Needytoo

Thanks everyone. Last week I was so calm about all of this. Contract work does suck just plain sucks. Been laid off all summer and been doing yoga, mediation and really trying to be mindful. When I found out the job has been posted I thought about time hire me or let me go since I am tired of it all. I was so brave last week, this week totally another story the stress peeks and it doesn't feel good at all. To make things worse my department has been changed to another Dean but at least the chair is someone I know. Thank god. Mostly very good support from my coworkers and I recognize what I am taking as a negative might not even be a negative just my over active widow brain doing its "magic". Not sure why my brain does such strange things but it sure does. When my husband passed I really didn't have support from anyone and now that I am getting support from people I compare it to that dark past. I wanted supportive people in my life so why is my brain doing that weird thing. I need to calm it down. I have never prepared for an interview like this and if I screw it up I am not sure how I am going to forgive myself. I have joked with a few that I will be admitted into a mental hospital if I don't get it but actually I am not joking at all. Pretty sure I will have to be admitted. Thank you everyone.

I have been a contract worker at the college for the last 4 years. I am great at my job. Finally the job has been posted. So weird applying for your own job. At the beginning of the week I was calm and cool all about this. In the past I really haven't done well with interviews because I just don't toot my horn but I am ready to toot and toot it well. I have known a few other contract colleagues that have applied for a full time job and totally failed at the interview and didn't get the job. The college puts everything on the interview. My coworkers day in and day out keep reminding me off all this. Now they have me worried that for some reason they want me out and going to use the excuse I did poorly during the interview. I now went for being confident and very calm to being totally full of stress. Didn't sleep well and had nightmare after nightmare of colleagues. turning on me and me not getting the job. Just like Mikeeh I really wish I had someone to talk to. One that is going to listen and give words of encouragement that would be great so nice to have right now because I am stressed. I worked so hard to lower my stress level and bam it is back.

Good question Kilm. I am back at decluttering my house and I came upon the funeral momentoes. I even have a DVD of the service. I can't see me ever watch it but I couldn't throw any of it away.

Thank you Lisa. I think you are right. Maybe I am at the forgiving part.

I have the reverse problem. I don't remember any of my dreams. I use to suffer a lot from insomnia but not so much now but when I get one day that I don't sleep well boy do I feel it. My heart goes out to you. I use to lie in bed for hours before I feel asleep. My brain would be in super hyper mode at night and wouldn't shut up now I think I fall asleep with in minutes of lying down. I am not sure why I can do this now. I use to think it was the sleeping pills I use to be on finally taught my brain to shut up or maybe it is because I mediate. But my oldest son had the same problem as you and he used the lucid dreaming technique and it works for him. Wish I could do it.

Hello everyone I need advice once again on something that keeps coming up in my life. It is regarding my father. I will try to give a very brief history on my problem. Sorry about airing my family dirty laundry. Twenty one years ago my Mom passed away. My Mother?s palliative care nurse told other nurses how she was going to marry my father. Worse part was I knew about this but kept my mouth shut. Little did I know a few months after my Mother?s passing she set out to snag my Dad. Now I do understand especially now how lost my father must have felt. Supposedly he felt suicidal and this woman was there to save him. They were married 8 months after my Mom?s passing. My sister and brother and I did not like her but we kept our mouths shut. Over the years this woman has push especially my sister and I out of my father?s life. My brother who has a little more balls has pushed a little back but has struggled to keep his relationship with my father going. Over the years my sister and I tried in our own way to talk to my father but nothing really worked. Even after all the stuff his wife did to us we couldn?t be totally honest to him. My father hasn?t seen my sister?s kids in twenty years. When my husband passed my father never came and never since came for a visit. I will admit I had huge anger issues because he did this. The kids and I have gone down to visit him 3 times. The last visit kind of put the nail in the coffin for me. It was my father?s 81st birthday and my brother, sister and I were invited down. Because her children were coming down we couldn?t stay at the house. So the widow and her children had to pay for a hotel. It actually was nice to stay in a hotel with my brother and sister we did have fun. But the hotel wasn?t cheap. My step mother told us when to come over for the birthday celebration. I was waiting in the hotel room when I received a text message from my brother asking where I was because everyone was over there. When we got there my sister asked why we were so late. In front of all the guests I said we were told to come at this time. My step mother with a huge smirk on her face even admitted she told us to come at a different time. Everyone heard her say it and no one said anything. The next day we went over to say good bye and deep down inside I thought this is the last time I will see my father alive because I just can?t put up with this woman again. I completely surrender to everything. She won she got us out of their lives. Since my father has developed Alzheimer?s so I feel I have lost any hope of resolving any issues with him. He calls me once a week and I he use to just talk about himself and how wonderful his life is. The last couple months I have noticed he is actually asking how kids and I are doing. I just can?t share too much of my life with him. I have closed him out. My sister just went for a visit. First time she actually spent a night in their house. She said our step witch was very nice to them and encouraged them to come more often. Maybe the bitch is coming around. I amazed at my sister she was able to just forgive everything and move on. She had extremely huge hatred towards the both of them as well. Now for the slightly weird part, I have seen two psychics. The first one picked up on my mother. My Mom is so pissed at my father. The psychic said she has never felt such anger; generally the spirits are happy when their love ones move on. The next psychic I saw said there is an old man that is very unhappy and has been for years. That must be my father. Now what do I do? How do I put my personal issues aside and go on from here? The thought of my mom in the after life and my father still alive and both being unhappy is a little unsettling. I am trying to be more mindful and live in the present and not let past things affect me but lets face it are there things that just can't be forgiven. Any advice because I am so deflated with all of this.

