Wheelerswife

Mikeeh, I get it. I had to rely on my sister to come stay with me 12 days after John's memorial service when I had major surgery. When I found out I had cancer and my docs were considering chemo...that put me into a frenzy. Do I do this on my own, or do I go stay with family that is (a) already busy with lives of their own and with limited resource to help me or (b) so challenging to live with because of values and belief systems that are worlds apart? Fortunately, the decision was made not to do chemo, but if my cancer comes back, I don't think there will be much choice. The reality is that being alone really sucks, and the sense that we may always be alone, without someone who loved us as spouses do....it can be really overwhelming. I try not to think about it, because it keeps me from functioning now. But, as is evident in your post, the thoughts rise whether we try to suppress them or not. Hugs, Maureen

MrsTim85, I hear your frustration. NG doesn't understand that "most widows" have had an experience that is very different from "most people!" Stuff is just stuff, right? Nah. In our throw-away society, "most people" get attached to something new, but lose attachment and can just let go of things or replace them with something new and better and shinier. "Most widows", on the other hand attach great meaning to the stuff they had and used with their late spouse. Loss of our spouses injures us deeply. I'm sorry you are feeling like you can't heal fast enough. I wish you could feel comfortable honoring the process as you experience it for yourself, and still keep moving into the life you didn't expect to be living right now. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Jenni. I had those two days in January...just 5 days apart. Hang on tight. The ride will smooth a bit when you get some widow hugs. Maureen

Butch, I'm so sorry that you lost your beloved wife and the mother of your son. I'm glad you found this place, though. It isn't easy to understand how other people - like in-laws - respond to the loss of our spouses. It is hard when they need to place blame. My MIL is angry with me for not taking care of her son's health...like I was supposed to impose myself on a grown and intelligent adult capable of making his own decisions about seeing a doctor or what he chose to eat. In many ways, we need to find ways to keep ourselves safe. Fortunately, my MIL lives quite a distance away and I don't have to have contact with her. You get to decide what is best for you and your son. That may include distance from her family. Hang in there... Maureen

Sometimes, good days are lifesavers. Hang on to them when you can! Maureen

Ummm...yeah...it is warm down here in Kansas. We could move the Bistro here... Maureen

Rebuilding...what a topic. I've pondered this since the thread started. I knew for 18+ years that, barring anything unforeseen, my first husband would die before me and I would have to figure out what came next. Although I'd thought about this second life of sorts over the years, I didn't know what it would look like and I never could have known, really. But I started a new life after my Barry died. I never expected to leave my career and move from New England to the middle of Kansas, but that is where life took me...or where I took life. I'm not sure which it was...but there I went. My new life had some solid parts and some wobbly parts. The most solid aspect was the man who became my second husband. The wobbly parts were the challenges I faced with trying to construct a new direction for my career. I had no idea what I wanted to become in terms of growing my intellect and finding a new career. Fortunately, the stable part of my life, my new husband John, supported me and gave me space to relax a bit, reflect on my life, start to explore possibilities, travel, do some volunteer work and go back to school. Life was good. I was working toward a second bachelor's degree, having fun, learning, considering grad school. The wobbly parts were starting to stabilize. I was actually comfortable being a little bit wobbly. Then, the stable part of my life was pulled out from underneath me. John died suddenly. Other things started collapsing around me as well. I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I developed health problems, had surgery and was diagnosed with cancer. Here I was, without John or family nearby, feeling as wobbly as I had ever felt in my life. I had to find something to hold onto...to give me stability. What became my stability? School, or university - as some of our friends from the UK prefer to call it. That wobbly part of my life that had been growing a bit more solid over time...it became the greatest stabilizing force in my life. I was sitting in the classroom 11 days after my second husband died. I had one class each day, a place to be accountable. I missed just one week when I had major surgery. Deadlines and assignments became objects of my focus that forced me to think and produce something constructive, even in the midst of the chaos that my life and emotions had become. I took a summer to travel and see friends and family and I returned to the classroom again the next semester and finished that bachelor's degree. I applied to grad school, knowing I wasn't ready for the work world, and I started a program that is finally giving me some vision of a new career. My wobbly has become my stability. My dog has also added some stability. I'm less anxious, I'm more focused, but I'm still wobbly. My heart craves connection. I don't think it is yet ready, but it has me more forward focused. School will keep me where I am for now, but in a year and a half, there will be another transition. I can't stay in school forever. For now, school keeps me in the present. Some days, my heart is in the past as I lament that I did not have John to grow old with me. But at 14 1/2 months out from the loss of my beloved polarbear, I am starting to think about another future, a third life. Where will it take me? I don't know. I don't think I can know yet. I just have to hope that I will some day find happiness and fulfillment again. Maureen

