Wheelerswife

My brilliant, college professor, Arctic climatologist husband was very unmotivated at the end of high school. He was unfocused, scrambled and aimless. He lost his driver's license for accidents without insurance and worked miserable jobs, including joining a carnival as a carnie. At about age 20, he started getting his act together, but it took him 6 years to get his bachelor's degree. He eventually went on to get his masters, worked a few years and then got his PhD. He was an awesome teacher and researcher and an amazing husband. I guess this all means...don't judge a kid's potential by their attitude at age 18. Still, not being a parent, I don't truly understand your angst over this and I don't want to give any impression that coping is easy. Your heart must be breaking over her struggles. Hugs, Maureen

maddalena, I always missed my first husband, and my second husband always missed his late wife. That was okay with us. Right now, my grief is much more acute for my second husband, practically overshadowing the grief for my first husband. Still, I miss them both. I don't think you are crazy. Maureen

Charlie, welcome to the board. I hope you continue to find that you can post here and become a part of this family. I find that widow connections are a big part of my support system. I can't do it alone either. It was friends from this board (and a previous board) that were with me the day that my second husband died. It was so comforting to be amongst friends who understood. If it is your inclination, find a gathering near where you live (or travel to one!) and make some friends in person, too. Maureen

I, too, am a traveler. When there isn't enough to keep me occupied...like deadlines...I get very antsy. My experience of returning home is much like that of TooSoon. Coming back home is very hard...every single time I go away. I got quite anxious last summer before I even made it home from my road trip. Guaruj?, I wish you peace as you travel. Maureen

I've been in contact with Tracey and she is in a safe place right now. Tonight's meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow. Tracey asked me to let you all know she appreciates all of the positive thoughts for her. She still needs strength to get through the coming days. Maureen

Tracey...I love you, my friend. Big hugs...and be safe. Maureen

Jess...I still have mine from my first wedding, and I never planned to have kids. For my second wedding in Hawaii, I wore a Hawaiian dress and John wore a matching shirt. I've got them put away, too. It's the memories I can't seem to part with. Maybe some day, I'll be able to let go of them. Donating the dress sounds like a lovely idea, especially to an organization who will see that it gets to someone who can't afford to have a nice dress. Maureen

I suppose we all have our drug or drugs of choice for coping with our losses. Since John died 16+ months ago, tearing my heart out of my chest, I've coped mostly with school and travel. I don't know how I would have maintained any ability to focus if it were not for university classes that I went back to just a week and a half after John died. But breaks from school leave me with too much time on my hands for ruminating, which hasn't felt particularly helpful. So...I resort to traveling. Last summer I spent many weeks on the road on a 25 state 7500 mile road trip. This summer is probably my last summer to have the freedom to travel again. Next summer I'll need to be working an internship and eventually I will finish my master's and I'll have to get a real job and start supporting myself fully again. Tomorrow, I will hit the road from the center of the country heading east. This trip will be different from last year in that I will head to the east coast, where my parents, siblings, first in-laws and my "home" widow crew live, but then in a couple of weeks, I am picking up my 14-year old niece and we will head west. We will venture into places we've never been and try to see national parks and the beauty the geography has to offer. I'll catch some widow friends along the way, but this trip will be more about places than people, and the opportunity to spend time with my niece. Last year, I had my trip planned down, sometimes to the day and hour. This trip will be more open ended. I also plan to inter half of my second husband's ashes along side his late wife...on a bluff over the beach in far northern California. I was last there with him about 2 1/2 weeks before he suddenly died...and we talked about how lovely the setting was that he chose for her...and that some day, half of him would be there, too. It will be about 18 months since he died that I finally get his ashes there, but I'm going to do it. I'll be checking in frequently here...as I've done for over 5 1/2 years. Looking forward to seeing some good folks along the way. Maureen

I will be traveling this summer (with my 14 year-old niece) and hope to be crossing the border into Vancouver. I don't yet have my exact itinerary, but I am working around the date of Thursday, July 23rd to be in far northern California to inter half of my husband's ashes next to his late wife. If anyone was interested in summer...perhaps the weekend before (July 18th or 19th) I might be able to make something work. Maureen

I saw it all. I agree that flaming wasn't necessary. Still, why delete it all? I know a lot of people felt like YWBB deleted our history, some of us before we were able to copy our posts. Its not all about the OP. Maureen

