MrsDan

I am 39 years old and have a master's degree and I just called my mom to help me figure out how to file for an extension on my taxes.

Maybe it would help to focus on the solidarity between you and this woman that exists because you both lost men you loved to this horrible disease. There are things that no one there but the two of you will understand. I'd be careful of downplaying the possible effects. I did that a few weeks ago when facing something triggering and it completely blindsided me. A better approach, in my opinion is to channel your energy into helping her walk the path that she has walked and make plans for your recovery after. Whether that's spending time with a friend, or collapsing into bed, or whatever.

Oh Squidley, I just want to give you a hug. I don't have much advice, as my daughter was three months old when my husband died. She grieves, but differently and I was spared, in a way, because her grief wasn't something I had to confront straight out of the gate. But there are lots of parents here who have faced what you are facing, so coming here is a step in the right direction.

I posed this question myself before going on my first post-widow date. It actually didn't come up; I broached the subject on the second date. After that I made a point of telling right away, either on the first date or while we were still messaging. At first I was worried about scaring off someone who, if he got to know me would realize I was worth any hang ups he had about it. But then I just didn't want to deal with the anxiety of it or play games. I told my boyfriend on our first date. He told me he was honored I would share something so personal with him. And I think it really was a kind of foreshadowing of how understanding and supportive he would turn out to be. In terms of the length of time, I don't think the un-widowed are as hung up on it as we might think. Actually the only guy I dated who asked how long it had been is my current boyfriend. He was the only one who considered it relevant I guess. And it isn't as relevant as one might think, in my opinion, but there isn't really any reason why an un-widowed person would know that. So it kind of struck me as odd that it didn't come up, although most of the dates didn't get very far. I don't know what my boyfriend would have thought if my answer had been vastly different (I started just before the 3 year mark). I could ask him, that's how comfortable I feel discussing my widowhood with him, but it probably wouldn't help much because everyone was different.

Joey, I was waking up an hour or so early for a period of time told by a psychiatrist that that is a sign of deep depression. So it's not surprising it would also be present when one is deeply grieving. I felt tremendous physical pain, mostly muscular, for the first couple years. I don't think it every fully went away, but maybe I just got used to it. I think I was just so clenched, so tightly wound all the time. In the last few months, since I started seeing my boyfriend, I've been opening myself up a bit more, to joy, to laughter. And lately, I've been finding myself in a lot more pain again, mainly in my muscles and joints. It's almost like I was tightly coiled, and now that I'm starting to uncoil in some respects it's causing pain. I spoke to my sister, who has a PhD in physiology about it. I thought it might sound crazy, but she said no, it actually makes a lot of sense. I probably had a lot of adrenaline and cortisol running through my body for a long time. Those are pain inhibitors; once those started to recede, I began to experience more pain.

DD was three months old when he died. Lately she's been talking about him a lot, making up stories of things that never happened. I know it's normal, and I'm not particularly concerned about it. But frankly, I don't want to hear it. Or she'll talk about how he's in the sky, which I told her at one point because I was trying to explain that he's somewhere where he can't come back and that weirdly made sense at the time. I do try to talk about him, but often it devolves into questions I can't handle, mostly containing the word why. I have no idea why. Or I have some idea, but that's a whole thing I can't deal with right now. She already likes my boyfriend a great deal. That concerns me, because if things don't work out it will be a loss. But I also feel conflicted about letting her cultivate a relationship that would be akin to what she should be having with her father. The other side of me thinks, her needs and feelings matter more than mine or even Dan's and if he should become a father figure to her that might be best. I don't know. The relationship is new, but as it develops I have to think about if an dhow theirs should be developing too, and how that will impact her grief.

CW a guy that I went on a few dates with last fall who then disappeared contacted me recently too, although not nearly as offensive. Said he was sorry, his mom and his dog got sick, he got a new job, blah blah blah. He was sorry he hadn't reached out earlier. (In other words, pickings on OKCupid got pretty slim). So I thought I'd be magnanimous; I wrote back, saying I was sorry to hear he had such a tough time, it's normally a hard time for me but I met a wonderful guy who I've been seeing the last few months. He wrote back saying that's great that I met someone, he hasn't gone out with anyone since, he realized he needed to work on himself, and that he's sorry he dropped off but he's bad at those sorts of conversations. (In other words, he's a giant pussy). I thought okay, that's cool, I was polite, but that should close things. But then a few days later he sent me a message recommending some music. Oh no dear, this is not a thing here. I appreciate your apology, I guess but yeah, I've moved on to MUCH better things. Bye dude.

Can you just shut off the water?

