MissingSquish

I still sometimes waver between "Beyond Active Greiving" and doing a bit of grieving sometimes. To me, what defined "Beyond Active Greiving" was also not first identifying myself as a widow, secondly that I truly look forward to the day beginning when I wake up in the morning and that my life holds promise and meaning without him. I realized also that a part of me will always miss him, but that my time with him was meant to push me further forward as a person. "Beyond active Greiving" for me also means that I am thankful in a way for having gone through this huge devastation in my life. I have proven to myself that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I know now how to cultivate good, healthy friendships, while minimizing my dependence on toxic people.

TooSoon, on hangers: I took my extras to my local dry cleaner for recycling (the metal ones). The plastic ones I tossed.

4.7 k steps today while at work. Calves are doing a bit better, but don't want to push it. Planning on going to ballet tomorrow night. EDIT: went for a short walk this evening to get my total step count up to 6k. Calves still hurt but I needed to do it.

Great job everyone! My calves are so sore still that I am having problems with going up and down stairs. I'm fortunate that I don't have many stairs in my house or at work. I'm planning on trying to walk tomorrow if I can.

Congrats! I am so thrilled for you!

Wow, you guys are doing an amazing job of purging! I love it!

Went for a walk today around the block despite my calves being insanely sore from ballet.

Great job! I have been slacking a lot in this challenge. Been very busy.

I went to ballet today. Gosh, what a workout!

I honestly can't remember everything that Squish said during our last conversation. I do remember that some of his last words were "I love you, K". It's been bothering me for the past week or so. I think it's gone out of my memory. I think I might have posted it on ywbb, but I didn't go back and comb through my posts before it shut down. Oh well.

Lots of good advice here. Maybe just having a phone conversation with the ME will put your mind a bit at ease without needing to request potentially traumatic pictures. The few conversations I had with my ME were very helpful for me. I did see Squish in the hospital about 40 minutes after he passed away, and those memories are among the most tramatic for me.

I recently changed industries (though I'm still doing something similar). I didn't feel like I was challenged at my old job, and found it impossible to have any motivation, especially since Squish passed away. Starting fresh has really helped me to feel inspired and motivated. Maybe you need to get out of the current industry you're in?

Ok, went for a walk tonight and got 6k steps in total today!

I have not been able to walk before work the past two days because of the weather. I plan on going to ballet tomorrow and trying to walk next week.

Hoping everything went swimmingly!

Great job DonnaP! I'll try to find something to toss tonight.

Hugs Alexswife. It's so hard to be in this situation. When my best friend got pregnant, I was sad as well. I was also thinking, why not me? Why did he have to die? The only faith that has kept me going is that maybe now is not the right time for me to be married and be pregnant, no matter how much I wanted that. Sending you much love and strength.

Walked the dog this morning before work!

Squish and I wanted kids, but life with him was too unpredictable to bring little ones into this world. I am hoping my chapter 2 includes marriage and children.

I found ywbb a few days after my DH, Squish died. At the time, we weren't sure what ultimately caused his death, but the toxicology report stated he died of an accidental prescription drug overdose. Let me back up a minute. Squish was an amazing, charming and ridiculously intelligent guy who happened to be bipolar I. He had quite a few other physical problems due to his previous career and had chronic pain as well. Squish was the type of guy that commanded attention when he walked into a room, but was secretly so insecure. My FIL's eulogy of Squish publicly acknowledged this incredible insecurity that was always brewing inside of him, but it seemed like a slap in the face to me. The relationship between his family and I took a major downhill turn when Squish and I were married, and an even worse downturn when he died. Squish and I were married only a bit past 6 months when he fatally overdosed. I had gone through hell and back with him during the time that we were married and living together. I found him nearly dead on the floor over a dozen times, and had revived him myself. It has taken a lot for me to overcome the PTSD of watching someone kill themselves over and over again. Though the coroner ruled his death accidental, I don't see it as such. I've only recently felt comfortable acknowledging to my extended family and a few close colleagues that my husband killed himself. The stigma of suicide is very real, though my husband was as terminal in his mental illness as someone is terminally ill dying from cancer. I have also recently forgiven him for putting me through such hell as well. The way I finally see it is that my husband's suicide was as selfless of an act as he could muster. He realized he was making everyone's lives around him miserable, and he wanted to liberate us all from the drama. I am thankful that I do not have any children and I never have to deal with my in-laws ever again.

Huge hugs michael on your sadiversary. Fuck the haters. You are as much of a young widower as the rest of us.

Great job everyone! I got 6k steps in today. I haven't walked much the last few days, so this felt good. Going to try to walk before work tomorrow.

1. Aromatherapy helped me calm down today from a huge panic attack after the grocery store. 2. Got a lot done around the house. 3. Took Pru for the first walk around the block of the season.

Glad you tossed that, TooSoon! I tossed a sleep mask that the elastic was way stretched out (I have a backup).

Clean clothes are put away. Grocery shopping is done (though I had a panic attack while shopping). I hate grocery shopping with a passion. The stores by me are always extremely crowded and there are so many rude patrons. They ignore you when you say excuse me. Seriously my blood is boiling right now. I might feel up to scooping poop later, but defintely not right now.