Wheelerswife

I number my MIL’s. I only keep in contact with MIL #1. Maureen

I’m grateful that my friends are willing to listen to me whine sometimes! (I’m tired of whining, too!) Maureen

Hi, Jon. I’m sorry for your loss, but I am glad you found us. ALS is a tough disease to have to cope with as the patient and the caregiver. If your wife didn’t have it that long, then you probably didn’t have as much time to prepare yourself for what was coming. My first husband had a genetic disease that affects the same nerve cells as ALS. We had a lifetime to prepare for his death, but my realization after he died was that being prepared for him to die is very different from being prepared for him to be dead. The sadness was overwhelming and my life became very empty. Sometimes, I think we just have to do whatever is necessary to get through time. Sometimes, that will be hiking or traveling or retail therapy or burying ourselves in work. But no matter what, the loss is still there and grief will come back to your consciousness pretty regularly. For now, just do what feels right and time will soften the pain somewhat. I have found it most helpful to find others who have walked a similar path. We get each other. Hugs, Maureen

I did the wedding for 2 on the beach in Hawaii. We met a couple from Australia when we were there and asked them to be our witnesses. We were happy. Maureen

Ah! Thanks for the inquiry! My scans are clear with no evidence of recurrent cancer. I had a great chat with my oncologist...love her...she has been with me this whole journey of 3 years and 9 months, since right after my second husband died. We always talk about life and trying to live fully - and how challenging that can be sometimes when I have already been widowed twice and then sacked with a rare and aggressive cancer. There is no explanation as to why this cancer has not returned, especially since I refused chemotherapy. In my early days, I just wanted the cancer to take me out of my misery. It looks like I may be one of the few fortunate souls that don't get a recurrence of this blasted disease (leiomyosarcoma). I'm glad to get my follow-up at a place where they know how to pronounce the disease and how to treat if it comes to that point. Thanks again for asking. Maureen

I was pretty perfect. 😜 I never annoyed my husbands. Well, most of the time. Hubby #1 would probably say I wasn’t patient enough with him. He required detailed assistance at times and I wasn’t always as attentive as I could have been. Hubby #2 hated being watched. It made him self-conscious. But it was interesting to watch him... Thanks for a reason to think about my guys in a different way. Maureen

Hugs to you, riff, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I don’t have children, but I try to imagine how it might feel for someone who laments the loss of the experience that a late spouse might have had with his or her children, and also for widowed parents themselves for the loss of the joint experience of parenting. I wish Fal could see your kids’ growth, accomplishments, and the young people they have grown to be. Hats off to son #2 and his leadership that has developed through his hard work with the drum corps! Maureen

Hello all. I will be visiting Houston next week. I arrive on Wednesday, have medical tests on Thursday, see my oncologist on Friday, and I fly home early Saturday morning. My time is unscheduled on Wednesday and Thursday evenings and Friday afternoon and evening. I have an old friend in Houston and I will be in touch with her, but I thought I would check here to see if anyone here lives in Houston and would like to grab dinner one evening. I will be in my usual hotel in the hospital district and won’t have a car, but if someone wants to get together, we can figure it out easily. Maureen

Hi, Rob, Hugs to you on this sad anniversary. I know how much you miss Michelle and wish she was there to parent your girls with you. I know how dedicated and intentional you have been with guiding your girls through the years. Of course, like all of us, you lament the loss of your life partner as well. You and Michelle had a wonderful connection and that can't be replicated, and we revisit that on these dates, even if we are in a new relationship. Hugs to you. Maureen

Thank you for sharing a little piece of your love story. I believe they are important and I never tire of hearing them! Hugs, Maureen

Thank you for your post, Eileen. I can relate to much of this as it pertains to my first husband. The tapes are no longer in full technicolor. I have to intentionally pull them up. It has been 8 years. I have not gotten to this point yet with my second husband. He has been gone almost 4 years. It is good to know that things are going better for you and your children and that your financial situation is coming to some resolution. You have been resilient and persistent and there has to be some satisfaction knowing that it has paid off. Maureen

Welcome, vickik13, They stay with us, don’t they? I’m sure you have some wisdom to offer our board. Maureen

Sure. This might be the most honest option. But for manipulative individuals, one might consider other opinions.

