Needytoo

The first Christmas was horrible, I remember sending out pretty good hints to family members to invite the kids and I over. No one did. Sure didn't help with the loneliness and my horrible anger issues. Second Christmas I wanted to boycott the whole thing which I did. The kids and I and another widow and her kids we went to Punta Cana it was fabulous. I think that is when I was at the acceptance level and a few months really focused on living in the present and I forgave and let all that anger go. And your right Mac, gratitude really can change your mind sight. Thanksgiving actually had our first extended Christmas with my family. First time my kids met two of their cousins. This Christmas it will just be my kids and I and I welcome it. Hopefully this weekend I get the tree up and I made a few decorations. Still no decorations outside that will be for next year. Another year that I am not sending out Christmas cards and I am alright with that. Maybe to be different I will send out Easter cards.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I somehow managed to get my marking done and went out for a walk. Just accepted how everything is and enjoyed the day.

Not sure why I am hesitate to talk about this but I will. During my recovery I have found that taking care of myself was something that I haven?t done for most of my life. By starting to do that it slowly opened me up to other things that really have helped my mental wellbeing. Practicing being mindful, mediation and yoga really has helped me so much. I am very grateful that I gain full time employment at the college. I have my full time permanent job but because of some ?manager oops? I agreed to help out and teach as well as well as a couple research jobs. I agree, I have taken on way too much at work which seems to a common thing for widows in their third year. Not sure why we do this? When I feel that overwhelming sensation I realized I need to start doing some things for myself. Last weekend a few girlfriends and I went away for a girl?s weekend. It was one of the girl?s birthday and we had so much fun. Because of going away I am extremely behind in my marking. I am getting even more swamped at work and to top it off one of the instructors just quit so I agreed to teach his classes as well. What the hell is wrong with me? Thank god the semester is almost over. I am feeling so overwhelmed and I need to talk to a professional but I am too busy to even call anyone. I try every day to at least mediate for 15 minutes. My kids know I work a lot but don?t still don?t help me around the house but complain and complain that the house is messy there is no groceries etc. etc. When I am in a good mental spot I can handle this but Friday I wasn?t. Came home to a disaster and freaked out on them. Then I went into the living room and found my dog flat out on the floor with an extended abdomen brought her to the vets. She had a splenic tumor that ruptured and she was bleeding internally, had to say good bye to best dog in the world. Yesterday I received a few calls from former colleagues regarding my dog .(use to work in vet medicine). Very nice of them to call but they didn?t do a thing when my husband died. They asked me to go a Christmas party. I went had a pretty good time but that anger feeling towards them was there. I really hate that feeling. Today is my birthday. Now I am older than my husband will ever be. I feel very much alone and I have a headache and for some reason my pile of marking seem to have grown since yesterday. What kind of cruel joke it that? Thanks everyone for letting me vent. Now I am going to tackle that marking, pity party has to wait. Today I am grateful ................................for my dog I miss her a lot and didn't realize how much food we drop on the floor now I will have to clean that stuff up, I am grateful for old friends and just maybe I can let the anger just go and have a fresh start. I am grateful for my employer who is letting me have this opportunity to teach. I am grateful for being here and for feeling that my husband is here with me.

Sure sounds like your feelings were very similar to mine a few months ago. It should be something we should be celebrating but instead it bring it all comes back doesn't it? The stress I felt going through the application process for a job I was already was doing was totally unreal. I was a mess. People tried to support me during this but it just made it worse. I had to tell them to back off. I tried mediation but I couldn't calm my brain down. Even after I got the job I was still a mess. Just not having him here to see what I accomplished was pure Fing hell. Now a few months later I am so dam happy. I do my happy dance every day!! I will bet you a dollar you will be the same. Best wishes to you. You got this.

Thanks BH2,hoping the balance returns quickly.

