Needytoo

After my husband's passing I unfortunately didn't have any support from family/friends. I tried therapist and the first one I saw actually caused more bad than good. It took me over a year to find two local support groups and they helped as well as YWBB. I do believe that it does help to talk about grieving but it only helps if the other person will listen and give support. I now volunteer and call elderly widows and also support a good friend and a my brother in law who spouses died. Sometimes it isn't easy to hear their pain but I am not giving up. We also just talk about good memories and other things going on in our lives. I feel it is the correct thing to do. Neverthesame I do understand about not wanted to share our pain with other people. I still tend not to want to share it as well. Still very protective of my heart.

I have done Tole Art, it is like coloring but you use paint. I really enjoy that. Yesterday I went and did String Art. I had no idea that that is big again. I took up pottery and love it. Coloring sounds great, I will give it a try.

Thank you Sally, my brain just couldn't figure it out.

Monday I agreed to go to this lecture on ?beyond grieving?. She would ask the audience questions but no one would answer it. So I thought what the heck, I will participate. She asked what I do outside work and home. I told her about my art lessons etc and that sometimes I go out with my friends. She said I have STERBS (Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors) and that I have to go back to my childhood and find what was my first loss so I can move on since my STERBS aren?t helping me. WTF? I wanted to take a strip off her and I was just about to when an elderly widower tapped me on the shoulder and said ?it isn?t worth it.? This ?expert? sure ruined my night and I am still pissed. Thanks for reading my vent. Tonight going over to another widow?s house to have coconut & lime wine, wonder what the ?expert? would think about that!!

Oh my I feel so lost, I don't know what TMI stands for? lol

Oh no I think I have every bad habit everyone has described already and I still can add to it except I don't have phone phobia I have phone call avoidance. I still have a problem with procrastination. It is much better than it use to be, the worse procrastination is when it comes to chores that my husband always insistent he wanted to do. Is this the way we are always going to be now?

Big hugs to you. You don't deserve this. Sending you strength.

Big hugs to you. The first winter my husband passed was really hard on me. No one knew I could fake it very well at work and I don't think my kids even knew how bad I was suffering. I tried therapy but really it didn't do much for me, and now I know why. I thought there was an easy fix for everything but really there isn't. One book that helped me was Second First, Live, Laugh and Love. She describes rewiring our brains and how we need to start leaving the "waiting" room (her term for the roller coaster). First start by intentionally mixing up your normal routine, supposedly this makes the other half of our brain work, not sure if this is true but it seemed to help me. She also suggested keeping a journal, and if I remember correctly you are actually writing to your grief. I know sounds weird. Then keep a small note pad in your purse and when something pops in your mind you want to do write it down. I know I really surprised myself with this technique.

I had a horrible experience with religion as a teenager which I will admit didn't help with my religion beliefs or lack of beliefs. My husband was Greek orthodox and we use to occasionally go to church. I had no clue what was going on because it was in Greek. No chance of going back to that church because I had my husband cremated. Oops. Right after my husband's death I did try a local church but I was way too filled with anger to get anything but more anger out of it. Didn't help that the minister I hired to come to my husband's burial didn't show up which just fueled my anger. Since my husband's passing I would say I have grown spiritually and much open to new beliefs from many different religious/spiritual beliefs. I think I am ready to try organized religion again and researching the different churches. Because of my broader beliefs I am going to be trying the United Church after my Sunday morning pottery lessons are finished.

Sometimes we just have to accept that there is unexplained connections. Thank you for doing what you are doing.

Carey I totally understand what you are saying. I to just wanted to please people and help them. Which isn't a horrible thing except when we get trapped with the takers. I was an enabler of this I will admit and learning the difference between enabling and being supportive is tricky. There are a few things in your posting that caught my eye. My kids are now 20 and 16 years old. When they were younger we did a lot of things together but of course now they have to find their own way. No one really from my former life stepped up to help me and I find it very hard to make new friends. But I have meet a few. I can totally understand how you got into this situation and I am glad you notice a few issues. I think this lady is playing you big time. She can work but then has to go to bed right away? Really? When you told me about returning the dress, my knee jerked as well. I think helping this family has helped you, but what are they helping you with now? I don't think you are ready to totally shut them down but it is time to do more things for yourself. Big hugs to you.