The better game will be UCONN-Notre Dame women tomorrow night! Maureen

Me, too. I regularly ask the wall/air/him - "Why did you have to die? You were supposed to be my happily-ever-after." He was just that...but for only a few years. Now? I'm left trying to figure out how to rebuild a life all over again. Sigh. Maureen

Just saying, "Hi" to all the PEEPS here! Maureen

Easter is just another Sunday...a day for writing papers - if you are a student like me. Sometimes there is an advantage to living 1600 or so miles from the nearest family member. Maureen

TooSoon, You know my long distance story, but newer folks may not. My polarbear and I were 1600 miles apart when we started talking and we decided to meet pretty quickly so we could find out if there was truly the chemistry between us. Well, it was quite evident that the spark was there and it was on fire. We hated being apart so much that 2 months into our relationship, I began the process of planning my move to be with him. My move came 6 months after we connected. My heart aches for those who find new love but have challenges closing the gap. I know of several people who have done this, most over a much longer time frame, but I also know people who did it much faster than John and I did. It is definitely more complicated when children and careers have to be considered. John and I had no children and I had a career that offered mobility and opportunity elsewhere (and I ended up choosing to "retire" after I moved anyway.) Finances, attachment to family and geographic location and a host of other factors can impact one's ability or desire to relocate, too. I wasn't caring for my aging parents, nor did I have health issues at the time that I moved. I guess that the factor that I considered most with my decision to pursue the relationship with John and to move to be with him was this one thing: Happiness. I would pursue a relationship again for that exact reason. I've had enough heartache. I will do what brings me the most happiness. Hugs, Maureen

Mokie...are you feeding her Michigan wine?

ColSaveMama, I hear your anguish in your post, and I know your feelings are very real. I urge you, though, to take a few breaths and take a step back and realize that those thoughts came to you when you were hurt and betrayed and at your wits end. I haven't been in your shoes, but I did have to face some secrets about my first husband after he died. The secrets I had were bad enough, but I didn't have infidelity pushed into my face, nor drinking or anything abusive. You had to do some things to protect yourself and your children. I know that others can speak to this from first-hand experience, but I have heard several people say something to the effect of their spouse having two parts...the loving person that they loved deeply, and the damaged (for lack of a better word) person that caused pain and anguish because of addiction, mental illness, hurtful behavior... One of our sages here has a line she often invoked...be gentle with yourself. You did the best you knew how under very trying circumstances. Hugs, Maureen

I visited the cemetery daily after my first husband died...for at least the first 6 months. I made it a part of my routine when driving home from work. The cemetery was just a couple of miles from my house. I visited at least a few times a week for the next 6 months, until I moved 1600 miles away. I now visit his grave every time I return to the east coast, which is a few times a year. Depending on how much time I stay in the area where we lived, I sometimes visit 2 or 3 times in the span of several days. My second husband was cremated and his ashes sit on his dresser in the bedroom right now. I will bury half of his ashes with his DW in California this summer. I still have to make those arrangements, and the arrangements for a stone there for him, too. My second husband and I lived in the middle of the country and our late spouses were buried on opposite coasts. We last visited his DW's grave just a couple of weeks before he died unexpectedly. I have a plot in our small city for us, too. It has a headstone, but I'm thinking of holding onto "my half" of his ashes and having them buried with mine when I die. Simple...yet complicated. Maureen