Hard to believe it is already the end of October and that I got my ?dream? job. Maybe the Law of Attraction really does work? If it really does work I should have known when to stop. As well as my ?dream? job being a support worker at the college I am teaching 4 courses and also doing research. From being unemployed to being highly searched out sure is a change. I work all day and night and average 4-5 hours a day of sleep. My house is a disaster. I try, lord knows I try. I have noticed a change in myself, which I think is a positive change. I noticed that the first thing in my mind in the morning isn?t the loss of my husband. I still think of him a lot through the day but it isn?t the first thing on my mind. I never thought that would happen. I have really been practicing being mindful and I think it really has helped me let go of that last bit of anger. I actually have moments of happiness. Now for my grumbling and whining and I hope I make sense. I do really miss ?working? on myself. I miss my daily dose of yoga and going out with friends. All my time is dedicated to work. I put in 15 minutes of mediation a day and sometimes read a book but that is all the ?me time? I seem to put in a day. I was starting to feel like I was opening myself up. I was starting to give and receive which is great since the old me gave more than she received. But I think I might be slipping and giving more than I am receiving. To make a long story short I did a very special favor for a student. A favor which he really didn?t deserve but I opened my mouth before speaking (the old me always did that) and told him I was going to be at the college today doing research so he could work on his project then (all the other students did it during the week). When I wanted to leave he really gave me attitude. My rage rose so high inside it scared me. Wow that raging beast is still inside me. I got home two hours ago and have done that roller coaster we all hate to be on. I am feeling lonely and crave human touch and encouragement. Widowhood sucks.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yesterday I have to say I was a bit pissed off. Now much more calmer. Guess mediation and being mindful does work!! Gotta love them life perks. Lesson to be learned from all of this is I can't count on her. I know that sounds really heartless, but all of our journeys are different. I stared at a wall for close to a year so I have no right to judge her in anyway. I will not be signing her up for any workshops or paying for concerts etc. if she wants to do these activities she will have to do it on her own again it sounds very heartless but there has been way too many times I have been stuck with the bill. No more.

I will be better able to answer this question on Monday. There is some "issues" in my extended family that revolve around my father and step mother and I finally or at least I hope I have accepted it. On Thanksgiving my extended family are spending t together. First time my kids are meeting their cousins. I will let you know if it is possible to finally let things truly just go on Monday.

Sometimes I really feel like a dam child learning how to make new friends and sometimes I feel so clueless. I have become friends with another widow and sometimes she bails on me. Generally I am very understanding and I give her space. Start of September I got a full time job and also teaching and OMG I am busy. Work all day then prep and mark all night, then to top things off I got a nasty cold. I will admit guess I wasn't the best friend during September but I had a really hard time just getting my work stuff done. Today my son and I drove to the college and after his classes he was going to take the car home. My friend was going to pick me up and we were going to this workshop together on "The Flow of Happiness". Just received a text saying she isn't up to it. Isn't that nice. She knows I am stuck here without a ride home. I would never to this to someone. When I give my word on something I do it. Is it me? Is she getting back at me? All of her former friends have left her and I sure would hate to do that on her but I am certainly not feeling the "Flow of Happiness".

I was laid off for the summer but thankfully I was just hired permanent at the college in a supportive role. During the summer I did a lot of yoga, mediation really focused on being mindful and I have to say I felt pretty good but of course there was that dreaded worry having a contract job. Since my husband's passing 2.5 years ago I can't say I have had a dream of any kind but since I got the full time job somehow I think that has opened up my subconscious. I keep having the same three dreams over and over again. One is of my husband he is in our kitchen. He is wearing his old stain sweatshirt that I just loved that would ride up over his belly. My husband the classy dresser. I was sitting at the kitchen table taking and he totally ignores me. Which sometimes he did :. The next dream is out on the patio. I am standing there watching two turtles walk around and one of them is trying to climb up on me. Not sure what this means but I googled it. Dreaming about turtles can mean you are owing your own power. The last dream is at a wedding. The reception hall is full of people that I knew in my old life. Everyone is sitting around circle tables and each seat is full so I sit at the last table which is an old picnic table that is in the middle of the reception hall. No one talks to me or even looks at me but I am watch them and I feel nothing for them. Occasionally my husband will appear at the reception he doesn't come over but he will give me a thumbs up sign. Anyone have any suggestions to what all of this could mean?

