Wheelerswife

Oh, the gamut of responses to this question! I use a variety of responses, depending on who asks, where I am at the time, how much time there is to get into the story, and whether I'm in a frame of mind to relive my stories. I wear my wedding band on my right hand and sometimes, someone will ask if it is a wedding ring. Sometimes, I just say, "Yes." When I don't continue, some people realize that I don't want to elaborate. I've gotten used to calling myself a widow. I've had 5 1/2 years of experience at it, so that word rolls off my tongue fairly easily. Sometimes I just say, "I'm widowed." The trickier questions come when someone realizes I'm not from where I currently live. The questioning often starts with, "How did you end up in (my town in Western Kansas)?" If the person is someone with whom I want to become more acquainted, I might give them the whole story...which is that I met my second husband on a young widows support site and moved to be with him, but that he also died. There is no easy answer, really. In time, I've just become more comfortable telling my story. I hope you can eventually feel comfortable, too, donswife. Hugs, Maureen

I'm sitting here working on creating answers to 11 questions for my oral final in my communications class...and watching the weather radar. Fortunately, I'm not 45 miles west of here where one supercell has dropped at least a dozen little tornadoes tonight. Hopefully the wheat fields are the only things damaged. It's pretty rural out there. Maureen

TooSoon, I know your FIL cares deeply about M. Blood runs deep in some families, and it must pain him to know that he might be the last connection M might have to his family. Humor him for the time being, but don't commit to anything specific. Your life and M's life will go on and you have to live it in a positive light. SIL will probably say the same kinds of nasty things she has always said and you can't stop her. You will just need to have thick skin - and support from the people in your life that truly matter. I'm sorry that this well-intentioned man is causing you angst. Hugs, Maureen

I think that the hardest part might just be making the decision. Once the decision is made, it becomes a commitment and then, like other things you commit yourself to, you move forward to completion. Your head moves into a mode of thinking forward. I realize that I am unlikely to stay in my current home, although I have no idea where I will move in the future. I'm unlikely to stay in the house that we renovated together. I doubt I will stay in Kansas. You've had the idea in your head that you would probably move...you might just be surprised at the timing. Best wishes....it will be more short-term stress, but in the long run...less worry. Maureen

Ummm...I'm going to try to make this a part of my eastern seaboard trip. I can head north from PA to get my niece and then head west.... Maureen....who is supposed to be finishing a big research paper...

Dave...I am so sorry you and Alysha are facing this barrage! The important thing...YOU know your reality. You know your losses. You know your incredible love. Hugs to all of you! Maureen

Xanax works for me. I take a small dose a few minutes before I go to bed, and combined with my dog practically sleeping on top of me, I can usually get to sleep and stay asleep. On rare occasion these days, I wake abruptly or have nightmares and need another dose to settle me down. This is probably more an issue with anxiety, but I don't know if it will help with insomnia. I had insomnia after my first husband died, but that resolved after John and I were together and I wasn't sleeping alone. Sigh. I hope you find a solution. Maureen

I was actually able to make it before this bago ended...sorry to have missed Indri. I did get to meet Gauaruj?, though! It is always nice to get together with the great CT/New England crew! I swear that if you all let me come back again I won't freak someone out who thinks they really want to join our group by telling them the price of admission! Me and my morbid humor....having come from a funeral... Maureen

Heading to my FIL's funeral this weekend. I will also get the opportunity to visit Barry's grave. I may even go twice. Who knows...three times? Maureen

I really haven't had to do anything in my husband's memory, because the university has done so many things. There is a scholarship in his name, a tree dedicated to him, a new faculty award named after him and an entire day dedicated to research - that has his name emblazoned on it. That day...was today. His name is all over campus on posters and bulletin boards, on signs and even on adhesive posters on the floors of academic buildings. If you didn't know that today was John H*******s Scholarly and Creative Activities Day, you didn't have your eyes open. I'm so pleased that the university recognizes the contribution he made to this school...but at the same time, each different activity or award is such an emotional trigger. My mind doesn't know which person to grieve today...DH1, DH2 or FIL1. It's all been dredged up. Maureen