In a word, "Yes". That's why they do it. It's purely a numbers game. If the guy sends out 100 p pics and he gets 2 interested replies, he considers it a win. (Actually two wins) Believe me, there is always that percentage of any population that will respond to outrageous behavior. The reverse happens too - morally broken women send unsolicited mommy part pictures to their targets. Many times, it gets a rise out them. Ummm. . . . . well, you know what I mean. :-[ Mike I disagree. My sense is it's more of a kind of virtual assault; guys enjoy making women really uncomfortable with their junk.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING COLD SORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck that I have had constant outbreaks despite being on suppressive meds. Fuck that I got hardly any out breaks for three fucking years but now that I am dating someone who makes his living with his mouth they will not go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck that I have tried EVERYTHING and they will not go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck that these fucking cocksuckers put my daughter in the NICU the first week of her life. Fuck that I could loose the one thing that's helped lift me out of this hell, made me feel human again.

Fuckballs! That sucks. I'm sorry. Maybe this leaves room for a better plan. I don't know, that sounds dumb. Got some bad news myself today. News that prolongs a waiting game of sorts. So I can sort of imagine where your head is at. Oh and Hillary (for the intents and purposes of this metaphor, not making a political statement) can go suck it (no pun intended). You love someone and want to be with them. Nothing wrong with that.

This past weekend was both terrible and wonderful. I drove back to Illinois, where I?m from and my ILs still live, with DD and my boyfriend, who travels there regularly to visit his daughter. We stopped in Indiana the first night and stayed with my sister and her husband, who met my boyfriend for the first time. We had breakfast with my mom, then I took DD to see my ILs. I had to go to my old house to pick up stuff I?d stored there. I also went to the cemetery. Later that evening I met back up with my boyfriend, and we met up with a good friend and her boyfiend. It was a meeting of the boyfriends. Then I spent the night with him and went back to my inlaws? before meeting back up with him at my sisters and then driving back home together. It was wonderful spending so much time with him on the weekend. It was wonderful having him meet my sister and my friend, and hearing from them how awesome he is. It was wonderful seeing DD so excited and happy with her grandparents, as well as Dan?s sister, who was visiting as well. It was nice for my boyfriend and nice for me to have someone to share the drive with. But it was also very, very hard. Driving into my IL?s town, where Dan grew up and we lived for several years and thought we?d spend our lives was hard. Coming in, I passed the cemetery and it really hit me how hard the visit would be. Driving to my tenants?, it was like reading the book of my life. And the cemetery. I walked over to the general area, then my eyes fell on a bottle of Gatorade, and I knew that was his. He loved Gatorade; someone had left it for him. It hit me when I saw the grave how longs it?s been. It was dirty and covered with leaves. I haven?t really felt guilty about my boyfriend, but at that moment I felt guilty. And it was hard seeing my FIL, who has terminal cancer and does not look well. And yet I was able to talk to my boyfriend about this stuff, to lean on him during what was in many ways a very difficult weekend. On our way back we stopped at a rest stop. On our way back to the car, I was holding DD?s hand, and she reached for my boyfriend to hold her other hand. I?m glad that she feels so comfortable with him. But that hit me in the gut a bit. Soon after we moved here DD and I were on a walk and I saw a couple with their child swinging her back and forth. And it hit me that Dan and I would never do that. So DD holding our hands like that, was both wonderful and hard. At the exact same time. I think that Dan would want her to have someone like him in her life. And even if he didn?t; he?d be wrong; this is good for her. She was very uncomfortable with men, the fact that she was comfortable with my boyfriend so quickly is a very good thing. But I?d be lying if I said it wasn?t difficult. But I?d also be lying if I said it didn?t feel nice to see her so comfortable. It?s both.

You are not cold hearted. Even before Dan died, I had little patience for drama that to me, seemed self generated. I just felt like life is hard enough, there is enough real pain and sadness. Why would anyone want to generate more? So naturally after Dan died my feelings on the matter expanded exponentially. Right now, in addition to Dan dying, my FIL is terminal, and my boyfriend is dealing with a very serious and stressful situation. All things that are not only very difficult, but over which we have little to no control. Dealing with that, and watching them deal with that, it's very hard for me to be sympathetic to problems that are either easily fixable, or frankly minor.

