Wheelerswife

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, Mark. I hope you can join us at the upcoming bago on November 5th. Maureen

Jeanie, can you send me your address? 😳 Maureen

Hugs! Maureen

I’m sorry, Michael. I’m screaming FFFFFFF, too! Maureen

Okay. I've been through this twice. All I can say is that I have learned that each person's experience of widowhood is different, and my two experiences have been very different. As jeudi said, I knew what to expect - on some level. I knew how to plan a funeral, manage the estate, and I was better at setting boundaries and not letting people walk all over me. That made certain aspects of loss easier. It is all hard. I walked into my first marriage knowing my husband had a genetically determined date with early death. I was as prepared intellectually as anyone could have been. But his death saddened me tremendously. We chose to live our lives as if there might not be a tomorrow. Somehow, we got 18+ years before he had no more tomorrows. He had a wonderful life, especially since he wasn't expected to live beyond age 5 and he nearly reached his 54th birthday. I was only 6 months out when I unexpectedly connected with the man who became my second husband. He was also widowed. He was an amazing man and we dove into life and lived life as fully as we could. I sold my house, quit my job, moved to be with him and married him a year after we met. We were so happy together, shared long daily conversations, traveled, and we made our relationship front and center in our lives. I'm so grateful we did that, because less than 4 years after our first conversation, he died unexpectedly in his sleep just 5 days before his 57th birthday. It hasn't been easy for me since I lost my second great love. I grieve more heavily than I imagined possible. I have anxiety (and panic, but that is much better than it was). I was also diagnosed with cancer after he died. BUT.... I have absolutely no regrets. I would do it all over again. My best advice is to love with all you have. Communicate with your new husband. Don't swallow your fears. Let him know just how critical it is that he keeps regular contact with you, but you have to also make a point to keep calm when he doesn't return a message. I knew that something was wrong with my husband because he didn't return messages to me. We were 1600 miles apart. I was actually at a bago the day he died and I could not reach him. Nothing would have changed the outcome that day. I waited (more than) a reasonable amount of time before calling the police to check on him. If you have a regular pattern for contacts, you will know if something is truly wrong. When I called the police, I knew it had to be bad, because my husband and I had our own need to be in contact when we were apart and he had made no attempts to reach me. No text message is going to stop a car accident, a heart attack, etc. I have anxiety myself and I understand that our brains are not always rational. So...establish your plan for connection and make it a habit, allowing for changing circumstances. Best wishes to you. Hug your husband tightly and appreciate every moment you get with him! Maureen

I read every word. I'm sorry to have to welcome you to our club. It is still very early in this process of grief and nothing you have said seems unusual for having lost your beloved wife. It is hard when we relive the worst moments of our lives (and our spouses lives) in full technicolor, practically blotting out all the good times we had together. Although you may re-experience the your wife's death for awhile, I will tell you that it won't always be this hard. I still remember my first husband dying, but it the memories are not in the forefront of my mind now. It looks like you have some resources for coping at this point (travel is my drug of choice, too) so keep on doing what gets you through the days and weeks. Keep writing if that helps, too. Hugs, Maureen

I totally understand this. I still post about both of my late husbands and tag them in posts. I can't let their memories die with them, but nothing brings them back. Hugs to you. Keep doing what you need to do right now. I'm so sorry you and your child have this pain. Maureen

I've seen pictures! Looks like it went off without a hitch, but we will wait to see what Trying has to say! Maureen

I remember you, DT. I don't have the same circumstances, but I am trying to figure out how to make a life for myself without the future I hoped for with my second husband. I hate being miserable. That seems to be my bottom line. So I persevere in life, trying to create something new. It isn't easy. Hugs, Maureen

I miss my friend. I miss my husbands. I wish I could hear their voices or just get a text message. I cry silent tears.

Algos, I am glad you are writing here, especially if you find it hard to talk to people face-to-face, as the emotion gets so overwhelming. I can't begin to give any feedback about your daughter, so I will leave it to others who may have some wisdom there. One thing I did after my first husband died was to find one trusted person at work and I told that person some of my truth as well as what I needed or wanted from people. I worked in a health care environment, so of course, I wanted to be able to hold my emotions in check when I was working with patients. People did wish to make connection with me, but I hated to be asked. "How are you?" So...my colleague met with other co-workers (with my blessing) and let them know that the "How are you?" question was awkward for everyone. My colleagues started to greet me with, "It is good to see you today." I could respond in kind and nobody felt awkward. I think that many marriages lose passion over the years, especially when raising children. I didn't even have that excuse! There is a reason why the first years of marriage are called the honeymoon period. You loved your wife and remained devoted to her and your children. I am glad you were able to find her writings and you have refreshed those deep feelings of love. The expression of love changes over time. I can see from your writing just how devoted you were to her. I would also say that you don't have to maintain any kind of contact with people who are toxic in your life. I stopped contact with my second husband's mother after she blamed me for her son's death (he died in his sleep of unknown heart issues). She is a bitter lady and was long before then, but I do not need to be her verbal punching bag. You are holding a lot of pieces together. Give yourself credit for that. Keep writing. Maureen

Hey there, Rob, 'Tis the season, eh? My dates seem to be spread around the entire calendar. "Happy Birthday, Michelle" just doesn't seem to cut it...so perhaps you can drum up some better memories of her on her special day. Hugs to you and R and S, Maureen