He was a really, really good man. He was the father of my first husband. My husband was born with a genetic disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. He was never able to walk. When my husband was 2 1/2, his parents were told that he would be dead by the age of 5. My MIL retreated into depression with this news and my FIL became my husband's primary caregiver. (MIL came back around when it became evident that her son wasn't really dying as doctors had predicted.) FIL would have done anything in his power to help his son, including icing and stretching out his legs every day and putting him into long leg braces and a standing box so that his spine would grow straighter. He never gave up on his son and believed his son could have a good life, which he did. Toward the end of my husband's life, when he was as fragile and dependent as an infant, my FIL would come by the house every weekday morning and patiently feed my husband breakfast one bite at a time and wait for my husband's personal assistant to arrive for his shift (after I had gone to work.) My FIL had his first heart attack in his late 30's and feared he would not live to be able to help his son when his son needed him. He outlived his son by 5 1/2 years. In the end, Alzheimer's disease and pneumonia got him at age 86. My FIL and I had a sweet and flirty relationship. He always smiled when he saw me, even when in the depths of the disease that robbed him of his memory and ability to communicate effectively. When my parents refused to come to my wedding, my FIL came to comfort me. He was a better father to me than my own father. He loved me for me, and for loving his son. I'll probably screw up the end of my semester by doing this, but I'm flying home to attend the funeral this weekend. I need to say goodbye to this man who loved me like a father should love his daughter. I don't know what it will be like seeing my SIL and BIL and their families, since I never see them when I go back east. My MIL will likely be very frail and I don't think she will stick around on earth much longer. She lost a lot of the will to live when her son died, and now that she has walked her husband to death's door, I think her time will come fairly quickly. I imagine I'll walk into that same mortuary where we held my husband's funeral. I will see the same rabbi that handed me the shovel to toss dirt onto my husband's casket. I will sit shiva with family and see the spread of Jewish foods. I know it is going to unbury some sad memories, too. I need to do this, though. I'm going.... Maureen

I understand your anger. You deserved to have your wife for a long, long time. I feel robbed of time I should have had with my second husband. We knew each other just shy of 3 years and 10 months and we married a year after we met. He too, went to bed one night and never woke up. It has been over 15 months and I'm not nearly as angry as I was...but I still just shake my head and want to cry out, "Why did you have to die??!!??" Keep breathing. This isn't easy. But every single one of us here have made it through this (and I've been through it twice) and in spite of how it feels like we can't live through the pain, we have made it through the 24 hours of each day since our hearts were broken. I'm glad you've found us. Maureen

Smabify, There has been a skydiving bago! Maureen

D, It was a huge risk in many ways to pick up and leave the life I'd known, but really, my life had drastically changed. Things didn't happen all at once, either. I didn't intend to leave my career when I moved. I just never followed through on getting my license and that pretty much told me that I didn't want to do it anymore. The biggest risk was letting go of control and letting John support me in the years-long transition to a new career. I've definitely taken that slowly, but I had a lot of fun in the time that John and I were together, too. Because of the nature of your career and the demand for workers, you can always find work - be it full time, part time or per diem. If you don't get so far away from the profession (like I have done) you can always go back. I broke free at 48. If you think you want to make a change...make just one step. Try a college class..even online. Maureen

I seem to get all kinds of posts on Facebook, sometimes posted by widows, that just don't ring true at all. Sometimes they set me back a bit. Today's little tidbit (not from a widow): "Sometimes you just have to stop worrying, wondering and doubting. Have faith that things will work out - maybe not how you planned, but just how they are meant to be." Ummm...Nope. I've got pretty thick skin and somehow I've managed to figure out how to live with loss one and I'm bound and determined to figure it out again. But...to say that this is how it was meant to be? I don't think so. I guess I look at life through a very different lens than some people. Maureen

