Wheelerswife

I know! We are farther away than ever! I hope life is good!

Ah, Babymoose! I miss you! I tossed out my tin foil hat that I was given 8 years ago. Maybe I should make a new one! Love to you! Maureen

Spending NYE with a wid sister and her son. 2017 was the year of limited progress. My primary goal for this year is the same as last year: to start my new career with a job in my new field. I have lost a couple of friends this year, relocated to temporary quarters, and I have a good handle on the ability of my mother to care for my very elderly and slowly declining father. I’m ready for 2018 to be a better year. Please? Best wishes to all of you! Maureen

Hi, Sara, I'm sorry to have to welcome you to our community. I can't imagine being widowed so young and with small children. How heartbreaking! I lost my first husband when I was 47. His early death was predicted from a young age because of a genetic disease; however, it was still very difficult to bear. My second husband died quite unexpectedly and without the opportunity for the goodbye I had with my first husband. I truly believe we all react both similarly and differently to the death of our spouse. I imagine that if you have been reading here, you realize just how "normal" your experience is, yet it is still uniquely your own. You seem to be doing all of the things that you need to do to get through this terrible situation - which is to live each day as it comes. It has been my experience that all we can do in the first weeks and months is to just keep trying to function. In time, the cloudy future becomes less cloudy and a new normal develops in its own time. I had a new normal about a 1 1/2 years after my first husband died, yet I really don't have that quite yet and it has been 4 years since my second husband died. You are not the only European member here, and I am glad to see that you felt comfortable enough to join us. It is good for all of us to have members of this board from different locations and cultural experiences. When I was first widowed, I was a member of another board (YWBB) that was the precursor to this board. I found it most helpful to connect with others in a similar time table, and I hope you feel comfortable doing that yourself. Hugs to you and your little ones, Maureen

Just a take on the Sexy Widow Saturday Night... I’m visiting my parents, who are off to church. My dog and I have commandeered the TV remote for an hour or so...and there really isn’t anything worth watching. I have a book to read. Tomorrow, it is going to snow, so I will get to shovel snow - again. My mother won’t allow any presents to be opened until the day after Christmas when my sister arrives, even though she is opening her presents at her own home on Christmas. I’m thoroughly underwhelmed. Anyone else having an exciting Christmas Eve? Maureen

Being sad is really hard. Holidays can be even harder. I have spent some holidays alone...particularly my first Christmas after the loss of my first husband. Thanksgiving hadn't gone well...nobody seemed to understand that my husband had died 2 months earlier and they just went on like nothing was wrong. Christmas can be just another day if that is any easier. Read a book, watch a movie, get Chinese take-out. If being around friends and family is helpful - then do that, of course. I managed to find happiness again after the loss of my first husband, but have struggled more since losing my second husband. I know many people who have found different ways to be happy after being widowed, and I continue to hold onto hope that I will find satisfaction again in my personal life and another wonderful relationship, too. I don't know what you want for yourself, but in between the low points, I hope you can envision good things happening for yourself again. It isn't the life we wanted, but it is the life we have right now. I hate being miserable, so I have to believe that I will find a way out of the darkness. Hugs to you, Maureen

My second husband and I only had 4 holiday seasons together. The first we spent with friends of his late wife in California. The middle two, we spent just the two of us at home together. The last holidays were spent on a road trip to and from Wisconsin. We drove on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to get to see his mother. On New Year's Eve, we left the home of his best friends from college and drove the 15 hours back home over 2 days. We loved road trips and we talked the entire time; much of the discussion on that trip was about his planned sabbatical the following year. We were going to spend it in Europe. He died unexpectedly 10 days later.

Just a couple of days ago, a dear friend from university (back in the 80’s) informed me that she had lost her stepson to his long struggle with addiction. He was in his mid 20’s. He had recently gotten out of rehab (again). He was found by his father. Tonight I heard that the husband of a friend, colleague and professor died today. My friend is 38. A few years ago, her husband had become acutely ill and almost died then. He may have survived sepsis. I know his health had been precarious, although seeing him and talking to him, one might never know. A little over a year ago, this friend and colleague was teaching a graduate course I was taking. She came into class and seemed nervous. I asked her if she was okay. She told me that Jimmy had been rushed to the hospital. She knew I would understand what that meant, but she didn’t want the remainder of the class to know. I knew the fear of having a husband critically sick and wondering if he would make it. My colleague had also known my second husband, who died unexpectedly in his sleep. So tonight, my friend posted that her husband had died. 10 days ago, she had posted pictures of the 2 of them attending a social function at the university where she now works. A few days before that, pictures show them on a hike. Today he died surrounded by family. How quickly life can be snuffed out. My heart breaks for my friend. My own heart relives it’s own memories of my husbands’ deaths. Sigh. Hugs, Keegan. I wish I could take away your pain. Maureen

