dan and I made so many memories was kind of a mind fuck. The collision of the two worlds is hard to negotiate. How can I be so in love with someone who is part of my life now, and still grieve so strongly for someone with whom I spent such a substantial period of my life? And Mother's Day is hard, for multiple reasons.

I'm sorry if I offended you; I think perhaps I didn't really word things very well. You don't need to apologize for high standards. What I meant was that it doesn't seem like he meets your standards. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I'm just saying that before you end the relationship, it's worth evaluating whether those standards outweigh your feelings for him. If they do, then it probably isn't a good match. I've no illusions that lollypops and unicorns can carry the day. It's impossible to be that idealistic as a substance abuse widow. I guess what I'm saying is that my experience of widowhood has realigned my priorities, and that informs how I approach my relationships. It seems it has for you, just in a different direction. I did not mean to impose my experiences on you. I have tried, my whole life, to get my shit together. I couldn't do it before Dan died, so I think it's pretty hopeless now. I mean, I work really hard, and I'm fairly intelligent, but I feel like I just can't get it together and get everything done. Earlier on in our relationship, BF said this time around, he was looking for someone who really had their shit together and I thought, "Uh Oh." But what he meant is he wanted someone on a solid career path who could take care of herself. Turns out, he actually shares some of the same ways I consider myself not having my shit together. It was huge relief to me. Dan was the same way. My point is, I don't know if I could handle being with someone who had their shit together, so I can imagine it works the other way too, that being with someone who doesn't have their shit together would be hard. Apologies for my comment on the grass; maybe my attitude is the reason my lawn looks the way it does.

Honestly? I really don’t quite understand why this is that big a deal. It’s grass. It will grow back. I understand you are under the gun to try to sell, but it sounds like he was trying to do something nice for you. What is it exactly that makes this a deal breaker? Are you more bothered by the fact that he didn’t respect your boundaries, or the fact that he lacks competencies in things that are important to you? I really have a hard time understanding the desire to be in a relationship with someone and then keeping him or her at arm’s length. But I guess that’s what works for some people, but only if they are on the same page, and it doesn’t sound like you are. But I think the bigger problem is that you don’t seem to particularly respect this man. I don’t mean that as a criticism. It just seems like he lacks traits and abilities that you find significant and attractive and it’s lowering your opinion of him. Nobody’s perfect, but are those imperfections really worth focusing on? Both Dan and BF are pretty messy. I grew up in a VERY messy house, so it’s a bit of an issue for me. Dan and I fought about it a lot, and now I regret that. I mean, I think he could have been more sensitive, but I could have seen it more as a tradeoff for being with a brilliant wonderful man, instead of trying to change it. I’m making the conscious decision this time around to do that, to focus on this wonderful person. Because after Dan died, all the things that bothered me just no longer mattered. I think it’s worth evaluating what’s really important to you, then taking a second look at whether those things matter more to you than this man does. If they do, then I think the fair thing is to break it off. But really think about it. And I think TS makes a valid point about tabling a final decision until the stress subsides.

I haven’t, but I believe in taking the path that makes sense from a whole life perspective, not just a career trajectory perspective. What you’re doing is something I’ve been considering, I’m just not sure how to go about it. I think one needs to ask oneself, where do I want to go? Then follow that answer. In your case it seems to be, “Away from here, from this current path.”

This past weekend my boyfriend met Dan’s parents. DD and one of my dogs had spent the week with them because I had to go to New York for work, and he went with me to pick them up. We had some trouble figuring out what my in-laws’ expectations were as far as sleeping arrangements. It turned out I was worked up over nothing. I said to him, “I’m sorry, I’ve never taken my boyfriend to meet my late husband’s parents before.” He said, “Now see, here’s where you write to Miss Manners ahead of time…”

I wouldn't say I fell head over heels for my boyfriend on the first date. I just felt there was something about him that made me want to get to know more. He was so incredibly nice, and that kept drawing me in. And he was really easy to talk to. What I didn't anticipate was the extraordinary chemistry we have; it's beyond anything I could have imagined early on. I mean, I liked him, but really I just had a feeling, something fairly ineffable that drew me in. I very clearly recognized it and made a conscious decision to follow it and I'm so glad I did. But there were other guys, where I just got nothing. I didn't feel the need to go on more than one date in those cases.

I'm in Manhattan traveling a show to another museum. People keep asking me what I'm doing after work. I was supposed to get together with another widow, but we couldn't connect. Someone said to me, I don't think the Met is open, but maybe MOMA? I thought, dude I am not going to the Met, I'm not going to MOMA. I am not going to a museum after spending ten hours at one. This trip took so much logistical planning to get my kid and dogs taken care of, so I did not planning. Not to mention I never have time to myself to do absolutely nothing. So I am going to the hotel, where I'm going to pig out on the free buffet, call my daughter, veg out in bed watching HGTV on the giant TV, then talk to my boyfriend on the phone. And yes, a "free trip" to New York may be exciting and all, but I'm so stressed about making my flight tomorrow and the motion sickness that comes with flying that what I really can't wait for is to see my boyfriend's face when he comes to pick me up at the airport.