I hate having very negative feelings towards some people and in many cases I have no idea how to deal with it. So generally I do nothing, just pretend to be a nice person and continue with my day. But in my mind I am kicking the living snot right out of them but even with an ass kicking I don't think they still will feel the pain that I think they should feel. Come on it Karma I have a list of people you have missed.

Thank you for starting this thread and my apology for the long post. I would say my rebuilding is on the slow side. I was so screwed up the first year that I can?t say I did any rebuilding at all. Finding out quickly that I basically that no one gave a dam for my sons and I was a hard pill to swallow. That anger I had for that consumed me. The anger consumed me so much I most likely was totally blind to the people that were there for me. My husband had some issues and I think it all started when his own father died. I think his mother most likely felt very much like me. Her doctor put her on ?medication? and maybe she totally lost reality. Her older children turned to drugs, sex and rock and roll and my husband being the youngest was forgotten. I didn?t want to turn out to be her. I tried therapy thinking that was the correct road to go. Unfortunately the first therapist really did a number on me. At the time I was seeing her I still didn?t have the cause of death of my husband. My husband hid in the basement away from his family and he drank. He was never abusive but often he wasn?t there for us. A behavior I found out he started after the death of his father. The kids and I focused a lot on that behavior we wanted answers for his behavior but the answers sure didn?t come from this therapist. This therapist who supposedly the best in the area told me, it was good that my husband died. I never returned and couldn?t tell anyone what she did to me. I turned to books on grieving and some helped but I still felt so lost. Finding YWBB really helped. I could go to work and fake it well, but driving there and back my anxiety was huge. I would come home and basically stare at the walls for hours. I finally found the courage and attended Al anon meetings. Wow that was an eye opener. Recognizing that I am an enabler is something I still struggle with every day. I then found another therapist. She still wasn?t exactly what I needed but she kept talking about finding a passion and taking care of myself. I still had no idea what she was talking about, most likely because I was still struggling with being an enabler. I made sure to do something for myself every day, even if it was reading a book but still felt in the twilight zone. I wasn?t suicidal but I didn?t want to live either. A few days after the first sad anniversary I heard about a widow support group. I remember sitting in my car and I was ready to leave when my car door opened and two elderly widows basically pulled me out of the door. I then found out about another support group and it turned out to be one that really started me off to rebuilding. I started to see my future and I sure didn?t want to turn into the crazy cat lady. I joined a gym. Then I took some art lessons. Just being around positive people that didn?t have a clue I was a widow was great. My anxiety level was decreasing and my wall staring stopped as well. I still really needed a friend. I asked a lady at work if she wanted to do a mud run with me and she was up to it. Slowly I opened up to her and finally I had a friend. Now I have to back up a bit. The day my husband passed an old coworker came to the house, she helped me clean the house because I assumed family would be coming to the house. I laugh at that now because no family member entered our house and two years later still no family member has come. Fourteen months after my husband?s passing her husband was killed at work. I have been by her side from the beginning. We are each other?s best support. Slowly we are rebuilding together. Both of our grief stories are similar and dissimilar. Both of us realize we need friends. Our little pack of friends is slowly growing. Each of us are fragile but we are ready to do this thing we call life. On Sunday three families that all have lost a love one are getting together to enjoy Easter together. We are starting our new traditions. This is the first time the kids have ever spent Easter with another family. That is the way it is. Our family unfortunately has never been there for us. I can?t change that and I am not allowing myself to have hate over it. I am focusing on my sons and our future. We need to open our heart up to other people. I have a lot or rebuilding to do, I am so much more open to this now. I had to go through the horrible grieving to get to this spot. Find trust in people I still find is very hard and I think that is for the best. I am not just allowing anyone in.

I don't think you are portraying negativity at all. I think it is great we are discussing this. In the early days I almost fell for it, not now.

Big hugs to you momtokam. The wonderful media. My friend lost her husband in a work accident 10 months ago and I do understand what families go through with this. As far as the soccer mom I think we all have run across these kinds of people and I still don't know how to handle them.

My kids and I and another widow and her kids spent last Christmas in Punta Cana. I totally loved boycotting Christmas. I got exactly what I hoped for and more going away during the holidays. Now trying to plan my next adventure.

