Wheelerswife

I finally finished the paper I'd been trying to make myself write for a couple of days. Tomorrow? I'm going to work on...another paper. Such is the life... Maureen

Sandi, Who said you could go to Ohio? Maureen

As far as burial goes, John and I decided to be cremated and split. This summer I will trek to northern California and bury half of his ashes beside his late wife. The other half will be buried with me. Half of me will be buried on the east coast with my first husband. If I find another wonderful partner in life, I guess that I can be split into thirds. Right now I have my name on 2 gravestones, one in CT and one in KS. I never dreamed when I was young that I would be writing something like this. Maureen

Lisa, In my opinion, it seems that the information about how to access the chat room should be kept easily accessible so that newcomers can find it. I know some people are using this thread to let people know they are available to chat...and I'm not sure that that was the initial intention of the thread. I know that on YWBB, there were people who were newer who didn't even realize there was a chat room, and sometimes dear RobFTC was resurrecting information fairly frequently. I don't know if there is an option of a pinned thread that people can't respond to? People could always start a new thread if they had questions or if they wanted to ask for someone to join them in chat? Maureen

I've only begun to go through things of John's. One of my hard things? The love notes between him and his DW. I'm glad he loved her. His words to her were sweet. He was a devoted man...to another woman before me. What do I do with this part of him? Just a rhetorical question, really... Maureen

Tracey, my friend, I know it is hard. You have a place to go. Get J through the school year...and make your move. You know it is right. My friend fleur has read you right. J needs you to do this, too. You haven't failed C. He has failed you. Hindsight is 20/20. He had so many behaviors from weeks after Rick died...to lure you in, professing his long-time love for you, getting you to move to him, then leaving you emotionally abandoned. You know now that he is abusive. You've said it yourself. I personally don't have a clue what it is like to be in your 8 1/2's, but you know it needs to happen. It is easier said than done. I think you might be writing here so that you can help convince yourself that you are right and you need to get out. J is a resilient young man and he will thrive even more when you are in a place that he can truly call home, even if it is with family for now. Anyone who knows you will support your decision to leave. Leaving is not failure. In this case, leaving is success. I wish I was nearby, because I would help you move those bins of precious memories and follow you down the road to a better place for you and J. Hugs, Maureen

We talked about it...but in the long run we didn't do a pre-nup. We didn't have kids, and that may have had an impact on things. We combined assets and re-wrote wills. I don't want to sound morbid, but it really helped to simplify dealing with all of the legal crap after his subsequent death. Do what you need to do for your own situation, but my advice is to get your affairs in order somehow. Maureen

I met my polarbear in the chat room and a few days later we were on the phone for hours a night. We decided to meet quickly...three weeks later he flew out to meet me. There was instant chemistry and we really knew then that we wanted to be together. It was about 6 weeks before we saw each other again and shortly after that, we were making plans for me to move to where he lived. I moved 6 months after we started talking and we got married a year after that first conversation. There was never an ounce of guilt about being in love again...or so quickly. Maureen

Old friend, I know this is so hard for you and the fixer in me wishes I could fix it all and bring Rick back to you. I'll encourage you to pack another bin of stuff for the day you make your get-away. Love you, Maureen

Ah! hachi! Good for you, girl! Go explore the world a bit. I hope you have a blast. RIFF...I hope you get the chance to do the same! I love the spirit of exploration! Maureen

My BIL and MIL were not pleased that I did not want them in my house when I wasn't home. This was around the time of the memorial service, and I was only going to be away from home for a few hours, mostly due to a doctor's appointment. They are from out of state (Alaska and Wisconsin and I live in Kansas) and were staying at a hotel anyways. I found later that my BIL did sneak a few small items out of my house that I would have given him, had he asked. I started having panic attacks with people in my house and for that reason, I just needed to protect my home and my personal space. I realize that all they really wanted was to have time in their son/brother's house, but they didn't take me up on the offer to come back once I got home. I think they are still angry about it over a year later...but they are hundreds to thousands of miles away and fortunately, it doesn't impact me day-to-day. Hugs, Maureen