When I made big decisions in my life, I felt like my choices were just right. I think, though, that it was easier because my decisions didn't affect anyone else. I'm contemplating future decisions right now as well, but for the moment, it seems pretty clear that the timing isn't right to make any changes yet. So...for now, I keep envisioning the aspects of the change that I'd like to see. Those remain vague. For instance, I like small town living. I'd like greater access to more populated areas, but I don't want to be so close that I'm caught in traffic all the time. I'd like to live somewhere closer to mountains or lakes or the ocean. I'd like to get a job at a smaller college or university. Since I'm not ready to move anywhere, it helps that I'm okay staying in the hypothetical for now. Maybe you can create the image of what you want without many specifics? That might help you define what you really want. I left the same profession that you are in. It wasn't hard to leave after 26 years, although I'd never envisioned that change. It was definitely trickier to figure out what I wanted to do next. That took me about 4 years to figure out! I know you don't feel satisfied right now, but it does earn a good living and it pays the bills. Maybe look to a local university career advisement office? Good luck, old colleague! Maureen

Ah, the power of metaphor... Maureen

I'm writing a paper for my group counseling class. Anyone want to write it for me? Obviously, if I am here, I am not exactly focused, am I? Maureen

Hugs from here, too. Somehow, even when we know that death is inevitable, we still hold onto hope. It is how we figure out how to live before they die. And no matter how well prepared you might be for them to die, there just isn't anything that can prepare you for them to be dead. I'm sorry for your loss, and for that of her husband, children and other family, too. Maureen

We had 4 tornadoes northeast of town last evening...all in very thinly populated areas...no reports of damage. There were also areas of significant hail, but we just got some much-needed rain. Maureen

Justin, I had a particularly tough time near 9 months out from losing John. My anxiety was really kicking my butt and I didn't always realize it, even though some wise widow friends could see it clearly. It wasn't as obvious as panic and anxiety attacks, but more of a struggle to process information, feeling overloaded, and being unable process charged information logically. I'm doing better with that...my dog helps tremendously...and I am functioning better on many levels. I still have grief triggers and I think I know well enough to let myself experience them for what they are. I'm able to function at somewhat higher levels, though my focus is a challenge and I have to force myself to do schoolwork. Fortunately, I have deadlines, and they help a lot. Next week will be tough because of events are occurring that have been named for John. I know, though, that whatever the intensity of my grief, I've made it through every bit of it before and I know I will survive it again. I wish it wasn't this way...but I have no control over it, really. Hang in there! Hugs, Maureen

Anyone care to join? Sirens going off on my phone and occasionally in town, even though the worst of the weather has been in the northern part of the county (largely uninhabited). The night is offering more of the same. I will have my laptop and phone ready for my basement excursions. Maureen

Rudi...I have seen pictures of your beaming face on your wedding day. I hope you can have some really fond memories today. Hugs, Maureen

Like tableforone, I was initially wanting to die. After my first husband died, I posted on our old board that I wanted to fall asleep on my side of our double plot at the cemetery and just not wake up. They would just need to dig the hole and roll me into it. Fortunately, that feeling didn't last too long. Life became good again...and happy. I remarried and was happier than I'd ever been. Then my second husband died and I immediately had medical issues ad surgery and was ultimately diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. I decided then that I just wanted the cancer to take me quickly and get me out of my misery. Well, the cancer hasn't even resurfaced (yet) and my attitude has changed as well. I don't want to die. I've kept putting one foot in front of the other and although I've accomplished some things, but I'm not living fully yet. I have to believe that it is possible to find happiness again...and purpose. It isn't easy....that's for sure. Maureen

The first time...I came home from the hospital the night he died and I went to get into bed and the reality hit me that this day...which I had dreaded since the day I met him over 18 years earlier...it had come. He was dead. I was alone. I was a widow. I crawled into bed on his side and I've slept on "his" side ever since. The second time, I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of a winery in Connecticut after having received the news that the police had found him dead back at home in Kansas. Several friends had been messaging with me while I waited for that phone call. One of my dear widow friends sent me a text, "Have you heard anything?" My response, "He's dead." Then it hit me...AGAIN. Widowed AGAIN. It's never easy. I prefer to be called my husband's wife, too, not his widow. I am used to saying that I am a widow, though. I'm not sure that makes sense, but it does to me. Maureen