Wheelerswife

For the last 24 hours, I've been staying with John's most enduring and dearest friends. They knew him since he was about 20 and entering college and those tumultuous years and they've known him through 3 marriages. They know I was the best thing that ever happened to him. They are probably the one best connection I have to my husband - people who knew the real person inside and not just the professor or researcher or other aspects that some people knew. I slept last night in the room we always shared when we stayed here, where we would quietly make love and talk about the love and acceptance in this house...how we could fully be at home here. Yesterday, I drove past his home city of Milwaukee. We were last here about 2 weeks before his sudden death. We had toured the city and stopped in various specialty shops...like a store that sold only ink pens. John bought a $175 pen...because he wanted something of good quality, and he wanted to stop being a part of the throw-away society that we have. Buy quality...and keep it and use it well. He was so conscientious about so many things...is that just one thing I miss most? Damn. There are so many, and being here is just kicking up memories for me. Xanax is a good thing....because my anxiety gets kicked up when I think of all I have lost with his death. Maureen

Well, I'm into phase 2 of the road trip. Yesterday, my niece and I set out from Central New York and made it all the way past Chicago. We are just inside the Wisconsin line, heading today to visit some dear friends who knew John through 3 wives. (Yeah, I was #3!) I love these people, who stuck with him through thick and thin and were such a presence in our lives even from a distance. They knew John through and through and also loved the transformation they saw in him with me. My dilemma for today...do I call my MIL and stop to visit her tomorrow? She lives directly in my path of travel. She harbors bitterness toward me...for stealing her son's heart and then not looking after his health. Yeah...she blames me for his death. I haven't spoken to her since the anniversary of his death in January, when she unleashed that tirade on me. I'll ponder it a bit and make a decision later today, I guess. Off we go! Maureen

UGH, Trying! Nope, didn't need that, eh? Sorry to have missed you when I was back east. (I'm now north of Chicago!) Maureen

Ah, biscuit, you are NOT a money hogger! You are young and still in school and you have to look out for your own needs right now. They WANT a bench. You NEED some financial stability! It seems that they haven't learned to live within their means if they are wanting to purchase something like this that they can't afford. Perhaps you can tell them that in the future, once your career is stable, you will consider this purchase, as you know it is important to them. You are a smart cookie. Don't let them pressure you into this right now! I appreciate that his family is dear to you, and I'll bet that you have the words to give them this message in a gentle and caring way, acknowledging the loss of their all-too-young son, knowing they will probably live for decades thinking of their dear son who died long before his time. Hugs, Maureen

I wish I could walk more closely with you, my friend, but my niece has been anticipating our road trip since I "gave" it to her as her Christmas present. I saw your exhaustion, but I also saw your resolve. You've managed to make the most difficult decisions and made what seemed like impossible moves - and you know there is no turning back, only moving forward. This is another death, the death to what you thought was going to be hope for future happiness. He should have treated you like the beautiful gift that you are....but instead he hurt you (and your son) repeatedly. Now...it is time to reclaim yourself. I resolve to remain with you, even if it is from a distance. The next time I see you...hopefully in the fall, you will have had some time to get resettled. Remember that there is hope out there. I'm not sure I have that down yet myself, but hope comes from knowing that there are people out there willing to walk with us through unbearable pain. We've walked this road together for over 5 1/2 years. We will keep walking the road that for both of us has had more heartache than we think we can handle...but we have handled it, and we will continue to handle it. You deserve only love and kindness, not to be controlled and abused. I love you, my friend! Maureen

Rosie thoroughly enjoyed the day. It was her first big event in regular dog mode...well, except that Mommy tried to stop her at every turn when she tried to sneak snacks that had fallen on the ground. Thanks to TooSoon's daughter for taking such good care of her and making sure she got frequent walks and a chance to chase a ball and chew up some sticks. Ah...and then there was the brief stint on the slip-and-slide. Rosie extends invitations to one and all to make the trek to beautiful western Kansas where she's be happy to show you all her home and the local dog park (a wonderful plot of grass with a 6 foot fence....what else would you expect out on the nearly treeless prairie?) Until our next trek east....love and licks to all! Rosie (and Mommy)

Hugs, Jess. This road is hard, even when there are bright spots in our lives. You've had a lot of change. Change is hard and stressful, even the parts that are "positive". Keep on hanging on! Maureen

3000 miles in. Last east coast stop today at the British Invasion bago. Over the last week or so I've been able to spend time with several east coast wid friends. Today I met a few more, as well as many wid kids. Rosie had a fun day, too....lots of kids (big and little) to give her attention on a day off from working. I am always honored to meet new wids and have them share their stories with me. Most of today's crowd I had met before, but new folks were inducted into the clan today and they are awesome people. Tomorrow, I pick up my niece and start the next leg of this summer journey. I hope to experience the awesomeness of our country and find more gumption to keep on keeping on. Indiana, Wisconsin, South Dakoka....next destinations on the road. Maureen

You are expecting a lot of yourself! Don't be afraid to just let yourself grieve. And you certainly don't need to be taking care of anyone else old enough to be on their own! I don't even think I would have been able to use any resources give to me this early in the process. Some people become voracious readers and there are a lot of books on grief. You have people here. Ask questions. Go into the chat room or even just ask if someone is available to go there and chat with you. Sometimes, we need to do the uncomfortable job of asking people directly for what we want and need. I found this particularly helpful after my second husband died. I asked people to stop by and visit me. Once I gave them permission to stumble over their words with me, we truly had some great conversations. I got them to talk about my husband and tell me things that I didn't know. As old member Ann E would say, be gentle with yourself. Hugs, Maureen