I am a true believer of support and maybe I am is because the kids and I didn't have it really. I hate to go down "memory" land but the day my husband passed I had two old work colleagues show up at my door. I was totally out of it and they helped clean the house for the expectant visitors. No one else came to the house. Fourteen months later one of those ladies lost her husband in a work related accident. I have been supporting her and we have become very good friends. Her best friend disappeared on her as well. Then six month later my sister in law passed and I gave support to my husband's brother. Hell yes it opens old wounds but I remember the hatred the horrible hatred that I felt when no one in the world gave a flying poop about the kids and i and I don't want people to feel that way. Giving support to a widow/widower isn't easy that is for sure. Guess my advice is to make sure you do stuff just for yourself to keep things balanced.

Guess my only response to this is "it is what it is" and I am sorry that your cousin didn't clue in a little sooner. Off course this experience was odd but maybe if we just open up and accept things maybe the pain will not be as bad? But seriously what do I know?

Glad you are back!!! We all missed you.

Yesterday after 5 coffees and taking 4 advils I started to feel human again. The exact same grief triggers switched to gratitude and it felt great. The stress that contract work has given has been lifted off my shoulders. I have my job that should get me to retirement. It was a long road but I got it. Good luck to you Maureen. I was 42 years old when I went back to school and I wish I went back years ago. Guess I made an impression since I did get hired for the contract work. It is going to be a hard semester but I think mentally I am ready for it. I also told the research department I would be the lead of 3 projects that might have to wait. Thank you to everyone else for your kind words. It does mean a lot. The response from work colleagues also has been amazing. It fills my heart.

I do feel better staying busy but is it overcompensating or is it just our new lives? I saw a physic in the summer and she said you will be getting a full time job but it isn't exactly what you want but take it. I did get my full time permanent job as support staff at the college yippee for me but I also got 7 hours teaching which means I am will have no life I will be marking in my free time. I still want to do my yoga and pottery and I signed up for line dancing lessons. I have no clue how I am going to be able to do all of this but I am going to try and do it. I still remember I use to come home and just sit and stare at the walls. I certainly don't do that anymore. Be proud of yourself Trying.

I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. Not fair at all.

The last three weeks have been extremely stressful. The job I was doing for the last 4 years on a contract basis at the college was finally posted. Which is great but if I didn't get the job then that meant I didn't have any job. So here I am working on another three week contract waiting and waiting for the interview. I was doing all I could to keep calm but I still couldn't sleep very well. On Thursday I had the interview and HR told me it would take them another week to decide and that they couldn't extend my contract. I asked my supervisor what do I do about next week do I just come in and fake it. He said yes. Yesterday right before leaving I got a call from my supervisor to come to his office. I got the job and I also got a whole bunch of teaching hours. For the next four months I will have no life but I have a permanent job. Right after the news you would think I would be over the top with happiness but I was just so mentally exhausted I felt nothing till my drive home. Then I was totally over whelmed. I went back to school so my family could have a better life that my husband could stop driving truck and get back into sales something he loved. But guess that isn't going to happen. I got my dream and he didn't. I cried all the way home. I slept for 11 hours and still feel a little tired. Hoping the coffee starts to do its job. I got my dream job I did it because of my husband. He worked so hard for me to go back to school we sacrificed so much. Dammit I need more coffee and I need to stop crying and just be happy. I have wanted this for so long.

