Wheelerswife

Checking in from Santa Fe. We have been the guests of Ann E for a couple of nights and we've gotten a bit of a tour of Santa Fe. Before that, we spent some time in southern Colorado - getting to see the Garden of the Gods and Pike's Peak in the Colorado Springs area and then and the Great Sand Dunes National Park. Who knew there were amazing sand dunes in Colorado? Santa Fe feels like it is an entirely different country - very different culture, very soft-spoke people, a very peace-filled place. Tomorrow, it is on to Arizona. Step by step, I am making my way toward northern California, where I will inter half of John's ashes beside his late wife Cheryl. My chest tightens when I think about it. I know they are "only" ashes, but I am letting go of the part of him that rightly belongs with his other love, as he wished. I'm still sad, though. I want him for myself...but I can't have him....that I know intellectually. He is no longer here. Emotionally, I'm still so sad that our life together came to such an abrupt end nearly 18 months ago. I want him with me now, as I explore this country as we would have eventually if he was still alive. So many feelings and emotions. I want to write something to say at his interment. I've played some things over in my mind while I drive long miles. How do I say goodbye? How do I let go of half of him? July 23. That is the day. Sigh. Breathe. Maureen

Hi, Brett39, I'm not an SOS, but I still want to welcome you to this board. I'm sorry you have had to join our club. Today is a holiday, and that has to be difficult, although it may also be a distraction. You will find here that you aren't the only one facing the loss of a spouse to depression, nor are you alone in trying to raise young children without your spouse. I hope you find a home here, where you can express your thoughts and get support, vent, cry, and scream virtually if that helps. Don't be afraid to connect with those with whom you resonate. If you live near any of the get-togethers we call widowbagos or bagos, for short, you will find people you can instantly connect with. Hang in there. This isn't easy, but all of us have somehow managed to get through it one day, one hour and sometimes one minute at a time. Maureen

Mikeeh, I've never found you the least bit creepy. What are you hiding from me? I realize, though that you are seriously asking these questions. I don't think it is the least bit odd to check out people in your head and wonder... Hugs, Maureen

SVS, I know that this widow journey has really been difficult for you. Yet you remain this incredibly supportive and kind person who reaches out to everyone else. You've motored through medical challenges and you've been such a wonderful support to your children. I meant every word I said at the British Invasion bago when I told one of our newer and younger members that you were the kindest wid on this board. T must have been an incredible man. You both had won the best prize when you found each other. You truly knew how to be life partners and to love and support each other. You had an interdependence and intimacy that others would have envied. You gave yourselves to each other...and that is why it is so difficult now to swallow that he is no longer here. I understand the feeling. I had it with John, though for only a short time, while you had it with T for much longer than I had it. You lived that beautiful life for quite awhile. You only knew that life, really, as your relationship matured over the years. Your happiness was entwined with his. There wasn't any other way you wanted to live. Even though you had your separate aspects, you still shared them, along with decision-making and all of the aspects of your struggles with health, fertility, adoption and raising of your children. Of course, my dear, figuring out this new life, with its additional challenges, is daunting! You've made it this far. You haven't become bitter. You know you want to find a way to enjoy more of life. I think that, in time, you will find the paths to more satisfaction and even happiness. I have to hope that for myself, too! Hugs, Maureen

Home has been okay. I have my niece with me and that has added distraction from missing John. I've been able to see some friends here and I took my niece to campus a couple of times to get the feel of a college of this size and to meet some staff and professors, too. Last night we went to an outdoor concert of the band Parmalee. My niece was in heaven...and we waited in line afterwards so she (and my dog Rosie) could get their pictures taken with the band. Tomorrow we head into Colorado, then down to Santa Fe to spend a little time with an seasoned board widow and then on into Arizona to catch up with Jess! Then it is on to San Diego to see my nephew, then up the southern California coast to catch a couple more people. The scenery should be amazing. That should take us through the next week or so! Maureen

Jen, I hope this moment can be sustained for you. I know that for myself, I can't stand being miserable. I don't want this life I've been tossed into. I wish I could get that Plan B that Sheryl Sandberg spoke of - I want it back. But I can't have it back, and as much as that breaks my heart, I have to figure out how to keep living and not feel miserable. So...I keep going. I push myself to keep doing things. I actually enjoy myself sometimes. I know that Amsterdam will be good for you and you will have moments you enjoy...maybe even the whole time there. That doesn't erase the pain you have, the angst over losing Jim, the "what the "f**k" moments where you want to swear at the universe at the top of your lungs. Some people seem to manage their grief and find happiness or contentment alone. I don't know if I can do that myself. I do know that having friends and professional connections helps me along the way. Being in school helps. Having activities such as lectures and concerts and shows helps. Traveling helps. Making a difference for others helps. All of these things help me pass time and give me genuine moments of happiness. I need and want something more. I need that intimacy I've known from having an awesome life partner. It isn't here now. I'm probably not ready for it, but if it knocked on my door, I'd sure investigate! I guess the gist of all of this is that somehow, we have to find a way that works for us to keep going. Giving up doesn't seem to be the right answer, at least not for me. I'll keep doing it my way. I hope you can find what works for you. Being miserable just sucks. Hugs, Maureen