All of you managed to describe exactly how I am feeling. I have done what "experts" say, I have punched through the grief and gone and discovered new things and found some things I really like. But sometimes I too still feel so disconnected and if my plans fall through my brain goes off to a distant place. Just like you TooSoon I am trying to loosen up on the tightly controlled existence but I don't think it is working well for me. I need to plan things out before hand. But then there are times I have no clue how to act. I feel like the huge nerd with giant cooties. More and more people are asking me if I am dating. How do you answer that question? No I am not dating or do say no I am not dating but do you know of anyone?. No clue how to answer that question. Then that wonderful feeling of being judged jumps right back in the brain. Seriously when does it end?

I wasn't going to post this but again I find myself at a point in my life where I need to discuss my problems with people who might know how I feel. It has been two years since my husband?s passing. First year was horrible, second year was still horrible but I started to learn what I need to keep my sanity. I need to keep busy. I need to plan out things in advanced, maybe because I just need to look forward to things. By doing this I keep away that feeling. I can?t even put into words what that feeling is. Maybe it is a combination of many feelings all at once. I really hate that feeling. Not sure if it is still widow fog stopping me being able to recognize the feeling I am trying to describe so I thought I would share some examples of situations that trigger the feeling. I really want the feeling to go away. I have been doing some volunteer work with my widow support group first by calling senior widows to make sure they are ok. I have ten people I call once a week. Only five of them answer their phone. I can visualize the other five just sitting there and ignoring the phone. I find it odd that I understand that, just ignore it and it will go all away. Last week I went with another member for a home visit to a new widow?s home. The new widow was upset because she felt her family wasn't giving her enough support. The other member told her my story about how I had no support at all. The look of the new widow?s face was of total pity towards me. That triggered the mystery feeling as well as feeling of embarrassment. I take art lessons by myself and I love it. I love it so much if I could I would go do that every night. I try to plan out social events with friends but for some reason there has been a lot more last minute cancellations lately. Especially with one friend, she is also a widow. She is coming up to the year mark and I know how hard that can be but then it leaves me with that feeling. Can anyone relate to my feeling and if so, what is it? .

Sending you best wishes.

Hugs and understanding I am sending you

My thoughts are with you.

Heart attack's ran in my husband's side of the family. His father died at 49 years of a heart attack and a few of his aunts and uncles also passed around the same age. My husband went to the doctor three months before and got a clean bill of health. My husband just got off six days of working 12 hours shifts and was really looking forward to a day off work. I was already in bed when he came in and said he had "the big D". I asked him what that was and he said diarrhea. He then proceeded to sing the diarrhea song. My husband was the king of snoring and woke me sometime during the night and then the snoring calmed down and I feel asleep. I got up in the morning and got ready for work and then went back into the bedroom to get my coat. My husband could sleep through anything especially after working that many hours so it wasn't unusual for him not to wake up but for some reason I just could tell something was wrong. He wasn't breathing. I yelled for my eldest son to call 911 and my youngest came in the bedroom and we started CPR. The paramedics arrived and they pronounced him dead. He was 48 years old. One of the horrible parts of all of this was what the coroner did. She called us and told us they didn't find the cause of death and that they had to do further tests. She was worried their might be a genetic disease and my children could be at risk. My children and I went six months without knowing the cause of death. I would call the coroner office but the receptionist wouldn't give out any information. Finally our family doctor called. They did have the cause of death at autopsy. He had a "widow maker" heart attack. Not sure how she didn't forward that on correctly.

I feel like a goof asking someone to take my picture. Guess I will wait till the snow is gone and try the camera on a timer trick. Thanks for the laugh robunknown. I have hidden my online profile for now. Just tired of all of it for now. Forgot to close down the website for the speed dating on my lap top and my son used my lap top and then asked me about it. Was a little lost for words on that one.

Big hugs to everyone that has felt left out. It isn't right but for some reason it is something that happens to us way too much.

Here is the thing, I am 48 years old overweight but one heck of a gal. I am very slowly gaining new friends which is great. A while back I started online dating. It hasn't been great and most likely it is because of my profile pictures. I just don't have too many pictures of myself. I am the one always behind the camera. I don't feel I can ask my new friends yet to take pictures of me and there is no way I am asking my kids. Just a little quirk I am feeling right now might sound silly. Speed dating has been in my area for a year or so but they never had my age group on till now. Has anyone tried it?