I'm 39, my boyfriend is 34. I don't know if I could go much further beyond that range. I like being able to relate to a lot of similar things. We each have one young child; that can make a huge difference. And I'm sorry, I'm just not attracted to guys who are a great deal older. I thought maybe I could go as young as thirty. I did think, I don't want to turn someone away who might be a great match just because he was a year or two higher or lower than my desired range. So I set it to 25-45. I got accused of being a cougar. Nice. I bumped it up to 30.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you again for your responses. The more I think about it a big part of the problem for me right now is I really don't feel well. I've had very bad headaches every day except two for over three weeks now. I stopped one medication I thought was the culprit. I went to the eye doctor but they said my prescription really hasn't changed all that much. The last week or so I've gotten more sleep. The next thing to try is the dentist; I know I have some dental issues and I think I may be grinding my teeth at night. But that's a whole thing, finding a dentist covered by my insurance, finding the insurance card. It makes it hard to stay motivated and focused at work when I am in constant pain. I also find that the things I'm anxious about are so much worse when I'm not feeling well. BF didn't call until late in the day the other day because he was sick. Totally reasonable explanation, like always. He's given me no reason to doubt him, or us. He is so sweet, so considerate. It's just hard to have confidence in something so good, and it's 100% my issue. In my opinion, we're right where we should be at four months of dating. It's just so hard for me to trust in anything good. I'm really sick of winter, sick of people getting sick. Yesterday I got stuck going up a hill in a snowstorm. I just thought, I'm screwed, but I can't freak out, I've got to get myself out of this, through this, like I do EVERYTHING. My BIL, SIL, their two kids, DD, and my boyfriend have now all gotten a stomach bug. I am the only one who hasn't gotten it. And I better not, because BF, DD, and I have plans to go visit my ILs this weekend. I spoke to my MIL this weekend about us possibly not being able to make it. She told me he really wants to see DD. She doesn't know how badly or how quickly he'll decline and she does not want DD to remember him that way. It gutted me to hear that. Oh, and last night I had a dream that my boyfriend died too. When I got up this morning I saw that he had texted me this beautiful song. I could have cried. And I realized how emotionally overwhelming it is, being in love with two men.

I met my boyfriend on OKCupid. At one point he said we could do a commercial for them. But he also found it jading I think. A lot depends on the region; where one site is great in one area, it might have nothing to offer in another part of the country. Which is a shame because there is a range in quality of the sites themselves. I joined Match a couple of times, but I found it completely useless. Way too general. I found OKCupid much more user friendly, but if no one promising is on there in your area you're kind of out of luck. I know I got really lucky. I wasn't even on it that long and I was already getting jaded. My approach was to message for a while before meeting. All my offline experiences except for one (a phone call with the guy with the dead bird who asked how many times I masturbated, see above) didn't end up being creepers. They were pretty nice guys that I just didn't have a connection with and/or attraction to. I did meet one guy after not messaging all that much, because some people here and a friend of mine prefer that approach so I thought I'd give it a try. He was nice enough, but just not the right guy. And that approach wasn't for me. It seems like I've read tons of posts saying there are nothing but creepers and scammers online. I get it, I do, and I got plenty of gross messages. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt my feelings a little bit. I mean, I was on there. My boyfriend was on there. A very good friend is on there. My coworker met her boyfriend on there. Besides, for some the other options are limited. I work in a female dominated profession, and the few guys I was interested in were unavailable. I don't go to bars, and I have no friends here. I'm too busy for hobbies.

Thank you for responses. TTS, no apologies necessary. I'm sorry others are struggling but we should all remember we're not alone. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time; I hope posting about it helps, even a tiny bit. Things got worse; daycare called to tell me DD was throwing up. So I had to pick her up and right now we're watching Doc McStuffins, a show I hate for its medical theme, but she's sick, so.... Right now it's a lovely episode about a father and son jack in the box pair. The dad got hurt, but it's okay, sometimes parents get sick or hurt but they'll be okay. They'll always be there for you. Fuck you Doc McStuffins. CW, I brought up the issue a bit with BF the other night. I didn't want to scare him off, so I just explained it's been a while since I've been a new girlfriend, and might be a little clunky at it. So I wanted to know if he's okay with the pacing. He said he is, it's been a while for him too. He said it's good to check in now and then. But sometimes I have a hard time knowing where he's at. Like, he stayed in contact all weekend when he was out of town. But I haven't heard from him all day today, which is kind of unusual. I realize this is probably no big deal, and whenever this happens there is always a reasonable explanation. He is also dealing with an incredibly stressful situation of his own. It's just that I'm having a bad day and I don't feel well, so I'm overanalyzing. In addition to fighting off this cold, I'm dealing with an awesome case of heartburn that came from out of nowhere. I'm tired.

