MrsDan

Fuck that if I want anything taken care of, including myself, I have to do it myself. Fuck all the illusions I had about people. Fuck alcohol. Fuck me for repeatedly going down certain roads when by now, I should really know better.

My father in law just passed away. He'd suffered a pulmonary embolism over the weekend, and they took him off life support just now. My brother in law just called: "He's with Danny now."I have to tell our daughter that Papa's gone.

This really is a fumbling in the dark type situation, because no matter how calculated you try to be, in my experience curveballs get thrown and you just have to deal with them. I had planned on waiting until my BF and I were dating at least six months before introducing him to my daughter. But I also didn't anticipate falling as hard for him as I have, and at some point, it felt weird that they had not meant. I love her, and I love him, and it just didn't feel right to keep them separate anymore. (To give you some sense of the timing, we started chatting in mid-September, met in early November, became exclusive by the end of December, and they met in late January.) She has always been very reserved and shy around guys, so my primary concern was just making sure she was comfortable around him. To my surprise she liked him immediately, and now I sort of have the opposite concern, that she'll get too attached and view him as a surrogate father. He is not that, and can never be that. He has a child of his own, and I don't believe he would ever love mine to the same degree. So that's my biggest concern right now. Should I have anticipated this? Maybe, but I just didn't see it coming. The other thing that maybe makes it different for me is that my husband died when she was just three months old. So I didn't really have to deal with her shifting her notions of me and her dad as a couple quite the way others have.

"YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

I feel like this perfectly describes my life. All. The. Time. And I am so freaking over it, that I have found myself rebelling and just doing what I want to do, and it's put me even more behind.

This was a pretty emotionally intense weekend. DD and I met my boyfriend's daughter for the first time and it triggered all kinds of emotions. I found myself thinking about some secondary losses I've experienced in the wake of Dan's death (namely the estrangement of most of my friends and family) and found myself getting so angry at Dan. And angry that he had the opportunity to have a wonderful father/daughter relationship, and he threw it all away. I had one of those sobfests that involve screaming at Dan and hugging my dog.There were a lot of ups and downs, but yesterday it ended on a pretty good note. We had dinner with BF and his family, and he sent me some lovely and sweet texts right before bed. When I woke up, I had the feeling that I had dreamed, you know that feeling where you know you dreamed, and that it was good but you can't quite remember what it was about. I felt loved, felt like the dream was about my relationship. Then I realized, it was about Dan. I haven't had a dream about him in months. I feel like I'm moving forward, in a relationship that feels good and with far less guilt than I ever would have anticipated. I want to feel good again, and I do, much of the time. But there will always be this mark, this blemish that I will carry for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, it will always be there. And just in case I "forget" or manage to put it aside for a little while, there's always some trigger, some reminder.

Fuck the fact that this can never be simple.

Well, mission accomplished. But today I saw Gracchus rolling around in the same area again. I saw some feathers, then...a bird head! What is there some kind of small woodland animal fight club going on at night? BF unavailable this time so I raked it up, and dealt with it. AND had to bathe the dogs again, although this time I just did it outside with the hose. Actually, BF mentioned yesterday that he would rather pick up the dead thing than give my dogs a bath.

This afternoon, I noticed my dogs paying special attention to something in the backyard. I went out there to check it out. Sure enough, there's something dead out there (chipmunk? bird? that's how messed up it is, although I couldn't bring myself to look too closely). I brought them inside, brushed their teeth, and gave them baths. I've picked up dead mice before. But tonight, when he comes over, I am going to ask my boyfriend to dispose of this thing. We've been together six months, is it too soon? Is this a blow to feminism? I don't know and I don't care. That shit is gross.

http://www.zulily.com/p/charcoal-nope-relaxed-tee-plus-too-187016-39161774.html?pos=1&fromEvent=187016&

I realize there are trends, and certain phenomena that have data to back them up, but I take exception to a lot of the generalizations. No I did not die from broken heart syndrome, but there is no way I could have been more broken hearted. Not possible. For a long time I felt like my body betrayed me by continuing to go on. Those that die soon after, they do not love their spouses more than me, their lives weren't more intertwined. I doubt they had less support than me, because a lot of mine evaporated.

