Max2507

She's probably seen too many ads for 50 shades of gray

You knew what to do when 6 months was over, graduate to 6-12mths. When I got to the year and beyond section it felt like a life sentence. How would I get beyond active grieving. This is such a weird journey. I saw a post on facebook the other day that made me realize I am moving beyond active grieving. It said "The saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories, becomes a memory" It made me cry but also kind of made a lot of sense about a transition between grieving and beyond active grieving. He's no longer an active part of my life. I transitioned from identifying as his wife, then his widow, then a shell of nothingness, to now when I feel more like a whole person. The connection I felt so strong early on, to the intense sadness and longing, to now sweet memories. It seems so long ago. This year I started antidepressants, started taking pilates and yoga, started thinking about where I would like to be heading, all the sudden my wedding rings that gave me great comfort are just rings and I may just stop wearing them. I have been able to be a better friend. Still downs but not as many and not as deep. Still a lot of financial stress but things are more stable and I don't worry (or care) as much. I feel like I am getting there.

Jen, never feel bad about sharing your experience, good or bad. I am a year further along than you and relate to a lot of your posts (not to scare you) but things do get better. There are a lot of ups and downs and you have made tremendous progress. There is no passing or failing. Its surviving and making something out of whats left. It is so hard. I find it so hard to put into words sometimes but when I read other, more articulate posters, detailing whats going on in my mind too, I just read and say yes, yes that's it. It is sad when you know someone has never had the kind of love you have experienced but its like saying its gods plan, just unhelpful bullshit. Yes, if it had been a shitty relationship I would be fine now.

That's wonderful. Nothing like some hard rocking to uplift your spirits. I saw Rush over memorial day weekend and it was awesome. I think the loud music, vibrations, and positive energy of the crowd helps you feel better.

You may be clinically depressed. At about a year and a half I was full of dread, couldn't make myself do anything, struggling to do the bare minimum, having to force myself to shower, not enjoying anything. I started on a low dose antidepressant and it has helped a lot. I still have some struggles, a lot of the same stresses, but I am doing a lot better and coping a lot better. I think one can only get so worn down. I was totally depleted. Not 100% now but not hitting the snooze button 6 times either. Take care, this is such a hard road.

I read this too. Love the "Plan A is not available. So let's kick the shit out of plan B." statement

I would certainly consider renting and bolstering your savings and retirement. Does the townhouse neighborhood have any amenities like open spaces, pool, etc? Are parks available nearby? I have a lot of properties and am overwhelmed with the "my such in such isn't working when will it get fixed?" Makes me want to rent because if something happens just call the landlord. No outdoor maintenance is nice. Before you know it your kids will be grown. Are you sure you want to stay there even after the kids are grown?

I remember early on how comforting it was to know someone else knew and understood, that I wasn't alone. It makes a difference. So glad to hear such wonderful news about your tests.

I am just past two years and still wear mine. Have just felt like I wanted to. I have thought I might get a ring made from mine and his to wear. Seems a huge waste to have them sit in a box some where. So I had that thought for some time and saw another widow's ring she had made from both of their rings that was just spectacular so I figured I would do it eventually when I felt like it was time. So just recently I have decided to have that done for my 50th birthday later this year. I even had someone recently ask me if I had remarried, awkward. No dude, I haven't even started dating, can't imagine being remarried at this point. So that's my ring story. Everyone's will be different. If you get to your date and change your mind fine or if you take it off fine. There is no right or wrong, its your decision and your decision alone. This widow stuff is always damned if you do and damned if you don't. People are like" why are you still wearing your ring?" or if you took it off " Wow you aren't wearing your ring anymore" Fortunately for me with widowhood came a lack of give a shit about what other people think. Another thing is don't be afraid to change your mind. If you say I am taking it off July 1st, but tomorrow decide you are taking it off saturday, go ahead. If you take it off and decide you still want to wear it, just put it back on. Do what you want and feels right for you.

I know for myself there were a lot of things I quit doing because it used to be something my husband and I did. I couldn't even watch the same tv shows. My son was 15 when DH died and it was towards the end of the school year so that worked out good, a lot of things were naturally ending and then he had new things to get into at the start of the school year. Still earlier this year (at about 22 months) we had to do some things in a town about an hour away and I suggested we go to a big car show that happened to be the same weekend there. Once we did our other errands and were headed to the show I think he nearly had a panic attack and said he didn't feel like going, lets just go home, purposefully drove past the entrance. I was kind of shocked and just suggested a different lunch place and changed gears. Once we changed plans he was back to normal. I didn't push it and we talked about it on another day. I think letting him decide would be good. It is empowering to make decisions, so much has happened that is out of his control. See what he would like to explore, maybe there is something new he would like to try. I got my son into guitar and that worked great. Maybe scouts and his old sport are too much of a reminder of his old life and he needs to find something new.