I spent much of this afternoon and evening with SimiRed. Fortunately, her parents are now here for support. Many things have come together and tomorrow will be an important and risky time as SimiRed, her parents and a couple of friends pack/move her property from the house and into a POD. SimiRed's husband continues to persist in trying to talk her into staying (which has no chance of working) but this is wearing on her. Family isn't allowing him to be alone with her. I think everyone (but her husband) recognizes the risks at this point. I had a chance to spend some time with her son as well. He is quite articulate about the situation and seems resilient. This is an incredibly difficult undertaking, but SimiRed is doing what she needs to do to get out of what has become an unbearable situation. I admire her strength and resolve to end this chapter so that she and her son can heal and begin a new life....again. Maureen

I am soooo proud of you, my friend and I can't wait to see you tomorrow! Big hugs coming! Maureen

I have the chocolate in my possession! All is well. Maureen

I'm sorry you had to join us...unfortunately, you do belong. I hope you find that people here really understand what you are going through. At this point, you are still in shock and trying to wrap your head around this reality. The best advice right now...drink plenty of water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, take any help from anyone who offers. Don't let anyone push you into decisions you aren't ready to make. Come here, read what wisdom is here, ask anything you would like, vent away. Hugs, Maureen

I can vouch for the mac and cheese muffins.... And....I'm going to meet the chocolatier tonight! Maureen

Hugs to you, Hunter. You will remember her....you will. Maureen

Rosie is my 2 year old black lab service dog. She has saved me from the edge of the panic/anxiety cliff. She is calm and intuitive and the most adaptable dog I've ever known. She hasn't needed to work that much since I've been on the road (and especially since I left my parents' home 5 days ago.) She calms my palpitating heart when I get anxious and she wakes me from nightmares. She travels really well and tolerates a lot of people and critters, even cats that aren't pleased by her presence. We get to go visit her trainers in a couple of days. They will be pleased with her. I certainly am! Maureen

2300+ miles into the trip. Hanging out in Connecticut. Staying with a wid friend, hoping to catch a bunch of folks while I'm in the area. Drop me a line if you have the time to see me this week! Not used to the humidity, but with air conditioning, I've been getting some much needed sleep. I've spend some time with MIL 1 (meh...) and got my hair done by my old hairdresser. (Yay!) Today would have been my 23rd anniversary with my first husband, the 6th anniversary without him. I went to the cemetery 2 days ago. Sadly, we spent our last 2 anniversaries with him critically ill in ICU and it is those memories and the sense of fear that rise most strongly. I'm missing John, too. Fortunately, I can talk about him amongst wid friends. Bago in PA next weekend, then off on the adventure part of the trip with my niece! Maureen

Hi, Tricia. I know that some people have found year 2 harder, but that hasn't been my experience. I lost my first husband almost 6 years ago and my second husband 17 months ago. In both cases, I found year 2 more bearable. I'm still feeling the loss of my second husband fairly significantly and I've learned through two losses of my own that they are different. I know I can have times that I feel some level of happiness. Today, for instance, I spent a couple hours hanging with another widow and our dogs and I enjoyed that. I plan to make the most of this summer with my second annual summer road trip criss-crossing the US. I need to do what I need to do to keep myself looking forward and not looking into the pit. I'm not sure how I would have gotten this far without good people in my life. Best wishes to you. I hope things look up for you in year 2. Maureen

1700 miles into the road trip. I'm on the Canadian border of New York and Vermont, visiting my folks and dodging roadblocks set up to try to catch two dangerous maximum security inmates who escaped the nearby prison this morning. On the NY side, just a half mile or so from the border. I will be here a few days before heading to Maine to see my sister and hopefully TFO. Wish me patience with my father... Maureen.

My career wasn't destroyed, but I left a career of 26 years after my first husband died. That was about 5 years ago. I went back to school, but didn't have my new career figured out yet when my second husband died. I will finish a master's degree in a year and a half and then begin the search for a new job in a new career. Best of luck to you. I actually like school and it keeps me focused...forward focused. Maureen

Tracey, my friend, I am so incredibly proud of you for taking these very difficult steps. You and I go back a long time. I can still recall the day I got off a plane in North Carolina when we were 5 months out and we spent three solid days (or was it 4) talking. I fell in love with your son, too. C had been pursing you for months by that point, even though you asked him to stop. But he was so kind and he cared so deeply....and he said all the right things. Fast forward....I've met C, I've seen C "light" in person. The real C is much more visible now. You tried to make this work. You tried to learn to communicate with the real C. You realize it is only destroying you and your son. You've made your decision. I know you are strong in it. You have been betrayed. But you are taking your own life back. You have this entire board of people supporting you. I'm glad you came here because now you know that all of these people care. Big hugs, my friend! Love, Maureen

It was a good day on the road today...not too much driving, but breakfast with Photojunkie and dinner with swilson. It was such an honor to spend time with you two. Thanks to both of you for sharing stories and listening to mine! Hugs, Maureen

Hey, TooSoon! Quit talking about me like that! Maureen ;D

Hugs to you, Ginger...and hopefully hugs IRL soon. I'm glad you still remember him. I want to be remembering my guys at 12 years out, too. Maureen

Just a quick update. The meeting was brief and to the point. The words have been said. SimiRed still needs our strength to boost her stamina to extricate herself from this situation. It has been very emotionally taxing for her. Maureen