Wheelerswife

Hi, Mokie! Rosie and I are coming in! Is Budger around? We need more animals. I'll stick to water with lime right now...I have to get a paper written this evening. And Bo better not knock my water over on my keyboard as I'm typing!

I was chatting with a widower friend today and we were talking topics such as direction, wandering and growth. For me, school gives me my major direction in life right now. My friend then said, "It's good to have a good dock to tie the ship to." Brilliant metaphor for the moment, I thought. My ship tosses a lot, as I'm sure other people's ships do as well. I wish the waters were more calm and I could venture out with my ship more, but sometimes, when the waves are too big, it is best to stay tethered to the dock. So...what is the dock that you tie your ship to? When you take your ship out of the harbor, where do you venture? Maureen

There are no stupid questions. There are no worries that questions were asked once before...or 30 times before. We have all been there. Ask away, vent, grapple to make sense of this world you find yourself living in. One thing I know...if you have the question, someone else is bound to have it, too, and might not find the word to type it out. We find ourselves in what others have to say, too. Maureen

I just looked back at your prior posts and saw a word that rang true with me: Anger. I spent the first months after my husband's death angry, too. I think it shields the sadness for awhile. Maureen

I don't think this is any indication of your love for her or the degree to which you grieve. We all have differing reactions. I was with a bunch of people who are on this site when my second husband died and right now, I'd have to ask them if I cried in the first few days, because I don't remember if I did. I didn't cry during his memorial service - that I do remember. Shock, logistical things that need to be done, children to look after, our own personalities and expressiveness...they can all impact whether we feel or openly express the complex emotions that are present when a spouse dies. I would just say that you should accept your own reaction as yours. You don't need to justify it to anyone at this point. If you feel bothered by it, perhaps you can consult with a grief counselor. Hugs, Maureen

Creamy with garlic. Gravy on potatoes, or butter/sour cream?

It is sometimes so unimaginable that they are gone. Circumstances are different for each death, too. My first husband died after a protracted decline and his death was not unexpected, but still sudden. I once said on YWBB that I was prepared for my husband to die, but not prepared for him to be dead. I had really deep sadness after he died, but reached a point of wanting to think about the future sooner than a lot of people seem to be able to do that. I met a wonderful widower, eventually married and planned to live that future I'd always wanted with him. Then, just a few short years after we met, he died unexpectedly. This was 14 1/2 months ago. I was completely crushed. I already knew what it was like to lose a spouse, but you know, this was entirely different. I didn't have to ask many questions about such things as funerals. I already knew that there might be family drama. I was aware that my friends might disappear. But the inner experience of loss was very different. In many ways it was harder. It still is harder. I already had a ready-made widow support system. I didn't need to find YWBB or this board, because I already had it. But still, it is harder. But I know I am going to get through this. As devastated as I feel on some days, I know that there will be better days, sometimes punctuated by days or strings of days that are very low. But I trust, from my own experience and that of many others that I know, that I will survive this hell. I don't know what that future looks like. I didn't know what my life after losing my first husband would look like. Right now, I'm in the phase of living day-by-day, letting time do some of it's job, trying to focus on school work so that I can have a different future. After my first husband died, I continued to go to work, doing much the same...bringing home a paycheck, letting time pass until I figured out what might come next. The point of all of this? I guess it is just that sometimes we just live one day at a time, dealing with what faces us in the moment, and at some point, we come to the realization that we have survived the hell and our lives continue and we make changes as we are able...and we learn to live in spite of the sadness. Hugs, Maureen

BillsKim, I know there is a widows/widowers meetup in Santa Cruz...or maybe San Jose? I haven't been, but a friend of mine used to go. I'm not sure the age range, but he was in his 50's. Maureen

I don't forget ice cream. Everything else...maybe. Maureen

I don't disagree with you here. I don't follow any specific widow sites, but on some level, if someone finds something that works for them and for some others, I have no issue with sharing that enthusiasm with others. I'm not religious, for instance, but if some people want to start a prayer group for believers...and it helps those people...I'm not going to object. If they say that praying to the Almighty Mountain Top is the ONLY way to heal from loss and they guilt others into joining in, lest they are left behind...then, I have a problem. And if you have to PAY to pray to the Almighty Mountain Top, yeah, I have a problem with that, too. Maureen

I think sometimes we have double standards. How many of us have been to counselors or grief groups led buy facilitators who haven't been widowed like us, and we wonder why we have this sense of not being understood? I believe some of us may have a "calling" of sorts to move into a profession that caters to those who are bereaved. If they can do this and do it well, there may be no harm anywhere. I'm not inclined to want to go to Camp Widow myself. I've not gotten much out of grief groups that have topics and agendas for meetings, but some people might find those kinds of things helpful. I know that this topic bothers some more than others. PM me, anyone, if I'm just too ignorant to see what you have seen. I may need my eyeglasses replaced. Maureen

I left a lucrative 26 year career 9 months after my first husband died. My second husband completely supported the idea of "retiring" and thinking about a second career. I went back to school, got a second Bachelor's degree and now I am in a Master's program in Higher Education Student Affairs. I won't finish this degree until December of 2016. By then, it will be about 6 1/2 years since I was substantially employed. That part is scaring me a bit, but in the mean time, I do work as a graduate assistant and I will also have practicums before I graduate and I'm acclimating to being back in a work environment. It is scary to leave what you know, it is scary to start something new, but it was something I just felt compelled to do. Maureen