I know. I miss him. I know you do, too. Hugs, Maureen

I’m so sorry you are having to cope with all of these confusing circumstances on top of the loss of your wife. Not everyone feels that they can expose their own demons, I suppose? I know that I would want answers, too. In the meantime, I hope you can find support and people who will listen to your story. We are here and can handle it all. Peace, Maureen

I'm no expert in any of this, but I suggest you consult an attorney who practices in estate law. Your husband's estate may have expenses that would need to be paid before you can claim any of the money. Better to ask than to get yourself in hot water? Best wishes, Maureen

Oh, yes. My first husband died after a long decline and, even though I was very well prepared for him to die, I realized I was not prepared for him to be dead! It has been just a couple of days for you. You may be in shock. Nothing is okay right now, is it? I'm so sorry you lost your beloved wife. I hope there are people surrounding you right now and helping you get through this initial period of time. Come here and read and post to your heart's content. We understand. Maureen

So....since this post I have let myself be more vulnerable to some of my good friends and I have made some changes. Things continued to deteriorate with my mother. She lacks the self-awareness to even understand what she is doing, I think. She has snapped at me for things such as having a different opinion on which singer might have a chance at winning the competition on the TV show "The Voice"! I know she is not going to change, and living under the same roof was just not working for me. I'm used to a combination of robust conversation with people who are respectful in agreement or disagreement as well as long periods of solitude which I have needed to find focus for work and personal endeavors. I was getting neither in my parents' home. After a particularly challenging Thanksgiving holiday weekend, I decided to take the offer of some dear friends and move into their vacant second house. I also knew that I wanted to make this transition well. In other words, it would do little good to confront or upset my parents and make this move about the unspoken tension between my mother and I. My father now has some memory and other perceptual issues and is no longer a significant source of angst, although he used to be worse than my mother. So...I took several days and visited some other dear friends who offered support to my goals and to my lowered spirits. I returned home and casually told my parents that I had decided to make a move because I needed to refocus myself on my job search and I needed the solitude in order to accomplish my goals. I took a few more days to spend time with my parents and go out shopping with my mother, and this morning, I loaded up my car with clothes and other essentials and I am now sitting at the kitchen table of my newest temporary home. It feels good. I will return to my parents' home in a couple of weeks for the Christmas holiday weekend. My parents will get to return to their unencumbered routine, too. My mother told me she will miss my company, even though she can't seem to help being critical of everything that I am that is different from her. Part of me is glad I gave it a try with my parents. I do have a good handle on my father and his decline and my mother's ability to handle his needs. But...I have learned the lesson I probably already knew...it just isn't a good idea to try to live with parents when you are a fully capable adult! So...thanks to my wonderful friends who lovingly have listened to me and given advice. I really was listening, despite my resistance! Maureen

xoxo Thanks for your post today. Maureen

Hi, Carrie, I'm so sorry you lost your beloved husband. I took 6 weeks off after my first husband died. I was quite exhausted from taking care of him and living in the ICU and I really needed the break both physically and emotionally. Going back to work, however, gave me structure and purpose and something to think about besides myself. My direct supervisor was a friend and I met with her before coming back to work. I asked if she would talk to staff about going on with normal conversation and NOT asking me how I was doing. (Ummm...not good, so that can be awkward.) For the most part, people respected my request. I had left my career after meeting my second husband and I was back in school chasing more degrees when my second husband died. I was back in my seat 11 days after his death when the new semester began. Again, I found that I needed structure and purpose and a reason to put one foot in front of the other. My husband had been a well loved and respected professor at the university, and I took the initiative to give people permission to talk about him with me and each other, and that made for a very supportive environment. If you can afford to give yourself some time off and you want to do this...then do it. I imagine you don't quite know what you want to do...and that is pretty normal, too. I think this is a very individual decision, and if you can, listen to your gut and take care of yourself. Hugs, Maureen