I can't agree with you more on this one. At the same time, I feel like we need to live the life we have right now. There aren't any guarantees. It's hard doing this once...which we have all done, and of course, it is doubly hard doing this twice. I wouldn't take back the decisions I made to love my second husband - and to dive into a life with him that turned out to be the most amazing moments of my life. It hurts...a lot. But I will take those 3 years and 9 months and cherish every bit of them, because my second husband made me the absolute happiest I'd ever been. It is worth the pain...for me, at least. At the same time, I don't want to go through this again, but I will take that risk some day, because for me (and maybe not some others) having someone with whom I can share deep intimacy is critical to my happiness. I want to be happy again. I don't know if this really answers your question, MrsTim. But I understand your fear. Maureen

That was me this evening...stuck my foot in my mouth...completely missed the cues to put the filter on some thoughts. UGH! I'm sure it wasn't the first time I've done such a thing...and unfortunately, it won't be the last. I can be such a DGI myself. Sigh. Maureen

MS, I know you've been patient with this guy and you care about him, but perhaps you can now focus on someone who might be present to you. You deserve to be higher on the list of priorities! He might be a great guy, but he's not in a place to be there with and for you. Hugs, Maureen PS. Pru seems like a better snuggler than this guy! At least she's always there!

Wow, hikermom, I can really relate to this. There is so much that our very special husbands (and wives) are missing...so many things we'd love the opportunity to share with them, from changes in the world, to our own growth, to the growth of children for those who have them. It boggles my mind that these great people, who had so much to contribute...have ceased to exist...and long before their time. Hugs! Maureen

I recall playing the widow card shortly after my first husband died. I had 2 vehicles, an adapted mini-van with a ramp and tie-downs for his wheelchair, and a Jeep Wrangler. Neither of them were well-suited for me and his dog, so I decided to sell them both and get a small SUV. I was willing to get a used vehicle, but I didn't want to pay more than I would get for the trade-in value of both vehicles. (I didn't have the energy to try to sell the Jeep, and a third-party modified vehicle dealer was taking the van in this transaction.) After test driving several models (CarMax was good for this!), I chose to go to a dealer for my purchase. Unfortunately, the prices on their used vehicles (one year old) were above the market value of my two vehicles combined. They guy asked me why I was trading in my old vehicles, so I told him my husband had died weeks earlier and I needed a more functional vehicle for me and it was hard walking into the garage every day and seeing the van. He asked me if I would take a blue or red vehicle...I chose blue...and he lowered the price to exactly my trade-in value. They probably didn't make much money on that car, but I got what worked for me. Maureen

I've roamed around a bit and met a few folks from here...just a few. Last summer I went to the east coast...a 25 state road trip. This summer, I'm grabbing my niece and heading west. We hope to hit some national parks. We will definitely hit the west coast. We will have to see who we can run into this summer.... Maureen

Sigh. It's hard to think that you can't express something such as missing your dead husband with your current husband, but there just isn't any way that anyone, really, knows the depth to which we feel that loss. It is unique. John and I would acknowledge those days together, but had to grieve on our own, too. I think I reached out to John more than he reached out to me, but I think that was more a function of our different personalities. He tended to grieve more inwardly. He never went back to YWBB after we were together. Me? I've been here 5 1/2 years. Just different ways of coping. Hugs, TFO...and grab that little dog and snuggle if you need to! Maureen

I guess I have a thing for dogs! I swear, though, that I do nothing more graphic with them than cuddling. Rosie is a bit of a kisser, though, and I have to be careful with exposed skin.... Plans for tonight? Staying in and working on a draft of a research paper. Rosie should be tuckered out after her trip to the dog park. Maureen

My first love was Barry. He was the weakest yet most resilient man I'd ever met. My second love was John, my polarbear. Affectionate, brilliant, a humble teacher. His impact was long beyond what he realized.

Ursula...I'm coming to where you are! Which island am I making my reservations for? Maureen

My birthday today...and I went to a Hunger Banquet tonight. We were given a slip of paper when we arrived with a character on it...that determined what we would get for dinner based on what that person could afford. I had a scoop of rice with a few beans and water for my birthday dinner. The "lucky" people got a 4 course meal. Some others, a couple slices of pizza. No birthday cake for me today, either. What can I get for a drink tonight on an empty stomach? Maureen

I'm not going to be able to hang here tonight...going out for real with some friends to listen to a science lecture. John was a scientist and I caught a little bit of the bug from him. Meanwhile, enjoy a Margarita in my absence! Maureen

"D" is intended to mean "dear". It is also used with children...DD is dear daughter, DSS would be dear step-son, etc. Maureen

This sounds so encouraging! I'm glad you all had a good time! Maureen