I would contact a dob rescue place now because for sure you will be put on a waiting list for awhile or maybe ask if you can be a foster parent.. Either way this gives you time to really decide if you want another dog. I was a veterinary technologist for 23 years and one of my favorite breeds is a doberman. I know they frighten some people but my whole career I never met one I didn't like. But yes they can be over active anxious dog. Just because people were afraid of Pru doesn't mean they will be afraid of the next dobby. But even though I love the breed because of peoples attitudes I got a golden retriever. A water dog best suits our lifestyle. My cat died this summer and I too have been thinking of adding another furbaby but just not sure if right now is a good time. I am surprised I am thinking about it. I think my heart is softening up a bit. Best wishes to you. Keep us posted on what you decide.

My thoughts are with you.

I too am embracing my present. I do find mentally I do better if I stay busy but still find some peoples comments just sting. I always think twice before saying anything that I think could come off in a negative way. I just don't understand why other people can't do the same. And why oh why does it bother me so much? And when it does hurt why can't I just come out and tell them that their words hurt? I just finished reading The Power of Now. I will admit I found it a hard read but he said something to the tune if you are living in the present then peoples negative comments can go right though you and they don't hurt you. Sounds pretty great to me. I actual had some success with it. Had one person's negative comments just go right through me but then the next day my SIL say something that just burned my butt. But did I say anything to her. No I didn't. I just sometimes don't understand myself and I am getting tired of it. Hugs to you Trying if you find a way to take the criticism let me know.

You go girl you are inspirational.

Big hug to you DebW. I have so much to say but have no idea what to say first and to say it without sounding heartless. I have been really practicing mindfulness/living in the now/yoga/mediation and sure feel a difference. You do know your Mom needs help but lets face it if she isn't going to go, there is nothing you can do. I use to get so upset when people would say or not say things and wouldn't act the way I thought they should. But now I am just accepting the way my life is. I thought I did accept my life but yesterday I think I really accepted my life. I went out with an old friend who I think is very much like your Mom. She would give the shirt off her back in an emergency but she is one hateful person. The world is always half empty in her eyes and she wants to spread her pain around. During our lunch she was complaining about her husband her kids everything then she turned on me and said something to the tune of well your kids can't complain about their father. Before this would have burned me from the inside out but yesterday I didn't feel a thing. I just let her angry comments go right through. I hope I made some sense.

This past week I have been chatting with a guy and it is just so extremely painfully boring. I am trying to be patient because lord knows I have writers block as well. He asks how was my day so I told him some details. I didn't want to into too much detail just gave him the highlights. Two minutes after I posted it, he writes back and asks how my day is going? Just don't think there is a match there. I do like what SunshineFl did.I think it is time I follow that path.

Hugs to you.

A few weeks before my husband's passing I was talking to a co-worker about growing up without a father, little did I know that was going to become my reality a few weeks later.

Big hugs to you BrokenHeart2. I totally agree Jess and Trying giving yourself permission is really the starting point but I do know even that can sometimes be hard to do. Having fun in some people triggers the stuck mode again. I find mediation and practicing mindefullness/living in the now also helps me stay in the present and this took me awhile to adjust to. I remember being so against writing in a journal but now I do it. At first I found it really sucked because now you are actually documenting the wild things going through the brain but I found it didn't take long to find good things that happened during the day. Keep posting that also will help you.

I love that you have posted this Mac because I have been looking for the new Rule book because the old one just not cutting it anymore.

Great article. Thanks for sharing it

On and off I have been battling this since my husband's passing. My husband was the "master of collecting junk". We just didn't have our junk but he also had his parents and grandmother who where also deceased stuff. I just not sure how this house didn't explode from the inside out. lol I read the Japanese art of decluttering. Some of I agree with and others I don't. I really want to be a minimalist but lets face it all your processions you can't be in love with. For example my husband's tools. They are everywhere. Any clue on how to organize stuff that you have no clue what half the junk is for? Any suggestions? I don't really know of any men who could help me with this and my sons don't know what the stuff is for either.

First off thank you for your honesty. I too still have those moments/days where it just feels off and I just want for it to stop.

I know Sugarbell, all of this is hard. Is the coordinator alright with your delivery method?

I think you are making complete sense to me. I volunteer with my widow support group to give extra support because I know first hand not having any really is a horrible thing to go through. But just like you I don't want to focus on my pain or what I went through I want to focus on the person who needs the help right now. I really don't want to keep going back to those dark times I want to proceed in life. But the last time I volunteered it didn't go well and I honestly don't know if I will go back. Guess I really don't know what advice I can give except that I know when a member posts something positive on here it really gives me a boost of hope.

Keep me posted. I am still have some anxiety issues driving but I am working on it.

To you and your family, congratulations on your move.

Went to a back yard party yesterday. I was so nervous going to a party where you hardly know anyone and I had a fabulous time. Can't believe I stayed up to 2 am, that is a shocker as well.

How to ruin a relationship before it has started.