Thank you, Mizpah. I'm not overly offended by most "DGI's". I realize that I truly didn't understand before losing my first husband, even though I've seen many people die in my life. I had to have at least a few hundred patients die over the years working in health care, as well as extended family members. After nearly 6 years of widowhood, I'm pretty good in catching people before they say too much and I try to gently let them know that their comments don't reflect the understanding of many people who grieve the loss of someone close. I'm pretty authentic with friends and strangers alike. I'm adept at telling my story. The truth is that none of us know how we will handle something like the loss of a spouse (or a child) until it happens. Each loss is so unique, yet similar in some ways. I think most of us have come to realize that we have little choice but to deal with the adversities in our lives and depending on the resources we have at hand, we grasp onto what we can and hold on for the ride. If we fall off, we have to figure out if we are best to climb back on or just sit where we landed for a bit. I guess my coping style is to hold on and keep riding. Some day, I hope that this strategy will take me to a place of more peace, where I can look at life with fewer tears in my eyes and more hope that good things will come to me...or I will find them. If this means I am strong, then I guess I am. Maybe being strong means facing fear head on and trying not to let it swallow me. Maureen

Mizpah, I think it catches me the wrong way sometimes because people equate being strong with not being in pain. Even in my second marriage, people had the impression that I was "strong" and didn't miss my first husband or still grieve for him. Fortunately, within that marriage, there was the space for and acceptance of my grief, and my second husband's grief as well. Did it color our lives as much as it had in the early days? No. But it was still there and it would creep out sometimes and even smack us upside the head occasionally. Losing John almost 18 months ago was an incredibly devastating blow, followed by a host of medical issues and a cancer diagnosis. The reality that I've coped by continuing school (time filler, mind expander, deadline placer, forced socializer, career re-starter, future income provider) and traveling (time filler, mind expander, people connector, teacher of wisdom, soother of anxiety) seems to make people think I am strong. In reality, it is what I do because I would just crumble if I stood still. I'm afraid to crumble. I guess that's it. I'm really not strong. I'm afraid. Maureen

Leslie, I've had my share of physical issues since I was first widowed. I was an extreme caregiver for 18 years with my first husband, who was disabled from birth. I voluntarily took on an extreme caregiving role. I held it together pretty well, but I feel in many ways that my body has failed me since he died. I've had back pain problems, I injured a knee and needed surgery, I had chest pain that turned out to be gastritis and reflux. It hasn't helped that I've gained weight. Then John died...and more problems - anxiety and panic, followed immediately by major surgery and a diagnosis of cancer and failure of neuropathy and lymphedema to resolve after the offending tumor and organ was removed. Nobody, though, has suggested that my physical issues have a psychiatric basis. In my 26 year career as a PT, I saw a few cases that were thought to be psychogenic, but they also were unusual presentations such as a woman who could crawl and climb to and from the floor using patterns that required complex movements, but couldn't walk. No matter what the cause - physical (even without definitive tests to prove it) or psychogenic - the symptoms are very real to the individual that is experiencing them. I might suggest that seeing a psychiatrist might be helpful no matter if the symptoms are physical or not. You've had a lot of stress and you deserve to have your mental health treated along with your physical health. Hugs, Maureen

Trying, You bore those children because they were wanted. You couldn't have known that they would become ill. Of course, you didn't want them to suffer, but genetics and nature are beyond your control. Still, as a non-parent, I can't know what this feels like in your shoes. I know that my first in-laws struggled their entire lives knowing that each gave my husband a bad gene that lead to his SMA. There wasn't even any history in the family. They couldn't have known, yet the feelings of guilt remained. Obviously, they are valid feelings, and any attempt to say that you shouldn't feel this way might only lead to you feeling invalidated. You feel this. You are heartbroken. You deserve support and hugs right about now. I wish I had more for you... Maureen

Trying, I'm so sorry you are facing all of this angst. I wish I had a magic wand, really. You, your husband and your boys have been through enough. Maybe if we all shout out "UNCLE!" Overall, I think the only answer is just one bite at a time...how we eat this damned elephant. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Jen. I've been on the road, too, sometimes just wishing he was there...all the places I've been and plan to visit that he would have just loved. I think, though, that filling time with things like travel that can give us moments of feeling good...these can be good for us across the board. Somehow, we have to find a way to make the days worth living. I hear you, loud and clear. Maureen

Heading home today for a mid-road trip intermission. I need to go through my mail, pay some bills, catch up with a few local supporters and gear up for the next 4 weeks. I'm in my usual funk that I find myself in every time I go back home after being away. He is supposed to be here, damn it! I'm hiding most of my angst from my niece (who is currently in the shower and behind schedule for getting on the road this morning!). I hope not to have a big breakdown when I get home. Maureen

Hugs! Sometimes, it just sucks. Maureen.