Hello, Crystal, I don’t have children, so I really don’t have the same perspective that a parent has. I met my second husband just 6 months after my first husband died. I know how it is possible to connect with someone new soon after losing a spouse. But I’m hearing you say that you have damaged a relationship with your children. I’m sorry that happened. It can be really hard to repair relationships, but you seem to understand the first step, which is to admit the reality and your role in the fallout. It doesn’t seem to do much good to continue to berate yourself. You may need to muster up as much humility as you can find and admit your own shortcomings to your children. It is generally hard for most people to do this. You probably need to ask for forgiveness and take the reconciliation at the pace your children can accept. I wish you well as you navigate what you need to do. Hugs, Maureen

Hoping, I’m sorry you had a sad reason to come and post, but glad you felt you could come here. I hope you find that you can find some joy today in the engagement of your son and future daughter-in-law. Hugs, Maureen

I’m so sorry you had to join this club. I was in school when my second husband died unexpectedly and school gave me purpose and a place to be every day and deadlines for reading and assignments. That helped me put one foot in front of the other to move through the days and weeks and months. If your school has counseling services, take advantage of them. I found that having someone to listen to me and my woes helped me to have a place to dump them, if you will, so I could focus on other things. Be kind to yourself. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome back from another member of the class of 2009. Some of us from back that far are still around. I can’t say I’m growing up in my 50’s but definitely stretching myself in new directions, even though I can’t necessarily define those directions! Best wishes Maureen

Hello and welcome to our site. I’m going to preface this response by acknowledging that I don’t have children and I’m certainly not an expert on raising them or integrating them into a new relationship. However, I did have a long distance relationship with my second husband and I did meet him online. We fell in love quickly and before we met in person. I also know several other couples who met online and had long distance relationships and had developed strong feelings for each other before meeting. I honestly think that your first meeting should be without your child. My first meeting was quite intense and there were many things to adjust to even in that meeting. You need to be able to focus on each other without the distraction of your child. I think it is important to establish your face-to-face relationship and to be fairly certain that your connection has a very good possibility of being successful before introducing your child into the picture. Not every relationship that starts out positively makes it to commitment. If your son gets his hopes up and the relationship does not survive, he has the potential to be hurt again. So...think about meeting this woman and seeing what the chemistry is like in person. You may have many reasons for not meeting after an extended online relationship, but if you are thinking about going to the next level, I believe it is best that you leave your son with trusted friends or family and meet your girlfriend by yourself. Best wishes, Maureen

Of course you can’t let this go right now. You are in shock and you are angry and I imagine you are combing your mind trying to figure out how you missed any sign of his drug use. I’m no expert on this, but I imagine it is going to take some time for you to wade through this quicksand and get to any kind of acceptance of his death and the manner of death. I realize that you feel like life is over, but I hope you can hear just a little bit that you won’t always feel the intensity of the emotions that you feel today. You might search out a good therapist or counselor at this point. Don’t run away. There are others who may come to the surface who know your kind of pain. I’m so sorry you lost your beloved and that he didn’t know you loved him enough to share his drug use problem with you. ❤️ Maureen

Hi, Anni, Welcome to our club. I’m sorry you lost your beloved Minh. You have been through so much in a short period of time. You found someone you loved so deeply and you had to walk him to death’s door in such a short time. I’m so sorry you did not get a lot more time with him. You have learned that love can quickly become very deep. I understand that, too. It will likely take some time to process everything you experienced since meeting Minh. Although Minh’s family may not understand your connection with him, it was all very real. Your pain is as valid as anyone else’s, although it is unique to you. Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself, too. You have had your own heart broken and you will need to grieve for yourself. Hugs, Maureen

...out in the cold with my dog. I do this almost every day, part of my escape from what feels unbearable in my life. I barely get out the door and I start talking out loud, usually to my second husband. Today, along with telling my conspicuously absent love how much I miss him and love him, I tried to channel the spirit of Thanksgiving (US) and I told him how grateful I am that he came into my life. My life would be so much less rich if it were not for our all-too-short time together. I would not have known such vulnerable love. I would not have been exposed to so many ideas and cultures and places and opportunities to learn and to change my views of the world. As unhappy as I am at present - and as uncertain as I am about the future - I know for sure that I am grateful for having met and loved such an amazing man. Maureen

“I’m good at pretending.” Maureen

I'm grateful that a friend was comfortable calling me to talk about her recent break-up. It is good to be needed sometimes. Maureen