Hi, Redcat. I just went back and read your post from May. It seems that your late husband’d family has not been as friendly or accepting as you might like. I don’t feel that you have any obligation to them to inform them of your plans or include them, either. Perhaps you can tell her that you don’t have extensive plans for your ceremony that would require assistance, and that chances are you will do something fairly spontaneously when the time comes. Maybe you can give her the impression you might elope. Then if she finds out after the fact that you had an intimate event for close family and friends, you can tell her that you waffled a bit and moved forward without much planning. Best wishes for you and your fiancé. Maureen

I'm sorry for your losses, RemysWife. I still have both of my parents, but my father, almost 91, is slowly failing. We have not had the best of relationships, either. I wish I had comforting words, but I can't seem to find any. Hugs, Maureen

Ah, no worries! I'm probably the worst thread hijacker! I would rather people would tell their stories. It is good to know that I'm not the only one coping with similar concerns. Maureen

Ummm...I have kind of taken off the last 7 years. I left my job and then decided to leave my profession 7 years ago when I moved to be with the man who became my second husband. We lived on his salary (it was weird not being self-supporting) and I eventually went back to college/university and we traveled quite a bit. And then he died. After that, I continued school and I have traveled a lot within the country during school breaks. I've taken a couple of cross-country excursions of 6 weeks or so, seeing national parks and visiting people I knew from my past. Travel is MY drug of choice. The freedom to move and the space to think calm my anxiety on some level. In the summer of 2014, I posted a little bit on the board about my plans and I got to crash with some board members along the way. Now, I am looking for work in a new profession - so far I have not found it - but I get in my car every couple of weeks and hit the road to visit people and to get some time alone. Traveling always helps me. I would have to be in a lot better physical shape to consider something like cycling, but if this is your go-to place, why not give it a try? Maureen

It looks like I keep coming back here today, so I might as well get off another post. I was a long term extreme caregiver. My first husband had a progressive genetic neurological disease. I knew a lot about his disease before I met him. I knew the prognosis and that he could face continued decline, respiratory illnesses and respiratory failure, and that death could come from any relatively mild illness that could easily escalate into dire circumstances. But I met him...and he was charming and personable and full of life and determined to make lemonade out of the lemons he possessed. We fell in love, decided to get married, bought a house, and my caregiving days began. My husband never walked and he used a power wheelchair for mobility. He was essentially dependent for everything that needed to happen until he was up and sitting in his chair. We addressed those needs by finishing off an apartment in our basement and hiring a morning caregiver who lived downstairs rent-free. I managed the much quicker evening routine and for the 18 years we were together, I woke every 2 hours or so at night to turn him when he woke up uncomfortable. I generally did not get any nights away from him, save an occasional overnight when a friend would stay with him. As the years passed and my husband's abilities declined, he gradually lost the ability to feed himself, drive his high tech adapted van (joystick controls) and an assortment of other fine motor tasks that had occupied him and given him satisfaction. (He worked in computers.) The less he could do, the more he was dependent on me for practical things like eating and transportation, but also for companionship. He gradually became more emotionally dependent as well. The last couple of years were the hardest, especially the last 16 months when his health was precarious, he had critical care hospitalizations, and he was ventilator dependent at night. As his abilities declined, I let go of more and more of what I enjoyed doing. I barely had time to read a few pages of a book before I had to put it down and help him with something. He survived on a fine balance point and was frequently in need of assistance to keep his unstable ship on course. When I wasn't at work, my life revolved around him. It was like I had an adult infant. Things continued to be rocky as far as his health was concerned, and eventually he suffered his final respiratory illness that led to his death. So how does this long story relate to now? Over the years we were together, I gradually gave up just about every past time that I had. After he died, I had some time to grieve, and then I met my second husband. We did all kinds of things together and there was always a lot of stimulation. When my second husband died, I was in school and continued for three more years studying. That kept me fairly occupied. I finished school, closed up my house and now I am searching for a job in my new field. But...I realize that I am just the most boring person on earth! I have no real hobbies because I gave them all up starting 25 years ago. I have no confidence to even try something new. At least when I had my house, I could putter around and take care of some necessary chores, but I don't even have that now. I know that if someone else came to me with this concern, I would probably be able to give them some suggestions to get started, but I can't seem to do that for myself, perhaps because I don't know if I would find the motivation to carry anything out. My name is Maureen - and I am a caregiver. Anyone else ant to join "Caregivers Anonymous?