I made a very concerted effort to avoid having my picture taken after Dan died. Not because of how I looked, but because I felt like as long as Dan's life had stopped, I didn't want documentary evidence out there that mine had not. Almost as if if there was no record I had continued, it meant I didn't have to. There was one time DD was sleeping on my lap. It was so sweet I decided to take a picture. I was pretty shocked at what I saw. I knew it had affected me physically, but the change was startling. I had always looked very young for my age, and suddenly I looked so, so old. It became difficult when I started online dating, because I had no recent pictures and when I tried to take some, they just didn't look like me. Finally I had a friend take a couple that looked halfway decent. My boyfriend told me on my first date that my pictures didn't do me justice. I thought it was just a line, but he told me later that they really didn't, and he was glad they didn't, because if they had, he might have been too intimidated to contact me. I still think I look far older than I would have if Dan had not died. I'm a little self conscious about it, because my boyfriend is five years younger than me. But it's interesting, because he constantly tells me how pretty I am, how beautiful. And sometimes I think, if you think I look good now...

I have felt next to nothing when people have died after Dan died. My grandmother. Various aunts and uncles. But I cried today. I'm a little surprised at how shaken I am. I shouldn't be surprised I guess since I've been a huge Prince fan as long as I can remember. Maybe it reflects the huge impact he had on my life, maybe it means I'm starting to really be able to feel something besides grief over Dan again. Maybe it's both. "Sometimes It Snows in April" Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war, Just after I'd wiped away his last tear I guess he's better off than he was before, A whole lot better off than the fools he left here I used to cry for Tracy because he was my only friend Those kind of cars don't pass you every day I used to cry for Tracy because I wanted to see him again, But sometimes sometimes life ain't always the way Sometimes it snows in April Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad Sometimes I wish life was never ending, And all good things, they say, never last Springtime was always my favorite time of year, A time for lovers holding hands in the rain Now springtime only reminds me of Tracy's tears Always cry for love, never cry for pain He used to say so strong unafraid to die Unafraid of the death that left me hypnotized No, staring at his picture I realized No one could cry the way my Tracy cried Sometimes it snows in April Sometimes I feel so bad Sometimes, sometimes I wish that life was never ending, And all good things, they say, never last I often dream of heaven and I know that Tracy's there I know that he has found another friend Maybe he's found the answer to all the April snow Maybe one day I'll see my Tracy again Sometimes it snows in April Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad Sometimes I wish that life was never ending, But all good things, they say, never last All good things that say, never last And love, it isn't love until it's past -Prince

I could have written Trying's post as well (well, except the entertaining multiple friends part). I moved to a whole different state, took a different job, and started seeing someone. Our daughter was a baby when he died; now she's a little girl with a fully formed personality. I'm living in the second house I've purchased since he died. The man I'm seeing is very different from Dan, and yet so similar in so many ways. Our life together seems so far away, and yet this life seems very unreal at times.

CW, I was talking about this with my boyfriend. I was talking about a date where all we talked about was our kids. It was a nice enough conversation, but I didn't detect any spark. The guys asked me for a second date anyway. My boyfriend said, "Well, you're gorgeous, so any guy's gonna give it a shot." (Yes, he is very sweet). It's possible he did realize it, but liked you and figured it was worth a try.

I'm just going to just quote this, because it bears repeating. Man I hate my fucking job.

I've been in my house almost 8 months and this past weekend was the first time I vacuumed the upstairs. On the plus side, I guess this means I picked a carpeting that really hides both black and white dog hairs. I wish I could do my company credit card reconciliation without having to go on a massive hunt for the receipts. My confession is that last month I almost gave one I was sure I would lose to my assistant, and I actually didn't lose that one but lost another one instead.

I am so sorry DW.

That is fucking horse shit. How would they like it if they needed to outsource it for the reason you do? I'm sorry, but I am so sick of people's petty complaining over stupid shit.

A big ol' fuck you to all the people who think that I am their own personal bitch. Fuck you to everybody who has no problem dumping shit on me that they would never think of handling themselves. Fuck you to all the people who seem to think regularly, oh, let's just have Christine handle it. Fuck you to all the people who think I never get sick, or need a day to myself.

