Jess

Mike, I am so sorry for your loss but so glad you found us here. My husband also died suddenly and I had no clue it was coming. One minute, I'm going to bed and kissing him goodnight and a few minutes later he was having his first ever seizure, which turned out to be fatal. Just wrapping my mind around that was so very hard in the beginning. If I am honest, at 15 months out, it is still so surreal. I dreaded my husband's funeral. Dreaded it. How could I possibly have a funeral to say goodbye when I couldn't handle the idea of him being gone? I worried about how I would react to it and how others would be. I didn't want to face everyone and let them see the expression that bore witness to the fact that I was in my own personal hell. Ultimately, for me, it was healing to let people give me love, kind thoughts, and prayer (although I am not religious). I hope the visitation will be similar for you. And yes, people do move on with their lives and disappear, but not everyone. I have one friend that stuck through all of this and continues to do so. In fact, because she knows how much my husband loves Halloween, she made sure to invite me over so I would have somewhere to go. Unfortunately, this journey is a litmus lest for who is a true friend, and I am hoping you have at least one person that will keep calling, keep showing up, and keep being there like I am fortunate enough to have. There were about 250 people at his funeral... and besides my immediate family, just one person stood by me afterwards. I was left with an urn of his ashes and four dogs. Alone. It is hard. So hard. But you can do this. For now, take care of the basics. Eat when you can, force yourself to drink water, and sleep when you can. After a while, these things will once again become routine. I am wishing you peace and comfort on this difficult day and for the days to come.

Adp and I have had our usual 5 hour time difference cut down to four since the UK changed clocks earlier than us. Tomorrow we go back to 5 hours. Crazy what a difference that one hour makes! Sigh. It does make a huge difference. We joke that he lives in the future and how in the future, everyone has a southern accent.

My state is a bunch of rebels and doesn't observe daylight savings time, but I am looking forward to only being two hours off from east coast time instead of three!

I'd love to try to make it work. Disneyland is a 6-7 hour drive I have made many times from Phoenix. I went recently for a day when I was in LA for work to reclaim the space for me, but now I am ready for some real fun!

I am not qualified to have an informed opinion about your post, but wanted to say the Relationships board is a perfectly good place to pose your question. Sometimes I think there will be a bit of a gray area between Social and Relationships, but I guess that also mirrors life. As you were.

Awww, sorry Rob. I missed this. I will ask if this is possible.

I think most of us have times where we feel we are doing this grief thing wrong and I think that it is so important to remind ourselves that although we have all been thrown together in the solidarity of common experience, our reactions and personalities are different and one way is not better than another. Just to give the flip side of things, more and more I am moving to the side of having too much I would have to give up to have my old life back. What plagues me about this is wondering if somehow I glossed over some part of the grieving process. Even though my husband was my everything when he was here and even though I still have hard days and tears, how is it that I could find it hard to exchange what I have now for what I had when others would give anything to have their spouses back? What is wrong with me? The answer, when it comes to my grief anyways, is nothing is wrong with me. I am just myself. And you are yourself. And there is nothing wrong with how your heart handles grief. Nothing. Yet both of us probably get too worked up about about the hypothetical impossibility of having the men we lost back and what it would mean to our "now".

Congrats to you both! I love starting Monday morning with good news!

15 months later and I still leave my tv on in the living room 24/7 so I don'the have to come home to a quiet house.

Amen.

Sigh. Left for dinner for my mom'said birthday at one of my favorite restaurants. They canceled as soon as I got out of my neighborhood. Dressed up, showered, and had make up on for no reason. Being well into Saturday night, everyone else had plans. So, steakhouse was replaced with Taco Bell drive thru. Dress up clothes replaced with pjs. Hair do replaced with a sloppy pony tail. Playing video games.

Welcome kevsdragonfly. I am so very sorry for your loss but so glad you found us. My husband also died very suddenly. I am now about 15 months out and describing the circumstances of my husband's death still feels surreal- like I am describing someone else's life. What you describe as far as laughing and then meting down is where I was at 2 months. Heck, some days I still have unpredictable meltdowns, but they are often shorter and further apart. Keep taking it bit by bit and take care of yourself the best you can. Keep sharing and reading. We are here and we understand.

Mr. C, I am glad to see you posting. The podcast you are doing is an inspiring endeavor and I am glad you got to take that trip. DH and I went before he passed and it was so awesome. I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

It IS exhausting... so exhausting. Positive thoughts to you. I so get it.

Lots of virtual hugs to you, CHM1988. I do agree with klim. It may or may not be better when you are more steady on your emotional feet, but I think trying to hang in there to find out will not leave you with possible regret for maybe leaving something that might get better. I hope time will make you feel less lost and more sure that whatever you decide, it is the best choice for you.

Hi Phil. I am so sorry for your loss. When I first lost my husband, I had no idea this sort of forum existed either. All I knew was that no one in my day to day life had experienced this and I needed some helped. The people in this community gave me that. Day by day, hour by hour is the way to handle it in the beginning. Pay attention to your basic needs like food, water, and sleep. Come here when you need to vent or even when you just want to feel like someone gets it. We are here. I am wishing you peace and comfort.

Thank you for sharing this. It is great to put a lovely face and voice to your posts. You did a wonderful job telling your story and I know it was not all editing! Blessings to you and your family.

I literally just finished reading the first one and the comments when I saw your post. Sometimes the comments around a widow finding new love can get judgemental and ugly, but these ones were wonderful to read. I had missed the second one and it is lovely.

TooSoon has some very wise words. I have been trying to think of something else to say but she said it better than I could. So much has happened in the last 15 months in my life I also couldn't go back. I miss him with an empty ache and when something happens my first instinct still is to tell him, but I have worked hard to build what I have now. I guess the only thing to offer is hope that it will get better.

I am so sorry, Fuschia. So very sorry. All of these wonderful people here will walk this difficult path with you. We all care and can lend an understanding ear.

9 years ago was our wedding day and although I did my best to face the day in a good headspace, the sads creeped in and it has just been such a challenging day. I really miss my husband. I am exhausted from everything right now. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

As someone who is both, just wow. And f no.

My husband actually died on my dad's birthday so my decision for the day was to have a birthday bbq. We didn't have to state the obvious of what that day was. We all knew, but celebrating life was important to me, especially since my dad is a cancer survivor. It was a blessing to have the day be more than just the anniversary of his death.

We are ready when we are ready. I think that a lot of us put pressure on ourselves to look at a new relationship as some sort of milestone or barometer for personal progress when in reality, I think it is no measure at all. Don't get too far ahead of yourself if you can help it. As for your question, yes, I think it is possible. I was in the early stages of grief with my relationship and never felt any pressure to love DH any less. I do not know of it makes a difference that I am with a widower. Maybe, maybe not. I think that there are some really special people that cannot directly relate to the experience but can understand parts of our hearts are spoken for and help grow our hearts to accommodate both the love of our late spouse and them.

I am so glad you got some help! I wish there was some sort of newly widowed task force that could just swoop in and handle this stuff, but it sounds like you have some good help in your friend.