I no longer have a joint account. I kept our joint checking account open for 3.5 years, mostly because I didn't want to deal with the automatic bill pays that were attached to the account. Oddly enough, I got an email today from the refuse pick-up company telling me they were still getting checks...on a closed account. I have found that sometimes it was easier to just try to deposit checks in my husbands' names than to tell the bank what I was trying to do. I'm not sure how legal that is...but for 100 bucks? I'd try it. Maureen

Thank you all for your responses. It feels good to know that people are, in fact, reading and responding to posts. Quixote, my friend, I don't mind being recognized for being strong by people who truly know me. I know how strong you are right now, too. And hugs back at you! I also believe that any relevant topic should be fair game here on the board. There was a time on the previous board (called YWBB for those who were not around then) where bringing up new relationships was felt to be insensitive to those who were more recently widowed. There is a difference, in my opinion, between flaunting a successful re-coupling or trolling for a hookup and discussing real-life challenges and successes with new relationships. There is a place for those discussions...and that place was created so that people would know what can of worms would be there if they click on one of those threads. Anyone remember the bistro thread? I think that people who started to post on that VERY long thread eventually became real-life friends. I can't think of a better outcome than finding friends through fun banter. If a certain subset of members enjoy sharing their dating stories or any other topic, so be it. I think they key that is missing is people in various time frames feeling comfortable writing about their experiences. Heck, I'm 8 and almost 4 years out and I know I need to get some things that ruminate in my head out on "paper". As for me, you all pretty much nailed it. I want to be working and building the next chapter of my life (chapter 13, maybe?) and I'm stuck sitting in chapter 12 and it is dragging on... Maureen

I have not been a fan of fall, either. My first husband died on the first day of fall, and he hated to be cold, so, in some ways, if he was going to die, at least he got to enjoy the warmth of the summer first. His birthday is also in November...the 9th one he has missed. Hang in there. Maureen

Tybec, I have silently read your posts about your mom and should have responded. I, too, was/am a caregiver by profession and within my first marriage. I’m now in a supportive role to my mother who is taking care of my 91 year old father. It is draining, eh? You have so much going on in your life and I’m not sure I could juggle all of it from the logistical side or the emotional side. Waiting for someone to die is exhausting and it can drain you to your core. I don’t know how alert your mother is and if it is even possible to have meaningful interactions at this point. But sitting with someone you love and knowing that person is dying is an act of love that can’t be truly appreciated by someone who hasn’t been there. I imagine it will take time to process another loss in your life and to turn your attention back to your relationship with NG. My second husband and I didn’t have children and only had to concern ourselves with blending each other’s lives. Assuming you don’t plan on more children, perhaps you can let your relationship simmer on low for a while and allow yourself to relook at things once you have had some time to grieve your mother. I can’t quite picture your current relationship, but perhaps you can consider letting him support you more in this transition with your mom? Do you need to do this alone, or are you simply unaccustomed to receiving support from others? That can be hard for us caretaker types, and I suspect that may be the case with you. Whatever the reality, my heart is with you as your mom slips away. Hugs, Maureen

I don’t know who you are or why you have the need to cut someone down when that person admits to a shortcoming and tries to confess in perhaps the only place where others understand, but I imagine this is precisely why members are reluctant to post on this board. Why the sharp tongue?? Maureen