Ah...travel. My drug of choice. I traveled mostly locally after my first husband died and then a ton, both in the US and abroad in the few years John and I had together. After John died, my first trip was to the east coast to hang with a wid friend and her daughter and go to a Peeps store. (I was only a few weeks post major surgery and wasn't running too quickly!) Then I had the first of several trips to good old Houston, Texas. I get to go there every three months! What a treat! Last summer, I embarked on a 25 state road trip and saw lots of wids as well as family and some old friends from past lives as well. Over the winter break, I drove east again, got training with my dog, and had the pleasure of visiting wid friends again (as well as dredging through Christmas with my parents.) This summer, I will hit the road again. I plan to pick up my 14-year old niece in New York State and then travel west, hitting as many western states and national parks as we can. I don't know many folks in that direction, though. Maureen

I guess my only thing I might say is you can never undo seeing what you see. I chose to see my husband's body three days after he died. I was told he didn't look good, but I wanted to see him anyway. If you do ask to see photos, please have someone prepare you for what you might see. It definitely helped me to know what to expect. (My husband wasn't found for many hours after his death and he died in his sleep somewhat face-down.) Think about all of the consequences of your decision. Hugs, Maureen

I have no experience with this at all, but I can feel your pain and wanted to send you hugs, D. Maureen

I should...I stripped ancient wallpaper off the kitchen walls and removed contact paper from the cabinet shelves that was just as old - in the days before John died. It was supposed to be just a face-lift for the kitchen until we saved up money to gut the entire kitchen. Well, 14+ months later, I still have bare plaster walls in my kitchen. Sigh. Maureen

Ummm..have you tried those Magnum ice cream bars...double caramel? Hands down, the best on the market! Overcast skies and drizzly all day or gushing downpours for a couple hours? Maureen

I realize that we are not the only ones who grieve when our spouses die. We have to respect the grief of others, too. BUT...remember - YOU are his wife. What was his is now yours, unless he explicitly wanted things to go to someone else. If you aren't comfortable giving things to his family, keep them until you decide you can part with them. Photographs can be copied. We had my second husband's memorial service at the university where he taught. Alongside the room for the memorial, we set up a gallery of things that represented my husband, from his diplomas and awards to books he loved to his guitars and even his handball gloves. All of it remains in my possession...for now. If you can't trust his family members with things you might give them for his second memorial, then keep them yourself. Some day, you might feel more comfortable giving them away. It seems that his parents might have their heads and hearts in a better place and hopefully you can keep the lines of communication open with them. It can be really difficult for grieving people to express their thoughts and ideas tactfully. His sister probably doesn't understand what it feels like for you to let go of things, and you might not be able to understand her need to have what she wants, either. Hugs to you, Maureen

It's the "Is this really my life" feeling. Its the "I'm alone and I hate being alone" feeling. Its the "Is there really any purpose in my life?" feeling. It's the "What am I doing that seems to push people away?" feeling. Its the "I don't want to be sad for the rest of my life" feeling. Maybe that is some of it? Maureen

When I moved out of the house I had with my first husband, I consolidated things that were "his". I let go of a lot. I also let go of a lot of my own property. My second husband also let go of a lot...things that belonged to his late wife, things of his own. We were moving toward a simpler lifestyle across the board. I kept a few things belonging to my first husband in my office. John had reminders of his late wife in his shop/office. I moved into the house that they shared. I came to integrate many things that were "theirs" into the mindframe that they were now "ours". Since John died, much of the house has remained the same, but I feel freer to to let go of things that really aren't "mine." Most of the things that belonged to Barry or Cheryl ended up stored in boxes and bins in the basement. We both felt the need to hold onto things, but not necessarily to keep them in our living space. Maybe it helps that the house is only about 800 square feet, not including basement space. We pretty much put stuff away, occasionally in some private moments we ventured a peek at things, but for the most part, we lived in the present. I'm not sure if this gives you any answers. Maureen

OSAAT, what a dilemma! Travel is my drug of choice and I like both flying and road trips! (Uh oh! dougal is going to get me for this...but is he here?) Modification...however you get there...east coast or west coast? Maureen

Thank you everyone. This is my favorite wedding photo. Maureen

Okay, Mokie...that was funny. I needed a laugh today. Maureen

I need to live closer to DonnaP! Maureen

I think that we need to be gentle with ourselves. (Ann E always says this!) We did the best we could with the information we had. My first husband began his descent into hell about 16 months before he actually died. He crashed on me at home. I had finally put my foot down and told him I was taking him to the hospital because he was too sick and I couldn't do it myself. I tried my best to treat him like the adult he was and let him make these decisions for himself. I waited a little too long, in hindsight, to over-rule him. Obviously, if I had know he was THAT close to plugging off a lung, I would have put my foot down sooner. Suddenly, instead of me taking him to the hospital, it was a frantic 911 call. You did the best you could do under the circumstances. He was an adult making his own decisions, too. Sometimes, we just have to accept that reality. Hugs, Maureen