I know I have a few yahoo and gmail accounts that I couldn't remember the passwords to so I had to make a whole new account. It may not be a "secret" account at all. I have not had that happen, finding something I didn't know about, but on the old ywbb I had seen posts about this and most seem like drop it and move on is the best move. One email account is not having a secret life from you. I understand wanting to have more of her, understanding everything but its not possible. Its the worst to have a burning question and never being able to ask that person. There is a lot of obsessing over pointless and futile things in this grieving stuff.

I saw an article about cuddleparty.com Its basically that a cuddle party, I guess I am so starved of physical attention it sounded great but none in my area, bummer.

The thought of it is one thing, the actual sight and sound of it, I can see how that would trigger a lot of emotions. But getting an early exposure to it may help you at the actual event. I find when I have a really loosing it day or two, then I feel better. I hope it works that way for you, let the tears flow now so at the airshow you can focus on enjoying it and his legacy with the airplanes.

My son is 17 1/2, it's better now but 14-16 boys have lots of hormones, its a lot like pms. My daughter was never as hormonal acting as he was.

I didn't even think this was real when I first saw the post but Bill Maher commented on his show about it so I read the thread. Not for me even if my DH had been cremated but there are so many weird widow thoughts, feelings, things that if someone did want one I could understand. Whatever gives one comfort (and hey an orgasm couldn't hurt either).

You don't have to mention she will always be in her life in a far away, no contact kind of way. Probably once he dies your SIL won't care anymore because she won't be able to whine to him how you are keeping them apart.

I think its like a surprise that even celebrity people can have death and tragedy...which means it can certainly happen to everyone else. Of course we already know this. When I saw the story my thought was about that moment when I realized my perfect life was over and how I was hysterically crying in the hospital screaming no it can't be, it can't be. I don't want anyone famous or not to have that moment, its so horrible. It was two years yesterday for me so it's been on my mind a lot.

Slow is good. I think especially with teenage boys. But the more they see you guys together doing regular things they will get used to it. They will also see how happy you are with him. Really teenagers are naturally self centered and look for what's in it for them and how will it effect them. And of course they are protective of their mom. My DH was my kids step dad but was really the only dad they ever had. They were young when we started dating and I didn't even introduce them until we had dated 2 years. Then it was another two years before we married and lived together. He didn't have kids and was afraid but I told him its just like dating, you find common interests, spend time together, develop a relationship. He would take my son out to lunch, to help him at work, all kinds of stuff. We went on some family vacations together, renting cabins. They were a nightmare! But now years later my kids say stuff like "remember when we went to Georgia how much fun we had blah blah blah" and I am thinking oh the vacation I wanted to throw myself off of the mountain to get away from you guys. Don't be hard on yourself, its not up to your kids if you have a boyfriend or more. But I totally understand wanting to make it all work so that everyone is happy. The summer pool get togethers sound perfect. Grilling, maybe a campfire with smores.

Having unanswered questions is can be so frustrating. Maybe he was doing it to be funny and kept waiting for you to ask about it.

There are so many loose ends like that and its like no one was ever widowed before so no one knows what to do. Seems like they should have some kind of widow lounge where they rush you into a massage chair, give you a fancy coffee drink and take care of everything while you are relaxing. Dumbest comment: talking to a mortgage company after I tell them my husband died they say well because you are not on the account I cannot give you any information, he will have to give us permission to talk to you.

Sorry you need to find a new job but it has to be draining your soul to work in that situation. I have never been one to shy away from change until now. After my husband died I can't even tolerate the smallest change without a near breakdown so it is easy to understand not wanting to change anything much less a job and possible relocation. I hope you find a healthier situation.

Hoping it goes well, sending positive vibes your way!

When I was working as a nurse, I was scheduled to work on valentine's day, no big deal because I was married a couple years and had my love every day. I wasn't expecting anything but my husband sent pizza for the whole floor and an enormous flower arrangement for me. It was a nice surprise.

I have always found your posts very articulate and really explain how I am feeling too but can't quite put it in words. Thanks and hugs.

Everything Maureen said! You deserve so much better and your son as well!