This is, unfortunately, more common that we'd like to acknowledge. I still keep in touch with my first husband's parents...well, his mother, really since his father has advancing Alzheimer's. But my BIL and SIL and their families don't reach out at all. I would say that by about 6 months after DH1 died, they had backed away significantly, although I'd bet they would be cordial if we saw each other. DH2 has a brother and his mother. They both live quite a distance away. BIL keeps in touch by email every few months. (I think he still wants some of his brother's stuff, which he can have, but he's going to have to figure out how to come get it from Alaska.) MIL2 is bitter (about many things) and after my last phone call to her on the anniversary of her son's death in January, I don't know if I'll put myself through her anger again. She lives quite a distance away, too. None-the-less, it hurts to be abandoned by people who are supposed to be family. You aren't the only one, for sure. Does that make it any better? Probably not... You've got us, though. We won't abandon you. Maureen

Attraction - an interesting topic. I was married to two men who would not necessarily be considered attractive by society's/Hollywood's standards. My first husband was a 75 pound little guy who never walked a day in his life. (I fattened him up to 90 pounds, though.) But he had the most expressive eyes and he was easy to talk to and as non-judgmental as anyone I'd ever met. I fell for him rather quickly, even though my head was trying to convince me NOT to get myself involved. My second husband was a big guy, 6'4", 270 pounds...3 times the size of my first husband. He was a non-conformist, thin silver hair pulled back in a ponytail, not one to be terribly comfortable when dressed up. But...he respected people, their positions and more formal events enough to put his own comfort aside and dress accordingly, clearly out of that respect. He had depth that people almost instantly recognized, but he shared it cautiously. He was brilliant, he cared for all of humanity and he was quite humble. We had an incredible connection. I guess I've never had an initial attractiveness toward physical attributes as much as the person inside. But once I'd found myself in the grasp of these two men, I could not help but find them attractive physically. Maureen

Donna, They stay with us. In so many ways, they stay with us. I wish I could hug you today, to sit and listen as you reminisce about Mick. It is hard to say this still (or again) but we know deep down that they would be pleased that we remembered them with tenderness, yet they would also want us to keep living...and that, you are doing. Hugs to you and the boys, Maureen

I hear your deep pain. I'm sorry you had to endure so much. Secrets really hurt. Infidelity really hurts. Losing the man you loved, the father of your children...it hurts. Right now you feel a lot of anger. I haven't experienced your kind of betrayal, but I know others who have. It is going to take time to peel off the layers...anger, sadness, maybe more anger and more sadness again. I'm glad you feel like you can find your voice and vent here. We will listen. Hugs, Maureen

Ah...classes...had one tonight...my really intense professor. I think I'm a bit ahead of my classmates on a big research paper...my weekend at the computer paid off. I will pay Cabana Boy very well....

Uhh...yeah, Mokie...I need a good stiff...drink. I need lots of things, but I will start with a drink. I hope it won't kick up my reflux. Rosie had a long day and she is already zonked out. Is there a masseur here? My shoulders could use some attention....

Maureen and Rosie roll up to the bar. Maureen wants a good stiff one.

When are we going back to the zoo? Rosie needs to meet the elephant. Maureen

I've not used antidepressants, but I have used medication for anxiety. Sometimes it is difficult to ascertain whether someone has "normal" grief or depression. I took my concerns to my doctor and we have worked on finding the best options for me, both medically and otherwise. Both my counselor and my doctor don't believe I am depressed (and neither do I) but we can clearly see the anxiety and panic, which has abated quite a bit in the last few months. I think that talking to professionals is a good way to determine what might be a good route to take for each individual. I know people who have taken antidepressants both before and after being widowed, and I imagine that grief on top of pre-existing depression can make depressive symptoms worse. Best wishes with finding the right solution for you. Maureen

My final conversation with John was over Facetime, as we were 1600 miles apart. We reviewed our day. I asked him to pull his hair out of his pony tail because I wanted to imagine running my fingers through his hair. He obliged me. We talked about having to sleep alone again, but that I would be home in 5 days. We made plans to talk in the morning, exchanged kisses and I love you's, and said goodnight. He died a couple of hours later in his sleep. I still replay that conversation in my head. Maureen