I somehow feel my husband today and also I swear I feel my Mother. My Mom passed away 23 years ago. And since then my extended family wasn't the same. My father remarried and it went down hill from there. Lots of pain but I somehow have forgiven (not forgotten) the pain this has caused my family. Being older and wiser there are many things in life that I would have changed about my pass but of course this is just not possible. I know my father and all of us missed out on so much and it sure didn't have to be like that. My father's Alzheimer's symptoms are getting worse there is no way to reconcile the past just moving on from here. For the very first time ever all of us will be having Thanksgiving together. First time my sons get to meet two of their cousins and first time in 23 years my niece and nephew will see their Grandfather.

Hugs to you, I know this is very difficult. I remember way back when I went off to school it was so easy to meet people. Now things for some reason (I blame social media) it is so different for them. This year my college is doing so many activities this weekend for student to get to know each other maybe his school is doing the same thing.

What kind of platform is "save the rack"? I find it offensive. My Mom had breast cancer and she sure lost more than just her rack she lost her life. I don't get upset seeing older couples but I do have a pet peeve. When someone is talking about their husband and they don't even say their name they just keep saying over and over again husband. That really rubs me the wrong way.

I was exposed very early in my recovery to mindfulness and ACT therapy. It took a while to calm down my brain to do it but I kept on doing it. Practice makes perfect they say. Totally agree with your statement Trying "What we practice, gets stronger".

I use to feel exactly like TooSoon, became a indecisive wimp and also felt paralyzed and because of this so many things went unattended in the house. I tried talking issues over with my sons but that didn't work out so well. So I pulled up my pants and had to make decisions on my own and I know some of the decisions wouldn't have been how my husband would have done it. All the decision making is over whelming at times that is for sure but I am doing it which is a huge improvement than just coming home and staring at the walls.

I use to hate "how are you?". My SIL use to ask me that and her voice sounded like fingernails on a chalk board and she use to tilt her head when she asked it. Back in the early days it quickly became obvious people really didn't want to know how you really are. Mawidow I could have written this 'Welp, my husband died in bed right next to me and it gave me an appreciation for being alive that I might never have had otherwise even though it also created a level of pain I could not have imagined, but overall I'm grateful to be here and I'm good, thanks.' I certainly have come a long way and so much aware of myself and life than I think I ever have. I have a few people in my life that I can honestly answer that question but for the rest of the world my answer will be "fine and how are you".

Everyone has great comments. I am so sorry Helen this woman did this after all it was a widow meetup not a widow recoupled weekend and I will be the first to admit I would have done exactly what you did. The emotions would have taken over and I would have been out of there. So what is the correct thing to do in this situation? Come out right away and ask this women is this a widow meetup or a recouple meeting? Where is the new rule book to look this situation up.

Wonderful advice everyone. I am still stuck a bit on my answer to the dreaded conflict question and I am getting different opinions on this. The college grades higher for more current conflicts. I only have one current conflict but I don't want to use it. Last year I did go to the Dean to "spill" the beans on my office mate who wasn't doing his job. At the time I didn't think she heard me. But thank god he didn't do his job because if he did I certainly wouldn't have my job and maybe that is why my job is posted. So I think that one is out. I don't feel comfortable throwing my office mate under the bus. I know what they are trying to get you to answer with this question that you know how to follow the chain of command. Honestly except for the above conflict I can't say I have had any conflicts in years with faculty. I have known them for years and I know how to set up their labs and they have no issues talking to me. I have had some conflicts with students but when I went on a mock interview this week she said she would stay clear of using any conflicts with students. I have three examples. One student entering an off limits area and then accusing me of a health and safety issue (which was false), a student almost physically assaulting me and one student who was using racist comments and I had a nice chat with. Years ago I did have an issue with a part time instructor. I did way too much for this guy and was told by a academic manager to stop so I did. The guy sent me one nasty email which I forwarded to the academic manager. The guy wasn't rehired because of it. Nasty ending to that story since it could have played out so differently if I wasn't so nice in the first place all of this would have been avoided. I did have issues with another department invading our space without clearing it first. It is kind of a complicated issue but in the end it shows how different departments can actually work together. It was a very heated and nasty conflict and not sure if it is suitable for an interview. Which one should I use?