Ah, yes. I'm used to this. I guess on some level, I am strong. I just don't tend to show the depth of my weakness. Even my anxiety isn't obvious to most people. I am more stubborn than strong, I think. I can't let this beat me. Then it would win. Hugs, MB. You have a lot on your plate and sometimes it would be nice not to have to be so darned "strong". Maureen

Spent the day in the Badlands and the Black Hills of South Dakota. Drove through some beautiful scenery. Most of what went through my head - John should be here! I got teary several times but hid most of it from my niece. She is doing well, reading maps, choosing hotels, getting interested in the places we are going. She has been really good meeting people (such as a retired nun John and I met on our trips to Peru.). We are heading to Kansas for a couple of days after one more day here tomorrow. Then off to the desert Southwest. Still, though, wishing that my nightmare would end and my polarbear would just come back. We had so much life left to live together. Sigh. Maureen

Sometimes it comes down to just deciding to stop following a thread or not even opening a thread on a subject that one doesn't want to read about. I do that depending on how I'm feeling on any particular day. I imagine that some people choose not to follow threads that I start. Some people find that the only place they feel safe to talk about some subjects is with people who might understand their perspective based on having been widowed. We all need a little tolerance for our widowed brothers and sisters. Maureen

It was lovely to see whiteirony again, and this time, to meet her wonderful young children and her fianc?, "Uncle Eric". The relationship between Uncle Eric and her children is just beautiful. I'm so happy for them! Rosie even had a playmate in their dog Marley and I think Rosie corrupted Marley by teaching her how to play in mud puddles! Such nice and relaxed hospitality! Today is scheduled as a long drive after we stop and see a retired nun that John and I met at a Catholic mission - on trips to Peru with university students. John and I always admired the work of justice that Sister Peggy dedicated her life to for the poorest of the poor in the desert coastal city of Chimbote. Now...to wake up my sleeping niece... Maureen

Hmmm. I might be....with my 14 year old niece. I just don't know my time table yet. Maureen

Tonight I get to see whiteirony and her brood! :D :D :D Maureen

I had to pay for continued coverage after my husband died as well, and I ended up having medical problems, major surgery and a cancer diagnosis within weeks of his death. If you can swing it, pay the COBRA month-to-month until you can look into other options. Hugs...I'm so sorry you are facing these challenges! Maureen

mikeeh, I know I got to BAG with my first husband by 18 months out. I'm just a couple weeks shy of 18 months out for my second husband and I'm by no means BAG now. I don't think that one can put a specific timeline on it. My life feels lonely, even when it is full of wonderful people. I'm lonely because the person with whom I had the one truly intimate relationship in my life - is no longer here. I long for him. I hope for time to soften my pain and that it will allow me to be open to that kind of intimacy again. In the mean time, I cultivate friendships, I learn new things, I study, I prepare to support myself again, I pass time with travel and friends and I still mourn and grieve. I hope some day to be BAG again, even if that means I am further from the life I had that was so happy. I'm not sure which combination of factors brings you to this point now, but I know how much you miss your wife and your old life...the time when you felt most loved. I wonder if it is more difficult for introverts? Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, hachi. I understand not missing him any less. Maureen

Well, I made a call to MIL this morning and she was in a decent mood. I stopped by and actually took her out to lunch. She has been unwell since January, hospitalized twice and in the ER 4 times, but seems to be doing better. I don't think she truly understands what is wrong, but I think she has congestive heart failure and she has had some bad reactions to medications. Her home, which has always been in some disarray, was worse than I'd ever seen it. She isn't able to mow her lawn and do other yard work either. She has had macular degeneration for many years and her license expired and her eye doctor won't sign for her to drive anymore. She remains quite stubborn and resents her only remaining son's attempts to help her manage (he lives in Alaska). She cancelled a service that calls her daily and only allows meals on wheels to deliver to her one day a week. She honestly didn't look bad (for her) but I'm glad she is no longer my responsibility. She complained a bout a myriad of things during the visit, but she didn't say anything nasty to me or about me! Dutiful DIL has managed to squeak this one by. Now in Minnesota...heading toward the Dakotas...or at least South Dakota. Maureen

I know of your sincerity. I was also someone who was a daily cemetery visitor. At 6 months out, I made the connection with the man who would become my second husband. I would still go to the cemetery and "talk to him" about what was happening to me. It was all quite unexpected for me. I hope you can feel like you can continue to honor her by living your life as it unfolds before you. July 4th isn't far away. You may find yourself feeling the grief as the day approaches. It might be wise to wait to have your first date after the 4th. If the connection is there and can progress, it can survive a short wait. Best wishes to you, Mark! Maureen