I also don't think parents' staying together only for the children is beneficial. I think it teaches kids that their needs supersede all others, and I don't believe in teaching kids that they are the center of the universe. I have no idea how I feel about marrying again. I was long against it, but then I also had no desire to date for a long time either. I thought I'd wait much longer to introduce BF to DD, but then changed my mind. Basically I'm finding that I'm much more open minded than I was. I will say though, that staying with someone who did not want to get married when I did, it was painful. It crushed my self esteem, made me doubt myself when I already felt like I wasn't good enough. I really can't see going through that again. I also feel like if I had major doubts about the institution, but it was important to my partner, I'd do everything I could to work through those doubts. I also don't think it should be solely up the person who wants top get married to make the decision. If you are with someone who wants to get married, and you don't, and you stay with them anyway, well that's kind of shitty in my opinion. I was talking with someone about why a particular relationship they were in didn't work out, and he said that she was ready to get married and he wasn't, so they broke up. And my first thought was, Oh, you mean you didn't string her along for another six years? Because I kind of feel like that was what happened with us. And frankly, our situation didn't end too well. He clearly was not happy, and it's now unclear to me whether he ever wanted to get married. Dan said it was because I was unsure about having children, and that is partly true. I suppose we were both being selfish. We couldn't give the other up, even knowing we couldn't provide what the other needed.

I'm sorry. I have so many what ifs too. So many moments in the day when I still can't believe it. I can't believe we've been doing this for three years.

I can relate. I have a small amount of family help in the area but I feel like I've tapped that resource out and besides I need to reserve that for big things. I haven't yet built up that network of support, and although DD has come out of her shell a bit, she's not the type of kid you can leave with just anyone. She needs to feel comfortable too. And it's the small things too. We have a meeting a few times a year that runs well past 6 o'clock, when daycare closes. I made arrangements for our February meeting for someone to watch DD until I could get her. But due to a snowstorm, that meeting was rescheduled for the end of March. I scrambled to make new arrangements. But now the next one's in two weeks! And a few days later I'm traveling for business, so she'll be staying with her grandparents for a week. Which she's never done before. That's an issue too; even when I can find help, I have to be mindful of what is too much for DD. But I also have to pay the bills. The best part is after I did backflip in order to stay until (almost) the end of the meeting, almost no one showed up! Coping strategies? I'm not much help there. I've found one babysitter, and frankly I reserve her for nights out with my boyfriend. All my other efforts have been a bust. I've had to bring her to an exhibition opening; she'll be coming to another one in a couple weeks. I've relied on grandparents when I can, but they all live out of state, and as my FIL's illness progresses that will be less of an option.

Dan and I did long distance twice, and it sucked. It's also just hard being in a transitional state, a kind of purgatory. I'm sure that does not help. When things that are difficult emotionally are a regular occurrence, it becomes so tiresome, on top of being painful.

Hoping it goes well and you get some affirmative, good news.

It has already been established that Portside wasn't speaking for himself. It is his opinion that a woman who allows a man to insert his penis into her vagina (sound better?) on the first date is risking looking like an undesirable mate. You don't have to like that or the reasons behind it, and said woman doesn't have to care how she comes off, but it is not an unreasonable opinion. Actually, "a woman who puts a man's penis into her vagina" sounds even better. But I digress. The use of the term "giving it up," which Portside used," is what I find objectionable. It was his choice of words to describe intercourse. Situating a woman's body as an offering is offensive. Period.

The very fact that you are using the term "giving it up" shows how way off base you are. When a woman CHOOSES to have sex, she is not giving anything up; women are in control of their sexuality and may use it as they please. If you think less of a woman because of when she chooses to engage in intercourse, that's your right if it reflects a value system that includes both sexes waiting until a meaningful relationship is underway. But if it's based on a belief that a woman's sexuality is a thing rather than a facet of her personhood, that it is something to be presented as an offering to men, then that is an objectification of women. It's that objectification that forms the foundation of misogyny, and objecting to that is not an over extension of political correctness. It's advocating for the personhood of a group that, I hate to break it to you, constitutes roughly 50 per cent of the world's population.

Dan did not want to get married for a long time. Maybe he never did, I don't know. I'm just saying, it hurt. Whether it should or shouldn't have, it did. So I validate you.

Not all men expect suggestive texts. My boyfriend was a complete and total gentleman, to the point where I was starting to wonder if he was attracted to me, because he worked so hard to make sure I didn't think that was all he was interested in. I only went out with a handful of other guys; none of the were creepers. But my approach was to message for a bit before meeting, or talk on the phone. Only one guy that I interacted with offline (in a phone conversation) crossed a line. My boyfriend was so exceptionally nice, really beyond almost anything I'd ever experienced. And I recognized that I have been hurt a great deal, and what I really needed was someone nice. That, plus the fact that I found him really easy to talk to, kept me wanting to get to know him better. He is also very smart and funny, but it took awhile for that to be fully revealed to me, I think because he's not big on talking about himself. But the niceness, that was apparent from the start, and I'm so glad it drew me in, because other aspects of our relationship have turned out to be really incredible.