Oh! I want to come! Maureen

Algos, I am heartbroken to read your story. I am so sorry you lost the love of your life and your daughter. I don't have children myself and I can't really give you advice on how to manage the situation you face as it relates to them, but it seems that there are others here who are wise parents who can address those concerns. I've been through this twice. (Yeah, widowed twice.) I have learned that there are many things that we thought were important that are not as critical as we thought. There is no timetable for taking care of your wife's and your daughter's possessions, for example. Should it feel like a good thing to go through some things - then do it. If not, then don't do it. I guarantee, her closet of clothes and her dresser drawer of underthings will still be there in 6 months or a year, or 6 years, for that matter. Take your time. Your time table. Or, perhaps, your children's time table. Do not let anyone else pressure you into anything. Family can do this sometimes. If they ask for something, gently but firmly let them know you will get to things when you do. Right now, you are mourning both your wife and your daughter. If your wife was here, you could mourn your daughter together. Your wife was the person with whom you shared your intimate life on so many levels. Do not berate yourself for missing that relationship, even if it seems wrong that you seem to grieve your daughter in a different way. Home maintenance can wait. It can also be done by all of those people in your community who want to support you. When someone gives you either direct or indirect indications that they want to help, give them these tasks. People want to do practical things. Let them. Making meals is hard for so many of us. Pizza and cereal can sustain us for extended periods. You don't have to be superman. You are a grieving husband and father. Keep the poker face on as necessary to get through work, but let your hair down and allow yourself to grieve in the way that YOU need to grieve. Hang in there. Read and post to your heart's content. Hugs, Maureen

Wonderful!!! I have been thinking about you! Have a wonderful time! Maureen

I have been pensive of late...don't get me wrong - I don't have the capacity to think THAT deeply, but I was reading Paulo Coelho's novel The Alchemist recently and the following lines just spoke to me deeply: "This is why alchemy exists," the boy said. "So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life. Lead will play its role until the world has no further need for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold. "That's what alchemists do. They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too." "Well, why did you say that I don't know about love?" the sun asked the boy. "Because it's not love to be static like the desert, nor is it love to roam the world like the wind. And it's not love to see everything from a distance, like you do. Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. When I first reached through to it, I thought the Soul of the World was perfect. But later, I could see that it was like other aspects of creation, and had its own passions and wars. It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that's where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are." I don't truly accept every concept in the book. It comes from the perspective of a fairly spiritual man. But recently I feel like I have been learning more and more about lessons of love. I know that I continue to be driven to embrace and love people in my life and I am attracted to people who are passionate about love of others. I do think that we become better when we love - and that makes others better, too. Feel free to comment or leave quotes or statements of your own. Maureen

Okay. I cracked a smile. Maureen

As always, it is good to get together with fellow wids. It was a beautiful day and although the winery was crowded and noisy because of harvest today, I'm glad we were able to get together! It is hard to believe that I met some of you just weeks after Barry died in 2009 and many of you had met John. We didn't have anyone new today, but I hope in the future that new folks will join us. I'm sorry I have to pass on next week's hike in New Hampshire, but maybe next time! Hugs, Maureen

I am really looking forward to this bago. The weather report calls for full sun and temperatures near 90 degrees! We can choose in or outdoors (maybe grab an indoor table and venture outside for walks?) See you all Sunday! Maureen

I don't know where this commentary is coming from. You obviously don't know RobT. He came here admitting a small shortcoming and lamenting a loss. This wasn't necessary. And yes. I know Rob and I know his generous spirit. Maureen

I'm lying in bed in a hotel room not far from the home I shared with my first husband. 8 years ago at this hour, he was still conscious, but confused. In a couple of hours, he would slip into his final nap and a few hours later, he would take his last breath. I can still remember that day clearly. It seems this happens every year, except I don't relive the entire last 16 months of his life again-or even the last week as much as I used to. This year, I am closer to our old home and I came back here again to visit his grave and his mother and to see some old friends from our life together and some of the wonderful people who have supported me on my widow road. Yesterday, I stopped by at the location of a special accessible playground that my husband and I had the privilege of helping create back in the mid 1990's. It was built in memory of a little boy who died at the age of 9 months from the same genetic disease that my husband managed to live with for 53 years. The playground had deteriorated over the years and had to be torn down. It is in the process of being rebuilt and is almost ready for its grand re-opening in a few weeks. When I stopped by, the mother of that little boy was there, and we had the unexpected opportunity to share hugs and some tears. Her young adult daughter was there, too. She was 9 months old at the first grand opening. We also talked of some of the children my husband and I had mentored in a scouting type group we led called Winners on Wheels. One is now a lawyer. Another is a graphic artist and I will get to see her tomorrow. It is such a mix of sadness, grief, reminiscing, and life moving forward. Grief really has its grip on me this week. Maureen

Raymond, That was such a beautiful post. I'm reading it on the eve of the 8th anniversary of my first husband's death. I can tell you this, though. I believe it is only you that can know the answer to the statement you pose below: This is unique for each of us. My own experiences with the loss of 2 husbands have been very different. But...your sentiments tell me that you have the kind of awareness that will allow you to experience the richness of cherished memories and to be able to honor your late wife precisely as you should. When you are ready for that well, you will know. You will know. Hugs, Maureen

Ginger, It seems it is easier if someone arrives at about noon. I will be there then. I know that DonnaP and MrDrew will probably be later, as they are coming from another event in New Hampshire. I hope that anyone who might live nearby will consider coming. Feel free to PM me! Maureen

I understand, my friend. Grief mixes weirdly with hope for the future, eh? Hugs to you today. Maureen

Sandrine, I so understand. I'm so sorry for your loss, too. Maureen