Hi, Bambi. I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this. There is just no excuse for your stepson's physical attack on you. Can you get a restraining order? Have you told the police that he has taken property without permission? One thing that is hard for us sometimes is to recognize that other people grieve for the person who was our spouse. No matter how we look at things, other people look from their own perspective. I don't know how long you were with your husband or how old his son is, but I do know that others sometimes don't think as rationally as they could in circumstances like these. I don't know why your stepson would have rights to your marital home. That has to leave you in an uncomfortable position. Perhaps he was living with you? I was with my second husband less than 4 years and married less than 3. He was about the same age as your husband when he died. My BIL seemed to have the idea that he was going to get something in his brother's will. But my husband left everything to me and I was the executor of his will. It took me 3.5 years before I parted with a lot of my husband's personal property, but I assured my BIL that he would get first dibs on things I chose not to keep. Eventually, he hauled off a box truck full of his brother's effects. My husband was also cremated, but he wanted to have his ashes divided and buried half with his late wife and half eventually with me. My MIL was not happy about that. She had lost a son at age 24 and wanted her boys buried together. I let her know what her son had wanted. I was 18 months out before I had half of his ashes buried 1/2 a continent away in California where his late wife had wanted to be buried. I invited some friends and family and we had a simple graveside service. Eventually, I bought a plot where we lived and buried most of the rest of the ashes there a few months ago. It was hard to part with the ashes, especially since I decided to move back near where I lived before I met my second husband. As hard as it is for us, other people have to find their way through grief, too. They may never accept that your husband loved you - like a spouse and lover - and that you had become the primary person in his life. But trying to tell his son this likely won't help. Perhaps you can think about splitting his ashes? I had the funeral home do this (and I did not bring them home until after his memorial service). I don't think it dishonors your husband to let them inter some of his ashes. It is apparent that they still think about this and the issue is not likely to go away. I don't know if probate has any jurisdiction over his ashes, but if they might, you may want to try to take control over the situation before you don't have a say in the matter. I know how much I was grieving at 15 months and as much as I am thinking practically now, I know you suffer and are scared right now. Perhaps you can find someone you can trust to hold onto precious possessions and the ashes, too. You don't deserve this anguish! Hugs! Maureen

This board has been way too quiet. Perhaps that is because other people are like me – they have trouble showing their vulnerable sides. I know that people think I am “strong”. I, like many of us, hear this all the time, right? We sometimes want to be strong, hold ourselves together, persevere, be resilient. It helps us manage day-to-day challenges without that partner or spouse that we relied on in the past. But what happens when the façade we put on really isn’t matching what is going on inside us? I imagine that a whole host of things happen. For me? Anxiety. Racing, repetitive thoughts. Heart palpitations. Chest pain. Paralysis. Irritability. Impatience. Sometimes, despair. How do I cope? Being strong for others. Listening so that I can swallow down my own uncomfortable feelings. Spending time out on a lakeside beach or walking with my dog. Retail therapy. Travel. Anything, perhaps, except showing my vulnerability. What will happen if I crack a little and let it out? I wish I was as brave as some of my friends are, because I wish I could let people be there for me. I have good (no, great) widow friends that do offer an ear and a shoulder. But I still hold a lot in. I have never been particularly close to my family. My siblings and I left the nest as soon as we were able and established our own lives in different geographic locations. I don’t think any of us ever felt appreciated for who we were in our nuclear family, which was, at least in our views, oppressive and controlling. We all “get along” well and see each other a couple times a year, but we have never been particularly close. Our parents are aging (91 and 81) and my father is slipping slowly. My 2 sisters have offered distant support for the last few years, but I lived too far away to be of any assistance. I have relocated to my parents’ home temporarily as I trudge through the job search process, trying to jump-start a second career. (Let’s just say that isn’t moving very quickly – one of my big stressors.) For the last few months, I have been staying with my parents and offering some assistance. My mother is appreciative and I know that it is perhaps the right thing to be doing right now, but it is very difficult staying here. My parents are much older versions of who they were when we were growing up. We are on different ideological planets. My thoughts and views are unwelcome. I walk a bit of a tightrope trying to be cordial and helpful and conversational while holding in every thought that crosses my mind. I don’t want to be here. Yet, without a job, what are my options? I rented out my house in Kansas when I realized I couldn’t even get a job interview back east with a Kansas address. I consider renting a place of my own, but every time I think that might be a good idea, I get a call for an interview and I realize that it makes little sense to get my own place because a job might be right around the corner. And then I get another rejection. I started applying for jobs last February and moved east in July. It really has only been a few months, but this is miserable. The empath in me starts thinking of other wids and widowers out there who have it worse than me…less financial stability, kids to raise, etc. and then I feel badly about complaining. I have a roof over my head, some money in the bank, food on the table and the opportunity to get in my car and go away for a long weekend. But underneath it all, I have great sadness and I really miss my guys and I just wish I could have the life I had with my polarbear back. I have zero motivation and confidence (and perhaps that shows in interviews?) I want to be able to dive into life again – a job, a home, a community where I can be myself, and to eventually find another person to love and cherish and share my soul. I don’t think that is too much to ask. Thanks for listening. Maureen