Still, Lisa, the dialogue could have remained, even if the OP wanted her own information deleted. People put time and thought into replying. I think that this is the point. The OP can choose to delete her posts, but the thoughtful posts of other members were deleted. I didn't respond myself, but I would have been very frustrated if one of my posts had been eliminated after I had put my own time and energy into making a constructive point on the issue. Maureen

Unfortunately, I relived the last weeks of my first husbands life in full technicolor as the days came toward the first anniversary. I also relived very difficult times on our wedding anniversary, as we had spent our last 2 anniversaries with him in critical condition in ICU. I guess the better news is that the excruciating details faded more as time went on. Now, I can still remember what happened, but it doesn't haunt me like it did in the first couple of years. Hugs...I know how hard it can be. Maureen

Hang in there, Kim. Maureen

I'm right with you there, too. Missing him big time. I'm sitting at my computer...and when I was sitting here studying, he used to come in and plant a nice soft kiss on my neck, too. I miss him holding me and kissing my neck while I fell asleep. I miss...well, I could be here all day listing...as I suppose many of us could be... I miss my polarbear. :'( Maureen

Air conditioning. Without it, the humidity is awful. Sleeping when it is hot...in a T-shirt, or in the buff? Maureen

Fantastic experience. I need to get her number! Maureen

I'm sorry for the loss of your neighbor - for his wife and children also. We truly know how fragile life is... Maureen

My scans all look good. 15 months with no evidence of disease. I return for more fun in 4 months, rather than 3. Maureen

She couldn't have been over 30. I sat next to her at the bar in the hotel here in (flooded) Houston, having gotten back rather late from my cancer tests. I needed something to eat, since I'd been fasting for hours. Some people - that I came to realize were her parents - walked in and hugged her and she started crying. Its pretty typical in this environment of cancer treatment for people to ask each other about their cancer and treatment. So...I asked her if she got bad news today. She told me that after fighting cancer for 15 months, her husband had died earlier today. I reached out and hugged her and told her that I understood...that I was widowed, too. I didn't have much time, but I offered her a bit of advice...to find other young widows for support. I had my laptop at the bar and I opened it up to this page to show her I was real. Her mother thanked me for consoling her daughter (or trying to). Maybe she will join us here. Cancer just plain sucks. Maureen

Good for you, Jess! Hugs, Maureen

HB, Hugs to you...for confronting your challenges with your marriage and ADD. I'm certainly no expert on this, but as you probably know, I have had my share of anxiety since John died. Personally, I've used some medication (can't take others due to side effects) and I have a counselor with experience in grief. I also have my dog...the best therapist I've ever had! I have a feeling that some type of therapy might be necessary. Maybe some others will have other ideas for you. I think you've got the first step identified, though...you recognize that there is an underlying problem. Maureen

At 16 1/2 months out, I am still wearing my second wedding ring on my right hand. I moved it several months ago...I'm not even sure how long ago it was. I moved my rings from my first husband at about 3 1/2 months and took them off completely at about 5 months out. I just re-learn with every day that each of us has our own timetable with each loss. I remarried 18 months after my first husband died and I'm no where near that point after losing my second husband. Just be okay with your own time table. Hugs, Maureen

Is she receiving treatment/medication/counseling? Would you consider some couples' counseling to talk about your concerns? I have a friend that is prone to depression and has been hospitalized in the past, but she has a great relationship with her husband. At the same time, I know it can be very scary for her husband as he wonders if and when she might decompensate again. I wish you the best! Maureen

It's those little things, isn't it? I struggle to go through the areas of the house that were primarily used by John. Hugs, JeanGenie. Maybe it is beach time again? Maureen

SVS, I'm happy to hear that your recovery is going so well. It just isn't right, though, that the man who caused your traumas (including those of your daughter) isn't being held to more meaningful restitution. I certainly don't understand the laws surrounding drunk driving or injury crashes stemming from driving under the influence. It would seem that he should be subjected to some discipline for causing the mental and physical havoc on your lives. It seems he isn't too remorseful, eh? I hope that he will take some time to reflect and come to a better understanding of the impact of his action. Hugs, Maureen PS...I hope to see you at the British Invasion bago!