Ugh, I'm sure it feels totally sucky (even if it is the right move.)

Oh and one thing that drives me CRAZY is when you make plans with someone, they bail, then act like the plans were tentative. I'd wonder, is there something wrong with me that I thought we had made actual plans? It made me feel stupid for a long time. Then I realized, I'm not stupid which means either they ARE stupid when it comes to communicating their intentions or they just changed they minds and don't have the decency to honor a commitment.

I personally have had a lot more insecurity when it comes to friendships with women than I've had with romantic relationships with men. I think it's because I've had to deal with rejection in the former case far more than the latter. Not because I'm so irresistible to men or anything, but because I was with someone most of my adult life, and then I really didn't date all that much before meeting my boyfriend. But friendships with females, that's been a struggle for me my whole life, since childhood. I never really had friends until college, and they were mostly with men. I currently have a few good friendships with women, one is a long time friend of Dan's, the others former colleagues. But it's hard. I've always sort of marveled at women who have these long lasting friendships. I often found myself having to me the one to reach out, to make the call. And much like in dating, sometimes you want to be pursued, you know?

http://www.winchestermysteryhouse.com/sarahwinchester.cfm Need I say more? I work in cultural resource management, where Mrs. Winchester's pursuit is something of a mystery, but it makes total sense to me.

I just saw this. I too, have been doing better, but I still have my moments. Driving to work the other day I broke down. I'm sorry. It's not fair.

I can only tell you what I would be capable of, and I would not be capable of continuing in this situation. I dated a guy briefly before Dan, he was still hung up on his ex. And I knew that going in, but went into it anyway. But then I realized, waiting for the other shoe to drop was not for me. So I broke it off, I met and married Dan and the two of them got married and have three kids. Dan was a much better match for me for a lot of reasons, but one of the biggest ones is this: Dan would have never ever considered it acceptable to put me in that position. That's what would bother me too. Someone who would be willing to, for lack of a better term, string you along, that's just not attractive to me. I get that there's something to be said for living in the here and now, but it doesn't seem like you are the only one on his mind in the here and now. And the problem with that mindset is you could missing out on someone who would make you his one and only, who would give you what you deserve. Which frankly, is more than this.

Translation: People care more about their own day to day superficial shit than they do the heavy, next level traumas that others, even those they call friends, are dealing with. I'm sorry, she doesn't sound like a good friend and I think it's in your best interest to cultivate friendships where the support is more equitable. Also from my own perspective as a parent. I only had 84 days with a co-parent. But in my opinion, in a lot of two parent families, people use their kids as a cop out when it comes to other relationships in their lives. I can't devote as much time to other relationships simply because it's just me. Going out with a friend requires a sitter, for example. But in cases where there is another parent to shoulder the load, I'm sorry but, weak. I get that there are activities and things, but I think it models good behavior for kids to know other people's needs matter as much and sometimes more than theirs.

My husband died from alcoholism. I'm in a support group for people who lost loved ones to addiction. It's mostly parents, and a lot of them find comfort in trying to stop what happened to their loved ones from happening to other people. I do not. I'm sorry, but if it's too late for Dan I'm not particularly interested. I'm sorry if that seems cold, but all the advocacy in the world won't help the one person I Want it too. And that's too much to take. I will do what I can to fight the stigma, because that does help him in some way. Also, I'm not sure I agree with the argument that a parent has to tell the kids. I think parents know their kids and know what they are capable of handling. The argument of the truth always gets out, that doesn't really wash with me. Maybe people can keep their mouths shut, maybe they can't, but one can always explain to kids that people say a lot of things about things that they have no business commenting on. Personally, I'm torn. I'd always thought I'd tell DD, because she is at a tremendous genetic risk foraddiction - her father, both grandfathers, and a great grandfather were all alcoholics and an uncle and a great uncle had drug problems. Two of those men died in their 30s. But now I'm wondering if there is another way to protect her in that regard. Because I worry about her feeling abandoned. As educated as I am about the disease, I feel abandoned. And I know it was a disease, and I know he would be tremendously sorry for the pain he's put me through, and depriving her of a father. But honestly (and my feelings change on this regularly, I might even come back here down the line and edit this) that doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't provide her with the experiences she should be having. The way he died has completely ripped me to shreds and I don't want that for her. For now all she needs to know is that his body stopped working.