Warning, rambling vent post here. I need a break. Or maybe it?s the last thing I need, because I am completely unmotivated lately, and if I took an actual break from things I might not be able to ever make myself do all the stuff I should be doing at all. I have to do my taxes, I haven?t even started working on them and they will be ridiculously complicated this year. DD needs her yearly hip x-ray. My laundry sink is leaking, and despite numerous phone calls there isn?t a single fucking plumber in the entire metro area willing to do evening appointments, so I had to cave and ask my BIL for help to be there. Because I have to be able to do laundry, but cannot miss a day of the job that I absolutely hate. I just put my foot in my mouth with one of the few coworkers that I actually like around here. DD and I both need to go to the dentist. I have had a splitting headache every single day (except two) for the last three weeks. My FIL has been given roughly 1 ? years to live, could be less, could be more. DD and I are supposed to visit him this weekend, but now I think I?m getting sick, which will delay the trip by two weeks. The neighbor behind me hates my dogs, actually comes outside to tell them to shut up, despite the fact that almost everyone in the neighborhood has a dog and they all bark constantly. I have a boyfriend who I love, but I?m finding the adjustment from being a wife to a new girlfriend tricky. I find myself dealing with trust issues and insecurities. DD loves him, which is awesome on the face of it but what if things don?t work out? I?ve been trying to focus on this new relationship and forging ahead. But last night it hit me like a tsunami: Dan was my best friend, and I miss my best friend. And today is leap day and for some fucking reason that I don?t understand, it is hitting me especially hard that the last time there was a leap day, Dan was alive, and we had no idea what was coming seven months later. In sum: I hate my job, I feel like crap, I?m unsure where my relationship is headed, and I miss my best friend.

Helena, My husband died of alcoholic liver failure. I too have many, many feelings of guilt, guilt about enabling, not realizing how much trouble he was in, etc. Many, many people have told me I should not feel guilty, that it wasn't my fault. However, they do not stand where I stand, they do not know what I know about what I did or didn't do. It's not something people can reassure you into accepting. One therapist said that I need to look at the reasons I feel guilty and determine whether or not I don't have a distorted view. That was actually the first truly helpful thing anyone said, even if I wasn't (and still, in many ways am not) ready to accept that my feelings of guilt are unfounded. The point is overcoming the guilt is something you really have to come to on your own; no one can make you not feel guilty. I think it requires deep thought and the passage of time. Another thing that was helpful to me was when I was discussing my feelings of guilt with my boyfriend, he said, "You know it wasn't your fault, right?" For the first time, I actually entertained the idea that maybe, maybe, it was not my fault. I the way he framed it, that I know it's not my fault is an important distinction I think. Saying it that way, it reinforced this notion that it's really up to me to come to this conclusion. What happened to your husband reminded me of a blog I found shortly after being widowed. It's written by a man who's wife was hit by a car; he was able to save their son but not his wife. I've found it helpful to read the stories of people whose losses share similarities with mine. Maybe this will be helpful to you. http://lifeasawidower.com/

I hope this is okay, but I'm looking for some information for my MIL. I posted a few weeks ago that my FIL has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He's seen two different oncologists, and they are both recommending the same treatment (chemo). My ILs are taking the view that the goal is to extend his life as long as possible. My MIL is very torn up as you can imagine. I'm wondering if anybody here can recommend some online support groups for spouses of cancer patients. Or if there are FB groups. She needs the support, and now her two surviving kids and DIL live out of state. She has a lot of friends but I just think she would benefit from talking to people going through the same things.

Myself, I just cannot justify a break. I had planned to take a day off in a couple weeks and just spend it doing nothing with BF. But DD and I still have to go to the dentist, and BF has been leaning on me hard to go to the doctor. I need to pick out some new glasses frames and get a plumber in to look at my laundry sink pump that's shooting water all over. DD is due for her yearly hip x ray and I've yet to find a pediatric orthopedist. Meanwhile, other items on my to do list (in addition to my mail) have been piling up, in a lot of cases because I just plain don't feel like doing them. Because, I'm just over it. Over doing all this adulting stuff either without help, or by cashing in favors. I'm just over it! And when I get overwhelmed, it paralyzes me. Like I'll think, I have to go to the dentist. But I have to go to the eye doctor. But I have to go to the dentist. But I have to go to the eye doctor. And then I don't do either (did make it to the eye doctor this week though).

I second this. Both of my parents were anxious when other people were driving and they were not good at hiding it. Consequently, their attempts to teach me only fed my own anxieties and were unsuccessful. A friend's attempts were a little better, but it was only when Dan, who was completely relaxed, took me to drive that I was finally able to get comfortable.

I'm sorry; I hate that you're feeling this way, especially because I think I have a sense of what you're feeling, because I'm experiencing some of it myself. There is so much about my job that I absolutely hate, so much bullshit I have to wade through. My relationship isn't long distance but it's nascent, so it's not exactly terra firma. I feel trapped in my job, but everything else seems so transitory, so gossamer-like, and that doesn't feel right either. It has been three and a half years since my husband died and I feel like that whole time I've either been struggling not to drown in stormy seas or treading water. Neither are enjoyable or rewarding. When am I going to enjoy swimming again? It's really only been recently that I've begun to open myself up to that possibility, but now that I have, I'm impatient for it to happen. Just trying to say that I hear you, and I validate you.