I really struggled with this when DD had her first school program last winter. Seeing all the dads there; it was tough. And thinking about what Dan is missing, that's even harder, and not something I really see ever going away. I'm sure there will be future events that family members would be willing to attend with me. But it will never alter the fact that Dan is missing everything.

This is something I got along without for some time. I think it's because I didn't care about anything anymore, and I was really only interested in talking to Dan. I actually think it's a good thing that you are craving this, because it means you're still wanting to engage with the world. Something shifted when I moved here; it may be because I lived with my BIL and his family, so I had adults to talk to again. And, not saying this is the answer for you, but one of the things I truly appreciate about my boyfriend is our conversations. And it's funny, last night we talked on the phone for a bit, like we do every night. Then I came on here and read your post. Afterwards I sent him a brief text, and he texted back that his brother (who he lives with) said we talk on the phone like seventh graders.

BF and I were discussing all the difficulties we've both been facing and he said, "it would be really nice at some point to be able to get out of the foxhole." That really said it perfectly to me.

Well, if you're trying to express what I'm feeling, you're doing a pretty good job. I think it's completely surreal. I often find myself in the strange position of finding it odd that Dan and N never met. Although they are very different in many ways, they share a lot of the same interests and qualities and I think they would have made great friends. It's weird; I have to stop myself from trying to dissect it, because I just can't.

I'm sorry.

Yes. I think the whole who comes first topic is based on a dichotomy that is neither constructive nor realistic. One thing I've really come to understand following Dan's death is that we are so fixated on the concept of dualism, and that concept is constricting and inaccurate. Things do not always fit within an either/or mold. I can experience two wildly conflicting emotions at the same time together. Things that seem oppositional can coexist, sometimes on the same footing , other times in balance. It is a top priority to nurture my child and teach her to be the best human being she can be. Someone who is fulfilled, and I believe that a huge part of fulfillment comes from being able to have healthy loving relationships with others and being able to handle disappointment. I will never accomplish if I make her the center of the universe. She needs to learn that other people's feelings matter, including her mother's and the man her mother loves. My daughter would prefer it if I put her to bed every night. It's a disappointment to her to be put to be put to bed by a sitter once a week. I initially felt guilty but I now see the benefits. I get to spend time with someone who I love, he gets to spend time with me, DD learns to manage disappointment, and she gets a mother who is better a much better parent and more enjoyable to be around. The last point is worth noting because while there may be some parents who can put on a convincing show for their kids when they are miserable, I am not one of them. I tried, and I just couldn't maintain the façade. I also think it makes more sense to weigh the need, and the long term benefits of addressing said need, rather than who has the need. If DD's need is something trivial, and BF's is substantial, his need comes first. If it's pretty even, then I think BF and I would both agree that our respective kids come first. My BF is with his DD every other weekend. I understand that he is not going to be available for "us" time during those periods. That's a given. He understands that I can't just come over or go out whenever I want, that's another given. As a result, we typically see each other twice a week; he comes to my house once and I'll get a sitter and go out with him once a week. I think we would both rather see each other more but we both realize that's not really possible right now. So we do what we can, we talk every night on the phone, and he'll sometimes meet me at my work for lunch. One final point. At some point your kids will grow up and have their own lives. I don't want my daughter to feel responsible for entertaining me, or keeping me company. I feel that is a tremendous burden to place on her. Not depending on her in that way is a huge gift to her.